Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3 4

Original poster

DM affair revealed - Siblings stuck in the middle.

76 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/04/2017 11:28

So as not to drip feed a tiny bit of background.

DM has had 2 previous affairs in the past 10 years.
DF took the first affair rather badly and initially filed for divorce but reconciled.
DF didn't know about the second affair but us children did.

Two nights ago, my father found out about my mothers 3rd affair, which he believed too be her second. My Father has confronted her and an argument happened, My DM hates losing in an argument so I believe too get the upper hand she confessed it wasn't her second affair it was her third. Went into gory detail of where she slept with the 3rd man ( including marital home and bed ) and then informed him everybody was laughing at him because us children knew about the second affair.

My DFs parting shot when leaving the house was " I didn't realise I had married such a cheap and easy person "

DF is now staying with his sister. I have spoken too him and obviously is heartbroken but understands why we didn't inform him of the second affair, and is more annoyed with DM for putting us all in that position.

DM has somehow got it into her head, she's the victim now after what my DF said when leaving the house. Apparently she won't tolerate being spoken too like that, or being called cheap and easy.
Because he has "insulted" her and massively "disrespected" she will never speak too him again and has said she won't be able to continue a relationship with me or my siblings if we continue the relationship with DF, because how could we want contact with a man who has "disrespected" our mother.

I obviously will not be stopping my relationship with my father as he has done nothing wrong. But I honestly can't be dealing with my mothers dramatics. And I'm angry she tried too throw me and my siblings under the bus.

How can I deal with this situation without everything kicking off.

OP posts:

FurryLittleTwerp · 07/04/2017 13:37

Agree with PPs she's probably a narcissist. Awful woman.

My marriage is foundering & narcissistic twat DH is merrily distorting the truth, warping history & playing the Poor Me card by insisting I have poisoned DS19 against him - er, no, he's worked out for himself that his dad isn't the wonderful father he thought he was when he was tiny!

Why would I actually do that, anyway, poison DS against DH? FFS.

PollyPerky · 07/04/2017 13:41

Were you at home with your M&D when you witnessed the discussion between your parents? ie your mum talking about the 3rd affair and how the man had come to her home? Did you actually hear the things she said? Or is it your dad's version?

I'm sorry to appear to be playing devil's advocate here but being my age (60s) I've seen a lot of marriages run into difficulties. A friend's dad appeared to be a saint, but we found out decades later he'd been having an affair for decades.

Your mum's behaviour is far from good, of course it's not, but as adults none of your siblings or you should get involved. Let them thrash it out between themselves.

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/04/2017 13:46

polly my mother is the kind of woman if my father did any kind of wrong doing, it would be in the paper the next day. Like for example the christmas she spent angry sayinf that my father didn't understand her or know her properly because he had bought earrings that didn't come with a matching bracelet like she had asked for.

I'm under no illusion my "father" was perfect. Its about my DMs affairs and trying too make me and my siblings cut all ties with my father, who is innocent in this case.
I just want tips or guidance in how to deal with this and some guidance along the way.

OP posts:

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/04/2017 13:49

polly no that was my mums version! She was genuinley horrified that my father had called her cheap and easy even though she had revealed her two affairs whilst rubbing it in his face.

She claims it wasn't too be vicious giving him the dirty details, it was to be "honest" so he can "heal" properly which he couldn't do if she didn't tell him everything.

When I rang my dad he didn't discuss the argument, just told me don't worry about it and he has no hard feelings I never told him about affair number 2, he's just disappointed my DM got us in on covering her secret.

OP posts:

Hissy · 07/04/2017 14:28

urgh, your dad was being kind to her to be honest! what she has done to him and you all is revolting!

Absolutely throw all your weight behind supporting your dad and let her do whatever the fuck she likes - NC with her will enhance all your lives.

Your dad ought to get an occupation order and boot her out of the house

tatatetelle · 07/04/2017 14:47

Sorry this happened to you OP, that sounds absolutely horrible and well done for not letting DM manipulate you.
I don't know how old your siblings are but to me that would be the most important thing - make sure you stick together and don't let the situation (i.e your mother) come between you, especially if she feels you're all taking your DF's side. I'm one of four, our DM divorced twice and got into a messy relationship 10 yrs ago but the most important thing to me has always been them, and to know we're a unit separately from our parents.

brassbrass · 07/04/2017 15:26

she thought it was the best option for you as a family

hahahahah

yes throwing them all under the bus and gloating in the hudband's face that all his children knew and everyone was laughing about it behind his back.

You're quite right that sounds like a woman putting her family first

AppleOfMyEye10 · 07/04/2017 17:15

Sorry op but at the very best your mum is cheap and easy, she's much worse. I feel so sorry for your df, he must be devastated.
Support him and leave your scummy mother to it. What a horrid being to do that to someone repeatedly and put your siblings and you in that position.

SeaEagleFeather · 07/04/2017 17:23

She claims it wasn't too be vicious giving him the dirty details, it was to be "honest" so he can "heal" properly which he couldn't do if she didn't tell him everything

Oh christ. what a vicious thing to do and then how utterly dishonest to claim that.

She has behaved awfully but it's a very hard thing to lose your mum. I dont see how you could ever trust her again in .. well in any sort of way ... but at the same time it's hard to cut her off. Maybe as PPs have said, tell her that you aren't going to choose sides and you're going to keep on seeing your father. Her actions after then will be her choice. Though I feel sorry for you as well as your poor father.

timeisnotaline · 07/04/2017 17:34

Call/text your dad daily and visit him as often as you can. Tell your mum it's all for the best, it would be great if your dad can find someone genuinely nice who isn't going to cheat on him. Also ask her if you should get a DNA test.

Trich · 07/04/2017 23:34

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 08/04/2017 07:29

I doubt I need a DNA test time I am the double of my father a bit more than I'd like too be

Trich Why has my post been hidden?

OP posts:

Chillyegg · 08/04/2017 07:39

Sorry op but your mum is a dick.

Erm id make sure tou and your siblings completely support your dad and ignore your mum completely. Shes clearly very horrible id want to distancw my self massively

TFPsa · 08/04/2017 07:43

"Cheap and easy" sounds a little judgemental/misogynistic, being a description that wouldn't easily be applied to a man, but the fact is that she's far worse than that, she's dishonest, disloyal, selfish, etc. I'd sever all ties with her, not forever, but until a little self awareness and contrition kicks in.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 08/04/2017 07:50

Yeah I don't like "cheap and easy" either but in the grand scheme of what some would have said/ done it's hardly extreme or unforgivable.

Groovee · 08/04/2017 07:52

Oh my goodness. Your mother thinks she's the victim in being disrespected! I think she would get a few hard truths from me about disrespect and be left to her strop.

imNew1985 · 08/04/2017 08:02

Poor you and your DF. Your mum is awful. I know someone like her - my great aunt.

Can't stand her - she totally messed her kids lives up with her behaviour. Getting them to cover her tracks and create alibis. When she left it was the best thing ever for her kids.

Your mother isn't a good person. She's unkind and selfish. I would keep my distance from your mother and stay close to your father.

CalmItKermitt · 08/04/2017 08:14

Ugh. You mother is a terrible person. Your dad sounds lovely though.

GeorgeTheHamster · 08/04/2017 08:23

Your mum will do and say what she likes, but you don't have to do what she tells you. You do what you think is right. If you want to see your dad, see your dad. If you don't want to contact your mum, don't. If you disagree with her, say so calmly and if she goes off on one, walk away or hang up the phone. She doesn't get to control you here.

Original poster

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 08/04/2017 09:19

I am meeting up with my father tonight with two siblings, one sibling doesn't want too come. They said they want feelings and emotions too not be running as high before they see DF. So basically want my DM too calm down out of fear of her having a diva tantrum.

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 10/04/2017 09:17

I hope it went OK with your Dad and he is feeling the love and support from you.

mickyblueyes · 10/04/2017 10:17

I'm no psychologist but it sounds like your mother has some very narcissistic traits...or at very worst a full blown personality disorder. Cheating, playing the victim, histrionics, blame shifting on to your dad...

Google 'Narcissistic Personality disorder' and see if your mother fits the personality traits and you may well get some answers.

I'm sorry i know she's your mum but what she has done to you and your father are appalling, hope it all works out ok for you and your dad.

noego · 10/04/2017 10:39

She's a narc and you need to have either NC or low C on your terms and not hers.
As for their relationship and upcoming divorce I would suggest staying out of it. It is between them and she needs to be told that you are not going to get invloved in the strongest terms.

scottishdiem · 10/04/2017 16:05

Why are you still speaking to your mum? You will be enabling her and her dramatics if you do so.

SeaEagleFeather · 10/04/2017 16:48

:/ because she's her mum

I'm not at all in favour of contact at any cost and if someone forces a choice - well so be it, goodbye.

But it's damn difficult to simply sever contact. It's not like not seeing a distant acquaintance again.

Flip

1 2 3 4