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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DM affair revealed - Siblings stuck in the middle.

76 replies

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/04/2017 11:28

So as not to drip feed a tiny bit of background.

  • DM has had 2 previous affairs in the past 10 years.
  • DF took the first affair rather badly and initially filed for divorce but reconciled.
  • DF didn't know about the second affair but us children did.

Two nights ago, my father found out about my mothers 3rd affair, which he believed too be her second. My Father has confronted her and an argument happened, My DM hates losing in an argument so I believe too get the upper hand she confessed it wasn't her second affair it was her third. Went into gory detail of where she slept with the 3rd man ( including marital home and bed ) and then informed him everybody was laughing at him because us children knew about the second affair.

My DFs parting shot when leaving the house was " I didn't realise I had married such a cheap and easy person "

DF is now staying with his sister. I have spoken too him and obviously is heartbroken but understands why we didn't inform him of the second affair, and is more annoyed with DM for putting us all in that position.

DM has somehow got it into her head, she's the victim now after what my DF said when leaving the house. Apparently she won't tolerate being spoken too like that, or being called cheap and easy.
Because he has "insulted" her and massively "disrespected" she will never speak too him again and has said she won't be able to continue a relationship with me or my siblings if we continue the relationship with DF, because how could we want contact with a man who has "disrespected" our mother.

I obviously will not be stopping my relationship with my father as he has done nothing wrong. But I honestly can't be dealing with my mothers dramatics. And I'm angry she tried too throw me and my siblings under the bus.

How can I deal with this situation without everything kicking off.

OP posts:
innagazing · 07/04/2017 12:08

Your DM is batshit!
Ask your DM what she expected your DF to say, given the circumstances and in the middle of an argument! He was very restrained given the situation.

brassbrass · 07/04/2017 12:09

That's pretty vile.

It doesn't sound as though she gives a shit about anyone but herself. Not content with burdening you with the second affair she now wants you to cut off your DF. Utterly vindictive and selfish. She is only looking our for herself.

You should all distance yourselves from her until she can think rationally about the grenades she's been lobbing into your family life and the harm it's done.

Would any of you seriously even consider cutting off your DF? Poor man has done nothing wrong. And agree with PP he could have said much much worse. I know I would have.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/04/2017 12:12

Answering a few questions

  • I'm in my twenties, do not live at home.
  • None of the siblings live at home.
  • Growing up my mother always played the victim and expected everything her way, my father enabled her quite a bit too be fair. In hindsight he did it for an easier life.

Me and my siblings are disgusted at what DM has done we did not know about the recent affair and can't believe she would pursue a 3rd affair. Especially after the second one.

I will be sticking by my dads side through this, when the news came out about the first affair, it was really bad. He went into a downward spiral and contemplated suicide. Heartbreaking too watch especially as I was only a teen when the first affair took place.

My mother also isn't afraid too play dirty tactics though which I can't be dealing with. DF would like too meet up with me and the siblings tonight or tomorrow evening too discuss things and let us know he isn't mad about the second affair.

I think the discussing things part will be him confirming he will be filing for divorce.

OP posts:
elQuintoConyo · 07/04/2017 12:15

Good lord how twisted!

Try and be as low-low contact as possible.

Do you live at home? Is there anywhere you could go? Try and protect yourself. Don't be surprised if one or more of your siblings get sucked back into her vortex and try and convince you to spend more time with her, listen to her rants and limit contact with your DF.

My parents divorced after 15 years of being on the brink - all of my adult life. My mother's histrionics nearly caused me to miscarry.

Protect yourself Flowers

SingingSilver · 07/04/2017 12:20

She sounds like a narcissist. Call her bluff. If she wants to cut off contact with her DCs because of one (arguably deserved) angry comment from her DH then let her. It might be for the best - with her DH out of the way, the next people to manipulate will be her DCs...

Sorry you've been thrown into the middle of it Flowers

Sugarpiehoneyeye · 07/04/2017 12:22

OP, it is high time 'the shit hit the fan', let your Mother ride out her own storm.
Your poor Dad.

Mummyoflittledragon · 07/04/2017 12:23

Your dad sounds like an honourable and loving person. If he were anything like your mother, he would have kicked off when he found out you failed to divulge the affair. Her comments are absurd.

AnyFucker · 07/04/2017 12:25

Support your dad and let your foul mother do what the fuck she likes

bluediamonds · 07/04/2017 12:30

Good!! At least she can't use the roof over your head to make you take sides! Your dad sounds like a sweetheart, bless him.

TheDevilMadeMeDoIt · 07/04/2017 12:31

Your mother has been enabled, pandered to and 'humoured' for too long. She's dragged her children into her power games.

Time to say enough's enough and stand up to her. She won't like it, but tough.

ShatnersWig · 07/04/2017 12:36

I'm not sure I could have kept quiet about that second affair. It was an appalling position to put you in, I agree, but after knowing what an impact it had on your DF the first time, I'm not sure I could have colluded in keeping it from him. I get why you didn't, but it did mean your hideous mother was able to throw the fact you all knew at your DF and he might have taken that incredibly badly. She may have thrown you all under the bus but you effectively allowed her to do it.

Your DF sounds bloody fabulous, your mother sounds like an incredibly selfish, nasty piece of work and I'm afraid there'd be no going back for me. I'd want nothing to do with her and everything to do with him.

sadsquid · 07/04/2017 12:38

I know she's your mother but she sounds a right piece of work. Her behaviour is atrocious. If that's the ultimatum she's giving you, what choice do you have? Would you really consider cutting off contact with your dad, who sounds blameless, for fear of losing contact with her? Though frankly if you call her bluff I bet she'll be back in touch soon enough.

You can't stop it kicking off. You can't control them, or make them see sense, or fix the situation. I tried to do that when my parents divorced in my twenties - tried to keep the peace, get everyone to see the others' points of view and stop shouting - and it's no use. All you can do is make your own right choices.

Original poster
KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 07/04/2017 12:42

shatnerswig we all discussed whether too tell him, and decided against it after how badly he reacted after the first. He became depressed and contemplated suicide. And she had us all convinced it was a moment of madness, she doesn't want too hurt DF and it would never have happen again.

We only found out about the second affair by accident.

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 07/04/2017 12:42

I'd keep out of it altogether.
Their marriage and her affairs are not your responsibility. You don't know what really goes on in a parents marriage- only what you see and they choose to share.
Did she tell you about her affairs or did you discover them yourselves?

I doubt your mum will maintain her threat to cut contact.

If you don't live at home, I'd carry on seeing both of them as you normally would and not stand in judgement on her behaviour. She's your mum after all. I know this won't go with MN Wisdom on the whole, but as an older member here I've seen enough marriages fail without the kids being pig in the middle.

let the heat go out of it and see what happens longer term.

Jux · 07/04/2017 12:47

Leave your mum to it, she's made her own bed, she's a grown up despite behaving like a spoiled brat. She needs to take the consequences of her own actions and shielding her won''t help anyone. So, let her have her silly brattish paddy.

Stick with your dad, he needs you more. Help him get through whatever pathetic tantrum your mum has; help him to let her get on with it without him being drawn in.

sadsquid · 07/04/2017 12:50

Oh, and please take care of yourself. It's emotionally rough for people of any age to see Mum and Dad coming apart at the seams. You can't help your father if you haven't got your own oxygen mask on.

TheMysteriousJackelope · 07/04/2017 12:51

I think in your shoes I would contact your mother as normal. If she plays the victim and doesn't want to talk to you tell her 'That is your choice not mine and I respect it, let me know when you want to resume contact'. This leaves the ball firmly in her court and she can't play the 'Oh he made my children hate me and they won't even talk to me now due to his influence' victim card.

Definitely support your father. What an abominable situation your mother has put you all in.

HecateAntaia · 07/04/2017 12:56

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Increasinglymiddleaged · 07/04/2017 12:56

How can I deal with this situation without everything kicking off.

Take absolutely no notice of her. And if she really wants to cut you off because you continue a relationship with DF then let her.

Cricrichan · 07/04/2017 13:12

She sounds like a narcissist. Support your father and ignore your mother. What a vile woman for doing that 3 times and then expecting you to take sides. So take a side - his

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 07/04/2017 13:12

Your DM sounds like my ex. No affairs, but he verbally, mentally and emotionally abused me for years, and called me every name under the sun. I don't like name calling, but after 5 years of this I snapped and called him a bloody bastard. He just about exploded. How dare I call him a bastard? How dare I be so disrespectful to him? Me calling him a bastard gets brought up at every possible opportunity to show what a horrible person I am.

If it helps - he's a narcissist through and through. If it wasn't for the DC, I would have nothing to do with him again - ever. Not if hell froze over.

BitOutOfPractice · 07/04/2017 13:13

Oh god how awful. Your poor dad.

I think the PPs are right. let her get on with it. Concentrate on supporting your dad

PollyPerky · 07/04/2017 13:22

The only thing I would say to you- and this is not an actual defence of your mum, is that you can't know the whole story other than 'she's had 3 affairs and now this has kicked off'.

You simply don't know how your dad behaved in their marriage. To say he's done nothing wrong is fine in the sense he's not had an affair (as far as you know) but you know nothing about their relationship except as an outsider.

The people I've known in RL who have had affairs have often been very unhappy in a marriage but stayed till the children were grown up to keep the family together. Sometimes they thought the affair was an escape route.

All I'd say is that your mum may have stayed with your dad as she thought it was the best option for you as a family, even though she was very unhappy, and her affairs were a symptom of that unhappiness.

If you can, don't take sides. Obviously you know the history and we don't, but that's my opinion only.

Gatehouse77 · 07/04/2017 13:24

I also agree that it has kicked off already.

Personally, I'd have a long think about how I feel about each parent and how I want the relationship to continue. For me, I'd be writing down those thoughts as they come and it would take a couple of days. I'd be in contact with my siblings but not necessarily sharing every thought. Once I felt I knew my position, I'd talk to, or write, to each parent.

I couldn't support a parent that takes no responsibility for their own actions to the detrimental effect of the rest of the family. And I didn't. I decided it was their loss if they couldn't admit the shitty way they behaved and, as a result, stopped contact. I didn't have a problem with my parents marriage ending as it never seemed a happy one to me. I did have a massive problem with how it came about, how people were treated and the (apparent) expectation that I should be the one making the effort to maintain the parent/child relationship. Fuck that.

TheCraicDealer · 07/04/2017 13:32

I'd tell her to stop acting the victim and ask her what part of what he said she disagreed with- the facts speak for themselves. People make mistakes, but it's how you deal with them that say what type of person you are.

One affair, ok, you can chalk that up to an error of judgement and do your best to work on whatever made you make those choices in the first place. Having a second and then making your children complicit in lying to your spouse- nah. You can't get out of that one. Then the third within 10 years? And she's annoyed at being "disrespected"? She's been disrespecting her husband and the rest of her family fairly consistently over the course of the last decade. If all she was dealing with was a bit of name calling in the immediate aftermath of discovery then she got off lightly!

Personally I would be ceasing contact until I saw some evidence of guilt or contrition. She's treated all of you abysmally not just your DF. You cannot take your family's love, trust and affection for granted, and that's what she's done. She used you and your siblings' concern for your DF to manipulate you all and protect herself; she then thanked you by running off and doing it again. If the siblings can take the same line then more the better, but it's up to them.