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Original poster

Are all affairs bad?

28 replies

BadBetty · 06/04/2017 11:04

Hi all!
I'm new to this but wanted to hear some opinions.
I'm trapped in an unhappy marriage, my husband barely notices me and he is complacent, lazy and selfish. I want to leave him but our daughter has started her GCSES and I'd never forgive myself if the disruption of a divorce impacted on her.
He is a good dad and he is a good person in lots of ways, she would be devastated if we broke up.
He seems to think our relationship is fine and I've tried talking to him but he just sits playing on his phone constantly and ignoring me. I feel lonely and trapped I don't want to be with him anymore. I have got the chance to spend time with another man, I'm seriously tempted... would it be so wrong to have a little bit of fun back in my life. I can't help but feel seeing another guy would tide me over until my daughter finishes school and then I can leave my husband. I miss sex, I miss being held and kissed. I miss being noticed.

OP posts:
Sodomeyes · 06/04/2017 11:06

I can't help but feel seeing another guy would tide me over

Yuk.

Imagine if your H thought that about another woman.

Bones2017 · 06/04/2017 11:07

Yes it's wrong. Especially if your H thinks you're ok and he loved you. Leave him before you destroy him by an affair.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 11:15

What a vile perception to have of humans; there for the using whilst your own marriage bores you stiff; stop making your daughter an excuse to stay and cheat; either work on your marriage if you want to or separate; bloody hell, unbelievable; do you not have any self respect or any for your partner; if not, just bloody end your sham of a marriage then go shag the world.

AnneLovesGilbert · 06/04/2017 11:24

You can leave if you're not happy. You could wait till your daughter's done her exams and then do it, you don't have to wait till she's finished school if that's another two years away.

Having an affair is a very bad idea. But you're an equal partner in your marriage and if you want to divorce your husband then he can hardly stop you by looking at his phone instead of engaging with the discussion.

Him thinking he's happy isn't enough reason to stay if you're unhappy, and he won't stop being a good dad if you and he separate.

Don't be a dick and cheat, it won't help anything. But don't be a doormat either. If you'd be happier out of your marriage then end it. It's a bit lame to say you can't because he's distracted when you're trying to talk to him.

Wait till the exams are over then sit him down and tell him you're splitting up and the plan is x y and z.

Cricrichan · 06/04/2017 11:26

I think that as long as you're both mature and make sure that your daughter knows that you both still love her and you're both happy, she'll be fine with you splitting up. Or just wait until she finishes her GCSEs... but then it's A levels etc

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 06/04/2017 11:28

Imo having am unhappy dm would impact more on a dd when she is old enough to understand she was the reason you didn't leave her df.

Having happy parents will be enough for her even if they are apart. .

PollytheDolly · 06/04/2017 11:30

Work on your marriage to see if it improves. Tell your DH how you feel.

Or leave.

One of the above really is the only way.

alltouchedout · 06/04/2017 11:32

I think infidelity is awful.
Your marriage sounds pretty awful too, and I sympathise, but adding another layer of awfulness to it isn't going to make anyone happy.
You can leave. You can tell DH how you feel. You can try and make things work. All those are valid. Cheating is not.

AnyFucker · 06/04/2017 11:33

"Tide you over" ? Yuk. People are not like packets of crisps to keep you going until lunchtime.

whatsthecomingoverthehill · 06/04/2017 11:35

I think pretty much the only excuse is when it's an abusive relationship and if an affair precipitates an escape from it then that's a good thing.

But shacking up with someone else because you're a bit bored? Nah.

ohforfoxsake · 06/04/2017 11:41

You either end the marriage now, or when your DD has finished her GCSEs.

How do you think your DD will feel when she finds out you have deceived them both? That you chose to lie and cheat on her and her father (whom she loves I imagine). Do you really want to let her down by being extraordinarily selfish?

It is possible to protect your children from massive separation fall out if you are thoughtful and kind.

You are fantasising. That is all. Extremely bad idea to put it into practice.

MephistophelesApprentice · 06/04/2017 11:46

The bad part of the affair is the lying and breach of trust. Ask him for an open relationship or a divorce.

Booboo27 · 06/04/2017 11:46

I've done it in a previous relationship and I would never recommend it. It added a lot of extra stress and made me resent my partner even more. And when he did eventually find out (they usually always do) he was beyond heartbroken and had a bit of a mental breakdown. I'm ashamed that I behaved so selfishly, and in the relationship I'm in now i would never dream of doing anything like that. My advice would be to wait until your daughter has finished her exams and then leave before pursuing anything at all with anyone else

Boredbeforeievenbegan · 06/04/2017 11:53

Tell your dh, he deserves the choice of whether he wants to stay with someone like you.

Dadaist · 06/04/2017 12:17

What could possibly go wrong?

TheNaze73 · 06/04/2017 12:40

In answer to your question, obviously not but, the fall out would be horrendous. Do things properly, don't cheat if you need to leave

lazytuesday · 06/04/2017 12:43

Can you speak to him about how you feel?
I think affairs are always bad because of the lying and the hurt they cause.
I dont however think that its bad to have an open marriage if both partners agree to it.
Perhaps if he is genuinely not interested in you sexually you might try suggesting this to him?
I wouldnt go behind his back because it never ends well.
Really it sounds like you do just need to find a way to leave him now before you start to lie.

75yasmin · 06/04/2017 15:23

I know I'm going to annoy a lot of people but here's my honest opinion. I don't think all affairs are bad. I'm in a so called marriage, separate rooms, no sex in over 7 years. My husband knows I'm leaving as soon as my DS finishes his GCSEs, which is 2 years away. TBH we're more like 2 people sharing a house than a married couple. I've been seeing another man for over a year, he knows my situation. He is divorced with grown up children. I'm 43 and he is 58. The only difference between me and OP is my husband is useless, not there for me or children. You say your husband is a good man/dad. I think you need to be upfront with your husband and tell him how you are really feeling. Say you are feeling lonely and contemplating leaving. His response to that will tell you how he really feels about you.
Good luck

Coffeegrain · 06/04/2017 15:39

I agree with Adora10.
I knew someone who did this. She clearly had no respect for her partner or the OM wife. She enjoyed the 'challenge'.. she also admittedly used people. She had low self esteem and depression and didn't want to be alone. It fucked her up and now she believes she's made a mistake.
If you're not happy. Leave.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/04/2017 16:22

I can see where you are coming from.
But.... it won't tide you over.
The deceit and lying you have to do to cover it up.
The guilt you will feel towards your DD.
It will totally fuck with your head at a time you need to focus on getting your ducks in a row.

NotJanine · 06/04/2017 22:33

Have a read of the 'is it ever really a shock' thread

dingodon · 07/04/2017 04:50

Seriously? Any "affair" is bad if you are doing it behind the back of your partner/husband etc if you are unhappy then finish it don't bring more shit into an already bad situation.

Isetan · 07/04/2017 08:19

Your bad marriage isn't a get out of jail card, cheating is still cheating. If you want to martyr yourself for your DD's education, knock yourself out but if you cheat, you're not being a martyr you're just being a cheat.

Be an adult and end your marriage, ending your marriage was always an option, that you've let it get to the point of considering an affair, is on you too.

SecretNortherner · 07/04/2017 08:44

You don't want a divorce to disrupt your dc during their GCSEs, what happens when they find out their Mum is sleeping with some random guy. Think that would upset them.
If you are unhappy in your relationship either leave your dh or talk to him. Make him realise how serious it is.

onemorecupofcoffeefortheroad · 07/04/2017 09:05

Sounds like a miserable situation -your DH is wilfully neglecting you and making no effort in the marriage and it sounds like you have the attention of another man and you want to feel loved and cared for - that's perfectly normal and so I wouldn't blame you for falling into the arms of another.
However, for your own sake and for the sake of your DC I would be cautious. You could get hurt, your DC could get hurt and, although he is partly responsible, your DH will be hurt too if he finds out.
If it was me I would talk to your DH again, be really honest, tell him what's happening for you that you've reached the point where you're actually contemplating an affair. Shock him into taking notice and give him another opportunity to recover things before it's too late.
If the marriage is really truly over and there's no recovery then you should address this with him. Maybe as others have suggested an open marriage might work if DH was up for it. Good luck

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