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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Tempted to cheat with colleague

46 replies

Lisbetha · 06/04/2017 10:23

Have name changed.

I've been with my husband for 4 years, not early 30's and no DC. We've had an ok sex life and we get on for the most part, I love him very much and his sister, my sil is a very good friend.

The last time we had sex was in November. At first I didn't mind, he had a lot of projects to attend to and was working late a lot around the Xmas/new year period so I let the lack of sex slide. Until February when my company took on an intern. He's in his early 20's, very handsome, well built and always flirty with me. I'm constantly thinking about him and want to pursue the flirting even further.

I feel dirty for flirting but my husband makes me feel unwanted. Whenever I try to initiate sex with him he tells me that marriage isn't about sex, and shouts me down so I end up feeling desperate and humiliated. I feel like I should do something with my colleague not because I'm desperate but because I feel we have a connection. My dry sex life is killing me and my marriage is the only thing stopping me from crossing the line but if I carry on like this I may well sleep with my colleague.

I don't know what to do as my husband won't listen so I'm starting to resent him but what am I suppose to do.

Sorry for typos.

OP posts:
Original poster
Lisbetha · 06/04/2017 10:23

Both early 30's*

OP posts:
Adora10 · 06/04/2017 10:25

Using this young lad as an excuse to have sex is not the answer; you either put the effort into the problems in your marriage whether that be trying harder together or agreeing to split, it really is that simple; your husband may not be making you happy but I don't think having sex behind his back with a work colleague is the answer either; in fact if I was you, I'd tell your husband your thoughts, maybe then he will realise how bad things have got.

QuiteLikely5 · 06/04/2017 10:29

A lack of sex for a few months is no reason to cheat; it is a reason to discuss the situation in depth with your husband and work out if you want to stay married as your mismatched libidos are going to cause big issues.

If you cheat then in my books your nothing but an old slapper trying to get an ego boost from a younger man.

user1483387154 · 06/04/2017 10:34

Talk to your husband about this. You need to decide together if you want to work on the intimate side of your relationship, think about if an open marriage would work or if you should split up.

It is not ok to cheat.

RickJames · 06/04/2017 11:09

Talk to your husband - its not acceptable what he's doing. Tell him that you cannot continue like this. It might end up that its better to split. Whatever you do though, don't cheat. Especially with someone from work, when it comes out you'll (rightly or wrongly) have decimated your reputation professionally and then you'll still have all the shit to deal with at home. Affairs are grim - there are better answers to your predicament.

SleepFreeZone · 06/04/2017 11:12

The problem is what happens after you sleep with the colleague (assuming he does like you too). He is unlikely to want to pursue something serious with you so really you are discussing ending your marriage. Do I think you should end your marriage? Absolutely. You are far too young to settle for a sexless relationship. Would that then leave you free to shag horny twenty somethings? Yep!

Cricrichan · 06/04/2017 11:21

I also think you should sort things out with your husband and decide what you want to do with him before you consider going with anyone else. You're young and with no kids so if it's not working out with your husband maybe it's time to split.

Hermonie2016 · 06/04/2017 11:43

You can't solve the situation by sleeping with a colleague.Its just adding to the issues and will make you responsible for breaking the marriage.You are likely to get caught so you will lose your friendship with sil.

You need to have a conversation with your dh and if he refuses to talk or shuts you down then you have another marriage problem..lack of communication and lack of intimacy.
Those are unreasonable behaviours and you can end your marriage.

I think by having the affair you are hoping to either punish your dh or just make yourself feel better.Both reasons don't show good emotional intelligence.Take the right path as long term you will feel better about yourself.

Being emotionally mature means you have to try and resolve issues, making your dh aware thats its causing you to want to end the marriage.End the marriage if you can't have communication or intimacy with your dh.

TheNaze73 · 06/04/2017 12:52

Address the issues in your marriage but, don't cheat. 5 months without sex, must seem like an eternity but, don't cheat

Flightywoman · 06/04/2017 13:21

I have been in a relationship where my partner didn't come anywhere near me for months - no kisses, no hugs, no handholding, nothing. It was crushing and awful, I felt like a dead leaf, unwanted and like the most unattractive person in the world.

But that still would have been no excuse for me to have an affair. I didn't just want sex, I wanted it with him, the man I loved.

OP, it won't solve the problem - which is your husband's lack of contact and refusal to address how he feels and how you feel.

You can easily not shag your colleague - be honest with yourself you wouldn't be thinking of it if he wasn't fit or flirty.

Don't do it, speak to your husband and have a serious think about what he is telling you.

HeavenlyEyes · 06/04/2017 13:23

If your husband is awful then leave him and be single. And then once you are single you can sleep with whoever you want. Well within reason.

noego · 06/04/2017 15:01

This kind of post really fucks me off.

If you and your P are not getting on and do not see eye to eye then either end it or sort it.

BUT do not use your P as an excuse to go and have some cock.

An orgasm last for a minute, true love lasts forever.

If you want to be non monogamous then have the guts to be open about it.

Fucking grow up.

something2say · 06/04/2017 15:05

No ego, no need to be quite so brutal....!!

But I agree with everyone else. It's fine to end things if needs be. Don't like that he shouts you down either...

noego · 06/04/2017 15:36

Straight talking needed sometimes.

Been on the other end of this twice. Its devastating. Takes a long time to heal. There is no excuse. Honesty is best policy.

TeaQuiero · 06/04/2017 15:49

She tries to talk to her husband and he shouts at her and humiliates her, and she asks MN for advice and gets called 'an old slapper'? How is this supportive?

Ending the relationship is probably for the best. He is unlikely to change and I am concerned at his tactic of humiliating you to 'win' discussions. That's never going to improve. If it's all handled amicably you may not lose the SIL as a friend. With no children you're in an excellent position to go.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 15:57

Tea: I will never support anyone contemplating and asking for support to have an affair, get bloody real; in this case, ego is right, some straight talking needed and where does she say her husband humiliates her; your desperate attempt at excusing shitty behaviour makes no odds with me or others who do not agree, NO MATTER WHAT with using any excuse to have an affair, it's wrong.

intheknickersoftime · 06/04/2017 16:18

If I'm completely honest, and I'm prepared for a flaming, I understand the OP's point of view. I have been in the same situation for years. I have a lovely partner, three wonderful DC but he rarely initiates sex. Wanting a life affirming shag, with someone she finds attractive does not make anyone a "slapper" Hmm it simply makes her human. I don't think its going to be the best decision for you op, but I get it, I really do.

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 16:35

knickers: just when I've read the worst:

A lovely man, PMSL, does he know he's in an open relationship then?

Ah but never mind, you are only human.

intheknickersoftime · 06/04/2017 17:11

I think you've deliberately chosen to misinterpret my post for your own ends Adora. This is what you get for being honest on mumsnet I suppose.

QuiteLikely5 · 06/04/2017 17:15

I said if she actually cheated then that's what I would think to myself. It's not a pleasant thought but she did ask for opinions on cheating?

Of course I do not think people are bad for having 'certain thoughts'

Adora10 · 06/04/2017 17:20

No I haven't misinterpreted, your post is crystal clear and I have no agenda.

histinyhandsarefrozen · 06/04/2017 17:21

Your dh sounds weird. Why are you staying with him?

intheknickersoftime · 06/04/2017 17:22

I don't think any woman should be called a slapper for wanting sex.

However affairs do happen easily in these circumstances. Its a dangerous place to be. I hope you're able to resolve things with your husband OP. You have to talk to him first and I think you know that.

intheknickersoftime · 06/04/2017 17:23

It is not crystal clear that we are in an open relationship, I've never said that. You have misinterpreted it.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/04/2017 17:28

Lisbet, if you proceed with your young colleague, you may be facing a sexual harassment charge, no mater how much he flirts with you (imho, you should tell him to back off). Your marriage will end. You will lose your friends. You very well may lose your job, or at least be the entertainment gossip of the office. Worth it? No.

What is the saying? Don't shit where you eat. You will need your paycheck when your marriage ends.