Tempted to cheat with colleague

[Lisbetha]

Have name changed.

I've been with my husband for 4 years, not early 30's and no DC. We've had an ok sex life and we get on for the most part, I love him very much and his sister, my sil is a very good friend.

The last time we had sex was in November. At first I didn't mind, he had a lot of projects to attend to and was working late a lot around the Xmas/new year period so I let the lack of sex slide. Until February when my company took on an intern. He's in his early 20's, very handsome, well built and always flirty with me. I'm constantly thinking about him and want to pursue the flirting even further.

I feel dirty for flirting but my husband makes me feel unwanted. Whenever I try to initiate sex with him he tells me that marriage isn't about sex, and shouts me down so I end up feeling desperate and humiliated. I feel like I should do something with my colleague not because I'm desperate but because I feel we have a connection. My dry sex life is killing me and my marriage is the only thing stopping me from crossing the line but if I carry on like this I may well sleep with my colleague.

I don't know what to do as my husband won't listen so I'm starting to resent him but what am I suppose to do.

Sorry for typos.

Has there been a change in your sex life with your husband? And if so, has it been a gradual decline or do you think something has triggered it? Have you considered the possibility that there could be something going on medically with him that he's embarrassed about and so he's trying to avoid sex? I think you need to sensitively talk about it with your husband and find out what's going on. Please don't have an affair with someone just because of this, there will be no coming back from it once it's done, and you don't want to ruin your marriage without even discussing the problem first and seeing how you can resolve it.

Has he always been like this or has it changed recently?
Why does he shout at you?

By all means have sex with your colleague. Just accept that if you do it means your relationship is over. I don't think you can have it both ways.

In your shoes I would go for it. Life is too short to waste on people who treat you badly, and that is what your husband is doing.

Knickers, whatever, if you are goading for an argument then why not try someone else, someone who actually supports your cause?

I think you have taken on role of affair ambassador lol.

No real advice, OP, but I think some of the responses you've received have been incredibly harsh. I'm actually in a similar spot to you (although my object of attraction is our handyman rather than a colleague. Yes, very Lady Chatterley) and it's not easy. I feel as though a hugely important part of my life has been ended because of my husband's choices. I am not ready to kiss goodbye to physical pleasure for the rest of my life, nor willing to subject my children to a divorce.

Nothing but empathy - and sympathy - from me.

intheknicketsoftime It sounds as though we are in a similar place. I agree with everything you've said. It is difficult, and there's nothing wrong with acknowledging the temptation to seek comfort elsewhere.

I don't think any woman should be called a slapper for wanting sex

Nor do I, and I'd not stoop to calling anyone that name; what I do object to is you twisting words to make out an affair is A OK cos her husband is shit; what kind of old bullshit excuses is that; at least be original?

Funny how all the supportive posts are from liars and cheats but they found themselves in affair, you all sound incredibly pathetic.

I'm not goading for an argument???? I could relate to the OP. I have no cause!! You're there with the LOL and the PMSL Adora!! And then accusing me of being in an open relationship, I was just trying to understand. Can we not explore ideas on here?

Thank you sailaway, I'm in tears here, your post does mean a lot.

I'm supportive of the OP, Adora10, and I'm neither a liar nor a cheat. But I am a flawed human being who recognizes that not everything in life, and in relationships between adults, is black and white.

You are all making excuses for really shitty behaviour, because your partners are shits then that gives you all the green light to go out and satisfy your sexual needs; in fact this here actually makes me feel a bit sick, it's so egotistic: I am not ready to kiss goodbye to physical pleasure for the rest of my life, nor willing to subject my children to a divorce.

But you're happy to trash your children's father with your actions, nice.

All excuses, every one of yous.

Do the decent thing, do the right thing, don't respond to someone's bad behaviour by doing exactly the same thing or worse yourself.

Adorable, stop exaggerating.
I'm not a liar or a cheat.

Op, your marriage sounds grim. Sort this out before you do anything. If I were you, I'd leave: I can't stand a non communicator.

Tbf I said if she sleeps with him then I would think she was a slapper or worse tbh!

I DID NOT say that she was for thinking about it!

Read my comments properly if you are going to respond!

Or maybe some of us just decided to leave the moral high horse in the pasture today?

Tbf I said if she sleeps with him then I would think she was a slapper or worse tbh!

I DID NOT say that she was for thinking about it!

Oh that makes it so much better, she's only a slapper if she actually has an affair!

I'd imagine the man that is lucky enough to experience this great sex on the side could either be single or married, it won't matter, could be children involved on that side too, but ach that won't matter either.

As long as you are punishing your husbands for not having sex with you and getting your sexual release then it's fine.

Having an affair hurts a lot of people, maybe think of that before you think of your fanny.

And yes perhaps I am exaggerating but that's my experience from a father that did exactly what you are contemplating OP and it left my mum with a breakdown so forgive me if I appear unforgiving, it's because I am.

Is ok, I won't comment any more.

Adora10 I think it would be far more egotistic to break up my children's home because I wanted to have more sex. You disagree. Ho hum.

A good marriage shouldn't be sexless for six months without very good reason, or unless that's what both parties are happy with.

You are clearly not happy with it and frankly I wouldn't be either.

However it isn't an excuse to cheat. You need to have an honest cards on the table talk with your husband. Tell him you can't exist in a sexless marriage. Ask him if he is willing to work on the issue and if he even wants to. His answer will show your your next step. Either you can stay together and restart your sex life, or you leave him.

If you leave him you can have sex with as many young men as you like, although there are still good reasons why a fling with a colleague is a bad idea.

If you cheat you are effectively closing the door to your marriage. You may not be happy in your marriage but you took vows for a reason.

You're feeling horny and your hormones are shouting far louder than your common sense.

You have two problems to sort out:

1. your hormones
2. your marriage/husband's problem

The first is easy. And does not require wrecking a marriage to sort out. Humans are very clever at independently satisfying sexual urges...you know what I mean. Excuse the crudeness, if that sort of thing offends you.

The second is more complex because you don't know what has caused your husband's problem. But he most certainly has a problem and needs your help. Be kind, be gentle, and listen well. Start by telling him you miss him and love him.

You fancypants colleague is a red herring here. Look but don't touch.

You need to set time aside for you and your husband to talk, properly talk - maybe go out for dinner, somewhere he can't shout you down, or walk away. Find out what is wrong. See if there's anyway of salvaging your marriage. Consider couples counselling or sex therapy.

After that, if you both decide your marriage is dead in the water, then take steps to end it.

Don't be seduced by your flirty colleague, not now.