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Relationships

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Original poster

Should I forgive a one night stand?

71 replies

Ilovepeppa · 05/04/2017 13:35

Been married to my hubby for 13yrs and have two young boys. He works away often but always trusted him completely.

When he got home from his last trip couple of weeks ago, he told me he got drunk one night and had sex with a woman he picked up on a night out. He was very sorry and begging for forgiveness. I believe he only told me because he thought he had an std in his mouth (herpes)!

I feel so devastated by this and really struggling to see past this and I feel he has ripped my heart out. I have lost all trust in him, especially as he works away at time, and have lost all respect for him. I honestly don't know if I love him anymore now.

Am I right to feel like this after one betrayal, or should I forgive as he's sorry and it was only a one off?

Would you forgive or end things?

OP posts:

hellsbellsmelons · 05/04/2017 17:30

I'm so sorry OP.
This won't have been the one and only time and I think that's the bit I could never forgive.
If it was a genuine ONS that only happened once, it might be something I could work through. But it's highly unlikely.
I've had 2 people cheat on me and both were kicked to the curb!
It's something I'm not prepared to put up with but you might be different.
Everyone has their own boundaries.
Did he get a full STI check or just for Herpes?
If I was you I'd be going to the GUM clinic very soon and getting myself checked out.

TheNaze73 · 05/04/2017 18:50

You would be insane to try.

"I was drunk"
"it was the only time"

Utter bollocks. He's only told you because of the STD issue.

He's chosen to lob his cock up someone else. How could you forgive that.

Once a cheat....

Original poster

Ilovepeppa · 05/04/2017 19:29

I reckon he only told me cause of the std scare as well.

Being drunk was definitely no excuse as he wasn't too pissed to perform.

Once a cheat, always a cheat...that's what worries me.

OP posts:

youngdumbnfullofcum · 05/04/2017 19:49

As someone who has cheated before in a long term relationship (I'm not proud of it but I'm hoping my shittiness will at least help you), I can only help to offer some advice.

I am a very honest person so when my (now) ex said that he would forgive me but I had to promise I wouldn't do it again, I refused on the grounds that I knew if I had done it before there's nothing to say there won't be a time I won't do it again. If he says in the moment that he's sorry and it was only one time, that is how he feels in that moment and doesn't reflect the rest of your lives together. Imagining that you did forgive him and you both stayed together, if he ever did it again (and you found out), he would know there's a chance you'd forgive him.

On the other side of the coin, you're in a different situation because you have children, and while he didn't think about that when he made his mistake, you need to make sure you think about that now. If you're willing to make it work, all things aside, you need to make sure he knows for sure that if it ever happened again that you would not forgive him, and you would need to stick to that.

It's an awful situation for everyone involved (some more than others, obviously) and I am so sorry this happened to you, I hope you both find a way to take this situation and make it a positive situation.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 05/04/2017 19:54

Yes, exactly on the cheating. Another way to think about it is that if you remain in the "relationship" it has been fundamentally redefined into an "open" marriage. Nope.

TheTabardOfDoom · 05/04/2017 19:59

It would be a dealbreaker for me too OP. Everything is ruined now and if he is coming across as not giving that much of a toss either it's because it's not a big deal to him and why is this? Because it's probably normal behaviour for him. I would divorce him no question.

Mulberry72 · 05/04/2017 20:01

Sorry that you're going through this OP

I couldn't forgive this, it would end my marriage. As PP's have said, he's only confessed because he's caught an STI. Please make sure you get yourself checked over.

JesusTwerks · 05/04/2017 20:03

If you get some you time, go out and have a ons too. Or even a little affair. Your husband doesn't have to know. What you don't know can't hurt you.

It may even raise your self esteem.

NoShitSherlock101 · 05/04/2017 20:21

Once a cheat, always a cheat. You said it. Trust is everything and once it's gone, its gone. I'm sorry OP.

Being single is better than being badly accompanied.

Darbs76 · 05/04/2017 20:35

It's a very personal decision - I've seen people say if their partner cheated it would be 100% over no question but when it did happen to them it wasn't that easy. There's so much to consider. It's easy to say what you'd do but the reality is different. For me it would very much depend on how sorry he was and the effort he would be putting into rebuilding some kind of trust. It could even be he would be prepared to change jobs so he isn't working away. If he's just thinking he's confessed and things can get back to how they were with no changes then no that's not acceptable.
You need to consider how you will manage if you seperate and what will happen. Don't rush into a decision or feel pushed into a decision based on views of family / friends - it's your decision 100%. Good luck

Christinayangstwistedsista · 05/04/2017 20:53

What you need to understand is that the relationship has changed forever, even if you manage to forgive, you will never forget

There will always be a seed of doubt now, you will always have an underlying resentment, consider if you can live like that. I couldn't

Original poster

Ilovepeppa · 05/04/2017 21:19

Christina

You're so right. This is my worry that it will change our relationship and things will never be the same again.

Thanks for all your replies, it's really helped me.

OP posts:

OSETmum · 05/04/2017 21:29

No I couldn't forgive him at all sorry.

Christinayangstwistedsista · 05/04/2017 21:35

Unfortunately, it has already changed your relationship

donerwillbehere · 05/04/2017 21:35

Ilovepeppa ........ I was in a similar situation many years ago ....... I thought I we could overcome what had happened . However I couldn't the constant sickness in my stomach, looking at his phone each time it beeped. I became a person that I wasn't ...... I really thought I could overcome the infidelity but what was happening I was changing ..... so for the sake of my mental health and my 2 boys . I asked him to leave certainly wasn't easy and heartbreaking but I had to be true to me ...... I know that I would not be able to move on ....... took me a long long time ..... I have to say I have 2 very marvellous young men ...... I don't think the boys would have turned out like they have if I had stayed with there dad ...... me scoring brownie points and snipping at their dad ......

Good luck props in you decisions ..... there is light at the end of the tunnel

TheTabardOfDoom · 06/04/2017 07:51

The two times I would know it was over was when I looked at the two kids and realised that their Dad is scum to break up the family. The second time would be when I'm sat on the bench at the clap clinic waiting for my name to be called. The fact he left it so long before telling you and only cos he thought he was infected tells you all you need to know OP.

KungFuPandaWorksOut16 · 06/04/2017 08:05

I'm the kind of poster who doesn't always think the worst when an OP posts about their partner. I try to give a counter arguement as too why it could all be innocent.

But in this case there is no way I could make this sound innocent!

What are the chances this was his first time cheating on you and the unlucky bastard happens to suspect he might have caught herpes.

So does this mean he's wreckless when cheating? Or just this time he lost his mind and was putting your sexual health in danger.

I couldn't forgive his actions nor would I ever be able too trust him.

He only told you because he thought he had contracted something. In my head I would see that as he's put my health at risk multiple times and not given a shit. He does realise he could of gave you anything without noticing because you don't always get symptoms straight away.

I know you don't want too break up a home or be a single mum but ask yourself these

when he goes away would you trust?
when he's away and he didn't answer straight away will your mind come up with worse case scenario
when he tells you about his trips would you believe a word that comes from his mouth?
when his phones goes off, would you want too know who it is all the time?
would you be able too lie with him at night without wondering where he has been?

If you answered yes too then I can't see how the relationship would continue.

emilybrontescorset · 06/04/2017 10:00

The thing is if it had happened during a one off event which your oh won't be doing again, such as a stag do in Prague, then maybe you could forgive.
This is different though. He has done it whilst working. He will continue working. The temptation will always be there. Every week you will feel anguish. He can insist he won't do it again. The temptation is there though.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 10:03

No, you shouldn't forgive. But some people do. And of those people some of them manage to have a half decent life together after. But half decent in the best case scenario is not good enough for me.

JaxingJump · 06/04/2017 10:05

Oh and people working away often cheat. I lived in a working away country for many years and saw a LOT of infidelity with the men who were there on business. It was more normal than not I'm sorry to say. And if he has 'done it once', I can assure you it's not a once off kind of thing.

GreenerGrass1 · 04/08/2017 19:13

No way could I forgive this. Drunk or not the intention was there.

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