Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Flip

1 2 3

Original poster

Should I forgive a one night stand?

71 replies

Ilovepeppa · 05/04/2017 13:35

Been married to my hubby for 13yrs and have two young boys. He works away often but always trusted him completely.

When he got home from his last trip couple of weeks ago, he told me he got drunk one night and had sex with a woman he picked up on a night out. He was very sorry and begging for forgiveness. I believe he only told me because he thought he had an std in his mouth (herpes)!

I feel so devastated by this and really struggling to see past this and I feel he has ripped my heart out. I have lost all trust in him, especially as he works away at time, and have lost all respect for him. I honestly don't know if I love him anymore now.

Am I right to feel like this after one betrayal, or should I forgive as he's sorry and it was only a one off?

Would you forgive or end things?

OP posts:

Renaissance2017 · 05/04/2017 15:17

I got past an affair that my other half had. Took a while but it's doable if that's what you want.

And looking at the other side of the coin, guilt may have made him convince himself that he had an STI.

Pallisers · 05/04/2017 15:18

Well I couldn't do forgive him and carry on.

I also wouldn't believe for a moment it was a one-off. I'd suspect he has been doing this for years.

LonginesPrime · 05/04/2017 15:19

Yes, and Chippednail makes a good point - unless he's got a real thing for oral sex, is this not a bit of an odd thing to happen in a 'one-off' drunken fumble?

OP, only you know whether that's weird for him (and you don't have to tell us!) but I'd query whether that's more the type of thing one would do in an ongoing relationship.

He came back and kissed you with a herpes mouth and then only told you when he thought the game was up. Gross. I'm not sure whether sexually transmitted herpes works the same way as the version that causes cold sores, but could he have given it to your DCs if it's in his mouth?

gillybeanz · 05/04/2017 15:20

Only you can decide whether you forgive or not.
I couldn't because it's inexcusable.
It's not like you forget you are already spoken for.
I'd be afraid it would mean accepting/ forgiving in the future.

ConfessorKahlan · 05/04/2017 15:21

How many times will be too many if you forgive him for this 'one night stand'? At what point do you draw the line that your trust has been completely and irrevocably broken? He has betrayed you and only confessed becuase he thought you might find out when gives you an STI. You will never trust hin again, especially if he continues to work away. It was probably not even the first time.

I'm sorry he has done this to you, but for me it would be over. He was not thinking about you, your relationship or your children whilst he was indulging his own wants for his personal gratification.

GreenPeppers · 05/04/2017 15:21

No one on here can tell you how you should feel.
Some people do forgivena ONS
Some people cannot get over the breakdown of trust.

If it was me, I would say it depends a lot of how he is reacting and if his behaviour screams of guilt and not wanting to see that ever happening again.
Note I'm talking about behaviour here, not words.
I know DH has done things (not an affair) that has really shattered my trust in him. But we have worked through that and rebuild something.
It is worth remembering that whatever you are rebuilding WILL be different than what you had in the past.

DramaAlpaca · 05/04/2017 15:24

I couldn't forgive that. It would be the end of my marriage.

Belle1102 · 05/04/2017 15:24

I would like to think I'd try and work things out if it happened to me, but I know I wouldn't be able to. I'd always feel insecure around him and I'd never trust anything that comes out of his mouth again. Plus the added paranoia I'd be feeling about whether he had cheated on me other times in the past would be overwhelming.
Could you maybe take a break to see how you feel in a month's time once the dust has settled a bit? If you don't think that's going to help at all then you should end things as soon as you can and find someone who respects you properly.
I've been paralytic drunk on a couple of occasions and still haven't cheated on my partner. People say they aren't in control when drunk. That may be the case to a certain extent, however unless he had completely blacked out then he must have known to a certain degree that he was pursuing another woman and wanting to get his hands on her. Incredibly selfish behaviour!!! Plus why was he getting that drunk anyway where he's apparently not in control of his actions?!

starfishmummy · 05/04/2017 15:26

OP you need to get a sexual health check.

SpookyPotato · 05/04/2017 15:29

I couldn't forgive... I would always be wondering why he's late, who he's eyeing up, wondering what positions they did, checking his messages etc... and I don't want to be that person. Sorry this has happened OP he basically made the decision to ruin the family the night he cheated.

Heirhelp · 05/04/2017 15:29

No I could not.

If he only told you because he has catch an STD then I would suspect that this is not the first time.

hoddtastic · 05/04/2017 15:32

i don't believe him, i think you need to get a STD check and fuck him off, he's going to drive you insane otherwise, worrying about what he's up to- and he's not worth your sanity or your dignity.

Floralnomad · 05/04/2017 15:36

I wouldn't be able to forgive , I would also struggle to believe that this is a one off . Sorry .

Jaysis · 05/04/2017 15:38

Say you get past this. Say you really, really work hard on putting this behind you.

How will your nerves be on his next work trip? And the one after that? And all the other ones. What state will your marriage be in with you wanting to check his phone, his emails, his pockets, his suitcase every time he comes home. Is that a life you want, or even think you could endure?

Get an STI check. And seriously consider asking him to leave until you've had some time to get your head around this.

ShakingAndShocked · 05/04/2017 15:39

What exactly did he say when he told you 2 weeks ago - as in, literally: how did the convo start; what detail did he go into; and what was it he said about poss STD? It's very very hard to answer your question without knowing those things.

IE he could be that one in a million of genuinely fucked up whilst too plastered to realise what doing (although I take PP's point re 'performing') or is there something very specific that was happening to him in the genitalia dept that made him tell you?

As those are wildly different scenarios so I'm wondering if even you yet know which it is? If your head has (understandably) been so lost in all of this that you haven't been able to apply normal critical thinking to it.

Scenario A could poss be though I think I'd still fail at the trust hurdle eventually if honest salvaged; scenario B be instant game over for me.

I am so so sorry someone has put you in this position

TessyFew · 05/04/2017 15:41

OP you will be the one that'll need to live with your decision and only you can know if you'd be able to let this go.

Whether hes lying or not is irrelevant. Yiu csn onky make decisions based on what you know. If you forgive him you'd need to completely move on from it. There's no other way. If you can't do but still stay with him you'll be putting yourself (and your kids) in an awful situition that could go on for years. He's put you in an utterly shit situation...all because he couldn't keep his dick on his pants! It's rubbish that he gets to do that but you're the one that now feels like you need to make a shit decision. But it is what it is.

If you haven't kicked him out already - maybe you should. At least in the short term so you have time to think. And he be hit with some reality. Might be tough for the kids but making rash decisions without considered though would be far more damaging in the long term.

Hope you get through this

ShakingAndShocked · 05/04/2017 15:44

To check, this was a couple of weeks of ago? So you must have had STI checks by now right? If not, why not and please please PLEASE get yourself checked ASAP. This is serious and nasty stuff

LonginesPrime · 05/04/2017 15:47

And if you haven't left him don't do anything with him until you know he's clean too.

I think I would gag every time I kissed someone after this, tbh.

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 05/04/2017 15:55

You are in a LTR and have a young family; things are inevitably frequently stressful and unexciting by this point in people's lives. Add in the availability of other women through working away, alcohol and illicit excitement and the unedifying (but hardly exceptional) has happened.

I know mine isn't a popular view on MN but I am older and see life as grey, not black and white. I can see how people are tempted, how alcohol and loneliness make things happen that ordinarily wouldn't happen. I would suggest you take time to think and talk, maybe you could find an experienced counsellor? You will never be able to forget, you are unlikely to forgive, but can you find a new normal for you both? I have no idea, but perhaps it will be possible?

Original poster

Ilovepeppa · 05/04/2017 16:23

Thanks so much for all your replies, it's really helped me a lot to see things more clearly.

Just to clarify, he has had tests done and he's all clear, so I bet he's regretting telling me.

I have every detail of what happened that night to the point of ripping her clothes off, so the intention was definitely there.

I have done nothing but think and cry for the past two weeks but not anymore. He's told me he's sorry, but to be honest his actions say otherwise...just doesn't seem that bothered.

The thought of being a single parent terrifies me also because I don't work, still a sahm and I live 150 miles away from family.

Like many have said though, it's probably not the first time and if I forgive it won't be the same again. So think I will end up telling him to leave.

OP posts:

Adora10 · 05/04/2017 16:30

You won't have all the details OP; that's just naïve.

If he didn't work away then I could maybe believe it was a one off; I can't help but think this is not the first time and he only told you because he was worried about having an STI, on his mouth so not so drunk he couldn't perform oral sex on her then.

It's just rank; I am so sick of reading about this on here from married people and I am not even married but would never betray my partner the way some folk on here do and then justify it with well we weren't getting on - you're still a shit person if you do this kind of thing!

Only way I would get past it is for him to move out OP; for him to feel a consequence for his actions; a trial separation at least if you want to get back with him and not be worried about the trust; he will have to earn it back off you and that can take a long time.

What's sad in these cases is there are children involved and the woman will always veer on protecting her family which usually means it's swept under the carpet, the cheat has no real consequence and you will find yourself back here again when it happens again; do not let him away with it if you intend on staying with him, make him pay and make him prove to you that he is committed because in my book drunk or not, you'd not even consider an affair if you were happy and content in your relationship.

Saying that, unfortunately some me see working away as a free pass to act as a single person; that just proves no matter what they will always cheat.

emilybrontescorset · 05/04/2017 16:36

It's entirely your decision.
I would find it difficult to get past as he will be in exactly the same position with working away, many, many times.
It is daunting being a single parent but far better than wasting your life in a bad marriage.
If you did separate then you would be free to live near to your family and that would probably make things much easier for you.
Don't feel guilty either, he was the who broke your marriage.

SingingSilver · 05/04/2017 16:37

I couldn't ever trust him again. It does seem like he only confessed because he thought he contracted an sti. How many others were there? (He'll say none, because that's what they always say, but would you believe him?)

If someone's job involves them working away a lot, they should be scrupulously trustworthy. Either that or single.

You need to ask yourself whether you can ever wave him off again with full peace of mind.

PollytheDolly · 05/04/2017 17:12

It's a NO from me. Mentally I could not cope with it, no matter how much I loved him.

I'm sorry OP

Emboo19 · 05/04/2017 17:25

Personally I'm in the no forgiveness camp!!
I couldn't trust him if he cheated and I wouldn't want a relationship without trust! My boyfriend knows full well, it's a absolute deal breaker for me.

Flip

1 2 3

Swipe left for the next trending thread