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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Toxic atmosphere - up with baby and so tired

70 replies

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 04:03

I'm just hoping for a hand hold really. Have been solely doing nights with baby since about 4 weeks (bf)- so about 10bweeks now totally exhausted. MIL visiting soon so H wants house tidied (i am sahm). Constantly criticising my housekeeping. Yes I'm not perfect and I prioritise time with DC over tidying but keep dc clean and in clean clothes do all the shopping cooking etc. I prioritise cleanliness over tidiness, he's most interested in tidiness. He's even suggested maybe I dont need to sterilise bottles for expressed milk and am just creating work (i'm not mad right, this is important?!). He's gone on an OTT rampage of cleaning/tidying today, including rearranging shelves, but doesn't seem to care that older DD has dirty hair. Didn’t push to give her a bath as I know he'd see that as obstructive. Normally he doesn't even pick up his clothes where they drop. He wants things to be tidy but he wants me to do it and doesn't want the day to day bother of picking up after himself. Anyway am so tired but can't sleep after last baby feeding because I feel so miserable and going over in my head the things he's said to me. I keep on justifying myself but really it's not about each event is it? For example, last night i chucked a wet nappy on top of a full (small) bin in the middle of the night and it fell off onto the carpet - today he noticed and was going on about how gross it was and couldn't i even manage to put it in the bin. It was the middle of the night, I'm exhausted, i hadn't noticed. I immediately emptied that bin (and I can't even remember when he last emptied that bin and I do empty it regularly but I don't care about that, I care that he's so horrible to me over something so small). I just want someone to be nice to me and to not be going over this in my head so i can sleep before the baby wakes again.....oh here we go, too late....

OP posts:

Toobloodytired · 04/04/2017 04:13

Aw bless you op!

I do feel for you, it's hard enough being sleep deprived with kids but having someone on your case about trivial things can intensify situations.

Your husband obviously doesn't understand just how difficult raising children is, regardless as to whether he's there or not, given that you obviously do most things!

Tell him, if he wants the house "tidy", he does it! It's not just you who lives there.

NameNotANumber · 04/04/2017 04:14

sorry he is being an arse.

He shall kid he helping and supporting you, not criticising.

hesterton · 04/04/2017 04:20

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 04:21

Thanks guys. Baby waking a lot tonight too. So, so, so tired. I did spend a lot of day folding and putting away (neatly!) Clean clothes so am trying to help him as this is seemingly mportant to him - frankly speaking for myself at this point if my clothes are clean I don't give a stuff if they're stored in a jumbled heap.

OP posts:

hesterton · 04/04/2017 04:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

NameChange30 · 04/04/2017 04:22

Why isn't he participating in the parenting of his children?

Does he think you're his slave?

Original poster

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 04:25

Hesterton that is a totally amazing idea. He'd probably say it would be rude to MIL (she's coming to visit baby after all) but it's definitely an idea. It would also give DD some time alonne with MIL without feeling overshadowed by the baby.

OP posts:

Marley45 · 04/04/2017 04:26

He's being a nob. Let him crack on and tidy if it means that much to him.

Everything will feel better in the morning though. Broken sleep is no fun (I'm up with my seven week old now!)

mylaptopismylapdog · 04/04/2017 04:28

Sorry you are having to put up with this, he needs to understand that you are looking after a totally dependent baby who if looked after well will grow to be as he is, you are and presumably his Mum is a capable adult. If he is bothered about tidiness it is his problem,if it is her he needs to understand it isn't for her to dictate how you live and what your priorities are. His mother should be 3rd after you and the baby.

Original poster

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 04:31

AnotherEmna, yes, i do wonder (and when i had DD i had a career and earned as much as him - how did i end up here?). I did say to him today that I'm a sah mum not sah housekeeper . I think it's the mum bit that takes priority! I do also deal with all bills / paperwork to do with house, cars, insurance etc and have had a lot to do on that side recently too.

OP posts:

Original poster

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 04:33

Hesterton - thanks for the virtual tea! It's much needed

OP posts:

Original poster

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 04:44

Marley, yes it's tough. Hopefully before we know it they'll be sleeping through and we'll be looking back on this time fondly

Mylaptop. It's pretty clear I come last. He doesn't care how tired I am. He's made that pretty clear. That's why I'm so sad. He acts like my ever having a nap in the day is pure self indulgence and threw the one nap I've had in the last two weeks in my face yesterday when arguing about the cleaning. I did point out that the general advice is "nap when they nap" and he acted like this was a personal atrack on him.

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 04/04/2017 04:46

"when i had DD i had a career and earned as much as him - how did i end up here?"

Well presumably he wanted and expected you to give up work and become his slave a SAHM, and you agreed to do it? I imagine you did it for your DD and not necessarily for him but the result is that you're financially dependent on him and he seems to feel entitled to order you around and criticise you. I don't blame you for feeling miserable with a husband like that.

NameChange30 · 04/04/2017 04:48

He should appreciate everything you do for the children, and as an absolute minimum, he should treat you with respect, but he's not doing that is he?

Original poster

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 05:01

He does seem to have a bit of an issue in making things nice for MIL - been here before. I'm happy with the same level of preparation I'd do for my mum and dad. It's a bit weird as MILs house is hardly perfect (in fact far from it).

OP posts:

NameChange30 · 04/04/2017 05:04

He can prepare for her visit. His mother, his insistence on extra preparations - he does it.

Have you read this?

Original poster

Ineedacupofteadesperately · 04/04/2017 05:06

Thank you so much - you have all made me feel much less alone and it means a lot . Baby is asleep so going to try and sleep before have to get up with DD (sigh). Will come back tomorrow....

OP posts:

Jemimapiddleduck · 04/04/2017 05:10

You can get your job and career back - it might be slow but you will get there

Tootsiepops · 04/04/2017 05:31

You poor, poor thing. I'm so distressed for you. Why are you the only one doing nights? I'd be on my knees on 14 weeks of broken sleep ( 10 weeks of which you've done by yourself ). Why is your husband being such a monumental arsehole?

AttilaTheMeerkat · 04/04/2017 06:43

I would ask why you and he are together at all. He did not want a wife; he wanted a slave and someone to service his every need.

DownTownAbbey · 04/04/2017 06:52

He's an arse. I know you can't leave such a small baby alone for long but it would be great if you could go away for a weekend and allow him to feel the full force of a couple of nights broken sleep. Just a wee taste of your 10weeks! Someone this un empathetic is a bit of a worry.

Bananamanfan · 04/04/2017 07:41

He is a bellend; this happens to a worrying amount of men when they become fathers. Sometimes it is only temporary, but it does take precious energy in educating them. To me this is the fundamental idea of trust in a relationship; when you are not with your OH during the day, you have to accept that they are conducting themselves in their usual hard working fashion. When you had a payslip each month your dh had 'evidence' of this. He is being a controlling, suspicious areshole in questioning what you are doing during the day, do not engage with it. Maybe start asking him if he took a lunch break at work, hhow many times did he go to the toilet, did he have any meetings ("that must have been a nice rest") etc. Really, it would be a hell of a lot easier to go back to work full time & pay people to do what you are doing now.
Broken sleep is awful and everything takes so much longer during the day when you haven't had much sleep.
I'm so angry on your behalf

knackeredinyorkshire · 04/04/2017 07:45

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

InTheMoodForLove · 04/04/2017 07:55

get a cleaner !

Bananamanfan · 04/04/2017 07:57

Or tell him to get out & he can show off his nice tidy room at the travelodge (that will actually be a shit tip).

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