feel so alone....and he wonders why????!! long post and a bit of a rant...sorry!

[lonelymumof3]

DH works long hours (6.30am-8pm) I am a SHAM to 3 children. We have been married for nearly 6 years.

I feel so trapped here and very very alone. I don't like leaving the house anymore. I feel like I am bringing up the children on my own. I have no friends and hardly any family.

DH won't even look at me lately and all I want is a cuddle and for him to tell me that things will get better, but he doesn't. He always used to buy me flowers, chocolates etc and tell me that he loves me. But now he doesn't. He will if I say I love you first and pressure him into it, but not if his own accord. If I ask him if he still loves me and wants to be with me, he just says 'you know I do'....(which I don't)

When he is at home he is always busy doing something else.

I never get any time for me as I am always looking after the children. If I say anything then he will tell me to go and have a bath. But I always end up doing this when the kids are in bed anyway, then he interrupts me wanting the toilet.

He spends 2 hours every other night doing weight training/exersizing. If he comes home early, he just spends even longer doing exersize. He goes mad and moans like crazy if the kids interrupt him during this time. All they want is a cuddle before bed and to spend some time with their daddy as they haven't seen him all day.

On the nights he doesn't exersize, he does something else, like spend hours in the bathroom or has to go to the shops for something, or running errands for his mother and father.

If I ask him to have a night off and spend some time with us or help me with something, he gets grumpy. If he does say he will, he spends the rest of the night in a strop saying that he never gets to do what he wants. I end up in tears.

The last time we had sex was weeks ago. I made a real effort to make myself look nice. He wasn't bothered though, then just went to sleep and didn't talk to me the next day. It has to be through his initiation or not at all. If I dare refuse he moans that I don't love him anymore, or accuses me of having someone else (which I don't)

I can't remeber the last time we spent a weekend together as a family.

If he comes home and the place is a mess cos I've been run off my feet all day, he moans 'oh I suppose I have to tidy this lot up later as well then don't I??' I can't win.

He has even started saying that he doesn't like me in certain clothes, saying that I look scruffy. Ok I never buy new clothes, but the ones I have I thought were ok. Besides, I would rather clear the debt and the kids have clean clothes than me be dressed up to the nines.

We are in debt by about £15,000 but he still keeps spending. I had to buy a new fridge and freezer the other day as ours had broken. This is the only thing I have bought in ages, and as far as I saw it, we needed it....our old one was leaking everywhere, got cracks in it and the doors didn't close as the magnets have gone on the doors. He went mad at me, even though I bought the cheapest one I could find that was the size we needed. I pointed out that it was dangerous to have a fridge below a certain temperature, especially with baby bottles and meat in the fridge. He said there was nothing wrong with the old one and that if there was then I probably did it on purpose so I could get a new one.

He never gets up to the children and I cannot remeber the last time I had a full nights sleep. Not that I mind. At the end of the day, its not forever, but the offer of help would be nice. If I wake him, he stomps around moaning and waking up everyone in the house. Its easier to do it myself.

He is always saying he cannot understand why I am the way I am....when I tell him he just says I am being stupid and goes off in a huff.....AGAIN.

It feels like we are leading separate lives but under the same roof. I am so alone. Is it me or him? Or is it my fault? My head is racked at the moment. I am so miserable. If it weren't for the kids I think I would do something stupid. I am sure if is wasn't for the kids, we wouldn't be together. I am sorry for ranting but I really need to talk to someone

Oh you poor thing. Big hugs (which we need smileys for). It sounds like he's a bit unhappy but rather than discuss it he's burying his head in the sand. I'm not sure which tack to take but I think there is a lot to be discussed here and he has no clue as to how you are feeling and what life as a mother entails.

Could you try writing it all down or just losing the rag? Drastic though it may work.

More big hugs
X

Oh you poor thing. can't offer any practical help but do send lots of sympathy.xxx

sorry you're having such a tough time of it. The only suggestions I can come up with is (similar to pagan) is why don't you print off this thread and show it to him. ((hugs)))

I have tried losing my rag and I just ended up collapsing I got so wound up. I have wrote him a letter and he just scanned through it and put it to ine side. Stupid as it sounds, I do still love him. I don't want to be without him. I just want 'US' back

You poor thing. as Pagan said, it sounds as if your dh is very unhappy at the moment but can't or won't talk about it. Somehow you need to find a way of getting through to him. Is there any way you could get a babysitter for a night so the two of you could go out for a meal and have a good talk? You need to find out what is causing his unacceptable behaviour and he needs to hear from you exactly how you feel, how exhausted you are and what exactly it means to look after 3 kids and the house.

Sorry you are going through this, lonelymum. It's difficult coz he sounds a bit frazzled and depressed ATM, which will make him more selfish, and less inclined to nurture you, but require some nurturing himself! I think spending all this time on gym equipment is being unfair to you and your kids - but it sounds like he's doing this to escape the stress. Have you tried asking him what would make him happier? If he felt it was more of a two way thing in sorting things out, he may respond better. Re:the clothes - I think it would be a good idea to get some new gear, as it will help you feel better about yourself - Primark/Mark One are pretty cheap, and that will help the way you deal with DH, and DH will perk up a bit if he thinks you are making an effort for him. Apologies if you've already tried any of this. It's extremely tough for you if you're not getting family or friends supporting you to counterbalance lack of support from DH. Where do you live - I'm sure they'll be some local mumsnetters that you could meet for coffee or something - a bit of social support will make you feel better, or dragging yourself out to toddler groups etc. I know its tough socialising when you feel down, and don't have a gang of friends on hand, but the more people you meet, the more chance you have of meeting someone you really connect with. Is there anyone who could babysit so you could spend some time alone with DH and go out? Could DH look after the kids one weekend day, so you could so something for you? If you want to chat, my msn is [email protected]

But are you together? It really doesn't sound like it. This doesn't sound like a marriage to me. It's certainly not a marriage I would be prepared to stay in. I have no idea what's going on in his head but his behaviour is extreme and unacceptable IMO. He has completely opted out of his family. What is he spending money on? What does he do at weekends? Do you honestly see a future together?

I think his criticisms of you and insults to you are bordering on the abusive tbh.

i just cannot get him to talk. He keeps saying that there is nothing wrong and not to worry. This has been going on for weeks now. I would walk away if it wasn't for the kids. mummytosteven I have added you to my list. Thank you x

aloha he spends money doing up his car. He spends the weekend tinkering with hte car and doing weights/exersize. If I ask him to take me shopping, he grumbles, so I have to do it all online. I can't see a future with him anymore but if I tell him this he says I am being stupid.

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i may be totally reliant on him but I have nobody else. Most of my family are miles away or dead. Toddler groups are impossible as they clash with nursery times. I have nobody to look after the children. Paying someone to look after them while I got to work would be a waste, as it would cost more than I earn. Trying to get out of debt as it is.

You could tell him to take his car and his weights and sod off and at least you wouldn't have to look at his miserable face

Hope that doesn't offend - it's meant to be funny. But seriously, if he refuses to talk and you get no help from him, only grief, then perhaps calling his bluff would nudge him into action.

I have told him to go but he says the lease is in his name so if anyone should go then its me...yet when i called his bluff and tried to leave, he stopped me and locked me in the house saying I couldn't leave him. Im so confused

How old are your kids, LonelyMum? Are you in or near a SureStart area - if you are in a Surestart area they have volunteers that can help with things like shopping, and they may run courses which provide a creche. If you are near a Surestart area there may be mother and baby groups with a creche to give stressed out mums a chance to chat and socialise. How old are your kids? What hours a week are they at school/nursery - give us some specifics and we'll put our heads together to figure out a way of you getting out and about - if you stay at home all day you will feel worse and worse - just a bit of fresh air does make you feel better. I do feel he is being very unfair to you - and am concerned at the attitude that it is "his" car - it should be your car/the family car not "his" car IYSWIM. Tell me to MYOB but how did you end up in debt - just wondering if you may in the long run be better off financially without him anyway.

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My message just crossed with yours. Don't know what the legal position is with leases - but general position is that mothers are not expected to leave the family home on divorce. Could you phone up the CAB when DH is at work to get some advice on your rights if you left. I am quite concerned at him locking you in the house to stop you leaving - that sounds quite controlling. Has DH made it difficult for you to make friends/make you stop seeing friends? Is there anyway you could get DH to go to GP to see if he is depressed? I realise this may be nigh on impossible. Given that he is spending too much, you may in the long run be better off financially by yourself, even if you have to go on benefits till your kids are all at school. Could you move to be near your family if you left him? Would they be any help?

Sounds as tho your dh is stressed - this does strange things to men I would concentrate on you and the children if youcan take control of teh finances - treat yourself to something to make you feel better and leave it upto him to approach you -let him get on with his projects whilst you do fun things with the kids - he will hopeful realise that you and teh kids are having fun andwant to join in - always ask him if he wants to join in then he can't moan you are excluding him - Do you and him discuss your financial situation at all ,maybe you could go to CAB for debit counselling and have a plan for both of you to work to maybe this would unite you -

he has got into debt buying things for the car to do it up. new lights, fancy interior etc. he has also bought things like playstation and games, clothes for him and loads of other stuff. The car is his. I can't drive anyway. All the debts in his name anyway now....trasferred them to one loan in his name, cos it would be cheaper, and as he is the only one that works, it had to go in his name.

Glad to see that the debts are all in his name now. I think he does need to get some form of treatment for his compulsive spending - whether this is due to depression, or selfishness this is just so unfair. Why should you not get new clothes just so he can buy PS games! If he doesn't sort out his spending habits, which are all going on luxuries, not things for you/children, you will always suffer a poorer standard of living than you should have. TBH I think that if he doesn't stop spending soon, you really will be better off by yourself financially in the long run.

It is good all teh debt is in his name - it is not fair that you go without so he can have luxeries - is this because he thinks he deserves them cos he works I think you need to try an dtalk to him ( if you think you can safely) or alternatively try counselling or homestart/surestart for help for you

I'm hearing huge alarm bells here. He calls you names, he criticises what you wear and the way you look, when you tried to leave, he locked the door and imprisoned you... this is all the kind of behaviour of man who has the potential to get violent. You say you have no friends - why is that? Has he ever destroyed anything you own and cherished - eg torn up photos or broken something precious to you?

aloha no he hasn't. He ripped a door off its hinges years ago but thats it. He scared me so much I called the councils emergency housing and they said that they would come and get me straight away. He rushed home and convinced me to stay. H ehas never done anything like that since either. Never harmed me or the kids. I have no friends cos everyone pushes me out. I have tried. Mums at school don't speak to me, even when I try. They just look at me like I am interrupting a secret meeting

i dont want to sound horrible or anything but this sort of reminds me of me and my exp. i think he thought he had a cushy life with a partner who looked after dd, made his meals, did his washing, and do whatever he wanted. he didnt tell me he loved me or made any effort to take me out or spend time with me as if i was actually his girlfriend and not his mother. i didnt want to put up with it, kept telling him i was unhappy. he ignored it and thought i was just being a drama queen.

your dh sounds a little selfish. he doesnt seem to realise how harder work it is to be a mother. he has got you (or himself) into debt because of a car, and really there are more better things to be spending money on, like maybe a weekend away as a family. if he hardly sees his kids, this is going to have an impact on them.

i felt reliant on exp, and didnt even have the confidence to leave the house unless i was meeting up with him, or going out with him. i would suggest that maybe you should try and make a little independance for yourself. it is hard, but itll make you feel a bit better

i suggested a holiday as we have NEVER been away in the years we have been together....he said we couldn't afford it. Bloody cheek.