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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Help me handle tricky in-laws

34 replies

thisisnewname · 03/04/2017 16:42

dh and i are going to move close to in-laws. We live in different countries now. Each time we visited them, mil and sil said very politically correct things in front of dh but when he was away were quite different with me. dh got an impression mil and sil are nice to me. While mil made indirect comments about me - my cooking, eating, living, any habits you can imagine in a very carefully subtle way. At times, she was openly bossy like talking to a spoilt child. My dh noticed a few times after I told him but has kind of forgotten since dh and I are having problems between us too. And now tells me that this happens with everyone, I am making big deal about it. I have realised she is quite passive aggressive, and I have even seen her making faces to me (not in front of dh). When dh is around, she is laughing, cooking, eager to help. SIL is all about herself. When we meet, SIL just takes over everything. dh is very close to his family. They don't have much boundaries, at the same time dh has no comfort to talk to them about how it affects us. Anyways, now we will be living not so far from them and they would expect to be in regular contact. It worries me because when we dh is with his family, I am completely alienated. dh is so relaxed he doesn't even notices. I feel very hurt that dh doesn't care. I tried telling him recently when discussing new move, and his response was mil is getting older, he can't leave her and we might have to live together at some point. I felt hurt that after how his family behaved, he considers me the bad person, and provides no assurance that he will handle them or at least will try to be more considerate with me when they are around. I know for sure my in-laws resent me, which I would ignore if they were not so close to dh. Any tips or advice how I can handle this.

OP posts:
kittybiscuits · 03/04/2017 16:46

Don't move near them and think about why you are married to someone who is dismissive and unsupportive when his family members are treating you badly.

fluffywuffydoda · 03/04/2017 16:58

Don't move near them, if your husband doesn't have your back 100% it will only get worse.

ImperialBlether · 03/04/2017 17:00

Why on earth would you go and live near people like that?

Do you have children?

ExplodedCloud · 03/04/2017 17:02

An international border between them and you sounds like a great idea.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 03/04/2017 17:07

Regular contact can be between them and your dh at their house.

Simple.
You don't have to allow them into your home when you know their attitude.

And your dh can't force the issue either. . He married you therefore his loyalties should be with you. If he can't give you this assurance then you need to tell him to move with them!!

inlectorecumbit · 03/04/2017 17:07

Stay where you are.
Why are you moving closer to them?
What would happen if you told your DH that you were not moving?

Universitychallenging · 03/04/2017 17:09

Don't move.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 03/04/2017 17:26

Don't move.

I would further assess your own relationship with your DH because he does not seem to be at all supportive of you. Infact he seems as dismissive of you like his family of origin. I am actually wondering why you and he are together at all?. What is in this relationship for you?

Original poster
thisisnewname · 03/04/2017 17:44

Thanks everyone for your replies.
dh has an amazing job offer in US. We are not from UK, my family is not in new country. I don't work, we don't have kids. dh has been dismissive about my concerns throughout our marriage. In his family women accommodate to men's needs, so it's obvious he is upset that I am not quietly following him. If I share any concern, his usual answer is - how other people manage it. He did mention we live in nicer part of the city. But every concern of mine was shutdown without any discussion about how we will face it. In the end, he got very upset with me. I know he really wants this job, and is quite frustrated that because of me he can't go. I do not want to keep him from his career aspirations but dh is very defensive about his family and it makes me worried. I have also started wondering what's in this relationship for me.

OP posts:
Sparkletastic · 03/04/2017 17:53

You sound like you are in a very vulnerable position both emotionally and financially. Can you work? I wouldn't be moving with DH if I were you.

kittybiscuits · 03/04/2017 18:21

I've also encountered people who are 'nice' in front of the family member and unpleasant behind their back. Your husband doesn't care how they treat you. This is not a good sign.

AdaColeman · 03/04/2017 18:28

Let him go and take the job himself, don't move near to the MIL, she will make your life a misery.

Also, think hard about the life lessons that you are passing on to your children, for instance that a wife's wishes and concerns are secondary to those of the husband.

happypoobum · 03/04/2017 18:35

Please don't move near these people they sound toxic and will make your life hell. Are you planning to have a family? I imagine they will ramp it up and completely take over.

Are you from the country you are living in now? Could you work there? Could you go home to your family?

He sounds dismissive of your fears and sexist. I wouldn't be going anywhere with him. Flowers

MusicIsMedicine · 03/04/2017 18:41

Been there done it. These kinds of sly devious manipulative people are full of games.

Do not move near them if you want to hold on to your marriage and sanity.

Your DH won't see the truth and will just blame you, it's always the way.

SeaCabbage · 03/04/2017 18:43

You don't have children yet so you could potentially get away from this man who doesn't seem to care about your feelings one bit.

Let him take him dream job and you can live where you like. HOpefully a long way from his nasty mother and sister.

ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2017 18:46

Don't do it. You will regret it enormously.

TBH I think you probably also need to look at your marriage. He doesn't have your back and in a marriage that is far from ideal.

MusicIsMedicine · 03/04/2017 18:46

The fact he is shutting you down is a huge red flag.

This isn't about other people or how they manage, it's about you. Your right to have a voice in the relationship.

And no you don't quietly follow the man. We're in the 21st century now.

What's in it for you and why are his wants (the job) Coming before your needs?!?!

If he won't even listen to what you say is an issue for you now, then you are sleepwalking into hell if you follow him, marry him or have kids.

You have no ties. Walk away now and find a decent guy who has your back.

Original poster
thisisnewname · 03/04/2017 19:45

Thank you all for your suggestions. I am very worried. dh and I came from a sexist culture. One sided marriages was the norm in my country but things have changed quite a bit. dh's family migrated to US before he was born. They have retained old values. My friends' husbands in my home country are understanding about their wives' struggles. Maybe because they are in big cities. dh comes from very old school upbringing, and a few times he acknowledged that his family is wrong but in moments of anger he blamed me and called me non adjusting. He says I should let it go and that everyone has to deal with in-law problems. I now try to maintain distance from in-laws and it works for them very well. They are happy that they get to spend time with dh exclusively without me. They have told dh they wish I also visited but make no efforts or never talked to me about it. A few times, in fights dh said his family loved him better than me. In these circumstances I don't want to go US. In addition, I will have no-one to talk to and I will be farther away from my home country. He thinks it's no different from living in UK since that's also not my home country. I can work in UK but I am so hopeless about life (not suicidal but sometimes wonder what kind of life is this) I have some depression now, and a gap in CV. I have got appointment with therapist. But it will take some time before I feel better. dh really wants to go, so I don't want to force him to stay, he won't be happy. If we split, I will go back to my country. I won't get a job because of gap, also mind-set is far more rigid there. But I can start a small business. Deep down I still love dh, and don't want to end marriage, and hope things will change. I can't picture life without him. This is my second marriage, I feel I have failed, I come from very judgemental/opinionated society. It's not the reason for not splitting up but it does remind me that no matter where I live life will be a struggle. dh is supportive with my career choices. He even suggested I start a business and he will financially help me. Problem is he is not understanding. It's very difficult to live in a marriage where there is no emotional support. One time he screamed at me 'suck it up'. Despite our love for each other, we are not able to work it out in a cooperative way. I am not even sure if dh really loves me, he is a bit controlling too. He recently acknowledged and said would work on it but is upset with me for stating my concerns. I see no light at the end of tunnel. Thank you all for listening.

OP posts:
Original poster
thisisnewname · 04/04/2017 02:52

Do you think there's any hope left?

OP posts:
Notagainmun · 04/04/2017 07:52

I really don't think you should go with him. If he wasn't supporting you in the beginning he is unlikely to change now. If will be worse if you have children with him.

Alpies · 05/04/2017 12:48

How old are u Op? Are u from an Indian culture?

Is there a way u can have couple's therapy?
Many people here will tell u to LTB, that it's all his fault but reality is not always that simple. Do u love him? Is there a way u can work things out n start a family?

Original poster
thisisnewname · 05/04/2017 13:14
  1. You guessed it right. We went to couple therapy 1.5 years ago. dh changed his mind from 'likes therapy' to 'biased therapist'. Then another 8-9 months of convincing and him changing mind, i started on my own and dh joined reluctantly later. Didn't work out. dh thinks he knows better and therapist kind of gave up. Therapist wasn't specialised couple therapist. We stopped going. I won't say its all his faults. But he was very cautious and distant in the beginning of our marriage and said very unreasonable and harsh things. For a year, I have lot of resentment and it comes out in our interactions. Our problems started because of his baggage from past relationships and perfectionist nature. He is cautious and individualistic and his family supports his way of thinking. I feel pretty hopeless. I went to a new therapist yesterday and therapist suggested dh might have a personality disorder. I still love him but too hurt to show it.
OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 05/04/2017 15:12

Your relationship with your DH does not sound good.
If you stay and live a crappy half life you will be failing yourself.
There is nothing wrong with wanting a better life for yourself.
It does not mean you have failed.
In the US, therapy and doctors do not come cheap.
I would guess a lot of your depression right now is down to your horrible relationship with DH and with his family.
If you can get away from them it will help your mental health and in turn, YOU!
Don't 'settle' for this.
Grab life and make the most of it, away from people who bring you down.
I'm starting again at 48! You have a lot of life left at 39. Do you want another 30-40 years of this?

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 05/04/2017 17:07

well,you've got a choice - either move with him and live a life of submission and servitude, or stay here, build your own life and give yourself a chance at at happiness.

What exactly do you love about him? what makes you love him? He isn't supportive or even understanding. He doesn't see you as an individual nor does he respect you as one.
He doesn't care about your feelings or needs - his and his family's come first.

As for saying he'll help you set up your own business - yea right! He's just dangling carrots in front of you, i doubt he has any intention of 'allowing' you to do anything that takes you outside your designated role. FGS - he's already told you he expects his mum to move in with you when she's older!
So there that job sorted for you Hmm
Just as well you don't have any dc - it would be yet another 'reason' why you should remain in the home & dependent on him.

It seems to me you've been ignoring the red flags that were always there. He doesn't have a personality disorder - this is who he is and always has been.

Alpies · 05/04/2017 22:06

The way I see this OP, u need to make a big decision. Do u love him and want to be with him n be willing to work hard to make him see u n what u have to put up with or walk away n start again.

Neither r going to be easy.

He was born in this family. To him this is the norm. He doesn't see anything wrong with his mum's behaviour as he has grown up with her.

I was in a similar situation and nearly walked away from it all. My mil is also Asian and she is so manipulative. I decided not to fight fire with fire or fight with DP. Nothing was to be gained from that other than constant fights which was damaging our relationship.

Instead I have stood by and be super nice to her whilst putting very tough boundaries.

Maybe u could do the same. If u love ur DP and want to make it work and start a family, that is. A lot of MILs r nightmares and yes a lot of son are weak, ball-less little boys who have no guts. But no need to let her win. Be nice. Make sure you're never alone with her. When she says something, repeat it as a question bk to her ( I was given this advice here and it was invaluable).

It really is up to what u really want though. It seems u r deep in a depression and r consumed by her behaviour. Step away and be honest with urself as to what u truly want for yourself 10 years from now and work to make it happen.

Don't let her get to u either way.