Help me handle tricky in-laws

[thisisnewname]

dh and i are going to move close to in-laws. We live in different countries now. Each time we visited them, mil and sil said very politically correct things in front of dh but when he was away were quite different with me. dh got an impression mil and sil are nice to me. While mil made indirect comments about me - my cooking, eating, living, any habits you can imagine in a very carefully subtle way. At times, she was openly bossy like talking to a spoilt child. My dh noticed a few times after I told him but has kind of forgotten since dh and I are having problems between us too. And now tells me that this happens with everyone, I am making big deal about it. I have realised she is quite passive aggressive, and I have even seen her making faces to me (not in front of dh). When dh is around, she is laughing, cooking, eager to help. SIL is all about herself. When we meet, SIL just takes over everything. dh is very close to his family. They don't have much boundaries, at the same time dh has no comfort to talk to them about how it affects us. Anyways, now we will be living not so far from them and they would expect to be in regular contact. It worries me because when we dh is with his family, I am completely alienated. dh is so relaxed he doesn't even notices. I feel very hurt that dh doesn't care. I tried telling him recently when discussing new move, and his response was mil is getting older, he can't leave her and we might have to live together at some point. I felt hurt that after how his family behaved, he considers me the bad person, and provides no assurance that he will handle them or at least will try to be more considerate with me when they are around. I know for sure my in-laws resent me, which I would ignore if they were not so close to dh. Any tips or advice how I can handle this.

Thanks Alpies. I do love him but I have massive resentment now because he never cared for my feelings. While he is so considerate with everyone else.
I has his own issues too. We tried couple therapy twice both times he was reluctant, didn't follow through. Both times I had to convince him so much.
He blamed all his exes. His last ex was emotionally abusive. I am his third wife. He felt entitled from the beginning that I should be understanding about all his problems, behavioural issues while he didn't have to care for my emotional and physical needs.
His family also put such thoughts in his mind. Nobody ever told me marriage is both partner's responsibility. He thinks he is doing his bit by going to office. mil openly talks about a wife's duties which is basically taking care of man's and his family's needs.
He recently admitted his past is affecting our marriage, but he blames me too because now we have too many fights. The only people he really trust are mil and sil. When we met, they told him I am not a good match because of different backgrounds. In one of the fights, he mentioned his family was right.
I love him but he has become borderline abusive and self centred. He keeps changing mind about me and if I ever complain, he gets angry and start telling me how much he is putting up with me. I no longer know if he is with me for love/bond or to avoid shame for another marriage failing. I think it's mix of both. He told me to go back and that he would give me money if i am worried about that. And then same night in the sleep, came and hugged me. Never apologised. When I asked told me he would've not let me go. And then a week later another fight where he said his life is ruined with me. I don't know what's really on his mind.

He does have many good qualities but can't stand even the mildest form of complaint.
Did you ever tell dh about your issues with MIL. Was he also misunderstanding you?

You don't have kids. He is unpleasant, his family are unpleasant. He no longer wants to live in the UK. It sounds as though things have come to a natural end and him leaving the UK is maybe part of him wanting out.
Having a husband who "never" cares about your feeling is bizarre. That isn't love. There don't seem to be any positive factors in the relationship.

Third wife? Do I know why his other marriages didn't work?

Yeah Op. first year I kept quiet because I thought he could see it too (her behaviour) but he chose not to. I was so embarrassed for him. But things got so bad and mil became quite emotionally abusive. She took my silence for weaknesss. We argued. And argued. He sees it but I've never seen him stand up for me: he says he tells his mum off but I don't know and I don't care. I don't consider her my family. She visits when I'm here n DP has to be present. I have to psychologically prepare myself for her visits. But the fact that I insist on his presence is he can see her behaviour. I just make a conscious decision not to argue abt it as it achieves nothing. She's not going to change. I can't expect him to turn against his mother. But I'm trying to get him to recognise that her behaviour is not right, and I protect myself. It's so frustrating. Sometimes I just want to scream.

Deep down I realise he knows what she's like but won't openly admit it. But I know he knows so I now see how he keeps her away from me. If that makes sense.

I know what you mean. I am glad he makes an effort to keep her away from you. Is your dh Indian?
dh's first marriage was too early. And ex didn't wouldn't want to be with dh's family. She would not treat them equally and would want both of them to spend time withher parents more than his. I didn't probe much because the way he described she sounded selfish.
Second had a narcissistic personality, very manipulative, selfish and emotionally abusive. dh was not very comfortable and I never probed too much. She sounded very self absorbed from couple of incidents he told me.
I will never know for sure if dh also contributed to any issues in both cases. I do feel from my experience that his family is very difficult to build relationship with as they are not inclusive. My family on the other hand is very welcoming towards dh. So dh can't really relate how it feels to be in my shoes.
In my case, mil is usually passive aggressive, and then openly bossy at times. She is very authoritarian and controlling. sil thinks she has a some sort of right over dh since they are family from childhood. She is very intrusive in our matters, but at the same time not treat me like a family. she openly told mil she didnt want to discuss something because I was present. I felt like an outsider, she offered no explanation. She would non stop talk about her life but would have zero interest in what I am saying. dh is close to them and they are very happy to be around them, so he enjoys there company and doesn't notice or care about me.
Now if we move closer to them. These things will happen more often. dh is very defensive about his family. Infant his own identity is enmeshed with them. Anyways writing about my marriage is making me feel, this is a hopeless situation.

sorry I noticed there are many typos.

OP, I have personal experience of the kind of culture you describe and it can be extremely hard work but I really do have to say - your husbands 3 failed attempts at marriage were not the fault of the women around him

I would put money on your husband having something going on personality/mental health wise and his cultural upbringing is being used as a means to hide it and put the blame on the wives in life

I'd get out now if I were you.

New I'm so sorry, I know this isn't what you want to hear. But I genuinely believe that you need to get out of this marriage fast. He is not a good man. As Peely says, 3 marriages and the wife is to blame in each case? And you're having problems that are not of your making?

You only get 1 shot at this life. Don't waste it with him.

Hi Op, my MiL is Chinese. But I totally understand as I'm from a Asian culture too.

I would say it's odd that your DH has been married so many times and every marriage breakdown has been blamed on the wife. That's not right. It takes 2 to tango.

2Nd wife was a narcisist? Or just had some self esteem and wanted her needs taken care of too?

Op you sound like a really lovely person. Lovely people like you deserve better. This is your life we're talking about. Do you want to spend the rest of it like this? Imagine that your life is a film. Youre the director and you get to decide what happens.