You were right- it's an OW

[Sukistjames]

I posted in November about my husband leaving me suddenly. You all said it would be for OW. Tonight he's admitted it.

Hermione, yes she found out when he moved in with her. She said she begged him to tell her and he wouldn't let her tell me. I feel so betrayed by her too as we were so close.

Your MIL was caught between a rock and hard place, probably due to worrying about the grandchildren. She couldnt rely on your to foster a relationship with them, lets face it its not your job to do that anymore and no one could criticize you if you left it to him. But if she dobbed him in then maybe he wouldnt have allowed her to see them.

And I agree, you dont go from a marriage to living with someone else without there being a significant crossover. One of many things that is common with these cheaters is that they are cowards, so they will keep both relationships going until they are 100% sure that they are leaving for a sure thing.

I am so sorry for you, this would knock me sideways too. But think of it this way....they both know that they cannot trust each other and its only a matter of time before he does it again, they always do.

Sukistjames I am so sorry you have found out about the OW. It is so shit isn't it. I just wanted to say that this happened to me also. However, all the 'revelations' in my situation came about within 3 months of each other. Each month brought something new and so much more pain and heartache.
I don't know what is worse; finding out almost straightaway or after a certain period of time. Regardless of the time it is still so hard and I don't think the idiots who did this will ever know how much it hurts.
For me, my worst nightmare has already been realised, the OW is already pregnant (cheating took place in Oct, baby due in July). I know I will be crushed when the baby arrives but I know I will hopefully be that much stronger. Your worst fears have now been realised, you have got this far and look at how well out have done since he left.
A work colleague asked me today if I think back to Nov when I found out about them, how did I cope. I couldn't answer because i just got up each morning and carried on. Don't get me wrong, it has been so hard and even as I type I am crying thinking about it all.
We are all here to help and support each other through this shitstorm! Stay strong!

Yep, it's horrid alright - really stings when you realise the extent of the lies. I found out about ow in true eastenders style, then he filed for divorce a month later and took ow on a series of luxury holidays. Then came the huge wedding and babies.

I've made peace with it all nowadays and since then have noticed that she doesn't seem entirely happy and he's still a workaholic. Ho hum.

Thank you all everyone for your words of support. I hope I'm in a stronger place soon. I'm finding when I'm at work and busy I'm ok but when I've got nothing to do my brain works overtime, going over it all and trying to make sense of it.
I saw a solicitor for an initial consultation in January, I've booked with a different one to see if they have anything new to say following this week's bombshell.
I feel so sorry for my DC. Youngest is too little but when older one DS10 realises that the 'friend' is daddy's new girlfriend he'll be devastated all over again. I don't know what that will do to his relationship with his dad. They are so close.

It must be tough separating your DCs' need to see their Dad from a sense that he's somehow winning and his scheming is paying off. He might be the goadiest ever now he thinks he is sitting pretty so don't agree to anything without first running it by your solicitor.

How did you answer DC1? It's such a shit time but onwards and upwards .
If your DCs are younger than 10 they might think you will soon meet her and all the grown-ups will become friends.
“I don’t think so, she’s part of Daddy’s new life, and I’m not a part of that", (distract with something else).

Sadly while you would have known MIL's first loyalty lies with her son, this revelation puts your own relationship with her on a different footing at least for now.

When he asked why I was sad, I brushed it off saying I was tired. He knew I'd had a busy day at work so he believed me. He's so trusting, it breaks me heart. It's such a struggle to keep going on for them. If was just me to worry about I could quite easily give up on life 😥

It makes me so angry that he can just swan off and replace you with someone else all shiny and new, AND expect to play happy families by shipping the kids in to show he's Disney Dad of the fucking year.

Where was he when they've been sobbing at night due to his selfish actions and you've been picking up the pieces? Not so Disney Dad then.

Exactly, octopus.
I've been there every night. I wiped DS's tears and been up with DD in the night. He gets to take them out for jolly weekends and can't even do that without involving the bitch. It's so disrespectful of me and the DC.
It's all so fucking cliche, I can't believe it. She's a work colleague. So unimaginative of him.

Sorry OP so slow typing, see you just said DC1 is 10.
Truth is, you can divorce him, but your DCs can't.

A friend told her eldest (9) it was all very complicated between her and his cheating father but he could still have both parents, just not at the same time, together in one home.
Her ex's terms for their boys to have a relationship with him was accepting and showing respect to and better still, liking the OW. She gritted her teeth. When they're older she might elaborate but not now.
Because she's a decent person it is infuriating but she won’t make them feel disloyal to her for loving him.

I can't do this. I'm in tears in the kitchen while DD is eating lunch in the Living room. I can feel myself spiralling into depression again and I'm worried if I go back on tablets he'll use it against me.

What an absolute cock! ... god it must be tempting to scream and shout at both of them. I agree that the novelty will wear off. The lust and secrecy that were probably intoxicating will wear off to the humdrum of normal life.
I personally recommend 'fake it till you make it'. When they have the DC find yourself, new hair, nails done, new clothes and get out there... whether its nights out, hobbies, concerts, festivals, sport. Do it! You will feel better and you will meet new people. Never let him see you cry.
Also... get some legal advice and ensure you can get what you can from him financially. He has committed adultery and should be screwed over every which way.

He's not worth your tears. Do not let him/them push you into depression. You're better than them.

Why would he have to know if you're on anti-depressants?

Trying to fake it but it's so hard. Will be taking him for everything I can though.
I know rationally he wouldn't need to know I'm on ADs but I'm not feeling very rational right now!

Hi another one who has been there and had almost the same script!

There was no ow - but just 2 months after he left they went on a first date!! Odd how they'd been seen together almost since the day he left!

He tried to get our teenage dcs to like her but that has failed. Now 4 years later they barely see him or have any contact :(

I remember the days when I could have just gone to sleep and never woken up. But with help from friends and family I kept fighting and now my life is very different to what it would have been had we stayed married.

You will get there - baby steps and there will be days when it seems utterly shit but eventually the shit days get further and further apart xxx

OP, I know it must be really really hard but allow your kids to go to 'their' house {puke} so that you have some freedom to have your own life when you're ready. Time will come when having the children all the time will make it really hard for you to have a life yourself. So try try try to see the children going to his house as an investment in to a future life that will be very full.

You can do this sweetie. Keep posting xx

DD asleep, now to wait until DS goes up so I can stop pretending I'm fine. They haven't seen me upset and I'm not about to let them now. I feel so angry and betrayed. He was my best friend. I will keep posting and I'm so grateful to you all for your posts. They are helping me to see that it will get better.

It's the best friend thing I find hard to reconcile with too, big hug for you

If it is any help, I am really struggling today also. I have just spent about an hour crying my eyes out. I am pretty sure it is down the time of the month but it is just so rubbish.
I miss my best friend too, so very much. Ironically, I think he is the only one who would be able to help me feel better at a time like this but the bugger was the one who did this to me. It isn't logical.
I wish I could go 5 minutes without thinking about them or having imaginary conversations with him in my head. I can't switch it off and at times I think I am going crazy! I want to throw myself into work but I can't even do that because we all work at the same place. I fear I will bump into them all the time.
I long for the day this is bearable...!

Agatha, so sorry to hear that. Working with them must be hell. My workplace is my safe haven and my colleagues are awesome. They all call him 'the knobhead'.

Oops, may have just outed myself with that. waves at any colleagues who may be mumsnetters 😂

You will come out of the other side and you will have kept your head held high.

Firstly go and see your GP, you've had a terrible shock and need to offload and get advice about AD's or counselling.

Try not to be bitter about the OW. He has probably spun her the "we don't get on, we live separate lives" line. If you can, see if she will meet you as the DC will be spending time with her and you might then be reassured that she's ok for them to be around. Also you could get her version of events.

He's probably telling her one thing and doing another and the same with you.

Sending hugs, one hour, one day at a time X

Sukistjames we are all in the same building but different teams. I can go days without seeing them or other days when I see them all the time. Gahhh! My colleagues have also been awesome.
I won't give them the satisfaction of leaving my job though! They won't beat me!