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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

FWB - feelings. What to do?

65 replies

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 18:55

My feelings are getting in the way of our arrangement. He knows something is up, but doesnt know what. I think he thinks I want to end our arrangement.

I feel i need to just tell him but dont know how.
Hes not having a great day as it is and ive told him to just get in touch when hes feeling better. Yet i still want to just blurt it out to him to get it over and done with.

OP posts:

Justaboy · 02/04/2017 20:49

Call me olde world but i can't understand that having regular sex that feeling don't develop. surely it goes with the territory?

And sooner or later someones going the end up hurt;(

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 20:52

He messaged back saying feelings are definitely a bit of a problem and that he doesnt know what else to say.

At least he messaged back!

OP posts:

Justaboy · 02/04/2017 20:56

Best bet is for you and him to discuss where this is going and it sounds like down the tubes fast;(

Talk that is - not message!

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 20:57

If he doesn't reply I guess you could take it as your better off without someone who doesn't respect you enough to let you know. However I do think he will respond once he has a chance to think.
I'm in a similar position and I just posted before I saw your question!
I hope he gives you the answer you want!

Doje · 02/04/2017 20:57

Ah crap, that's not the best response from him. I'd message back something like "well it was fun for a while, but time to step back if your not feeling feelings too"

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 20:57

I dont know what to do now. My first reaction is to not even reply.
He knows the score. Now i know the score.
Its pointless going any further, really. Unless i want to be an eejit and hurt myself. Which im not going to do

OP posts:

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 20:58

Thanks doje thats a good response

OP posts:

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 20:59

Sorry I just read your other post about his reply! :(
Well that's not a good response. Don't let him use you anymore.
It's super hard to have sex without feeling, in my opinion.

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 21:02

gaynor i hope your response is better.
At least i know now. I knew it was a hit or miss question. Im a little bit gutted but i wasnt invested enough to be deeply affected.

I have said what doje said to him. He replied with sorry.

OP posts:

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 21:15

Yeah just try to move on from it. Give him a wide berth from now on. It's a shame but you will get over it.

Puddington · 02/04/2017 21:21

Sorry to hear this OP I was once in a situation sort of like this, we were both catching feelings in the end (me moreso probably but he always asked me to spend the night with him, always cooked me fancy meals from scratch, once accidentally told me he loved me etc) and it was pretty awful as I knew he had a host of issues (terrible abusive childhood among others) that would prevent things from really ending up the way I wanted.

I was so upset at the time and even for quite a while after I felt it was such a shame things hadn't worked out -- but sometimes things just don't work out, I suppose. Still I'm really sorry to hear his latest response but it's good that you say you weren't invested enough to be super upset. Hope the future is brighter. Best wishes

Notthemessiah · 02/04/2017 21:44

He could just be tiptoeing around it as he's not sure if your text is saying you're dumping him or want to take things further than FWB. Maybe he does feel the same but doesn't want to to say it until he knows what you mean.

Both of you need to stop hiding behind your phones and actually talk to each other - old fashioned, I know!

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 21:47

I will definitely give him a wide berth gaynor.

On the plus side. I no longer feel like a fool!
I think i took the reigns back when ive been upfront and honest.

It was the last time we got together where i felt it. I dont think i could have done it again without having this conversation with him. Id of felt a worse i let it continue without saying anything.

paddington im sorry that happened to you. It sounds like you were pretty invested. Such a shame things cant always work out how we would like them to

OP posts:

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 21:51

notthemessiah i would much prefer a face to face conversation with him about this.
I think when i said something along the lines of "time to step back if youre not feeling feelings too" should have been enough for him to see what i meant. I hope!

I am still secretly hoping that he misses me and comes a calling in the near future. Although im not holding out for it!

Before we started this whole thing properly he had a freak out and vanished for a week. He came back saying he missed me. Then went into great detail about why etc.

OP posts:

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 21:56

Just to complicate things even more ...
I am not even after diving into a relationship right now. I would happily continue this arrangement. Only if we were on the same page. If he sees me having feelings as a problem, then that tells me he doesnt think he will ever develop feelings.

I could explain all of this in person so much better than over text, but im not gonna pester him for that.

OP posts:

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/04/2017 22:03

So much better to have got things out in the open. Good for you.

gaynor83 · 02/04/2017 22:03

You did the best thing by telling him you were getting feelings.

MsPavlichenko · 02/04/2017 22:05

TBH he doesn't sound like any great catch. He was already messing you about before you did the FWB things. I suspect he is a chancer who likes keeping women in a state of perpetual uncertainty. Otherwise he'd have replied right away to your first message , and ended it decently.

FWB can be great, but only if both partners are entirely honest, with no game playing issues. I think you've dodged a bullet here.

Notthemessiah · 02/04/2017 22:10

So you sent him a second text? Sorry - missed that somehow. In which case, ball is definitely in his court but I agree it doesn't sound promising. Hope you're not putting a brave face on and that you really aren't that invested. All the best whatever happens.

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 22:22

mspavlichenko - i agree with you. Thats why i will be able to cut ties so easily. He was flaky. Once we set it up, he wasnt. Only the mixed signals then started.
I told him from the start honesty is needed for it to work, and he had been.

Maybe he wanted me to develop feelings all along and that was what the whole reminding himself it was no strings, wanting to sleep over, telling me he missed me etc. Planting feeling seeds lol.

notthemessiah - thank you. I will get over it. Quite quickly i think. I hope. As i say i am secretly hoping he will come a calling, but i doubt it.
I will continue on my dating experience.

OP posts:

ChocolateDoll · 02/04/2017 23:22

This is a rubbish way to communicate!

Texts are so easily misconstrued. If I was him, I would be totally unsure what you meant by "feelings are a problem."

A problem for you? A problem for him? A problem for everybody and there is no way you're taking things any further?

His response just says to me, whilst at first glance it doesn't seem very positive, that he doesn't bloody understand. If I'd received such a negative message from someone developing 'feelings', I don't think I'd reply with 'oh yay, I've got feelings too' either

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 23:29

It would be a lot easier to have handled if we were dating. With it being a fwb set up, its made it more difficult. We only seen each other for sex.

I see your point though. It was frustrating having to deal with it that way. Id much prefer face to face but he wouldnt. He did say feelings are a problem, so i dont need to know anymore.

OP posts:

DontSayIt · 02/04/2017 23:43

I think it would be honestly weird to have a regular sexual relationship with someone and not develop feelings.

I hate how this whole generation seems to be buying into this Americanised FWB or "having your tubes cleaned" (Matchmaker Millionaire). Its an utter con. I cannot think of anything more cynical. Its not just a question of devaluing sex, which I think it does, it just devalues a whole person. It gives a nice, snappy, modern justification name for being used.

This is not directed at OP btw, who is suffering in all this. Kick him to the kerb. How bloody dare he.

Original poster

Nipplesunited · 02/04/2017 23:47

dontsayit i completely agree with you. It is just a nicer name for using someone. I did take part knowing this. Thinking i could handle it when i clearly couldnt. As soon as i realised this i brought it up.

I thought the whole set up may have been ideal for me, i didnt know unless i tried.
I now know i will never ever put myself in that position again. I didnt feel used, and was fine until i developed feelings.

OP posts:

ohfourfoxache · 03/04/2017 00:20

You definitely did the right thing being honest with him op

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