DH with serious illness

[oneleggedfatbird]

Long one ...Where to start? Our marriage has been a bit rocky right from the beginning but we love each other (I think) and have the two most amazing kids. 2016 was a horrible year for everyone, but I feel like I must have been Hitler in a former life because it was particularly bloody awful for us. First off, in January, DH gets the sack for telling an annoying colleague to fck off (it had been brewing for a while) and he sank into a depression. We argued, shouted, and were generally very unhappy. It got to the point where we just didn't speak to each other and he liked to call me horrible names that he he knew would upset me (on a positive note, I have now taken ownership of cnt so it doesn't bother me so much any more). Roll on to summer, I ask him if he wants to salvage the marriage and if so, we need to go to Relate. He agreed! So in August, we started, things went reasonably ok (or so I thought) and we started getting on better by October. We had a month or so af relative calm then he was diagnosed with a brain tumour at the beginning of December. I thought he'd had a stroke so dragged him to the GP, who referred him to neurologist, who scanned him and found a tennis ball sized lump in his head! We get through Xmas and new year waiting for op date, and finally got one for mid Jan. It was a massive op, bloody awkward position. Histology came back as it being an aggressive cancer, which we weren't expecting, a big shock. The whole episode to this point was unbelievably stressful. He was weirdly oblivious to what was going on. Four days post op, I cracked; he had a go at me for forgetting something. I ran away, I told him I'd had enough. I have a long history of depression and anxiety, and really don't deal well with stress and I just snapped. I wasn't thinking straight and just left. I didn't see him for ten days dying which time, he'd been discharged and was staying with a friend. We slowly started communicating and he came home, but he has told me that he wants to live somewhere else, but we stay married. He is undergoing radiotherapy and I am taking him to the hospital every day, dealing with his meds, and generally nursing him. He has found a flat and is moving out in May. Now, yesterday, he got cross with me because I got irritated at him. But he wouldn't stop badgering me, taking the piss, making sarcastic comments, but I didn't respond, just cried. Because I have tried my best to make up for leaving him, I have really tried to make our marriage work. And he is so angry at me. He called me a c*nt twice, loudly in public and said how dare I leave him. Then he threw his wallet at me. I don't know if I want to stay married to him. He was horrible before all this but it seems to have made him worse. Oh god, what I'm asking is, how long would you stay with someone who abused you in public, when you know that they're I'll. Thanks!

no need to rush into anything op.
seek guidance.

Definitely get counselling for yourself and see if he would agree to some, too. It's important not to be reactive to this situation so that later you feel regret and remorse that you didn't do X or y, just as you now feel guilt over walking out.

Is there space in your home for you to have separate bedrooms and areas you can retreat to for respite? CBT may help take the sting out of some of his comments but I would totally set boundaries of what you will and will not tolerate. Ever. Cunt is an example. I would never, ever tolerate someone calling me that.

As said above, this is not a long term problem and you have a son to consider. There is a lot of support available for people in your position as well as the sick person. I'm not saying you shouldn't split up but I'd strongly advise getting professional help first. Dealing with your stress has to be a priority because he's not going to be high on empathy so self care is a must.

Best wishes that you manage to sort out something that works for you all and doesn't leave a lot of unresolved guilt later on.

OP, I am sorry to be blunt but there is no 'rescuing the marriage', or at least no long term future.

You need to do the right thing by all of you including your DC. I think you have both behaved badly under stress but it isn't too late to get a working grip on the situation.

My sister has 3 brain tumours. She has become so aggressive that she has lost almost all her friends. She is rude to clinical staff and people who try to help. She has a very poor memory so will deny saying what she has said. Thank God for McMillan and Marie Curie who have seen it all before and know how to deal with it. This is not who she was.

I think a PP is right. This isn't going to be an issue for very long. Brain tumours are terrible. Number one killer in under 40s yet receives less than 2% of cancer research funding. Usual treatments only have very limited chance of success. Prognosis is unpredictable. We were told 3-5 years. That wasn't an individual diagnosis- that's the average life expectancy for brain tumour patients. Some live a lot longer, most a lot shorter.

You need support through this. It's horrible for all concerned. It's entirely your decision whether you stay or whether you walk away. Whichever path you take, you have to live with it.

I don't think you are self-centred at all, op - and I think you are taking a lot of unnecessary stick on here, especially taking into account your own history of depression and anxiety, which seems to have been forgotten about by pps.

None of us can know whether his absolutely awful and toxic behaviour has been caused by the tumour, or is just part of his personality, or a mix of the two. The fact is, though, that you have to prioritise your health and needs because if you crack under the strain who is going to look after the dc, and him, and hold everything together?

I would let him move out, and make sure that you are NOT taking on the full burden of looking after him.

Don't blame yourself - this situation is not your fault.

What Naice said above. You will need to be able to look after the children, too. So you must be capable of doing that, even if that means getting others to take on his care.

I agree think of it as a situation and get angry at that not at yourself. It is a terrible situation for anyone to deal with.

In the book i read the brain tumour surgeons did say they talked about what they'd do if they got such a tumour and they would commit suicide. Not being negative but just that's how bad it is.

and what about hospice care. they do a hospice at home thing perhaps

and what about hospice care

That's not usually an ongoing option at this stage. Hospices are really for end of life or respite care. The OP's DH seems to be quite far off that stage at the moment. There will be a care package but it's unlikely to involve much more than weekly checks between medical appointments.

In my experience, there is a lot of physical support available. We've had rails put in and a bathroom converted to a wet room all at the recommendation of the OT. A physio does home visits to help retain mobility. There isn't a lot of help with the psychological damage caused by brain tumours, or just the emotional burden of living with a deteriorating life limiting illness.

He's going to have one day a week at a hospice (5 hours). We are already sleeping in separate bedrooms, so my snoring doesn't disturb him. He's exhausted from the radiotherapy and doesn't need my nocturnal snorting keeping him awake. I am walking on eggshells trying to do the right thing. His moving out is a good idea. I'll get more quality time with the kids, and he can have things exactly as he likes them without the inevitable Lego under foot. I can go back to work, and life will go on as it always does. I'm not going to bring up the cunt incident, just going to (try) and let it go. The counselling will help. Thank you everyone, your input has (mostly) been positive and helpful x

Oh OP you must be under so much pressure and stress.

Let him move out but stay married. Staying married will help deal with his affairs and give you the power to make care decisions for him when he is unable to.

Your dcs don't need to see him being ill and cruel to you no matter what the cause. Let them preserve the memories of their df being well as best they can.

If you can't manage to do his cleaning etc speak to macmillan about whether he can access any care services. What about his family? Can they help?

And definitely take care of your own mental health too xx

How's it going today, op?

Not too bad thank you- we have called a truce and he is looking forward to the move. I'm not sure if he remembers any of the details of Friday's incident but I'm just going to leave it and hope it doesn't happen again. X

Glad to hear that he is looking forward to moving out and that you've called a truce. Don't forget to protect yourself though, and be kind to yourself.

I'm not a medical expert and can't say whether his behaviour is down to the tumour or not.

What I will say I look after yourself op I can't imagine what you're going through but you need to do what you need to do to stay strong. Stop worrying about being self-centred.

On a lighter-note, you haven't taken ownership of the word cunt unless you can type it here. Go on, in your very next post type CUNT in huge capital letters. Then the next time you're in the house in your own shout it, as loud as you can, as many times as you want. Even if it makes you laugh for 5 minutes!

That's a lovely post @RestlessTraveller

I think we all feel better for a good cathartic CUUUUUUNNNNTTTTT every now and then!

Op, so sorry to hear you are all going through this. I too have read that brain tumours can cause severe personality and behaviour changes - it is the physical impact on the brain and can be entirely involuntary - afaik it's not really a question of 'choosing' to behave in this way. Though I am not an expert.

Anyway, the reason I am posting is for another reason which seems trite but is worth mentioning to your dh - does he want to give someone a lasting power of attorney so that they can manage his affairs once he no longer can? (I second other pp that things can be very unpredictable and this may be sooner than the docs' prognosis suggests). If so he could see a solicitor and discuss who would be a good person to take this on - you, or a parent or sibling if he has one, or the friend perhaps? That is assuming that he still has capacity to do this - and that is something also for him to discuss with the solicitor and his doc.

AAaaaaAaaa CUNTY BOLLOCKS TIT WANK .... Ooh that's grand!!
Thank you 😀
Numbers, I already have LPA, sorted it as soon as he got his diagnosis. He's always been a bit shit with money, but it was mainly for end of life care- he doesn't want strangers making decisions for him. Even though atm, he's going a bit odd about finances! I can't keep up with his odd thought processes, so I'm going to just try and let it all wash over me, and just smile and nod! Radiotherapy finishes next Wednesday, he will have had 33 sessions, and will apparently start feeling really rubbish. MacMillan have offered a carer type person for him when he moves into his flat. He still hasn't told the kids yet....

Didn't want to read and run. I just want to say I can't believe how hard it must be for you. It is such an incredibly stressful time and you are going through enough regarding your mental illness already.
I really hope you keep posting here. I think BOTH writing it all down and talking to us here will help you on this hard hard journey.

Round of applause for oneleggedfatbird!

Bonus points for 'titwank' by the way!

Neither of you is covered in glory here. Both of you are ill.

Hopefully you'll get appropriate support from support services to manage your husband's illness and the effect it has on you all. You're all going to need it, big time.

Tho do please please ignore the abuser bating crowd, the one -size -fits -all b+w brigade. This guy has a terminal brain tumour ffs and yet still they wheel out their shrill script. Your situation is far more nuanced than that.

What you're facing will be of relatively short duration - I'm so sorry. You will hopefully get top notch support to get through it intact.

Let the past, and the mistakes, go. You've enough on your plate in the coming months.

That is a spectacularly unhelpful post, springydaffs.

There is no "abuser baiting crowd" on here that I have seen, just people trying to help someone who is going through an extremely difficult time. To tell her that she hasn't "covered herself in glory" when just getting through the days is probably an achievement... words fail me.

Get over yourself naice. I am a survivor of serious domestic and childhood abuse; and I have also, as it happens, recently had cancer. There is a very shrill crowd on here that jumps on the "abuser!" bandwagon. It is this voice on here, this thread, I find particularly unhelpful.

I also had ppl disappear once my cancer dx was confirmed. It is a crushingly bad time to be abandoned. However, op is also ill, hence her flight, tho this will be small comfort for a suppose who is terminal with a very frightening road ahead.

So with cunt and abandonment, neither has covered themselves in glory here, perhaps bcs neither is well.