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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Found a vibrator...

64 replies

BigBrownSofa123 · 01/04/2017 15:42

It's a bit of a WWYD one.
Dh works away a lot but is back home at the moment. I went to get something out of his suitcase last night and found a brand new vibrator.
He has come home a couple of times previously with toys so this discovery wasn't a big shock. The thing that has got me wondering though is that it is a very different style to what I've said I like to use, also that we had sex last night (after my discovery) and used my vibe but he didn't mention the new one at all.

So what do I do? I feel I have 2 options. Either keep quiet and wait to see if I notice anything else dodgy, see if it disappears etc.
Or come out and ask him about it. I'm not entirely convinced I would get the truth out of him if he did have something to hide though.

Not even really sure why I'm posting...

OP posts:
HeavenlyEyes · 01/04/2017 18:52

used to lie but hasn't for 6 years - erm, how do you know?

SandyY2K · 01/04/2017 19:33

Sandy! I'm not sure id dare do that!

Well at least if he gave it to you, you'd know and wash it first. If he's using it with another woman, then that serves her right. And he wouldn't dare tell you about it would he.

used to lie but hasn't for 6 years - erm, how do you know?

Not that you know of, is what the OP means I suspect.

I often wonder when people say "just ask". If it's for use with an OW, do posters really expect a man in this position would say so. It's very naive to show your hand when suspicious, as it just leads to make the person hide any dodgy dealings and you won't find out. Although I truly think that some people rather live in the ignorance being bliss camp.

Charlie97 · 02/04/2017 11:37

Do come back and update us when the time is right!

sucue · 02/04/2017 11:48

StartledByHisFurryShorts Your NN coupled with your post has really made me smile this morning.

NancyWake · 02/04/2017 12:31

I agree you should just keep quite for the moment and keep and eye on him.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 02/04/2017 12:33

Have you got a special day /bday coming up soon??

Original poster
BigBrownSofa123 · 02/04/2017 12:53

Nothing special coming up. It's still in the same place where I found it and nothing has been said.

There's still a chance he's just forgotten about it. Will find out tonight probably as he'll have to pack for work.

OP posts:
StartledByHisFurryShorts · 02/04/2017 13:55

Sucue, Your NN coupled with your post has really made me smile this morning

Ha ha. My name is from one of the sequels to Louise Rennison's "Angus, thongs and full-frontal snogging". So totally PG.

Hope you get an answer soon, OP.

slothlover · 02/04/2017 19:28

if it was in my hubbys bag I would be a bit Confused
Hopefully you get some answers soon x

Original poster
BigBrownSofa123 · 03/04/2017 06:55

Well last night came and went without any mention of it, but I am now starting to feel really suspicious.
We had sex again and he'd laid out something lacy that he wanted me to wear. I was so hoping to see the vibrator laying there too, but there was nothing.

So I'm not sure what to do next really Confused

OP posts:
Nancy91 · 03/04/2017 07:08

Tell him you are a little bored of the vibrator you've got and you're going to buy a new one. If the new one doesn't make an appearance after you've said that, then it's dodgy.

He probably bought it for you and just can't be bothered to take it out of the packaging and put batteries in it!

MumBod · 03/04/2017 07:23

Just ask him!

'I found a vibrator that is not the type I like. It's made me feel very anxious - possibly because you have form for lying in the past and that's made me trust you a bit less than I would normally. I'm worried it's for someone else.'

That's what I'd say, anyway.

JustSpeakSense · 03/04/2017 07:48

I'd quietly wait and see how this plays out if I was you 🤔

AutumnEve · 03/04/2017 08:39

I agree with JustSpeak

Sciurus83 · 03/04/2017 08:51

Just ask him. You will send yourself mad thinking the worst otherwise when it could be nothing. If he is lying it will be easier for you tell if its to your face than second guessing. Most likely it's a free gift or for him, put your mind at rest Flowers

ohforfoxsake · 03/04/2017 09:02

I would keep quiet and wait and see.

In my experience these things come out eventually and it's better to be aware and have some facts if you are going to ask him so either he can't minimise (it's for you) or you look like a suspicious fool because you've made a mistake.

Original poster
BigBrownSofa123 · 03/04/2017 09:05

I would ask but there is something that is making me want to hold back. It's so unlike him not to want to get it out immediately.

If I ask and he is lying then all I'll have to go off is a quick reaction and then he'll be on alert.

I feel a bit shit about it today Sad thought he would mention it this weekend.

OP posts:
floatingfrog · 03/04/2017 09:14

Maybe he is staggering the presents to warm you up if things have been a bit slow in the bedroom recently. If he just pulled out the vibrator it might put you off. I think the lacey underwear is a positive move imo and I would feel less worried.

Original poster
BigBrownSofa123 · 03/04/2017 09:40

Sorry, I should have said the lace thing was something I already own.

OP posts:
Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 03/04/2017 09:43

What does his week ahead hold? Any 'meetings', late nights at work? Drinks after work? You need to get your detective head on op!!

xStefx · 03/04/2017 09:48

Hmm, OK I have a little plan that could work?

When he comes home have the laptop/ ipad open onto anne summers. Tell him your looking for some new sex toys, see if that jogs his memory and he produces the Vibrator?

If he doesn't then I would say id be suspicious, maybe put him on the spot then.
Surely though, if he unpacks his suitcase, he would have hidden it if it were for anyone else? x

Original poster
BigBrownSofa123 · 03/04/2017 09:54

He works away pretty much all week so would have plenty of opportunities to cheat if he wanted to. God knows how I'd go about catchin him if that is the case.

I might try suggesting I get another vibe you know. It's worth a try I suppose.

OP posts:
CalmItKermitt · 03/04/2017 10:07

Hmm. Dodgy.

Miffedmuch · 03/04/2017 10:23

Did you take a pic of it for evidence?

I'd say nothing yet. See how things develop when he returns.

"Just asking", will lead to gaslighting.

ohforfoxsake · 03/04/2017 10:28

You can return sex toys. Lovehoney have a very good returns policy. Maybe he has just decided against it?

The problem with confronting him is that it leaves you open to accusation: going through his stuff/not trusting him etc. In these situations the tables can be turned so you become the persecutor and he the victim.

Have a search on here and look for 'The Script' it'll be in relationships somewhere. You'll recognise any dodgy behaviour.

If you bide your time, keep your eyes open, you may well discover you have nothing to worry about. Or you may discover you do.

Neither option is great, but if he can gaslight you, rewrite history, make you the persecutor, make you doubt yourself and your sanity, it's best IMHO to strengthen yourself against it,

Yes, I am projecting and using my own experience so I do apologise if I'm off the mark here.