Bf went out without telling me and didn't message until 3 a.m!

[Yorkshirebornandbred]

Is anyone still up? I can't sleep and feel so sad. Last few weeks have been rubbish, huge relationship problems on top of lots of other problems. Tonight my boyfriend went out without warning - we usually keep each other informed of our intentions. I sat waiting for him for hours. We spend most evenings together. He texted me at 9.30 to say he's at a friends, he'd text when he got home then I didn't hear anything until nearly 3 when he texted to say he'd drunk far too much. He doesn't usually drink. I'm so upset. My ex did this .. disappeared all night without telling me where he was and I've spent far too many nights waiting and crying. I can't do that again .. and yet I love this man so much. I'm insecure and very depressed anyway. I just can't cope with this as well. I've messaged him (far too much) and he's not replying, either his phone is off or he's asleep. . But not at home. Sorry for the rant .. I'm beside myself and just need distracting or someone to put it in perspective. It's not ok is it? He doesn't normally do this ...

He texted me at 9.30 to say he's at a friends, he'd text when he got home

So he actually texted before he got home? To let you know what was going on.

I find it odd how you're more hurt that he hasn't text you every 5 minutes than you are worried that he's been out drinking with a liver problem...

The bloke went out with a mate. He texted twice during the evening. Exactly what 'thoughtless mistake' did he make?
I wonder what you response would be if the OP was a man.

He has done something which according to the OP is out of character that has hurt her. If he is a kind person, who doesn't want to hurt his girlfriend, but it happened because he was visited unexpectedly by a friend, started drinking and then went out because he wasn't used to it, I would classify that as a mistake.

Clearly that is a purely fictional conjecture, but my point was, he has hurt his girlfriend. He might have done that by mistake, or he might be someone who doesn't care as much as she thinks he does.

I am not trying to judge whether his actions were normal or not. Obviously, in most relationships, his actions would be completely normal. But each relationship has its own 'normal' which depends upon the two people involved. From what the OP says, his actions here are not part of their normal.

I answered as I did because I think the OP might be in danger of over-reacting, and thus push him in exactly the direction she doesn't want him to go.

She mentions there have been problems lately. This needs to be addressed calmly. If he is feeling oppressed, then it is better that is discussed than that she pressures more and he begins to behave in ways that hurt her. They both need to consider what their relationship expectations are, and whether they are compatible.

I'm not sure how you found any sexism in my post. If you would clarify exactly what you felt was implied that would require a different approach, then perhaps I can explain my thinking.

Oh man this is depressing to read. Op its perfectly normal for him or you for that matter to be able to go out with friends ( or anywhere he bloody wants) without having to check in with you all night. If I was this guy I would run a mile. This is such an unhealthy relationship. You are both going to end up very lonely if you wont let the other have a life

I think I understand this

In your mind, you thought it was just another night you'd be spending together. But he text at 9.30 that he was out with his friends and then at 3.30am to say he was too drunk.

Welcome to my world! Me and my DP are in a long distance relationship and plan nights where we will FaceTime when we both don't have other commitments and the amount of times she disappears as she's in the pub after work and I get these kind of messages is unreal. But it's just her, that's the person she is and I love her lots. We do text each other a lot, probably what others would consider a massive amount but that's normal for us and part of us dealing with long distance.

What are your relationship problems you've been having? Is it something to do with this kind of thing? Because your relationship sounds stifling - to an outsider. You expect your partner to spend every second either in contact or with you, with no friends or family or outside contact. Can't you see that's not feasible? It's very rare you'd find two people who just want that. You need actual help, both of you, for your anxiety and codependency because one day he'll get fed up. The signs are already there that he needs you less than you need him (the meeting friends proves that) so what are you going to do when he gets fed up of the situation and leaves?

As much as you don't want to hear it OP, I agree with PP that the relationship sounds incredibly claustrophobic and not sustainable long term. I know you're saying this works for you both, but given you've said you're having huge issues in your relationship perhaps it's time to take a step back and look at why you both need to be in constant contact and why you suddenly tailspin if he breaks from your usual schedule?

I think with you saying you had depression that's why this situation has magnified.
I think that's clouding your judgement ..
You can't keep thing because your ex did this that and the other that your new bf will do the same.

Life shouldn't be this complicated, it really shouldn't. He text you he was out with friends. That should be enough.
Be careful, if you like him as your actions & neediness would drive a lot of people away

Are you ok op? I hope you have some rl support. It can't be fun to feel so insecure.

Hope he's returned safe and sound OP.

Also wonderimg if he is home/

Thanks for the replies. He got home at 11 a.m.

I know what you're all saying .. I was too upset last night to take it on board.

It was in fact him that specified he would like me to keep in touch when out as I go out more than he does (he suffers with anxiety). I expected him to act the same way that's all. Plus he's started drinking which isn't good for his liver .. but yes of course he's an adult and can look after himself.

We've both had a crap time recently.

We might as well live together as we spend every evening together. I only have my own place because of dd.

I appreciate it's not what everyone wants but our relationship suits us and usually it all goes smoothly.

I apologised for overreacting and he apologised saying he knew it was well out of line.

Thanks again. I don't really know what I wanted from the thread ... I was upset and alone and needed to talk I think.

Glad things were better today OP.

It's not claustrophobic. . We're both insecure and it helps us both and suits us both.

It might suit you, but it isn't helping either of you. You are pandering to anxious, intrusive thoughts, which only reinforces those thoughts.

FWIW if a group of guys are out and one is seemingly having to check in regularly with their OH the chances are that the mickey would be taken, mercilessly. If he's a generally anxious person then that may well be a situation he would want to avoid and he may not be comfortable admitting that to you.

Ok, Yorkshire, with the greatest of respect...your relationship sounds suffocating at best, on BOTH sides. You cannot go a few hours without a text, if neither of you text for a while, you are chasing the other...that isn't normal or functional, as you are finding out!

I was dating my now dh at a time when there was no such thing as a mobile phone. During this time we lived apart, and then together. We survived! While living apart it was the norm for us to not know what the other was doing. I'd ring him, and was told he was out, and that was that!

You just do not need to know what the other person is up to 24/7! And constantly texting at work is meaning that he is distracted, and not doing his job!

Also, this really IS NOT helping the insecurity aspect, is it? You think it is, but really, when he goes out last minute you are panicking that he isn't texting you! The lack of contact feeds your insecurity because you rely on him being in contact constantly!

He text to say he was out, and that should have been the end of it. No need to text to say he is home, you are not his keeper. You should have just spent the evening doing your own thing, gone to bed, and in the morning sent him a "good morning" text!

The claustrophobicness of your relationship works for you both because of your depression and his anxiety until it doesn't. And this is a moment for him when it didn't, I'm guessing he didn't want his reckless behaviour challenged so he temporarily went incommunicado.

Either constant contact is something you both do or it isn't, he doesn't get to choose when it suits him.

I personally think you're both storing up future problems with your current relationship dynamic and this could be a perfect opportunity, to discuss and negotiate changes that will help your relationship long term.

Yorkshire - why did your DP think he was out of line?

Maybe I'm quite laid back but this wouldn't bother me. He's your partner, not your property.

My bf goes out with his friends and I don't messsage him at all, and it can sometimes be all weekend. It doesn't bother me, I don't sit about wondering what he's doing, I don't message at all and never have. I just get on with it.

You need to let him do him, being clingy and texting all the time will drive him up the wall. You need to show independence and that your world doesn't revolve around him.

Maybe he just wanted some space ('lad time') haha. Try not to worry! Dont give the satisfaction. He probably got drunk with the lads and passed out on the couch chick! (Typical bloke lol). If hes not usually a drinker maybe theres something emotionally wrong and he just needed a break! Give him space and dont message him, let him come to you and just ask whats on his mind and explain how you feel and demand to be taken on a nice cheeky date! :)