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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Bf went out without telling me and didn't message until 3 a.m!

70 replies

Yorkshirebornandbred · 01/04/2017 04:31

Is anyone still up? I can't sleep and feel so sad. Last few weeks have been rubbish, huge relationship problems on top of lots of other problems. Tonight my boyfriend went out without warning - we usually keep each other informed of our intentions. I sat waiting for him for hours. We spend most evenings together. He texted me at 9.30 to say he's at a friends, he'd text when he got home then I didn't hear anything until nearly 3 when he texted to say he'd drunk far too much. He doesn't usually drink. I'm so upset. My ex did this .. disappeared all night without telling me where he was and I've spent far too many nights waiting and crying. I can't do that again .. and yet I love this man so much. I'm insecure and very depressed anyway. I just can't cope with this as well. I've messaged him (far too much) and he's not replying, either his phone is off or he's asleep. . But not at home. Sorry for the rant .. I'm beside myself and just need distracting or someone to put it in perspective. It's not ok is it? He doesn't normally do this ...

OP posts:
heron98 · 01/04/2017 07:28

So you don't live together, you have no kids and he was out with his mates? I'm sorry, but I fail to see the problem here.

DH and I would (who do live together) would let each other know if we were going out but certainly wouldn't contact each other whilst out or say when we were going to be back.

I think that you are turning a mountain into a molehill.

Underthemoonlight · 01/04/2017 07:33

I agree with heron he's not answerable to you, it's clear you both having problems in the relationship and he needed a break from you with his mates which there's nothing wrong with.

That's not how a normal relationship happens between a couple who don't live together or have commitments such as children together

GahBuggerit · 01/04/2017 07:45

How long have you been together?

Nomoreworkathome · 01/04/2017 08:00

You say you wanted some perspective which people gave you and you then rejected outright.
Sorry but you sound like very hard work and may benefit from some sort intervention to explore the reasons why you are freaking out because your BF has gone out not been texting you enough. He is an adult and you are not his mother.

TheOnlyLivingBoyInNewCross · 01/04/2017 08:09

I don't understand what you want from this thread - unless it's for everyone to agree that he is being a TERRIBLE boyfriend by going out with his friends for a drink Confused

You sound like massively hard work, tbf, but since you don't want to hear that and are sure that everything in your relationship is rosy and not claustrophobic, why post?

Desperateforsleepzzzz · 01/04/2017 08:11

🤔 urm let the man breathe. Do you not trust him? This behaviour would drive me mad he let you know he was out surely just a - have a nice evening text would be enough. You sound quite controlling

iamavodkadrinker · 01/04/2017 08:12

I'm struggling to see what he's done wrong tbh.

TheWeeBabySeamus1 · 01/04/2017 08:15

If he lived with you I could understand you being upset, it's just basic manners to tell the person you live with that you're going out. But you don't live together, and he's done absolutely nothing wrong.

ImsorryTommy · 01/04/2017 08:18

Why post if you don't want to hear people's opinions?

SparklyMagpie · 01/04/2017 08:26

I'd go out if I was in this relationship. Sounds a nightmare

NerrSnerr · 01/04/2017 08:31

I can see how this is difficult for you but I think you're both settling yourselves up to fail. The ligh level of texting is just sometimes not sustainable when life gets in the way. He did text you earlier in the evening and maybe he just got carried away having a good night with his friend or maybe his friend needed support in some way and your boyfriend wanted to give his undivided attention.

I would worry that one evening of less contact causes you so much upset and would try and get to the bottom of that. Whether it's trust issues, worried you're not in the forefront of his mind etc.

Trustyourself2 · 01/04/2017 08:36

Your anxiety is understandable, as this is out of character for him and your relationship's very close. How long have you been together?

As things between you have been difficult recently, DP might just be reacting to that. Have a chat with him, when he's back and see what's bothering him. Don't put it off, as you'll drive yourself crazy with more worry.

Hope you managed to get some sleep last night.

LostSight · 01/04/2017 08:37

If it isn't normal for you and him and it has upset you, then I think it is as simple as trying to keep yourself as calm as you can. Give him a bit of time to recover (if he has liver problems, he will feel rotten).

At a time when you are both calm, explain to him that you were worried and felt as of he acted in a way that was out of character. Ask him what happened.

Try to find out if this is something he did in reaction to something in your relationship or whether something just came up, and he misjudged how it would make you feel and then had his thinking skewed by alcohol.

I think how you handle this could be very important in how your relationship goes forward.

If he's generally a kind person, and you outline how it made you feel, then he will hopefully take that on board and try not to do it again.

If he's actually not so kind and despite your explanation, he starts to do this regularly, then you are seeing the real him and (sadly) he might not be the one for you.

If you fail to calm yourself and use anger and guilt to try and control his future behaviour, there's a risk he will comply unwillingly for now, but resentment will begin to build.

Try not to let your past relationship experiences impact this one. This is not your ex. This is your boyfriend who may have made a thoughtless mistake because he didn't fully appreciate how it would affect you. I'm not sure how long you've been together, but if up until now there have been no red flags, then try to give him the benefit of the doubt. How things progress will then allow you to judge. Everyone makes mistakes now and then.

Good luck.

Nomoreworkathome · 01/04/2017 08:45

This is your boyfriend who may have made a thoughtless mistake
Everyone makes mistakes now and then.

The bloke went out with a mate. He texted twice during the evening. Exactly what 'thoughtless mistake' did he make?
I wonder what you response would be if the OP was a man.

JangleJem · 01/04/2017 08:53

Maybe your "huge relationship problems" stem from your insecurity. Does he go along with the texting constantly simply to reassure you and for a quiet life?
I feel sorry for him. It's very very hard to be in a relationship with someone who makes such demands.
I hope you find some peace today and can discuss this with him without it escalating. I know so well how these things can get completely out of proportion.

JangleJem · 01/04/2017 08:54

Gosh, LostSight said it all beautifully.

pigeondujour · 01/04/2017 08:59

I don't really care whether it's claustrophobic for you, it suits us both. He texts me constantly.

Without sounding too harsh, it clearly doesn't suit him, and why would it?

OnionKnight · 01/04/2017 09:03

I'm honestly struggling to see what he has done wrong, the relationship sounds very stifling.

sooperdooper · 01/04/2017 09:06

I think you should take notice of the posters saying his behaviour is actually quite normal in the grand scheme of things and use that to figure out the issues in your relationship

He's really done nothing wrong, going out with mate for a drink is allowed! He text you to say he's back, I assume at friends but really - I can't see what he's done that's so wrong?

I understand you being disappointed if you usually spend the evening together but everyone needs a night out with their mates too

Parker231 · 01/04/2017 09:07

Sounds like he needs some space and freedom to see his friends. Why do you need to text each other constantly? When I'm out I'll probably text DH once saying something like -' having a good time, don't wait up, I'll be home very late'

EweAreHere · 01/04/2017 09:16

Maybe he's realized your relationship is unhealthy in its current state.

You make you both sound needy and hyper-dependent, which isn't healthy. Maybe he doesn't want to live like that any more and you're not listening?

Hellmouth · 01/04/2017 09:25

I think you should consider dealing with your insecurity and co-dependency through more professional means. Your relationship does not sound healthy to me; you both need time and space to meet up with friends; to me, it's weird to spend pretty much every evening with someone you don't live with or have kids with. There is nothing wrong with him having a night out, you really need to chill.

sucue · 01/04/2017 09:39

Well we don't know what the huge relationship problems are that you've been having but I assume it may have resulted in him going awol.

Hopefully you'll sort this all out today when things calm down, I'd let his hangover subside a bit first though. Good luck.x.

Gracey1231 · 01/04/2017 09:41

I'd calm down before you speak to him or see him because if you say anything full of emotion, it'll all boil down to the fact he's been on a night out and not text you

Isetan · 01/04/2017 09:44

The issue for you is that you think that your individual insecurities are what makes you compatible but if anything, this demonstrates that you might be wrong. He's either set up an unrealistic expectation to constantly remain in contact or, he thinks that ultimately staying in constant contact is an option for him and a priority for you to exercise.

Talk to him to find if he thinks constant contact is unrealistic, or if he's a selfish twat who believes double standards apply. If it's the latter, dump him and if it's the former, negotiate. It's very strange and probably speaks a lot of your relationship dynamic, that him not constantly being in contact is of the greater concern over him drinking while having issues with his liver.

There's a thin line between being understanding of someone's insecurities and pandering to them.

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