Husband on a dating site

[Bluebellforest1]

Hi, I'm a long time lurker, never posted before.
I'm 61, husband same age, been married 11 years, together for 17, second time round for us both.
Last night, we watched TV, chatted, normal evening really. I was knackered and went to bed at 10pm, slept until 5am when he came to bed, saying he'd fallen asleep downstairs. He's done this before (and so have I) but never so late.
I got up to let the dog out at 6, sat downstairs with a cup of tea, don't know what made me look but I checked his iPad. He'd registered (and paid) on an online dating site at 2am and been online until 5am when he came to bed.
He didn't wake up till after 10am, and was very "off" with me, avoided conversation and obviously didn't want to be in the same room as me. I went out for the afternoon.
This evening it's all fine, chatting away. I've not confronted him, my gut reaction is to keep quiet for now, but get my ducks in a row.
To be honest, I'd be perfectly happy if he went off with someone else, poor cow that she'd be.
Just wondering WWYD

Oh great. That's just what the OLD community needs. Another smelly grumpy porn-using geezer lying about being single.

"Another smelly grumpy porn-using geezer lying about being single". - lol 😂

Dadaist "he's looking at his realistic options" ? Wtf? What is realistic about looking at porn/dating sites? It's fantasy not reality. And I assume he has a profile - he's paid for it!
Bubbling up sadly he found me online 17 years ago, I'm happy to donate him to the next sucker

Yeh, just what OLD needs! a married smelly grumpy man!

He hasn't said he wants to split up with you? so he probably can't be bothered actually splitting up, he just wants to waste women's time!

probably right there Venchi!

What is realistic about looking at porn/dating sites?

Eh, it's realistic to have a wank, and to attempt to date someone else.

It's not very nice, he should break up with you first, but it's not a fantasy.

It doesn't sound as if you like him, let alone love him, so just pull the plug.

Are you actually planning on leaving him OP?

I actually think there's something very strange about what you're doing. You don't love him anymore - you think he's grubby and you don't want to be with him anymore. But you're going to spy on him and use information against him because he's betraying you? Not much of a betrayal if you can't stand the man. It's a bit odd.

Are you gathering information so you can take him for everything he's worse, claiming you were in a happy relationship that he destroyed with cheating? Because that wouldn't be a true reflection of what is actually happening.

(By the way I'm not saying the OP's husband is a saint because he clearly isn't. But it's not a loving, happy wife having her world torn apart by cheating, either).

everything he's WORTH, not worse. Sorry.

Being in what you thought was a relatively happy relationship and then being betrayed doesn't give any woman more traction in taking him "for everything he's worth"! For all you (or I) know, the OP could be the one who had much greater wealth going into this marriage.

Finding out my husband was trawling the internet for prospective partners/shags would prompt me into knowing precisely what the financial position would be upon separation. That's not underhand: that's being realistic and sensibly prepared.

Which of course is absolutely fine. And I agree, it's not remotely underhanded to do that. Just so long as the OP is not planning to present her position as being totally and utterly in love and happy with the husband, and then heartbroken and bereft upon finding out about the cheating. Because that would be untrue.

Also OP is gathering information on the cheating isn't she which isn't about finances unless OP is planning to use the cheating as a way of getting more in the eventual divorce settlement, which is what I personally think is dodgy ground. Because the marriage is already broken down without the cheating - OP and husband clearly BOTH unhappy even without it.

I never suggested that I was going to use information gathered against him, or take him to the cleaners financially.
I'm not planning to leave him at the moment, but if I find out that he is off shagging then I will. I am making sure that if or when that happens, I know where I stand financially.

Grim

showmepotatosalad You don't get more money because your ex is a wanker (literally, figuratively or not). In the U.K. we have a no fault divorce system.

OP seems to me to be brilliantly calm, cool-headed and dignified in the circs.

Running thanks for clarifying

OP thanks for taking what I said so well. I do agree with other PPs that you are very calm and dignified which is admirable.

I think it was the description of him in terms that seem to suggest you are already deeply unhappy with him. And you aren't planning to leave him but you're talking in terms of the next woman who gets him is a lucky lady etc.

I suspect that there is a significant back story which the OP may or may not want to share here. Keep your chin up OP and stay cool, calm and dignified. Take time to decide what is right for you.

Well I'm with you!! I personally think a frisson of 'f* you' can be remarkably healing in these circumstances, especially if you aren't that fussed.

Thank you white!
Esoteric, yes the f* you element is very helpful.

I don't love him, but had no intention of leaving, certainly in the short term, for various reasons, mainly financial for both of us. However I was shocked by him looking at porn sites, especially as he has derided an ex boss who was caught looking at porn at work, and told me that he thought it disgusting.

So now, not only do I not love him, but I don't respect or trust him. I wonder if this is a one-off or if it's been going on for a while?
Cool, calm and dignified, that's me.

I'm not quite sure it's dignified remaining in a marriage to a man you don't love for mainly financial reasons. Do you not think that you both deserve happiness OP? I don't mean that horribly - just that it's really sad that you feel that you need to stay with a man who you feel contempt for just for money.

In some cases it's called self preservation and we don't know the OPs position, my mum squirrelled money away for a good while before she left my cheating dad

It's a shame for both of you to be honest. I can't imagine being in a relationship with someone who doesn't love, trust or respect me. Enough to find me disgusting, or enough to cheat. I feel sympathetic to you both.

There are many, many reasons why someone decides to stay in a relationship, self preservation, however that may look, being one of them. I can very well imagine being in a relationship where the partner doesn't respect me. My mum also squirrelled money away for a number of years before she could leave my (also cheating) father.
Sympathy for a porn watching, OLD man with poor hygiene, I do not have.