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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is my boyfriend emotionally abusive...

117 replies

isthisevennormal · 30/03/2017 22:03

or am I genuinely causing his reactions and over reacting?

I don't know where to start really. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a number of years and I think he may be emotionally abusive. Stupidly, my friends have been mentioning it from time to time for the past yer and a half but I thought they might just be over reacting but I looked the other day to find out the criteria for an emotional abuser and he fits almost every point. He controls what I do, he looks through my phone in what he now likes to call his 'weekly checks,' he says some disgusting stuff when he gets angry (fat, ugly, slag, c*nt, disgrace etc) and the list goes on.

I see how, if that was my friends relationship, I would call it abusive but I genuinely worry that how I've behaved during this relationship makes his behaviour acceptable. Before we were officially together I met up with an ex-fling late at night and he found out and now accuses me (almost 3 years on) of lying to him and saying that we must have had sex or at the very least kissed. I've then danced on a night out with a guy, which I shouldn't have done and I apologised (I know it doesn't make it better) but he still brings that up. I work in a male dominated field and he hates that I have male friends at work and accuses me of fancying them or wanting to sleep with them. The worst thing I did was lie to him about booking a hotel room with one of my friends at work for a conference. He didn't want me sharing the room but both me and her were fine with it and it meant the room was half price essentially. I shouldn't have done it but I felt so guilty and told him the day after and made me message the girl to say I couldn't share.

I just feel like I'm trapped staying with him because I'm not allowed to go see my friends sometimes. He doesn't like my best friend because he thinks she's a slag so he threatened to break up with me if I didn't agree to see her less than once every 2 months. Today I told him I'm going to the pub tomorrow with some of my work colleagues and he told me outright that I'm not allowed to go and he wouldn't come visit me if I didn't say I wouldn't go. I held strong for a few hours demanding a reason for why I couldn't go and what was so wrong about it and he couldn't give me an answer but I caved and said I wasn't going but he then got pissy that I said I would go to the gym with the colleagues (1 girl & 2guys.) He called me a 'goddamn slag' because the guys would be there too.

I just don't know if I have a bad moral compass and deserve this or if it's irrational of him and it's abusive?

OP posts:
Original poster
isthisevennormal · 05/04/2017 14:56

Just as an update to you guys:
He did come up in the weekend just gone. He 'let' me go to the pub but I had to leave at 6:20, before he got to mine. I ended up not leaving until 6:30 because the cider I had was very fizzy and I didn't want to get light headed when driving, and, more importantly, I didn't want to go. When I got back before he got to my place, his messages wouldn't com straight through to my phone for some reason so he shouted at me out of the window of his car asking me where the fuck I was. After we finally got into the flat he completely changed and didn't say anything about it. we had a really good weekend.
I found out I have a birthday this coming saturday and decided to use it as a surefire way to see if he is possible of change. My thinking was, if after such a good weekend he would not give me permission to go to a birthday party then he is excessively controlling and will never change and let me do things I want to do. I finally built up the courage to tell him yesterday and he said no. We've argued today because I'm not able to 'reply as fast as the other interns he talks to.' He's so blind to how some companies are different to others.
I've finally told my best friend about most of it and I'm pretty firmly resolved in just getting it over with this weekend. I'm scared and obviously don't want to do it because part of me still believes the person I first met is there but he isn't.

OP posts:
Shoxfordian · 05/04/2017 16:57

Just to add; it is not how it should work that you had a good weekend together so maybe he'll give you permission to go out.

You give you permission to go out.

I hope you do finish it with him; he sounds really controlling and this really isn't how a good relationship works

Dozer · 05/04/2017 17:06

You're not getting it. He is abusive. Niceness sometimes is part of the abuse.

You could well be at risk. Don't tell him you're ending the relationship: do it when you can get your stuff out when he's not around, go somewhere safe, tell him and then cut contact.

Adora10 · 05/04/2017 17:20

God sake OP, no offence but you don't even live together never mind being shackled to him as a wife or having his kids; you know it's abusive, your friends have all told you; it's all about what you are allowed to do, why are you allowing a creep like him to dictate how you live your life; he's always been physically abusive.

HE WON'T CHANGE, IN FACT, THE LONGER YOU STAY WITH THIS COWARD THE MORE HE WILL RAMP IT UP, AS LONG AS YOU ARE LETTING HIM AWAY WITH IT.

Forget talking, forget him changing, ask yourself, if this was your daughter telling you this what would you advice.

Get away from the bully, and spend time on yourself and raise that bar; this is not even remotely a normal healthy relationship.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/04/2017 17:35

It's the nice / nasty cycle of abuse.
They ALL do it.
How else would they reel you in and keep you if they were nasty all the time?
They wouldn't.
Get out and do it fast!
Stop giving this abusive fucker chances to just keep proving he is an abusive controlling asshole!
What did Womens Aid say?
You can't do this without support. Call them now - 0808 2000 247
NOW!!!!!

VeritysWatchTower · 05/04/2017 18:03

DO NOT tell him you are leaving, this is the most dangerous time for you because he realises that he is losing his control of you.

Get out as soon as you can. Get help, ask friends/parents to help you move.

You are not a child and therefore do not need permission for anything. He is not your Dad!

NoShitSherlock101 · 05/04/2017 20:43

OP don't wait till the weekend to tell him. DO NOT tell him in person that you're ending the relationship. Do it by text when he's no where near you and then make sure people around you know so they can keep you safe.

You shouldn't need permission to go out whether you've had a good weekend or a bad weekend.

You are your own person. You are not his property or an extension of him.

He is abusive, he won't change. Get away from him now please. You should be going out enjoying yourself, not worrying about leaving somewhere at a certain time or not going out at all.

Atenco · 05/04/2017 23:43

You know, abusive men do have their nice side, otherwise they'd never get a girlfriend. Very few women get together with someone who is just plain awful. But this man is seriously limiting you. If you tell him to his face that you are splitting, make sure it is in a public place.

Hissy · 06/04/2017 00:03

My love he is top drawer, card carrying, red flag waving abuser.

100%. All day long. Without doubt.

The weekly checks?
The names?

That alone is enough to dump him.

The accusations about things you did before you were with him? I had that too. Total and utter torture for hours/days/weeks

Cut this man dead out of your life.

Today. Don't wait another second to get your freedom back.

Please just make the decision you have to take, don't worry about the fact that it's a decision you don't WANT to take, we're here for you for that, we'll help remind you that you're worth more than this.

Please lean on us? Dump him now and we're here to catch you.

Hissy · 06/04/2017 00:04

Abusers USE nice, in the same way they manufacture and USE anger.

To get what THEY want.

Hissy · 06/04/2017 00:07

Text him now. Get it done

"I'm sorry, it's not going to work out, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Let's leave it there. All the best to you."

notapizzaeater · 06/04/2017 00:08

He's totally controlling you, you're asking permission for everything - you need to get out

SparklyMagpie · 06/04/2017 00:30

You need to get out of it this and end it OP
This is not healthy !
Don't believe another word he says
Phone women's aid and keep phoning till they pick up for advice
You need to get out of this relationship an quick!

wantsomecoffee · 06/04/2017 00:58

end the relationship, go to ur friends for support and find professional advice. you could get a restraining order if ur worried he will come find u and convince u to stay. sounds dramatic and will obviously upset u but its what is best. you deserve better

newdaylight · 06/04/2017 03:51

I posted earlier after your original message, part of it being about how it will be hard to separate because of the feelings you have for him and of course he will be nice to you as well as controlling.

What you're experiencing is domestic abuse. What some of the pps have said is true - the most dangerous time for a person in an abusive relationship is the ending of it. This isn't just something people day, it's shown time and time again in research.

Because he would be losing control, everything he's tried to build will be falling apart as you show your own independence.

If he only hits you rarely is because you know what to do to not cross the line and he doesn't have to resort to physical or even sexual violence to control you. Separating would cross that line for him and his actions will be really unpredictable.

That's why it's so important you get advice from Womans Aid, tel your friend and maybe your mum to when you're leaving, and do not try and break up with him face to face. Make sure he does not know where you are at the time and call the police as soon as he starts showing up/repeatedly calling/texting/contacting you at work.

punkpuffin · 06/04/2017 04:21

Please leave op. I was in a relationship which destroyed my self confidence 6 years, 1 gorgeous loving husband and 3 kids later and I still sometimes find my confidence crumbling. It will only get worse you need to end it now.

seven201 · 06/04/2017 04:39

You must leave. He'll only get worse, definitely not better. Stay with a friend for a while and definitely don't tell him face to face. Do not let him talk you into meeting up. Be strong.

InTheMoodForLove · 06/04/2017 07:07

I just don't know if I have a bad moral compass and deserve this or if it's irrational of him and it's abusive?

the latter

your only mistake is that you keep discussing with with details of your life that should not be anybody business but yours, iw you have indulged him in his horrid behaviour. Pls understand this is not victim blaming at all, its the flip side of a codependency. You must break it at once. And be very careful of the fall out as it will not be pretty.

It sounds like you don't live together. Thanks god for that. However you must take the same steps as if you were, put support in place and be safe, ready to go no contact.

mydietstartsmonday · 06/04/2017 09:40

FfS you had a nice weekend. Don't be so bloody soft. He is abusive you have to get rid of.you should not let ghim back into your life. He will not change. Wake up and smell the coffee. Sorry to sound so harsh but you need to take control and action. Good luck.

thethoughtfox · 06/04/2017 09:46

Please don't trap yourself by marrying or having a baby with this man. This insane behaviour will only get worse.

Poudrenez · 06/04/2017 10:09

LTB x1000000000000

You can do better than this sad little man.

Millipede170 · 06/04/2017 10:22

"I'm sorry, it's not going to work out, I don't want to be in a relationship with you anymore. Let's leave it there. All the best to you."

Well said Hissy. Firm but not provocative.

OP please please gather yourself, get someone supportive to help you through this, and do it. Absolutely do not turn back. If you go back to him I promise his behaviour will get so much worse and it will be a million times more difficult to get away from him in the future.

Good luck to you. You don't deserve this poison in your life.

DrFoxtrot · 06/04/2017 11:31

It takes time to build the courage to leave OP and I think you have done very well listening to your friends and recognising that this is an abusive relationship. It's the first step.

There is some great advice in the posts above. Get your friends and family behind you and don't look back.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 06/04/2017 11:37

He sounds like my ex... Notice 'ex'.
He was off the charts paranoid and jealous; think checking my mileage every day, making sure I didn't wear matching underwear/thongs/lace during the week as I was obviously doing it to impress someone else, I wasn't allowed to wear make up, I barely looked up on a night out in case he said I was looking at someone, no make up was allowed unless he was there, I couldn't go to my friend's hen party etc etc etc. He used to hurt me too, started small and escalated in a terrifying way.
He'll ruin you. You need to get out.

ExplodedCloud · 06/04/2017 11:47

You still sound like you feel you need a reason to give him to leave and to be nice about it. You don't.
Not being happy is all the reason you need. You owe him nothing.
He surprised you by grabbing your scarf and banging your head off the lift wall. Surprising him with a "You're history" text isn't that bad.
Go somewhere safe after ensuring your locks are changed. Send him a text blandly telling him it's over and you won't be listening to any arguments. Ideally block him.
Live well & do the Freedom program.