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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

is my boyfriend emotionally abusive...

117 replies

isthisevennormal · 30/03/2017 22:03

or am I genuinely causing his reactions and over reacting?

I don't know where to start really. Me and my boyfriend have been together for a number of years and I think he may be emotionally abusive. Stupidly, my friends have been mentioning it from time to time for the past yer and a half but I thought they might just be over reacting but I looked the other day to find out the criteria for an emotional abuser and he fits almost every point. He controls what I do, he looks through my phone in what he now likes to call his 'weekly checks,' he says some disgusting stuff when he gets angry (fat, ugly, slag, c*nt, disgrace etc) and the list goes on.

I see how, if that was my friends relationship, I would call it abusive but I genuinely worry that how I've behaved during this relationship makes his behaviour acceptable. Before we were officially together I met up with an ex-fling late at night and he found out and now accuses me (almost 3 years on) of lying to him and saying that we must have had sex or at the very least kissed. I've then danced on a night out with a guy, which I shouldn't have done and I apologised (I know it doesn't make it better) but he still brings that up. I work in a male dominated field and he hates that I have male friends at work and accuses me of fancying them or wanting to sleep with them. The worst thing I did was lie to him about booking a hotel room with one of my friends at work for a conference. He didn't want me sharing the room but both me and her were fine with it and it meant the room was half price essentially. I shouldn't have done it but I felt so guilty and told him the day after and made me message the girl to say I couldn't share.

I just feel like I'm trapped staying with him because I'm not allowed to go see my friends sometimes. He doesn't like my best friend because he thinks she's a slag so he threatened to break up with me if I didn't agree to see her less than once every 2 months. Today I told him I'm going to the pub tomorrow with some of my work colleagues and he told me outright that I'm not allowed to go and he wouldn't come visit me if I didn't say I wouldn't go. I held strong for a few hours demanding a reason for why I couldn't go and what was so wrong about it and he couldn't give me an answer but I caved and said I wasn't going but he then got pissy that I said I would go to the gym with the colleagues (1 girl & 2guys.) He called me a 'goddamn slag' because the guys would be there too.

I just don't know if I have a bad moral compass and deserve this or if it's irrational of him and it's abusive?

OP posts:
StVincent · 30/03/2017 23:13

I'm trying to imagine what my boyfriend would say if I said I had danced with a man on a night out. "Oh right", probably.

And if I had stayed with a friend in a hotel room to save money? "Good idea. Cup of tea?" I expect. For most normal men neither of those things would be even interesting let alone something to attack you over. I think really you know that?

And notice how he's got you scared that he won't come over, but you say if you broke up he'd be turning up at your door.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 30/03/2017 23:21

You are the sort of woman who's parents get a phone call to go and identify their daughter's body.

He will keep hurting you.

Until one day he doesn't stop. .
Only you can change your future.

Cut contact immediately.

StVincent · 31/03/2017 00:52

Sadly that's really true. But you can get away from him. Do speak to your mum. Do ring Women's Aid, love, and tell them what you've just told us.

You can do it!

LellyMcKelly · 31/03/2017 00:58

Oh my God - - get away from him. He sounds horrendous.

WaegukSaram · 31/03/2017 01:02

He's genuinely scary. So glad you've seen the light. Stay strong. Call the police if there's any sign of violence or aggression.

NancyWake · 31/03/2017 01:24

As emotional abuse goes this is pretty bad OP.

He will make it very difficult to end it, and it sounds like he could be dangerous.

It's good you don't live with him.

Make a plan, alert family and friends of your intentions, get your ducks in a row, and end it by email. Then block him from your email, phone and social media. He will try and contact you and try and pull you back in so it's very important indeed for your own safety that you resist all contact.

If he contacts you at work, at your parents etc - tell him never to contact you again, if he does not stop contact the police.

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2017 06:32

Yeah this is bad. He is definitely abusive.

Speak to your mum and your close friend. I agree with Nancy about blocking him after you've ended it. Don't be drawn into any discussion about why you want to break up and whether your reasons are good enough for him.

Namechanger2015 · 31/03/2017 06:41

He is extremely abusive OP and the fact that you are questioning whether it might be your fault is very, very common. I know because I was the same when I left mine. Somehow he will have twisted your thoughts and destroyed your self-confidence to the point where you don't question his actions but you question yours instead.

Please could you google Gaslighting so you can understand this better. I used to think terms like this were over dramatic and didn't apply to me, so you might feel the same but please take a look and a think.

I would also very much recommend doing the Freedom Programme. It is available online but it's also available (and much more effective I think) if you can attend the real life courses in person.

You can find out more about them here:
freedomprogramme.co.uk/

The courses are based on a book called Living with the Dominator by Pat Craven. You can get a kindle version and read it on a kindle app on your phone if you are worried about him finding it.

It sounds like you are not married and do not live together, please consider that a blessing and escape this man whilst you can.

Namechanger2015 · 31/03/2017 06:42

He will try and contact you and try and pull you back in so it's very important indeed for your own safety that you resist all contact

Totally 100% agree. Don't let him back into your life once you are out. You can do it.

Bohemond · 31/03/2017 06:50

Make a plan, alert family and friends of your intentions, get your ducks in a row, and end it by email. Then block him from your email, phone and social media. He will try and contact you and try and pull you back in so it's very important indeed for your own safety that you resist all contact.
This
Please don't think too hard about it; just do it and deal with the consequences. You have no ties to him other than that you live/work in the same town. You can do it.

Shoxfordian · 31/03/2017 06:54

This article has a list of steps to take when leaving, might be helpful
captainawkward.com/2014/02/06/547-is-it-my-anxiety-or-is-my-relationship-dodgy-spoiler-holy-fuckshit-its-the-dodgiest/

doggydogdog · 31/03/2017 07:03

I had an ex like this. Trust me it will not get any better if you stay with him. He's only going to get more controlling and abusive. My ex started off seeming like this really nice guy, I thought everyone liked him (turns out everyone's just scared of him) but he just got more and more controlling and then the violence which just kept getting more frequent. Once I ended it with him he pretty much stalked me and one day broke into my house and attacked me. I had to move house to get away from him but it was sooo worth it. My head's still pretty messed up from it now 6 years later and I probably need some kind of counselling really but it just feels so good to not live in fear of him anymore. Please get away from this man and stay somewhere safe OP.

PaulaBBB · 31/03/2017 07:12

You need to leave him! Things are going to get worse and he is going to end up wearing you right down, no friends, no family, lose your job and the violence will really start. Give it a few months or years and it sounds like he will be strangling you!!

Tell him it's over. Tell everyone you know it's over and what he's like. Block his number. Block his email. Don't answer the door. If he shows up and starts getting mouthy or aggressive then phone the police. Please do not stay with him. I agree with wish this sounds like the kind of thing where your parents will be asked to come and identify your body as he will not stop if you are with him. It will only get worse.

Ledkr · 31/03/2017 07:26

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/698029-Right-listen-up-everybody

Please take a few minutes to read this today. It may change your life

bouncydog · 31/03/2017 07:27

If my daughter were to tell me this, her dad and I would be straight round to help her leave with help of the police if necessary. Please confide in your mum and friends and take some of the really good advice offered.

This is definitely emotional abuse as well as physical. This man doesn't love you, he loves the control he has over you. You work in a male dominated field so clearly you are a strong woman. Kick him into touch and confide in your friends at work as well. He's a coward and the likelihood is that it will get worse. Makes my blood boil to read about men like this.

Original poster
isthisevennormal · 31/03/2017 07:33

Thank you everyone, you've really opened my eyes to just how abnormal it is. I realised and suspected things might be abnormal when I really focused on how my parents talk and act around one another (loving, caring, always talking about things, no side-eye etc) And then I started to notice it in other relationships too, even in one of my friends more tumultuous relationships (they argue in person but it's equal, she can stand up for herself and they then both work hard to apologise) that there is unconditional love and care. This is the opposite of how I feel right now, the love I get is not unconditional, its based on how well I behave/ or whether I'betrayed him.

i'm going to plan how I'll leave and will give women's aid a ring when I can next week.

OP posts:
Footle · 31/03/2017 07:41

Your friends might be telling you to leave 'just because they don't like him'. Come on love - they don't like him because he is a vile person, and they don't want him near you.

boolifooli · 31/03/2017 07:52

I was relieved to see from your post that you don't live with him. Yes he is very abusive. How he behaves is so far away from what my marriage is like. No one deserves abuse. If he wasn't happy he should walk away. That's what grown ups do, not be abusive. He's very immature and not likely to change.

picklemepopcorn · 31/03/2017 07:53

Well done! Nothing you do or have ever done justifies his behaviour. If he doesn't like it he can leave, not monitor your every move, swear at you, hurt you, control you.

boolifooli · 31/03/2017 07:53

I'm only ever telling them the bad stuff

There shouldn't be bad stuff. I don't have bad stuff in my relationship.

Whywonttheyletmeusemyusername · 31/03/2017 08:48

Someone like this will not let you go easily. You're going to need to be strong for a very long time. When I had an ex like this, I stayed with him, even though I'd wanted out for a good 2 years, simply because it was easier than getting shot of him. Please don't make this mistake OP, you need to get out....and now. If I'd been on here at the time, I would have left a lot quicker. The support on here is amazing, and we're all here to help you through this

hellsbellsmelons · 31/03/2017 15:39

I hope you can get through to Womens Aid.
Keep trying you will get through eventually.
They can help you with an exit plan.
Tell everyone.
Make sure everyone you know, knows what he is like.
They will help you keep away from him.
Block, delete, ignore.
On everything, social media, phone, apps, everything.
If he comes round then you call 999.
If her persists then you report to the police and get an order in place to keep him away from you.
If you disengage and ignore, he will get the message eventually.
It will take time, strength and support though.
So get your head around it. Tell people and then execute a plan to end things.

He sounds truly horrendous. As others have said do the Freedom Programme. Attend in person if you can, it's better but if you can only do on-line then do that.

Good luck getting away.

NoShitSherlock101 · 31/03/2017 19:57

OP I'm just repeating what everyone else has said but when you do end it with him do not give in to any requests from him to come over and talk. And be warned he will beg, he'll try everything. Do everything you can to keep him away from you.

Don't underestimate the danger of an abusive man who realises he's losing control.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 31/03/2017 20:07

Please believe me when I say this will never ever get better!!!!! PP,s have written everything far more eloquently tHan me but in essence we are all saying the same thing....get out and get out now and safely!!! Good luck it's a fucking horrible " thing" to be part of....( can't bring myself to call it a relationship as it's the complete antithesis of what a relationship should be)....take care xx

ohfourfoxache · 31/03/2017 20:08

Be very careful. When you leave you need to leave- no advanced notice, no continued contact, you need to ensure your safety.

Trust me, he will not relinquish control quietly