It's bothering me that he still isn't divorced

[Chinchinwag]

Hello,

My dp and I have been together for 8 months and things are going very well. I have 2 dc (I am divorced) and he has one dd who is 6 from his marriage. They split up 4 years ago and she moved 50 miles up the motorway with their dd to live near her parents where she grew up. He sees his dd every other weekend and has her a week at a time during the school holidays although I know he would love to see her more.

His ex isn't the most accommodating of people when it comes to their dd such as she won't tell him when sports days/school photos/school events are etc which he would like to know. He walks on eggshells around her I think almost in fear she has the "power" when it comes to their dd. I haven't met his ex.

Divorce proceedings were started by her (upon his request for her to sort it out as she was at the time working for a solicitors firm.) All the assets were sorted out between them and the only thing is sorting out their dd etc. I asked him months ago when he was going to sort it out as it's bothering me he is still married. He said then he has to take time out to get a solicitor and sort it out and said he would do it. Then last month he said he had "too much on" and didn't have the headspace to sort it out at the moment.

I said to him if he gets it sorted out and goes for joint custody of their dd (which is what he wants) he would have more clout when it comes to their dd and wouldn't need to walk on eggshells so much as he would have joint custody with no fear of her making anything difficult with divorce or anything like that.

The thing is he keeps putting it off and making excuses and it's really bothering me. At the moment we don't have the same weekends together as when mine are at their dads, he has his dd and vice versa. He keeps saying he's going to ask her to swap around so we can have a weekend where if we all want to do something with the kids we can and a weekend we can spend together. His ex controls all the dates he has his dd, when he has to pick her up and drop her off and when he has her in the holidays and he's tip toeing around it all and i'm getting very frustrated.

I don't want to go on and on at him but I feel really bothered by all of this.

I also think you're making a mountain out of a mole hill describing a blunt "no we're busy" as her getting at him via their daughter.

They've been split FOUR YEARS. Four years of EOW plus a week in holiday. Which presumably has been working. So they'll already have a way of managing ad hoc phone calls. Yeah, it was blunt - my texts to my ex are blunt because guess what? He's not my mate! If for 4 years she has said a blunt "no" to every phone call, then why hasn't he sorted out a regular call schedule? More likely, sometimes it is convenient but when it isn't she says no. And that has worked for 4 years. Why do you think it's her using the child for control or to get to him?

Why does he think that an agreement that has worked for 4 years would change after divorce? I bet it's more to do with finances. Or just passivity / laziness.

He seems not to understand PR vs residency. Add that to the lack of divorce and him not getting info already from school and I'd say you're looking at common or garden laziness - and nothing to do with an unreasonable ex at all!

Like I said I'm going to take a step back 😊

"I'd say you're looking at common or garden laziness - and nothing to do with an unreasonable ex at all!"

I agree. Same as my ex.

He told his now 2nd wife I was the one delaying the divorce, that is threatened all sorts inc withholding dd.

The truth was he was trying to avoid marrying again (even though by this point she was pregnant with their second), he withheld the financial settlement, wasn't paying maintenance and I'd had to 'lure' him into court to kick his butt into seeing dd a few hours a week! Cut to almost 15 years later he's back to not paying maintenance, (he paid intermittently for a few years), hasn't seen dd for almost 5 years as he hasn't bothered responding to her or I regarding making arrangements (initially he did PA shit of leaving it to last minute then complaining he couldn't get leave/it was too expensive/no plane seats available). He hasn't spoken to dd since Christmas and has blocked her on social media - yep 'lovely'

I've raised dd, tried to assure her she isn't unloveable, did most of the traveling when he DID see her, plus covered most of the costs and did most of the organisation.

Wish I hadn't bothered because dd would have been better off simply not knowing him, not feeling so rejected.

Its only been 8 months!

I'm with me boyfriend three years and I'm still married.

I'll probably never get divorced.

Naice, those red flags are good! I wish I knew them before meeting stbxh.He appeared wonderful for many years but he is actually highly manipulative and controlling.

Schools have to acknowledge parental responsibility for both parents.He can be as involved as he wants to be.
I suspect you only know half the story so be cautious.

Naice. sorry I skimmed the thread earlier on my phone and missed your post. Yes those red flags are good! They could describe my ex perfectly. The sad thing is, he caught me at a very vulnerable time of my life when I was going through a divorce and he was being all "nice and understanding." I new after 6 months what he was like yet it took me another year to "unpick" myself from him. It was like bloody torcher. I knew he was wrong for me yet I kept going back for more each time until the last time where I stayed bloody strong. It took me a long time to get over that as it haunted me. He was such a nasty, abusive man. Used to Gaslight me constantly and made me feel like I had lost my own mind and I doubted my own sanity. He was "Mr Sensitive" in Lundy Bancrofts book Why does he do that?

After that finally ended I did so much research on abuse, the different types of abusers and so much of it rang true to what he was like, I felt like a weak fool.

I managed to salvage my strength back as when I was married to ex dh I was quite a strong woman. Now though, I recognise the red flags as they stick out to me like a fog horn. I recently met a friends dp and shocked at how I recognised the signs ( she has lots of problems with him.) Do I say something or what? It's hard.

The only way I can describe it is in an abusive relationship I was blind drunk then when you come out of it stronger eventually it's like you're stone cold sober.

You're right, telling her won't work unfortunately. I know a few people have said things to her but then I see on fb that she's posting "loved up" pictures of them. Then the next minute she's complaining about him. It's tough to watch tbh but I don't think there is anything I can do other than stick by her as a friend if she needs to talk.

What sort of nudge questions would you suggest?