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Original poster

It's bothering me that he still isn't divorced

62 replies

Chinchinwag · 30/03/2017 20:06

Hello,

My dp and I have been together for 8 months and things are going very well. I have 2 dc (I am divorced) and he has one dd who is 6 from his marriage. They split up 4 years ago and she moved 50 miles up the motorway with their dd to live near her parents where she grew up. He sees his dd every other weekend and has her a week at a time during the school holidays although I know he would love to see her more.

His ex isn't the most accommodating of people when it comes to their dd such as she won't tell him when sports days/school photos/school events are etc which he would like to know. He walks on eggshells around her I think almost in fear she has the "power" when it comes to their dd. I haven't met his ex.

Divorce proceedings were started by her (upon his request for her to sort it out as she was at the time working for a solicitors firm.) All the assets were sorted out between them and the only thing is sorting out their dd etc. I asked him months ago when he was going to sort it out as it's bothering me he is still married. He said then he has to take time out to get a solicitor and sort it out and said he would do it. Then last month he said he had "too much on" and didn't have the headspace to sort it out at the moment.

I said to him if he gets it sorted out and goes for joint custody of their dd (which is what he wants) he would have more clout when it comes to their dd and wouldn't need to walk on eggshells so much as he would have joint custody with no fear of her making anything difficult with divorce or anything like that.

The thing is he keeps putting it off and making excuses and it's really bothering me. At the moment we don't have the same weekends together as when mine are at their dads, he has his dd and vice versa. He keeps saying he's going to ask her to swap around so we can have a weekend where if we all want to do something with the kids we can and a weekend we can spend together. His ex controls all the dates he has his dd, when he has to pick her up and drop her off and when he has her in the holidays and he's tip toeing around it all and i'm getting very frustrated.

I don't want to go on and on at him but I feel really bothered by all of this.

OP posts:

Graphista · 30/03/2017 21:45

My thoughts - you've only been together 8 months, to a large degree it's not your business!

You haven't met his ex and you're believing everything he says about their relationship, why they split, how she's behaving, that she's 'using their child against him' - yet you still barely know him! As an ex yourself I would caution you against this - how does YOUR ex describe you?

The weekends - why can't yours be moved? That's no less fair than asking his ex to compromise.

YOUR old relationship YOUR ex YOU, are not HIS old relationship HIS ex HIM. So 'my divorce was hard too but worth it' is not the same. That is like those really annoying people who say 'well I gave up cigs/lost weight/learnt to drive so there's no reason why you can't'

"he needs to face things and not bury his head in the sand." No what you mean is YOU WANT him to do this.

"I think i'm going to talk to him again and express how aggrieved this is making me feel!" PLEASE DON'T! it's not your business! You are just someone he's dating you don't live together, have no dc together, no financial or legal connection.

Does your ex have a new partner? Are they trying to say what weekends he has your dc? How would you honestly feel if they did? I'm a first wife if my ex's 2nd wife tried that shit I'd soon tell ex to tell her to butt the fuck out! She's been in my ex's and dds life for 14 years and wouldn't DREAM of that! I've also been the new partner of someone with children from a previous relationship, his contact, his dealings with his ex his business, I'd give an opinion if asked but that was all.

You need to step back.

TeamRick · 30/03/2017 21:56

I think you should clearly state your position re him getting divorced, and take a step back.
You have only been with him 8 months but if the relationship lasts then you need to put your foot down.
There was a thread yesterday where someone had lived with someone for 16 years and had 2 children and he was still married!
Maybe set the 12 month stage as a marker? If he is still reluctant then just walk away!

Original poster

Chinchinwag · 30/03/2017 22:10

I will take a step back.

I swapped my weekends with ex dh last year as his partner has dc and they wanted to have the children together etc. I was single at the time and he asked. I had no real reason not to other than to spite him. I wish I hadn't swapped now!

TeamRick yes I saw that thread and that's party why I posted as I don't want it to be years down line and he's still not divorced as "it's just something that he didn't get round to..." with me not wanting ti interfere.

OP posts:

PossibiliTea · 30/03/2017 22:12

It would bother me. A lot. Simples.

Kikikaakaa · 30/03/2017 22:15

You don't have to put up with it if you don't want to, no one is saying accept it. But don't go down the road of trying to mother him into taking charge of his life. Make it clear you don't like his inaction and doubt the future if things don't change. That's all you need to do

PaterPower · 30/03/2017 22:36

Ok, so to give you a male perspective it can be a very intimidating prospect to divorce where the child contact arrangements are dictated by the ex.

Even with something in writing from the court (as I have - not what I wanted, but that's a longer story) an RP can put a LOT of obstacles in the way if (usually she) wants to. I've done nothing to warrant the crap I get from my ex at times. She cheated on me, she broke the three years' of 50:50 arrangements we had and she moved away (fought unsuccessfully through court to stop that).

Despite getting everything she wanted from that process, and leaving me emotionally shattered, she STILL argues the toss over pick up times and dates. Arranging holidays is a bloody nightmare at times. Despite her having the dc every day (bar the pathetic eow I have now) she's still all take and very very little give when it comes to Christmas, summer etc. Everything has to be on her terms and when I push back, and I do, I just get a refusal to change. I am dreading this Christmas because it's my turn to have Christmas Day but I know, from bitter experience, that she'll carve the rest of the holiday up to suit herself and then make out that I'm the unreasonable one.

What am I supposed to do? Take her to court? Yeah right. That worked so well for me the first time.

I do agree that your DP needs to go through the school to get the copies of info sent out. If he had PR then they can't refuse to. IME, some schools need pushing a bit but he just needs to put the effort in. He should probably also bite the bullet and get a CAO in place as part of the divorce. If he only has eow and half hols now then he's unlikely to get any worse and he can request that the court sets the weekend pattern so it ties in with yours.

Original poster

Chinchinwag · 30/03/2017 22:49

PaterPower, I think a lot of what you're saying is his fears tbh. He's explained to me about wanting 50:50 so he has just as much parental rights as she does. He's told me he has spoken to other divorced dads who have pretty much lost most contact with their dc due to difficult ex's and not getting joint custody.

The weekend thing I think i'm just going to stay quiet and accept what it is.

OP posts:

Hellothereitsme · 30/03/2017 22:49

He has joint custody of his child because he is the named father on the birth certificate. Do you mean 50:50 access ie the child stays with him 50% of the time? That would be difficult as her school is some distance away I assume?

I've been separated from my H five years. We finally started the divorce late last year. He already has a year old baby with OW. Some people just take their time. Doesn't bother me. I wanted to be in a strong position mentally before I started the divorce.

SandyY2K · 30/03/2017 22:54

I've not read the entire thread, but he can contact the school and ask for information regarding sports days, parents evenings etc to be sent to him.

I think when you start dating a seperated man, you kind of have to not go on at them about the divorce.

He may just be a procrastinator. Perhaps you can say something like " by the end of this year I really want your divorce finalised".

I'm sure he can get a move on.

TokenGinger · 30/03/2017 23:11

As a side note, assuming he has parental responsibility (I.e. Is on the birth certificate), he can contact the school to have a little tick added to his name on their SIMS system and he'll then receive his own letters, texts etc about any upcoming activities.

NaiceBiscuits · 30/03/2017 23:17

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

springydaffs · 30/03/2017 23:29

I can understand him being frightened his ex would limit his time with dd. This is probably why he's not going for the divorce, so as not to 'upset' her.

You've only been together 8 months. That's a really short time - even if you think he's the 'one'. If this was happening 2 years into the relationship then, yes, you would probably be appropriately aggrieved. But at the moment he's getting angst from her and now angst from you. All he wants is his daughter - and the way he's going about things is the only way he can see to keep his daughter in his life. And I'm sorry to say it but I wouldn't be surprised if nothing has changed further down the line.

As others are saying, it's surprising he hasn't contacted the school to get relevant dates etc. The 50:50 thing also just isn't going to work if his daughter lives with her mother 50 miles away, so it's not reasonable to think he can go for it.

I'd be wary of thinking you can just get rid of his ex. It doesn't work like that.

MrsDustyBusty · 31/03/2017 06:35

I can understand him being frightened his ex would limit his time with dd. This is probably why he's not going for the divorce, so as not to 'upset' her.

Every single day another woman posts this nonsense in support of yet another feckless parent or partner who won't get his act together.

PigletWasPoohsFriend · 31/03/2017 06:47

Every single day another woman posts this nonsense in support of yet another feckless parent or partner who won't get his act together

Its not nonsense. It does happen

Bunkai · 31/03/2017 06:53

So if your DP gets 50:50 custody how is he planning to get his DD to school 50 miles away?

This sounds much more like what you want and what's convenient for you. He's a grown adult he can sort it out himself (and ring the school himself for updates).

Original poster

Chinchinwag · 31/03/2017 07:30

It's all changed by the sounds of things. I think he means joint parental responsibility as opposed to joint residency and by the sounds of it he would already have that regardless of divorce. I think he thinks once they are divorced he would lose rights to his DD. No, he doesn't want 50:50 residency as she now lives too far away with her mum. I don't know where it is suggested I want his ex out of his life - them having a child together means she will always be in his life and I accept that.

OP posts:

Original poster

Chinchinwag · 31/03/2017 07:57

Tbh though I think you're right - the only thing I can do is take a step back. When he told me about the situation, my advice to him was talk to a solicitor as i don't enough about it to warrant giving advice on his dd/access etc. I think he's just scared to death if he signs a divorce he will be saying goodbye to his DD which I'm sure isn't the case.

OP posts:

TheNaze73 · 31/03/2017 07:57

I think you need to take a step back & reflect on things. 8 months is no time at all, yet you seem to be pushing your agenda.
He needs to do this for himself, no one else. Some ex's will do anything with children to manipulate situations & I think this is their battle to fight & really has nothing to do with you

Trollspoopglitter · 31/03/2017 08:07

"Having previously been with a narcissistic abuser, I recognise the signs and he has no hidden "side" to him."

I have to say that many, if not most, women don't go on a second or third date with narcissistic abuser because spidey senses start tingling. So the fact you were in a relationship with one, suggest your spidey senses don't work as well and you fall for all the "lovely guy" stuff.

It's odd that so many posters who describe their boyfriends as "lovely" but have known him less than a year also say

Original poster

Chinchinwag · 31/03/2017 08:54

Trolls he is nothing like the ex I was with who was an abuser (the abuser wasn't the dcs dad by the way.) I mean in no way and i cannot express that enough. X

OP posts:

HermioneJeanGranger · 31/03/2017 09:12

He wasn't divorced four years down the line when he met you, so I don't think you have the right to push it after only eight months together. If he was that bothered, he would have pushed it through years ago. He obviously wasn't that fussed, and you knew that from the beginning.

With regards to not knowing parents evening dates etc, why can't he ring the school and ask to be added to the text/email list, and get a copy of newsletters sent to his address? I don't really understand why his ex is getting the blame for him not knowing - he could easily find out that information for himself off the school website.

Frankly - if he wanted more contact, a divorce and to attend parents' evenings, he would be doing so already, or at the very least fighting in court for it to happen if the ex is as stubborn as he claims.

It's your choice to remain with a married man, but please don't buy property or have children with him until his divorce is finalised. There's currently a thread running in AIBU about a woman who has lived with her partner for 16 years, has kids with him and he's still married to his ex. If he died tomorrow, her and her kids would get nothing, and the ex wife would have claim on her house. Please don't fall into the same trap.

NaiceBiscuits · 31/03/2017 09:38

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Ellisandra · 31/03/2017 09:48

What a bitch not telling him when school events are.

That tells me everything I need to know about Mr All Mouth. He only needs to phone the bloody school once to get added to their communications.

TurnipCake · 31/03/2017 10:06

I think deep down you were hoping that after 4 years, the catalyst of him putting divorce proceedings into place would be you and your relationship.

The reality is it hasn't happened and it won't seem fast enough to you because if the situation was reversed you'd be willing to do it for him.

I think you need to take a step back and realise his priorities for your relationship don't match yours.

If you're happy with that then let him pull his big boy pants up and deal with his ex rather than lapping up his version of events

MsGameandWatch · 31/03/2017 10:09

You've only been together 8 months, bit early in the day to be stamping your feet and blending families if you ask me. He probably realises that hence the feet dragging.

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