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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

NC with family member -they've reached out.

41 replies

StormzyStuck · 28/03/2017 14:23

I have been NC with a family member for just under a year. I won't bore you all too tears with the story, but going NC was the best thing for me.

Today is my birthday - and one of my family members has forwarded a birthday message on their behalf too me.

For the first time in nearly a year I am feeling guilt when they have reached out. I'm torn between guilt and attempting making contact and then get angry with myself for feeling guilt when I remember everything that was said/done.

Can you go NC for nearly a year and get back in contact ( and the perpsn realise their faults? )
Is this a normal feeling?
Has anybody got any advice on how to deal with the emotions.

OP posts:

xStefx · 28/03/2017 14:26

I wouldn't, there was a reason you went NC

Just under a year isn't a long time to change, I suspect they havent

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 28/03/2017 14:27

I was nc with dm for 10 years. Had a legal reason to contact her (witness in divorce) a second we met up. . Regretted it within a fortnight. All the original reasons were still there. Managed a while for the sake of dc but been nc again for 5 years. . Def permanent now.

Sit down and write down all the reasons why you are nc. In black and white it may sink in!!

Scrubba · 28/03/2017 14:28

I suppose it depends on their behaviour and what they did. If you're going to be reminded of something unforgivably heinous everytime you see them, then dont do it.
If you've come to realise you may have acted a bit irrationally in cutting them off, go forwards but with caution.

HecateAntaia · 28/03/2017 14:31

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 28/03/2017 14:38

Ignore the family member who has in this case simply acted as a flying monkey. That person is only acting in their own self interest and certainly not in yours. This person has also not wanted to hear your side of things.

People who go no contact more do so for very good reasons indeed and its often done with a great deal of soul searching beforehand.

Would not restart contact under any circumstances and particularly because you have received a birthday message via this family member.

sayatidaknama · 28/03/2017 14:43

Reading threads like this helps a lot.

80sbabyz · 28/03/2017 14:46

Hi StormzyStuck i just wanted to wish you a very happy birthday- we are born on the same day!

Each situation is different but I've been NC and when that person reached out and i gave them another chance there really was no difference in their behaviour towards me at all. Some people enjoy causing trouble to others, we teach people how they treat us - life is too short to spend it on /with people who cause misery to our lives!

SeaEagleFeather · 28/03/2017 18:36

I'm with scrubba

it takes a lot to go NC and there's usually good reason.

But sometimes people do change; sometimes they realise what they have lost and they regret it.

Couple of questions to ask yourself:

are they the sort of person who can realise they've made a mistake? (or several) Can they say Sorry, if need be?

If the answer is No, then stay NC. If the answer is Yes, then maybe go ahead cautiously.

Tbh if I'd wronged someone and was younger, I might have sent out feelers via someone else too. Now I'd approach them directly, but some people find it easier indirectly.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 28/03/2017 20:15

i'm guessing the message didn't come with an apology - or a request to 'sort things out'?

Then NO - ignore it and tell the Flying Monkey that is your relative to NOT pass on messages from that person!

something2say · 28/03/2017 20:50

Im twenty years into no contact and I agree with everyone else, but want to add some stuff.

You must expect this and just because it happens doesn't mean you have to go back. Just expect to have to barricade the door every few years.

If you do go back, in most cases they won't have changed. Several people have said the same and it happened to me too. Well I lie, I had changed, my sister had not. So if you do entertain the idea, be aware that it might be just like it was before.

I say, if you have to take the card, do so and then chuck it. And just press on like nothing happened. Unfortunately when they haven't died yet, they do tend to crop up now and then but it doesn't place any onus on you xxx

macnab · 28/03/2017 20:53

I wholeheartedly agree with all the previous posts. I've been NC with my father for 12+ years and cannot think of a single reason why I would want to rekindle the relationship. In these cases you have to put yourself and your mental health first. I'm at least thankful that my father has never even bothered to reach out, I would feel torn as you do, but thinking back over the 30 years of awfulness with him would bring me to my senses.

ButtonMooooon · 28/03/2017 21:04

It depends on the reason you were NC.
I was NC with my sister for nearly a year. It was an argument that got out of hand and we were both too stubborn to apologise. In the end we were both at a family event and I simply said don't you think this has gone on long enough. We drew a line under it and we'll never be as close as we were but we can at least be civil now

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/03/2017 01:09

I am nc with my sister, 9 years bar one meeting two years ago. She apologized with one of those "sorry you were offended" non-apologies. Not accepted. A few years later, I got a nd card with "Can't we get past this? I am sorry for whatever I did." I responded that this was another exercise in dismissiveness, no thanks.

You have climbed out of the emotional cesspool and cleaned yourself off. Why jump back in? Just don't do it.

I agree that the use of the third party was cowardly. If they want contact with you then they should make contact themselves. The third party should not be a part of the dynamic; I agree they are a manipulative tool being used by the offensive one.

Happy (belated) Birthday

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 29/03/2017 01:10

nd? Birthday card= bd

ThreeDovesAndSomePinkChampagne · 29/03/2017 01:32

Have they?

Apologised
Made amends
Given details of how they are making serious changes (e.g. Therapy, self-help,books, some form of 12 step programme).

Unless it's a resounding yes to all 3, then stay NC.

gluteustothemaximus · 29/03/2017 01:46

I am used to the contact now. I get cards on b days and various other times. I used to get upset. Feel guilty. All the things a normal person feels. But me and DH had to hash out again and again what they did and all the hurtful, nasty, spiteful things that happened.

I kept old nasty letters. Old nasty emails. Re-read them and got angry all over again. Not suggesting that's the right thing to do, but it helped me.

Going NC would have been a very hard choice for you. Never done lightly. There will be no change, and if anything, like going back to an abusive ex... there will be a period of 'nice' behaviour, but trust me, they will be wanting revenge and to punish you for going NC.

I would write down your reasons for NC. How they made you feel etc. Remind yourself why.

First few contacts are very hard to deal with. It gets easier x

daisychain01 · 29/03/2017 04:52

I tend to have splinters on my bum thru sitting on the fence.

If the person is unbearable, isnt ever prepared to see any other perspective than their own and wouldn't in a million years meet you half way in recognising their role in the situation then rekindling that relationship will just be a process of attrition with you eventually having to pull the plug on it yet again.

If however you also had a part to play ie you "behaved badly " and think it may be time to draw a line in the sand and actually you miss them and your life is poorer for them being out of it, then to err is human, to forgive divine, as they say.

It takes a big person to admit wrong. Sometimes we can become entrenched in our views and fail to see the bigger picture. But dont be guilted if they are ghastly and you're relieved to see the back of them. I have only gone NC with one person and I know it was the right thing because it was toxic and it has added years to my life not having the stress!

If the birthday card is just a manipulative ploy then keep your distance.

daisychain01 · 29/03/2017 04:58

I kept old nasty letters. Old nasty emails gluteus
I didnt get anything in writing but they did say what was I whinging on about when I spoke about my late DHs death (this was around a year later but I was still very raw) and said well they'd lost a couple of friends but they didn't go on like that. I think in my mind that was the final straw moment but I soldiered on for another couple of years before I walked away permanently.

Graphista · 29/03/2017 05:13

I've been back in contact with people I've chosen to go Nc with 3 times in total - every time it was a bad idea, they hadn't changed, though initially they made a pretence they had, then gradually the facade slipped PLUS I'm convinced they saw the fact I'd 'given in' meant I was in a weaker position and would be reluctant to go Nc again - they were wrong!

I would see your situation as merely an attempt at emotional blackmail using a flying monkey.

Anniegetyourgun · 29/03/2017 06:45

Guilt is a destructive emotion. It's only useful if you've done something wrong and need a push to make amends. Otherwise it's pointless and, in this case, presumably misplaced as you have cut them out for your own peace of mind due to their behaviour, not yours. Do try to work on overcoming it.

The only reason to invite someone back into your life is because you want them there. You do not owe them anything. Not even if they gave birth to you, as that was their choice, followed by their choice to treat you poorly. If it's not your parent then sod 'em, the question is not even worth asking. I like the saying I first saw on here: blood is thicker than water, but that only means it makes more of a mess on the carpet.

Of course if you went NC because they lent you a large amount of money and you're trying to avoid paying it back, ignore all the above!

User543210 · 29/03/2017 07:05

I was none contact with DF for three years - he got in touch again. I wrote a letter of what I expected of him (apology, stopping of certain behaviour etc.)

So far its going well but I think he is very aware I could easily go NC again and I am pulling him up when he says things I am not okay with which I didn't do before. I think it really depends on the person.

SeaEagleFeather · 29/03/2017 07:23

Hmm nicely put.

Ampersand22 · 29/03/2017 08:18

Try to see it less that they have "reached out" because there goes that guilt again, and more like they have tried to drag you back in. Resist being dragged back in, be free.

macnab · 29/03/2017 09:34

Could I ask those of you who have been NC for a long time, how do you cope with being in the company of that person? I've not been in my father's company for over 12 years, the thought of it fills me with dread. But there's a family event coming up and he will be there. I've said I'm not going but am really gutted at the thought of missing it. I'm completely torn. My DH & children would be there with me, but the children are young and they've never even set eyes on him so that's an added stress for me.

Do you just completely stay (physically) away from the person and try not to make eye contact? Are there any tips on how to get through it? What to say if he approaches etc? I absolutely hate that he has this effect on me after so many years

AttilaTheMeerkat · 29/03/2017 09:54

macnab

Is this event really that important, it probably is not in the great scheme of things. If the very thought of he being there makes you feel like this now then seeing him directly would probably make you feel a million times worse.

Who organised this event and sent an invite to you as well; presumably this person knows that you are not in any contact with your father?.

I would not attend this family event if he is there; those hours you spend there if you did attend will go some way to undo all the progress you have made since being no contact. Do something nice for your own family unit instead.

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