NC with family member -they've reached out.

[StormzyStuck]

I have been NC with a family member for just under a year. I won't bore you all too tears with the story, but going NC was the best thing for me.

Today is my birthday - and one of my family members has forwarded a birthday message on their behalf too me.

For the first time in nearly a year I am feeling guilt when they have reached out. I'm torn between guilt and attempting making contact and then get angry with myself for feeling guilt when I remember everything that was said/done.

Can you go NC for nearly a year and get back in contact ( and the perpsn realise their faults? )
Is this a normal feeling?
Has anybody got any advice on how to deal with the emotions.

I honestly don't think it would be a proper apology - more of a sorry you feel that way.

She has a habit of constantly being the victim, everybody always does her wrong.

I can't see what positivity she could possibly bring too my life, I'm just a sensitive soul and don't like the thought of somebody being upset through my actions.

Macnab - agree with Attila. I live v close to family members. Sometimes they come knocking at my door. The thought of seeing their faces, 2 in particular, fill me with dread. Your situation would cause me big problems.

Luckily, the 2 people in question made up so much crap about me, no one else in the family will speak to me now, so no invites here! For the best really. Can't be doing with the whole flying monkey thing, which is what we were doing at the beginning. Passing back a tonne of info via a sibling without knowing

This event sounds v stressful. I wouldn't be able to go through with it. Could and probably would cause a lot of damage.

In my experience nothing changes.

Old habit die hard with them.

I regularly feel guilt over my dm who I'm
NC with nearly 16 years (I think!)

Stormzy - what you are feeling, sadness and guilt, they won't be.

It took me years to finally go NC as I hate causing upset. And that is what they rely on.

A true apology is only backed up with commitment to changes and a recognition of mistakes and their impact.

All I got was 'if I have to apologise, I will'.

Attila and gluteus it's my brother's wedding, both he and one of my sisters are still in contact with my father. I would love to be there, but then again the thought of it fills me with dread. Will think on.

OP, apologies for de-railing the thread a little.

It just seems a real shame for you to miss out on such an important event McNab. It seems like your df still seems to have a lot of power over you, even after all this time.

Is there any way you could maybe work through these feelings so he can't hurt you so much going forward - have some cbt or counselling, for instance. He may have had the means to control or hurt you in the past, but now you are a resourceful adult with a loving family. He cannot control you now and you do not have to listen to him if he tries to upset you.

Macnab, there is another perspective... that maybe your Father has somewhat mellowed over the passage of time of your NC and could be prepared to keep his distance to enable all of you to celebrate your brother's wedding harmoniously.

I personally would not advise you to stay away, why should you be the one to miss out!

Could you tactfully put out the feelers to a family member, saying you are not out to cause problems but you'd dearly like to be at the wedding. You are very willing to stay arm length and want to be clear that you will do everything possible to focus on your brother's special day nothing else.

If your DF approaches you, just treat him like any other guest, with a quick hello and excuse yourself to circulate wth other people.

macnab

If the thought of seeing your father fills you with dread even 12 years on then do not put yourself through it. People do not fundamentally change and I would let sleeping dogs lie.

If you do attend then you need to prepare for what you will do and say if he does approach you. If you do not feel fully prepared, and it does not sound like you are at this time, do not attend. At the very least it could all feel very awkward and uncomfortable with you feeling on edge all the time. Would you want your children to know their grandfather given his previous behaviours towards you?.

I would agree with a previous suggestion made of counselling if you have not already done this over the years.

You are no contact with your dad for very good reason; its been your brother and sister's choice to remain in contact with him (they may be more favoured anyway and/or still want to curry favour with the man).

Presumably your brother sent an invite to you as well knowing that you are not in contact with dad. Is he the sort who says, "well you know what he's like" and all that guff. This is also another reason for non attendance if that is the case; send a gift and your best wishes instead.

what you are feeling, sadness and guilt, they won't be

This with bells on

macnab

Is your mother attending your brother's wedding?. What was your childhood like?. You do not of course have to answer that but its something worth thinking about.

If your dad was abusive in any way towards any of you and your mum then I would not attend any function he was present at either. Such men do not change fundamentally.

Stormzy

re your recent comment:-

"I honestly don't think it would be a proper apology - more of a sorry you feel that way.

She has a habit of constantly being the victim, everybody always does her wrong.

I can't see what positivity she could possibly bring too my life, I'm just a sensitive soul and don't like the thought of somebody being upset through my actions"

She is not upset, more like annoyed that you have not done her bidding via the flying monkey she manipulated to do her bidding.

Remain in a no contact position for your own sake. Surround yourself instead with people who are radiators and bring joy, not drains on your soul like this relative.

"what you are feeling, sadness and guilt, they won't be"

Precisely

This person has also not wanted to hear your side of things.

Where does it say that in the op or subsequently?

There are a huge variety of reasons why relationships break down, op. It's not a one size fits all. What may be appropriate for one person (a b+w dismissal of the relationship for eg ongoing mental health) may not be appropriate for the next.

"Ignore the family member who has in this case simply acted as a flying monkey. That person is only acting in their own self interest and certainly not in yours. This person has also not wanted to hear your side of things".

That's the full comment I made above.

They have not wanted to hear anything other than what the person has told them to say to the OP, they have simply passed on a message. Such people simply enable for their own self interest.

OP, i'm NC with my elder sibling. The only time i share the same space as her is at family functions/gatherings.

I choose to go as i personally will not allow her toxicity affect my relationship with other family members or effectively exclude me from the family (no doubt she'd love that & feel like she's 'won').

I treat her as i would a stranger who i want to avoid.

• I'm civil and polite when i (cheerfully and breezily as i'm already turning to other person) say 'hi' or 'bye'....i don't expect a response.
• I give one word, non committal answers or 'hmms' if she asks anything directly.
• I don't shake hands, give hugs or air kisses. I just step away from her and say 'no thankyou' if she tries it.
• Basically i act like she's not there, and if forced to engage it's the above.

**I've also taught myself NOT to feel guilty for whatever she may be feeling in that moment, others opinions or any 'awkward' atmosphere created. Everyone knows the score so it's easier to manage - plus it's a large family so plenty of other ppl around.

She has two dc who i do chat to and am normal with but i'm more careful round that as she has and will use them as pawns/weapons.

Rehearse some stock answers to expected/possible questions/scenarios.
Playing Narc Bingo/Hangman mentally helps a lot

Remember, you can see your family any time you choose....that person has no power in your life.

Ahh, a flying monkey! That isn't "reaching out".

IME It's not that they don't realise what they are doing at the time and then one day it just dawns on them what the have done. They've always known exactly what they were doing, they tell themselves all sorts of stories to justify their actions. They just don't expect you to stand up to them and when you do it floors them.

It's a bit like the long term cheating partner who says they are sorry, they are only sorry because they got found out, had they not been caught they wouldn't feel sorry.

And just like the cheating partner, if you re connect with this person you will always be waiting for them to start up again...and they probably will... because lets face it, it takes a special kind of person to drive another to never want to have anything to do with them again.