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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Is he trying to change me?

26 replies

alexandra1288 · 27/03/2017 10:16

We have the wedding in July and he keeps telling me since February to change my behavior because he always do what I want, when I want and he doesn't want to tolerate these things. From my point of view, I don't think that he always do what I want and when I want and I am also doing compromises because of him. I know that I criticize him, but this happens because of minor things, and not big stuff like I want him to change and if he doesn't do this, we break up. He, instead wants to change me or if I don't want to change, he is gonna break up with me. At the beginning, he was different, he was acting very nice with me and now he is very mean to me and always pointing to me to change my behavior because things doesn't always happen as I want..I don't know what to do, this seems to be a circle, he keeps telling me this..I told him that I will make adjustments, but I cannot completely change who I am..but inside my heart, I don't think that for everything is my fault..Instead, I believe that he is immature and he doesn't love me the way I am.

OP posts:
BlueFolly · 27/03/2017 10:18

I believe that he is immature and he doesn't love me the way I am

Don't get married.

PatriciaHolm · 27/03/2017 10:20

Don't even think of getting married. You should be on top of the world, happy and in love; he doesn't sound as if he loves you at all.

AttilaTheMeerkat · 27/03/2017 10:23

What do you get out of this relationship?.

Call the wedding off now; better now than having a divorce in a couple of years from now. Would you want to bring any child into what you are describing here in this relationship?

Do not marry this man; what you are describing here is an abusive relationship where he wants to change you. I would also read about the nice/nasty cycle of abuse because that is certainly happening here as well. Abusers are not nasty all the time; if they were no-one would be in a relationship with them.

likewhatevs · 27/03/2017 10:33

You are very lucky that this is happening now and not before the wedding. I know that it doesn't seem like it, but its a lot easier for you to get out now. Please listen to your head. Your heart might be fighting it, but your head is flashing danger signs xx

Original poster
alexandra1288 · 27/03/2017 10:46

at the beginning he was very caring, he wanted to stay all the time with me and now he asks for alone time and that he needs to put himself on the top. he tells me that I have criticized him before and I need to feel the same way now. he is very mean and keeps telling me to change my behavior that things cannot happen every time that way I want to. also at the beginning told me that he doesn't like to go out with the boys and now it's telling me that he wants to go out with the boys. i don't understand who he is since he told me different things at the beginning and acted different with me than now.

OP posts:
sucue · 27/03/2017 10:51

Marrying this man will make you very unhappy, don't do it.

Runningissimple · 27/03/2017 10:54

Run run run 🏃 This will only get worse. You're better off alone.

LesisMiserable · 27/03/2017 11:26

Ffs this is not abusive! It sounds like classic cold feet and nothing more. To be honest if he feels you control the relationship and criticise him he's clearly questioning if he wants that long term, just as you are now the tables have turned. Maybe he is giving you a taste of your own to try and redress the balance before you marry. You both need to talk openly about if you're ready to treat each other better.

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 27/03/2017 11:31

Finish it and find a man who puts you first. Every single woman is entitled to feel their husbands priority. . He has already told you thats not true for you. .
Find a man who deserves you. .
Nobody will be mad if you cancel the wedding. Confide in a family memmbwr who will support you 100% .

SandyY2K · 27/03/2017 11:32

I don't think the two of you are compatible. I won't lay blame for because we're only getting your side and you've admitted to being critical of him. That's not great either.

This marriage will only end in misery and divorce.

This is supposed to be a really happy stage of your relationship.

I believe you accept a person as they are, imperfections imcluded, without trying to change them.

That applies to both parties in a relationship.

Mutella · 27/03/2017 11:33

It sounds very stressful for you.

He is not only criticising you constantly but it sounds really unclear what the actual criticism is, so I'm guessing you feel unsure about what it is that you're not being or doing or saying right. You're right, it does sound like he's trying to change you, from what to what doesn't matter. It sounds like it's an outlet for him, giving out to you, blaming you.... I bet he feels better about himself after he's upset you. Probably makes him feel like he has a bit of power. You will be desperately unhappy if you marry this guy. Don't even think about marrying him hoping it will work out because you will do all the trying and he will do all the blaming, and when you do divorce, he will fight you hard and make your life a misery for years.

Run. That's good advice.

Original poster
alexandra1288 · 27/03/2017 11:44

he lives in my house, he drives my car..i shared everything i had with him, he was very caring at the beginning, flowers every week and he acted very nice. ok, i accept my fault, maybe i screw it with the criticism, but it was never like 'i don't like that, change it or we break up' as he is doing right now. it seems unfair to me to play the power games or cold feet before the wedding, it seems that he was lying all the time and now he is revealing his true face. for example, I was the same at the beginning, he saw me as I was and I am now..why he asked me to marry him? i don't understand what he wants from me, I cannot change myself and I don't think all the things are done when I want, or he does what I want always..I believe I also compromise

OP posts:
Original poster
alexandra1288 · 27/03/2017 11:47

Also, why he needs to bring discussions back and back again even if the discussions were already discussed? he always does that just to blame me and to show me that when he didn't do something like I wanted, I argued with him..but I don't understand why he needs to bring the past discussions back and back again if already discussed once? Even if I say something about him or that I don't like that, he says that 'oh again, I am not doing things as you want'..but I can't say anything, he wants me to shut up and accept everything

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Runningissimple · 27/03/2017 12:03

I've been unhappily married. I promise you, you're better off single.

Stop over analysing. He's been a dick. Maybe you've been a dick too. Either way, it's already unhappy and you're not even married. You only get one shot. Marrying the wrong person is a big thing to get wrong...

TheNaze73 · 27/03/2017 14:55

Don't marry him. You don't seem right for each other.

Wendy687 · 27/03/2017 16:08

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SandyY2K · 27/03/2017 17:03

This man doesn't bring much to the table from what I can see of what you've said.

Marriage to him would be a big mistake. At the very least, postpone it, but I really think you'd be better off without him.

Hermonie2016 · 27/03/2017 17:06

Don't marry a man who you can not communicate with.Its a basic requirement.

It's common for people to reveal who they actually are once the romantic stage has worn off.This is him now.
How long are you together? Dont marry as you will really regret it.
It's better to leave now than be unhappy.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 27/03/2017 17:52

It sounds like he is "keeping score" of what/when he listened to you and now feels you "owe" him. This puts each of you on opposing sides rather than getting along together as though you were on the same team.

Please, do not volunteer for a lifetime of this. Even if things were simple and clear cut -you do one chore/ I do one chore, it is still frustrating to do all of that accounting! The reality is that he may manipulate the circumstance until one of his points equals ten or twenty of your points.

It has been a true blessing that you discovered this before you married him. Skip the divorce; do not marry him.

Original poster
alexandra1288 · 28/03/2017 09:37

what i don't really understand, why he has changed so much from the beginning..we have like a year and a half together, he was the most caring person for about 8 months, he was very attentive to me and brought flowers every/couple of weeks. now, he has shown another part of his face and i don't understand why he is like this now. maybe i have my mistakes too, but i am not guilty for everything and need to change my behavior...he saw me exactly the way I am from the beginning, as I am not the kind of woman to show another things at first and after change..and I wanted to love me the way I am from the start..it seems that in the start, he loved the way I am..but now, he believes that all I want is to do things the way I want and when I want..but I also make compromises for him

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Original poster
alexandra1288 · 28/03/2017 09:39

the only way to stop saying this to me, it's to shut up and go on..it gives me no other possibility to stay near him otherwise he will leave.

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Original poster
alexandra1288 · 28/03/2017 09:48

but again..it's hard to shut up every time I don't like something..and I need to say it..it seems fair to me, but not to him..he believes that when I want to say something I don't like about, I want to argue..but it's not the case, I just want to be listened and talk

OP posts:
Original poster
alexandra1288 · 28/03/2017 09:56

also, after we argue, he always withdrawn and doesn't talk to me until I go and talk to him..it seems to me a very bad behavior and he doesn't want to change it even if I already told him that it's not ok

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DistanceCall · 28/03/2017 10:15

OP, DON'T MARRY THIS MAN.

If you do, you'll be fucking up your life. This isn't going to get better when you marry.

He was very kind and attentive at first to draw you in - if he had been like this from the start, you would never have fallen for him. He has never loved you in the way you want to be loved.

sonjadog · 28/03/2017 10:22

I don't know why he is acting this way. No-one here can say. Maybe he doesn't know himself. Maybe he is in the wrong, or maybe he is in a situation that is bringing out the worst in him. Likewise for you.

What is clear is that you two are not compatible. Sometimes that takes a while to find out, so that might be why the way you two interact has changed. This is what dating is for. You have tried it out, you aren't suited to each other, so what I suggest happens now is that you break up and move on and find someone else. Cancel the wedding.