Sometimes people take a dislike to me and are really spiteful to me

[TobyTheWoodenDog]

I have namechanged for this as I find it embarrassing and upsetting but basically although generally I get along with most people and am what I'd consider to be fairly likeable, from time to time I will come across someone who hates me from the word go. Which is ok, I don't expect everyone to like me, but these people will go out of their way to be nasty and spiteful to and about me when they don't even know me!

It started at secondary school really; I moved to a new area at the beginning of year 8 so everyone at my school already had friendship groups as they'd been at the school for a year, which was difficult in itself but one girl in particular took a dislike to me on my first day there and for the next few years was just an utter bitch to me for no reason at all. She was unfortunately in my form group and the majority of my lessons and would do things like tell people not to sit next to me, and just come up to me and say "I fucking hate you", would bitch about me to anyone that would listen, and would at any opportunity take my stuff and hide it during lessons. This went on from years 8-11 at school! I had friends but because she didn't like me I always felt as though no one fully committed to properly being my friend as she made such a song and dance about not liking me so they all went along with what she said.

Now in adulthood I still from time to time come across this type of person who will go out of their way to be spiteful to me; my DS is in year 4 at primary school and in his first week at school in reception a mum of a boy in his year decided that she didn't like me, for no apparent reason, and I've spent the past almost 5 years of having to listen to her loudly bitching about me at any opportunity, or saying "fucking bitch" if I walk past her or pointing me out to people and saying she doesn't like me! I have older kids and never had problems with any parents in their year but this really gets me down! And again as a result of her behaviour I feel that other mums in DS's year are wary of getting to know me as they're probably scared of her. She helps out at all PTA events and school trips too so I can't help out at any of those things because she's there!

I have also recently left a job that I'd been at for a year as again everyone was nice enough to me there except one woman, who again instantly decided that she didn't like me, and made it obvious and because she was the main ringleader of the group of people in the office everyone was happy for me to be excluded from things as she didn't like me.

Oh and on a hen weekend a few years ago a friend of a friend whom I'd never met before decided instantly that she didn't like me and was awful to me for the whole weekend!

How can I deal with this type of person? As I said, I don't expect everyone to like me but why do I always get people that are out and out nasty to me? If I don't like someone I just keep it to myself and carry about my life as normal; I certainly wouldn't start being nasty to and about them.

gamerchick this is EXACTLY what happens to me all the time! Why do these people immediately assume we think we're better than them?! And not just quiet? I find it really fucking weird and annoying. I honestly don't spend much time looking down my nose at anyone but the instant anger is quite something. I just think these people must be so insecure, in spite of coming across as very loud and confident

I 'think' it's a jealousy thing but it's bizarre. I had a woman try to kick my head in many many times and the most anyone could get out of her was that 'She smiles too much' eventually me and her dil worked out that she was jealous of my hair, I do look after my hair and get a few comments. But apparently being well groomed in the hair department really offended her and made me think I was better than her I passed on the products, hair dyes and hairdressers I use to my friend and she just pretends nothings happened now, that and I apparently gained respect because I can attend a party on my own knowing I might get grief. There was twilight zone music.

Some people are just weird and insecure.

I'll bet you're not an alpha take the lead type and nor are you a pushover either? Shy and quiet until you get to know someone that can come over as aloof? It can rattle alpha people's cages because they don't know how to take you.

Gamerchick, I relate to this so, so much. I've often had fallouts with alpha-type people who assume because I am fairly reserved and quiet, I am a pushover and can be easily bullied. When they find out this is not the case, usually when I reasonably and non-aggressively stand up for myself, they absolutely lose their shit and I am then the worst human on the planet.

Some people just fall into this middle ground. Not loud and bolshy enough for people to be afraid of them, but not quiet and timid enough for people to want to mother and protect them. OP, it sounds like you are one of these people. Welcome to the club, it's fun

Sorry but I find it really hard to believe that a woman you don't know and have never spoken to calls you a fucking bitch every time you walk past, especially in a school playground

I get this a lot. It hadn't happened to me once for ages, then did, and that was when I saw how utterly weird it was. A guy joined our group on a night out because he was with a friend in the group. I was friendly to him, maybe a bit cheeky, and EVERYTHING I said, he took the worst way possible, eg 'wow, its busy tonight (smile)''was met with 'what? do you think its too busy for me do you?' it was odd, but I didn't notice as I was in complete happy mode. Next time we met I got a big rant from him about how I had been an asshole to him the whole night last time and wasn't to do it again. Luckily I was with a whole set of friends who were very positive, so they could see it was him that was out of kilter, but it was very eye opening as if the mix had been different, or if people had believed his interpretation, I would have been treated as though I had both been rude, and had rude intentions. VEry strange.

I get it in workplaces. Its almost like I lance the boil of weird psycho power game players, they sort of reveal themselves to me, and I liken it to an idea that instead of a window, I am a mirror, so that instead of them reaching in and being able to manipulate, they short of get a reflection back of who they are if you see what I mean. Bullies can sense inpenetrable or secure people and they really really hate it.

A CPN once told me that sometimes its a big compliment to you - they trust you enough to reveal their massive social insecurity and paranoia to you so maybe its a bit of that too. The worst thing in these situations is the passivity of the people around the situation in my view.

What's fascinating here, is how quickly some posters desperately seek 'something you do' as the reason as that's an easier reality to deal with for them. My parents did this to me when I was punched at school 'what did you do to annoy them'. This is like disciplining someone for 'deliberately being black to annoy the white supremacist'

The reason they pick on you is because you are a 'threat'. Ignore them and still smile at them. They are trying to get you to show fear. The more you show you're scared, the more powerful they feel.
Get these people alone in a room and tell them exactly what you think of them. Don't have to involve violence.
But once you stand up to them, they crumble. Smile, smile and wait for them to implode with rage.
Bullies are insecure. Always remember that.

I never understand grown women who act in this follow the leader bully way. Have they got no self respect?

When ds started reception, one mum whose child went to the same pre-school as mine decided she hated me (or my child?).

She has blanked me for 5 years whilst being chatty and engaging with the other school gate mums. She oozes bitch vibes and I'm sure others are scared to be at the receiving end of her sharp and unkind tongue.

As with any bully, she is super nice to those she deems useful to her and her dc and dismissive and hostile towards those she feels threatened by or sees as beneath her.

She has openly insulted other parents on Facebook and has a 'I say it as is' attitude.

I have often wondered what makes a grown women hate another person to the degree that they are not willing to be polite at least. I have now come to the conclusion that these people are either a bit stupid as in lack intelligence or have narcissistic personality traits.

Most mature people will behave in a normal polite albeit cool way towards people they dislike. Bullies don't.

Do you have resting bitch face? Do you? Because it just takes the bitch face aimed the wrong way just that one time someone is having a bad day and it's all over.

I remember some complete stranger yelling at me for taking my issues out on her because of the way I looked her. Thing is, I didn't even know she was there until she started ranting.

Gamerchick, I relate to this so, so much. I've often had fallouts with alpha-type people who assume because I am fairly reserved and quiet, I am a pushover and can be easily bullied

me too. And I cant stand confrontation. The trouble is the behaviour is insidious and almost impossible to rationalise.

All you can do is carry on being the person you are and keep saying to yourself that you cant please all the people all the time.

Dont do what I used to, which was to spend an inordinate amount of energy trying to "fix" the unfixable. I used to try to please but nowadays I give zero energy to people like that. Therein lies the road to perdition.

Amazingly my true friends who know me don't have any such issue so I'm fine couldnt give a flying 4X It does take years of practice to develop a skin like a rhino I'll grant you that.

Could you adopt that approach?

"All you can do is carry on being the person you are and keep saying to yourself that you cant please all the people all the time. "

That's true but when this sort of thing happens at the school gate it can affect the dc negatively. Not being allowed into the school social network due to negative, often made up gossip means fewer invites for the dc or for family get-togethers, which there are plenty of at our village school.

Essentially because of one person who is a network 'node' and who decides she hates you dc' social life is affected which could affect their experience of primary school.

The question is how do you protect yourself and teach your dc to protect themselves against this bitchy type? As females we are conditioned to seek being part of a group and it can be very damaging being ostracised. I'd love to know how to neutralise such bitchy bullish behaviour and dynamic. How does one de-escalate? Or is it just a matter of accepting to be never part of these networks?

I have this to a lesser extent. It doesn't bother me so much but I will call people out in their behaviour eventually and calmly. (Taken me a long time to do it).
I think it is to do with being hard to read. As someone up thread said, I come across aloof. I've been told that. I also gave a resting bitch face which adds to the effect. I try to counter these sometimes, can't be bothered other times, and occasionally play them up.
The people I unsettle are the definite alphas. The successful ones who like to organise and be queen bee. I think I give off the vibe that I may usurp them.

I also was to be talk, very attractive and slim. Sadly I'm now only tall!

It is upsetting your life and people are being vicious. You are avoiding things. You need to find done self confidence. Maybe an assertiveness course or something. When you gave some I think it will stop because the vibe they will pick up is that you will call them out.

You really need to take control back. Your kids will be learning a very poor life lesson otherwise.

Your focus on "to me" seems to suggest you think it's something about you. It might not be.

Sometimes people are really spiteful, because they are spiteful people. They're not the kind of people you want in your life. It's not a great loss.

I could have written this.
Are you pretty? Kind? Peaceful? Sometimes your 'light' can be a mirror for the darkness of others and they don't like it.
What I conclude is that it takes nothing from the decency of your character and says far more about these horrible people than it dies about you.
People can be very small minded and jealous and the thing to remember is that these people can't be happy. Happy people don't behave in this way towards others.

Take some CBT sessions, This type of situation is at the heart of what CBT tries to teach. Reframe your thinking because you cannot control what others do say or think. You'd spend your time being emotionally drained or in conflict " calling people out" on bad behaviour and there is always someone out there with their own issues.

For everyone prepared to listen to malicious unfounded heresay gossip of a toxic individual there will be others who will support you so you need to gravitate towards them. I doubt there is ever a circumstance where an entire village or school shuns one person based on tittle tattle. And I live in a village so am quite aware of cliquiness!

That woman sounds deranged! Ignore the ones who dislike you and concentrate on the ones that you do. Don't not go to things because of that weirdo. Invite your child's friends for playdates and then you'll have a chance to speak to some of these mum's and they'll be able to see that you're a nice and normal person.

Mums not mum's - bloody autocorrect

I've always had it to a lesser extent as well but not really such direct hostility. I have AS and definitely a permanent resting bitch face. Sometimes people try to catch my eye at the gym and I kind of react on the inside but my face doesn't move(!) it's really strange. Hard to explain if you don't experience it. I'm sure I probably do come across as unfriendly and aloof. But I think in the OP's case it does sound like jealousy.

Hi OP. I completely understand you as I too have been treated like this repeatedly over the years. Most people aren't as blatant as the women you've encountered, most are incredibly dismissive of me when I speak, avoid making eye contact with me or acknowledge me in public, make me feel like I've said something weird and just stare at me like I've got ten heads, but I have also had a number of women being openly bitchy to me and about me. I'm not a bitchy or spiteful person and I meet new people with a smile and friendliness yet I get this treatment over and over again. Like you, I'm a completely normal person, neither loud nor quiet, definitely not an in-your-face, say-it-as-it-is person, but not a pushover either. I've been told over the years that it's because I'm pretty and people are either threatened by me or assume I'm going to be a bitch because of my looks. But I'm not sure. My sister is prettier than me and she doesn't get this treatment, although she's very gushy and flatters people all the time, which isn't something I do with people I don't know. It's upsetting when you know you're a nice person and people treat you like you're a piece of crap but really it says more about them than it does about you. The older I get the less I care about bothering with people who are only prepared to judge someone on their ill conceived misconceptions. The people who do like me know what kind of person I am and I don't need to worry about people who feel the need to be horrible to someone for some unknown reason.

I also have had this my whole life although a lot of it can be explained by where I grew up and the types of school I attended.

I lived on a truly horrific council estate in a gritty part of London. There would be a gang of older kids that sat on the wall all day and would shout abuse at me because I had a part time job, was still studying at 19 and it was clear to see I didn't have a burgeoning substance abuse problem like everyone else.

At work I had some great jobs but at one place there was a woman who used to make faces behind my back as I was talking or on the phone, she was honestly just awful.

There have been women at babygroups who are just instantly horrible to me. People who give each other a look when I am talking. People who scoff in my face if ever the fact I own my own house comes up about how I must have a rich parent because how could I ever afford a place on my own.

I think by this point I have developed a tough shell and don't really give a crap if people don't like me. If anyone spoke to me now the way I've been spoken to in the past I would immediately call them out on it. Some people are just horrible cunts and frankly jealousy is a huge issue for some people. I never used to think that and the full range of human emotion couldn't always boil down to "they're just jealous" but sadly sometimes it does 😔

There's actually some really lovely advice of this thread too. x

I identify with so much of this thread it's untrue. And at the grand age of 40 I'm just as clueless now as I was as a teen as to why a few (a real few, count on one hand and include hubby few) are really on my side, find me funny and happy to spend time with me whereas so many just don't "get" me or acknowledge my existence - and it's not for lack of trying either. Play it cool and you are aloof, try and you try too hard and get stared at or ignored anyway. As for folk disbelieving random people would call others bitches just for walking past, it does happen - lots unfortunately :/

Same. I get a lot of this thread

Yep, me too. Since primary school when a girl decided to follow me around and copy everything I did and then I got told off for excluding her still irks me!

I had a girl at uni deliberately pretend to be nice to get in bed with my then BF and then tell all our mutual friends that I was this terrible person (obviously she also had that motive, but why the theatrics?) - and somehow they believed her... I've had friends I've never had any issue with suddenly cut me out of their lives with no explanation and the worst thing is when people say 'well you're the common denominator'.

I have AS too and was told I was intimidating but I'm honestly a total pussycat and I can get on with almost anyone, it's just totally weird.

These people are not worth bothering about. Their behaviours says everything about them, and nothing about you. If they're bitching about you, it's five minutes less they're bitching about somebody else. I have no time to waste on overgrown schoolyard bullies, and nor should you.

Play it cool and you are aloof, try and you try too hard and get stared at or ignored anyway.

Maybe don't play at anything, really. Just be yourself, because the people who are giving out all that shit really aren't worth the investment. If you feel you can't win, it's because you can't because they have their issues so don't bother about them, let it pass you by at 100,000 feet.

It's a very liberating experience!

I always get told that I make people nervous, or that I am scary. I am one of the most anxious people I know.

I think it's my bitch face and it used to be my good education. Now I'm in my 30s and a stay at home parent I don't get it so much.

I am definitely an alpha type - I was much worse but I still like taking on leadership roles. I have never taken a dislike to anyone instantly except people who are blatantly rude/homophobes etc. I can only admire the calm quiet types because if I could only just shut up then I wouldn't suffer the anxiety that follows any social interaction I have.

I'm not that pretty I don't think and I don't wear make up so it's not that when people don't like me.

I don't care about showing my face by the way