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Original poster

Should I forgive a boyfriend

69 replies

Zoila15 · 26/03/2017 23:20

Dear all,
Just need an advice from you as I am not sure what is the best thing to do. I've met a man online. We got on really well and we've been on 10-11 dates so far. He seems to have serious intentions about me and I really like him. He introduced me to his family and is asking to meet mine. Last night, he messaged me and said that he needed to make a confession. Basically , he lied about his profession. He told me that he was a doctor before we even met. He said that he thought that we were going to have a couple of dates and that would be it. He said that he didn't realise that it would turn into a relationship and that he tried to tell me a couple of times but was scared to tell me the truth. He is a nurse. His profession wouldn't matter so much to me, it's the lying that hurts the most. He is asking me to forgive him and give him a chance. Everything else he told me seems to be true. What do you think I should do? Give him another chance or leave him and move on? I do have some trust issues because of my previous relationship and want to make the right decision. Thank you in advance for your help and advice.

OP posts:
ShatnersWig · 27/03/2017 08:22

I'd move on. If you can't be honest about what you actually do for a living, what else would you be happy to lie about or stretch the truth about. If you already have trust issues, I can imagine you will now always be wondering if he's lying about other things which will drive you mad.

Mind you, all seems very quick to me. Calling him boyfriend after 10 dates, and you've met each other's families? I wouldn't introduce anyone I was dating to families until it was serious. I'm not sure 10 dates is the serious stage, but each to their own on that.

coconuttella · 27/03/2017 08:32

Calling him boyfriend after 10 dates

Off topic, but after 10 dates I don't think it's odd at all to start calling someone your boyfriend if you're seeing each other exclusively....."partner" - yes, too soon."Boyfriend" - fine.

OliviaStabler · 27/03/2017 08:37

I'd walk away. He's clearly not comfortable with himself if he can't even admit his profession, and an admirable profession at that.

jobvcareer · 27/03/2017 09:35

This would be a deal breaker for me. I've also got trust issues after being cheated on and lied to by a man who is a cheat and a liar. Liars lie, honest good people don't.

You will continue to have trust issues so long as you continue to put up with being lied to.
10 -11 dates could be nearly 3 months of knowing someone at one date a week.

nonameinspiration · 27/03/2017 09:59

Sounds really dodgy. It would make me question everything and wonder if it was true

DalaHorse · 27/03/2017 10:15

I would firstly check if he is definitely a nurse and then proceed with caution. Lying about job isn't a good start, what else can he/would he lie about in the future? Plus he could have told you sooner then 10-11 dates along I think. Maybe after 3.

Also I would take into consideration the amount of lying he's done. Had he talked at length about being a doctor? Made up scenarios etc? Or was is literally "I'm a doctor" and then only generic medical chat that could either be related to the role if nurse or doctor. If he's made up lots about his role as a doctor that's more than one lie isn't it. Also did he ask his family to lie too?

What's your gut instinct (taking the great sex, how cute he is and any romantic gestures). Are there any red flags? Is he possessive, manipulative or odd on any way? I had a charming ex-bf but when I pulled the wool away from my eyes there were red flags I chose to ignore. Inverted snobbery for example, passive aggresive behaviours that I wrote off as quirky. By now any red flags will be there if you choose to see them. Really apply some thought to this, you don't want to get tangled up with a charming liar, it won't be long-term happiness if you do.

DalaHorse · 27/03/2017 10:15

*taking out

DalaHorse · 27/03/2017 10:19

Oh and my ex-bf lied about the existence of his step son from a previous marriage even though he'd brought him up for 7 years plus. I should have turfed him out there and then for lying about that but he said, all humble and pathetic, he thought him having a dss would put me off. So he pretended he knew nothing about kids for ages when he'd lived with one almost full time for years.

DalaHorse · 27/03/2017 10:20

(He told me about this after around 10-11 dates as well).

sucue · 27/03/2017 10:27

I'd give him a chance personally. He lied to impress, not that unusual, I'd see how it goes if you like him enough.

DH told a few porkies when we met, but we were very young.

Littleballerina · 27/03/2017 10:31

Is he a nurse though?
I can't think of any nurses that I know that would lie and say that they were a doctor.

Anniegetyourgun · 27/03/2017 10:38

All these people saying lying to impress is ok. It isn't ok! It's still lying even if you don't do it for massively wrong reasons, only slightly wrong reasons. I must admit if someone I didn't know well asked me about my current job I'd probably gloss over it a bit, not wanting to go into details. I wouldn't pretend it was something else entirely, though. Thing is, if you're on a dating site for anything other than mutually agreed casual hook-ups, it's all about getting into a relationship with another adult human being, and a relationship based on lies is doomed to an unhappy outcome.

I don't lie on CVs either, before someone asks :P

lottieandmia · 27/03/2017 10:40

I'd be wondering what else he lies about tbh.

TheStoic · 27/03/2017 10:43

He can't have a high opinion of women, if he thinks that's what it takes to impress them.

SandyY2K · 27/03/2017 10:44

I must agree, all the male nurses I know are really proud of their professions. Not one of them would lie about it.

coconuttella · 27/03/2017 11:31

Oh and my ex-bf lied about the existence of his step son from a previous marriage even though he'd brought him up for 7 years plus

Did he actually lie (ie said he had no children) or just failed to mention it.... if former I can see the problem, if the latter, (after 10 dates or so) no so much as it's not lying just not providing full disclosure to someone who you're not yet in a established relationship with.

ShatnersWig · 27/03/2017 11:44

Coconut Sorry, it's just as bad. If you are looking for a relationship, whether someone is or is not a parent, does or does not want children, is about as important as it gets. They are deal breakers for people. If you're hiding that information, you're basically hiding who you are. It's lying by omission, presenting someone other than yourself.

pinkdelight · 27/03/2017 12:43

I'd get out now. The thing about him thinking it'd only last a couple of dates basically means he thinks it's fine to lie long enough to get a woman into bed and then move on. It's a horrible characteristic.

coconuttella · 27/03/2017 13:03

Shatners

But surely it takes a number of dates to progress from the 'getting to know you' to the 'relationship' stage. As you transition from one to the other then of course you need to be open, but I really don't think you owe everyone you might date a full disclosure of who you are and your past.

As for other posters saying citing sex as being the point at which full openness is required, there's a massive spectrum... from those happy to have no string sex to those who wait til marriage (albeit not many of the latter these days) so I'm not sure why 'sex' is necessarily the tipping point.

coconuttella · 27/03/2017 13:07

it'd only last a couple of dates basically means he thinks it's fine to lie long enough to get a woman into bed

Not everyone has sex on the first or second date, and if you do, if you don't realise that it's a casual thing at that stage with no commitment or expectation, you're being naive.

ShatnersWig · 27/03/2017 13:16

Coconut If you are only looking for some fun, casual dating and neither party is looking to meet someone for an actual relationship. that's fine. If you are dating with a view to have a proper relationship then of course it matters early on.

Example 1: You're a woman in your mid-30s, no children but very much want to have them, and are dating with a view to hopefully finding someone to settle down and have a family with. You do not want to waste any time whatsoever with a guy who has no intention of having children.

Example 2: You're a childfree man or woman who does not want children of their own or to be a stepparent but looking for a serious relationship. You do not want to waste any time with someone who wants to have, or already have kids.

Example 3: You do not want to have a long-distance relationship. You therefore don't want to waste your time with someone who only works locally two days a week or spends six months of the year on deployment in Afghanistan.

Loads more.

KindDogsTail · 27/03/2017 14:59

DelaHorse
Are there any red flags? Is he possessive, manipulative or odd on any way?

Why are you asking?

Yes, there are red flags: he is manipulative - lying so as to affect the way someone will think of you; he is odd in some way - being embarrassed about a job which most people choose as a vocation and are therefore proud to do.

Renaissance2017 · 27/03/2017 15:03

The ultimate choice is up to you, but for me I would find it more funny than anything. Forever more you would be able to pull his leg about it!

DalaHorse · 27/03/2017 15:46

Kind - "other" red flags then, to be pedantic. It goes without saying lying is a red flag. Hmm

As for why ask, because often lying goes hand in hand with other undesirable elements which the op may or may not have thought about/realised.

KindDogsTail · 27/03/2017 15:50

Sorry, DalaHorse, I see what you mean: that other worrying behaviour could go with it.

I misunderstood and thought you had dismissed the lying as not mattering.