My daughter's mum is absent again on mother's day

[mumdad1973]

Mother's day is always a bit difficult. I have still been living with my wife (although leading separate lives) these last 6 years in order to look after my daughter and try to ensure stability for her.

Today my daughter was looking forward to spending mother's day with my wife. She asked her eagerly what they could do together. But, my wife left the home in the morning with barely a look at the card my daughter had made and spent the whole day away, only arriving home after 9pm.

My wife never attends parent's evenings or gets involved in out of school activities. Any attempt to try to encourage her to do so is met with stern resistance. My own mother passed away 30 years ago and I seem to act as counsellor to my own dad who suffers with depression and my brother who suffers with aspergers. Both of them are generally doing well but are vulnerable and can't help or support me as both have autistic tendancies and can't navigate social situations well.

I am orgainsing an amicable divorce and negotiating a shared childcare arrangment (although this sometimes concerns me a little, given my ex's hands off approach to childcare). I know I can achieve much more by negotiation than making an argument over these problems.

But it seems such a shame for my daughter to miss out on what I had from my own mother. I've talked to the school about it and will continue to monitor the situation to look for any anxiety in my daughter. Fortunately I can cheer her up most of the time as I'm an optimist and see 'the glass has half full'.

I use yoga and music to keep myself going. Days like today make me feel really sad for my daughter though and remind me of the other times my wife has been absent e.g. when my daughter when I were in a car crash and went to hospital & my wife didn't come home for a couple of days. After which she expressed little interest in what had happened (that's almost literally what she said actually).

My sister-in-law is a real God-send and often helps out with clothes, school pickups. Without her, I would definitely struggle.

Just wondered if anyone else has experienced anything similar?

This is a sad situation and you need to be guided by your solicitor as you say you are in the process of divorce. Your solicitor should advise you not to discuss your wife and family in detail on mumsnet in case you are identified in real life.

Are you staying because she's the breadwinner? Sounds like the situation to me. You keep yourself going with yoga and music? Harp to the school about your possible upcoming but as yet nonexistent divorce? Complain about her to everyone and his brother. Crashed a car with your child in it, then blamed her for not fussing enough.

Why would both parents need to go to conferences? If you're going to be the "wife," OP, pretty silly of you to harp on her for not also doing the job.

PLEASE come back and tell me you're a renowned surgeon or something and she's a lady of leisure. I'd love to be wrong and learn something new about the world.

No doubt OP saw disappointment etched on his DDs face throughout the day, MMM3. Whilst I sympathise the mother has her issues, emotional neglect is emotional neglect regardless of circumstance. Are you tearing the OP a new asshole for any particular reason?

Because he sounds like a narcissist. It's mothers' day but 90% of his post is about how disappointed he is. He came to a mothers' board for the first time to get some "Oh poor you's" on mothers' day.

And because frankly, nothing he's accused her of is neglect, save maybe her not spending much time at home today, around a man who complains about her to everyone. He sounds like a whiny little bitch, is why.

Is she with someone else? Hence why she is spending time away from home.

What are the plans for living arrangements after the divorce?

If she is carrying on an affair, even more reason for you to split properly and live separately as that must be awful for your daughter to have to witness.

Disappointed for his daughter. Don't underestimate the damage emotional absence/neglect can have. From OPs posts, DD is striving to have a strong relationship with her mother but is being waved away.

Where did your wife go all day?

Would you be saying all that tedious shite if the op was a woman posting about a man on fathers day mm3? Doubt it.

Because he sounds like a narcissist. It's mothers' day but 90% of his post is about how disappointed he is. He came to a mothers' board for the first time to get some "Oh poor you's" on mothers' day.

It isn't a 'mothers board' for starters. So try again.

OP is disappointed for his daughter.

He sounds like a whiny little bitch, is why.

You sound vile and nasty.

HTH

Hi. Busy with school run, breakfast, etc. Will log in later.

Initially my wife was a brilliant mum. But when my daughter was 2 gradually become more and more distant.

My wife works shifts as a nurse and when my daughter was 4 took to working most of the week away coming back around 1 day a week. I know she was working at different hospitals as I have evidence of that.

More recently she comes back during the evening and is always home at night.

She may well have had an affair in the past.

This us sad v v sad. You and your daughter deserve better x

MMM3 What an unpleasant person you are. I'd take you a touch more seriously if you were even accurate about facts, but as you're not...do have the proverbial

Your wife sounds like a narcissistic sociopath. And I'm not joking.

You should be embarrassed for broadcasting your ignorance.

Please dont let what your daughter wants be the determining factor. Youre the adult, choose what your daughter NEEDS.

Reverse the genders & you're describing a significant part of my childhood. My dad could be a great dad - and I LOVED him - but he could also completely forget our existence. One day stands out where muk was working & he was looking after us. He didnt move from the sofa all day, didnt feed us, didnt stop us leaving the house (7&4).

My mum tried to make it work, living seperate lives for the same reasons as you. Then when I was 11 she kicked him out. Overnights stopped when I admitted he'd told us to tell mum we were coming but then go back home (mum was due to be away) as he couldnt have us.

The relief of living in a normal house, of not constantly hoping for attention from a parent who doesnt have it to give.

Well having a lunch break at work. Thank you for all the responses, it really helps to talk about this.

The school is very good, I was telling them this morning and there is a learning support member of staff who is monitoring my daughter. I might look at a GP referral to see if my daughter should get counseling. It was something that was never offered to me and I know it would have helped when I was younger (and probably still would).

Answering a few general points:

• I'm a software engineer on a decent salary and pay for the house and all the bills. My wife makes no financial contribution and does not generally perform child care roles either.

• My daughter really wants to stay in the house we have as she tells me she feels really safe and secure there. Remember my wife is mostly not home and generally the house is a happy place with local friends nearby. I plan to buy my wife out of the house (hopefully..).

> On my own childhood, I moved around a lot (every few years & different bits of the country which was a bit difficult for me. So I was keen not allow this to be repeated).

• I've asked my wife to leave and get her own place and she has said she will. But hasn't made progress on this in the last few years.

• I also kept the current arrangement because I was caring for my niece at the time we separated years ago and I had no rights to her care. Also because when I asked my wife to leave previously, she was visibly upset and asked to stay.

> At that time, I was working full time and doing the school run morning & afternoon as my sister in law was not helping yet.

• My sister in law is my wife's sister and is a great help in more recent years. She is very caring and help out at e.g. Christmas.

Thanks again for all your supportive words. I'm trying to get this right, and know I could handle some of this better and make better choices. Hopefully, I'll put into practice what I've learned from the mistakes that I'm making.

Thank god your daughter has you. I think that your daughter would be happier and less stressed living with you and only seeing her mum on prearranged visits. That way she won't be wondering about her mum's moods or how she'll be. It must be very disconcerting for a child to have this volatile relationship with a parent.

Also maybe looking at diagnosing what your wife has - mental health, asd etc may make it easier to explain to your daughter why she behaves the way she does. How is she at work?

Interested to know what plans you made in advance for mothers day? Seems pretty shit behaviour from your wife on all counts, but imo it's very different if you discussed and agreed plans but she didn't turn up than if she regularly works shifts as a nurse, you assumed she would take the day off, she just worked as usual.

Don't understand the bit about your niece?

I also don't understand if you are in a relationship with your wife or not?

Hi, nonameinspiration, I've not been in a relationship with my wife for 6 years. My niece lived with us for a few years as a teenager, because her grandmother had a stroke (and was unable to care for her) and her parents had passed away some years before.

Hi also turnaroundbrighteyes. My wife was not working that day. My daughter asked me and her mum if they could spend time together on Mother's day. My wife agreed and said they could visit a friend of hers together (who has also has a daughter). The friend then cancelled (or so I'm told). So, I understand that my wife decided to go around to another friend's house and do some DIY jobs instead. She said she would take my daughter out for pizza later, but this then didn't happen either :-(

In that case I'm afraid I agree with the others that you need to do more to let your daughter know it's not okay and she deserves better. Did you challenge your wife about her behaviour either on her way out of the door or after your dd was in bed?

Btw you have my sympathies, MIL is similar in making promises and not following through and having already challenged her, seen improvement, then back to square one I'm trying myself in knots about how best to raise it with her, BUT at least it's her Nana, not her Mother letting her down...

MM3, do fuck off.

Your daughter may seem ok and happy but because that's because she doesn't know any different and doesn't know that what is going on isn't the norm. This could all blow up as she gets older and realises that her mum was/is a useless parent, she could end up emotionally scarred . I think the best thing you can do is move out with your dd, judging by the lack of care your wife has towards your dd I wouldn't be surprised if she doesn't put up a fight for custody. The fact your daughter calls you 'mumdad' says a lot, she already realises that you do everything.

She isn't going to change although I sense you hope she still will. Your dd isn't benefitting from stability if her dm comes and goes and behaves inconsistently. All she is learning is to be disappointed and disengaged, which may in turn replicate when she is older.

So you're kind of house mates. What's stopping you leaving or getting her out?

Well done mmm3. You qualify for the wanker of the week award.

And come 31st dec you could quite probably win fuckwit of the year as well.