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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Husband is leaving me. Awful day, awful situation and I just want some advice.

62 replies

Stopthisshemozzle · 26/03/2017 21:56

It has been pretty hard since we had DD (2). He was awfully unsupportive and just carried on with his life and I resented him for it ever since. It was a bad birth, little one in NICU and he just looked after himself.

We have both been shit at times over the last decade, he says I'm irrational, unstable etc. He's a little bit right, but it's because he drives me insane. I also feel he has crushed my self esteem.

Anyway today I just felt like he deliberately made me feel worthless when I got in from work and I was grumpy and pissed off. I behaved badly, but it all ended with him saying we need to separate. He's right.

The hard thing is we stupidly put all our money into buying a house... which we have only had for a couple of weeks. How the actual fuck do we go about splitting up?

DD will be with me. He didn't even hint it would be any other way. I said as my family live 6 hours away I would need to move back to have support (I have nobody here) and as I can't afford to live here. He said it wasn't ideal but he sees it's the only option open to me. He really seems like he couldn't give a duck where we go.

What do I do? How do we even start to do this?

Before I get a flaming I know it was so fucking stupid to Buy together as to try and stick it all back together. I am already very low, so please if you want to tell me I'm an idiot I already know.

OP posts:

QuiteLikely5 · 26/03/2017 22:00

Be kind to yourself. You don't have to make any decisions tonight.

The house can be sold or rented out.

Can you take leave and visit family next week?

Goldfishjane · 26/03/2017 22:00

But if you bought the house together you sell it together surely?

Do you have a job where you are now?

mumonashoestring · 26/03/2017 22:01

You're not an idiot, you've had a pretty crap time from the sounds of it. Just giving this a 'bump' to keep in it active for you til someone who knows more about the practicalities comes along x

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 26/03/2017 22:03

I have a part time job. I love my job, but I work for a charity and the wage isn't amazing. We live South West and it's so expensive.

Can we sell a house we have only just bought? Unfortunately it would need refurbishment before it is rented out.

I haven't even told my family yet. I can't quite stomach it yet. I only have siblings and I know they'll be supportive.

I'm dreading his mother. She has always disliked me because I wasn't good enough for him, she told me so. She will relish in my pain.

OP posts:

gixx · 26/03/2017 22:11

Are you sure you will definitely end up splitting? As you have a home together and a child could you maybe sit down and talk things through, or is that out of the question? If you don't want it to be over I'd try that and apologise if you have been out of order.

HappenedForAReisling · 26/03/2017 22:11

Forget his mother, what she thinks of you is none of your concern. It rather sounds like HE wasn't good enough for YOU.

Hermonie2016 · 26/03/2017 22:13

Don't do anything yet, get over the shock and then plan.I made knee jerk reactions when first separated and think it was too hasty.

Could he move out to family? One practical step is to build a budget and then see what gap you have.Check out CSA and tax credits.

Don't worry about his mum, those who care for you will support you.

HappenedForAReisling · 26/03/2017 22:14

That sounded wrong .
Don't concern yourself with what she thinks of you, her opinion isn't important.

Orlandointhewilderness · 26/03/2017 22:16

Didn't want to read and run.

There is no need to expect a flaming; you have done nothing wrong. Yes it is perfectly fine to sell a house as soon ad you have bought it. I think that perhaps you should tell a sibling, I know it makes it all real but you need the support right now.

I'm so sorry you are going through this, it is always heartbreaking and awful.

Sumwoman · 26/03/2017 22:19

Hi I have been in your situation and it will all work out although I remember how daunting today will feel. Don't rush into making decisions and do talk to family and friends first. We made all our decisions far too quickly and I have been left unhappy about some of them with my ex now refusing to revisit them. Things to consider:

You will need time off as raising a child alone is hard. Moving away from your daughter's dad will mean he can't help as much. You might have family to help but will they be able/willing to help longer term.
Money and finances - you need to take time to reflect on this. Yes you can sell a house but don't rush this decision. You should stay there and he could move out until you agree a longer term plan.
Don't agree anything including where you daughter spends her time until you have a better feel for how you will cope. Keep everything as temporary agreements and give yourself a future time to change your mind or finalise this as your new circumstances require it. Make this very clear to your ex.

Lastly look after you and your daughter right now. It will be a big shock and a massive stress on you so don't expect too much too soon. I am 10 years on and with a new partner so you will come out the other side.

PoundlandUK · 26/03/2017 22:22

Can we sell a house we have only just bought?

Yes. However a buyer may struggle to get a mortgage if the proper was transacted less than 6 months previously, I think (anti-money laundering refs). You'll also need to be up front in explaining why the quick sale.

Sorry to read your situation OP. Sounds very tough

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 26/03/2017 22:49

Thanks for all the replies and advice. I find it so comforting and reassuring people come out of the other side.

I actually feel relieved not having him in the bed tonight. DD woke up and came in with me and it has really calmed me. I feel guilty about the situation we have put her in, but I really feel DD and I can have a better life without us being married.

I feel less resentment for the way he has treated me knowing I will eventually be out of the marriage and I can stop trying now.

Thanks for the advice about not making hasty decisions. My head is all over the place at the moment.

I'll call my sister tomorrow and my brother. My brother works in finance so will be able to advise me for long term planning.

OP posts:

Goldfishjane · 26/03/2017 23:09

Ive known someone in your situation op, split within two weeks of buying
Glad your brother can give you advice
I know it looks horrible now but you'll be okay
Btw I have taken against your MIL already!
Hope you get some rest tonight

KickAssAngel · 26/03/2017 23:43

Well, you need never talk to your MIL again, so hold on to that thought. She can keep her opinions to herself.

Does your H have somewhere to go short term so that you both have a chance to reflect?

Try to work out what life could be like if you stay where you are (in the area, even if you move house) and if you go back to your home area. Do think about how much your H will involved in DD's life and be really honest about what you expect from him. Also be prepared that he may say he'll take DD for weekends, and pay maintenance, but then fail to actually do that.

ImperialBlether · 26/03/2017 23:46

Just what KickAssAngel says - you need never, ever see or speak to your MIL ever again - so that is the silver lining!

Get some advice from your brother and sell the house as soon as you can. Get out of that area, claim child support off him and don't expect him ever to be a good parent.

So sorry for you

Atenco · 27/03/2017 05:58

It sounds like this is all for the best, and though it is hard to understand a father that suggests you moves a long way away with his dd, at least that gives you much more freedom in the choices you make.

I was a single mother from before the birth of my dd and her father was pretty hopeless and uninterested, all of which gave me a lot of freedome. My dd unfortunately is also a single mother but the father is very much involved with dgd, which is great but means that my dd cannot just up and move away.

Sumwoman · 27/03/2017 07:10

Unlike a few people here I want to remind you that you should be putting your daughter first here. Moving away may not be best for her. Don't become a bitter ex who makes decisions to punish him. It's always best for a child to have regular contact with both parents. Give a him chance to do a good chunk of the care as you will need that break. The things he says now are not well thought out ideas and he may be suggesting you move because he is trying to put you first. Don't assume the worst of him. He may turn out to be crap but give him a chance first. Always do the right thing for your daughter.

kittybiscuits · 27/03/2017 07:15

'he is trying to put you first' PMSL

ptumbi · 27/03/2017 07:24

It's always best for a child to have regular contact with both parents - seriously? It's 'best' for a child to see a father who doesn't give a crap about her? Who puts himself first?

It's is better for the child to have ONE parent who puts her first. rather than two, one of whom is selfish and argumentative and acts like a single man.

Bananamanfan · 27/03/2017 07:29

Can he give you your share of the deposit & stay where he is? I left my exH not long after we had bought a house. My parents had lent us the 5k deposit (those were the days!). I decided to walk away 5k down in the end. He had debt from his terrible gadget/games/porn spending problems & i cut my losses.

Sumwoman · 27/03/2017 07:33

Yes ptumbi it is is. Lots of reading about it available if you want. Kids are a lot more damaged by restrictive access to a parent than my a less than perfect parent. Obviously there are extreme exceptions if violence etc involved but that isn't the case here.

Sumwoman · 27/03/2017 07:35

Kittybiscuits I like to assume the best rather than judging first.

Rainybo · 27/03/2017 07:39

Please don't worry about the house. Not at this stage.

Similar happened to me - separated 6 months after buying our first house together, one child.

This was a couple of years ago now and I wanted nothing more than to sell the house at that time. I felt horribly trapped because it was a long fixed mortgage term with a high early repayment fee. Selling would have financially ruined us both. I have stayed, it's been a struggle, I hate everything this house represents. I am also far away from family so I have been very isolated at times.

However, not selling the house was the best thing for my DD. We absolutely threw ourselves into redecorating the house to make it ours (well, mostly me, but she tried her hand at painting). This home has been her stability whilst everything has happened.

Please don't feel bad that you bought a house so close to splitting up. With 2-3 years hindsight, I can see that I agreed to buy the house because I was desperately trying to make ex happy, to keep the family together, do something to prove everything was ok. It wasn't ok, he was an unsupportive hypercritical shit who didn't care about me and once I had signed on the dotted line of that mortgage he got even worse because he thought I was trapped.

You can do this, don't underestimate yourself.

StrangeLookingParasite · 27/03/2017 08:04

he may be suggesting you move because he is trying to put you first

!!!

Original poster

Stopthisshemozzle · 27/03/2017 08:23

I am reading, just got to work so will be back later to post.

Thank you all.

OP posts:

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