Husband is leaving me. Awful day, awful situation and I just want some advice.

[Stopthisshemozzle]

It has been pretty hard since we had DD (2). He was awfully unsupportive and just carried on with his life and I resented him for it ever since. It was a bad birth, little one in NICU and he just looked after himself.

We have both been shit at times over the last decade, he says I'm irrational, unstable etc. He's a little bit right, but it's because he drives me insane. I also feel he has crushed my self esteem.

Anyway today I just felt like he deliberately made me feel worthless when I got in from work and I was grumpy and pissed off. I behaved badly, but it all ended with him saying we need to separate. He's right.

The hard thing is we stupidly put all our money into buying a house... which we have only had for a couple of weeks. How the actual fuck do we go about splitting up?

DD will be with me. He didn't even hint it would be any other way. I said as my family live 6 hours away I would need to move back to have support (I have nobody here) and as I can't afford to live here. He said it wasn't ideal but he sees it's the only option open to me. He really seems like he couldn't give a duck where we go.

What do I do? How do we even start to do this?

Before I get a flaming I know it was so fucking stupid to Buy together as to try and stick it all back together. I am already very low, so please if you want to tell me I'm an idiot I already know.

He has emailed his Mum (they are well off) to try and buy me out of the house I think.

Wow he seems to have a plan all worked out! Be kind to yourself - he is obviously somewhat ahead of you here. But in the long run I'm sure you will be better off without him.

Him suddenly ending things then encouraging OP to clear off and move away with DCs is usually a sign of something, but it's not usually that he's a committed father!

Get legal advice. If you will have principle residence of your DD, it's not as simple as him just paying you 50% of any equity etc

I wouldn't have any discussions with him regarding this and other matters until you have got decent legal advice. If you look on the Law Society website, you can search for family lawyers in your area

Don't make any decisions without getting legal advice, bearing in mind that he has an ongoing duty to maintain and house your daughter.

Sorry things are so hard.

Buying you out of the house would be a good solution, if it is possible. You can sell, but prices probably won't have risen enough to cover your stamp duty and other costs.

No big rush.

If you have a job you enjoy and your dd is settled in nursery, can you stay put?

Look at all your options: how much you would be entitled to in tax credits, childcare costs, how soon til you get the free hours etc. Council tax discount for single person.

Do you have friends at work, or Mum friends? What support, exactly, would you get from your siblings if you relocate?

No big rush. Planning is power.

Look after yourself.

If you're married with a DD then as primary carer you would have a right to remain in the house. It may not be what you want long term but it would work in your favour for now - don't let him force you out and unsettle your DD for his convenience

It does feel a bit like that. He denies any cheating, but his work patterns did suddenly change and he needed to work until 10pm some night and pop in at the weekend... that has actually stopped now. He is adamant he hasn't cheated, but I don't believe him. Even his brother asked me if I thought that was a bit odd. I think he maybe knew.

I have Mum friends, but only one I would really want to even talk to about this. The rest are so gossipy they will enjoy the drama I imagine.

I think he is pretending he wants what's best for us, but I'm not convinced he doesn't just want an easy life. He's an ok father, but not amazing at it. Gets through the day while I'm at work, but always feeds DD crap and doesn't do her hair etc.

I will seek legal advice. He's too unorganised to do it without his Mum. I know she will be the driving force.

For DD I would rather stay in the house right now. He has nowhere to go though and I just can't stand the sight of him anymore.

Why on Mothering Sunday too?

dreading his mother. She has always disliked me because I wasn't good enough for him

You actually don't need to speak to or see her.

It does smack of cheating. He will get a shock if you start thinking about what's best for you and your DD and don't fall in with his plans. Agree with other posters - don't go within 100 miles of his mother.

Can't he move in with his parents/rent somewhere? Just like he seems to be expecting you to do with your DD?
Def stay in the house, get copies of financial records, etc and legal advice asap.

I suspect he's hoping you'll quietly head back to your hometown with your DD and remove the inconvenience of his marriage/family so that he can move his OW in.

Get angry and get yourself a shit hot lawyer - protect your DD

Do not move out of the marital home until you have a proper, binding divorce settlement.

He's not trying to "put you first" ffs, he's trying to minimise his costs and responsibilities.

He has come home all smiles and play with DD. Like he is trying to show how delighted he is? Properly beaming at me.

That's nice for him. Tell him to pack some things and fuck off to his mum's. You need some time to get your head around his bombshell and to start to think about your future without him

Tell him to pack some things and fuck off to his mum's

So right!

I havent been in this situation, but take your time. Yes it would be very convenient for you to pack up and leave.

Agree with kitty, how nice for him. That's way past inappropriate and very close to wankerland.

Also agree to stay in the marital home until you get a fair settlement. Sounds like his mummy is involved and possibly knows you have rights.. .like y'know cos you have a DD together and she'll need stuff, food and clothes maybe. If she thinks a cheque will be enough I hope you'll give her a shock.

Take your time. He needs to leave while you sort things out. I'd do it in a very non-confrontational but firm way, don't be bullied into anything.

Good luck. Sounds like life will be more peaceful on the other side.

His Mum retired abroad. I would love for him to leave, but he'll use family money for a hotel. Longer term he has looked at flats and says we can keep the house for now....
Funnily enough the flats are near where he works rather than this way.

'He says...' - he can fuck off with what he thinks is going to happen. Tell him to go sofa surfing. You need some space now to start thinking about what options will work for you.

Does anyone know on tax credits if when it says partner will being married make a difference? Or is it ok as long as we are separated and he has left?
It actually isn't looking too bad financially on my own. Liveable anyway.

You should be able to claim as soon as he is not living with you. That's how it worked with me.

Is anyone around?

He left an email open to his Mum about how he wishes it could be worked out and I forces his hand etc. I feel so much hatred right now and I can't seem to let it out.

I just wish I had never met him. I hate him.

I think l would email his DM with your version of events...
How this has come out of the blue, you are shocked etc while saying you hope that she will continue to have a relationship with her DGD ( even if you don't men it). You could also say that you think he has his eye on someone at work so that when OW appears she will have the heads up !!!
She will believe him of course BUT their will be a wee bit of doubt.

I would be very factual. You are still reeling from the shock of his decision but now that you have learned that he wants his family to think it was your decision, you are even more convinced he has someone else. Hope to keep things amicable for sake of DD/DGD. Tell her you need some space to come to terms with his decision and his mum should encourage him to respect you and move out.

The lying turd!