Someone shake me and tell me how to get beyond the pain and anger

[hareinthemoon]

Almost two years into the separation after STBXH told me he wanted a divorce. But only a month into finding out that he had set up OW in the wings and made his move the very day he asked for the divorce.

I've tried so hard, reading the books, doing the exercises, I've been in denial a long time (aided by him keeping me hanging "as a friend" - and my own seemingly endless capacity for ignoring what I didn't want to admit), in pain a long time, recently moved to anger (find myself shouting "I hate him!" several times a day). But whyyyyyyy can't I just get him out of my mind?

He's not often with OW (increasing his obsession) but is with her tonight (as if it has anything whatsoever to do with me) and I just can't concentrate or enjoy myself. I'm so angry at the fact that he took all those years of my care and attention, ignoring me, treating me very poorly - and why did I stay? I was a strong, brave woman with a great future when I met him, and I feel like a washed up old shell of my former self, and I am single and I feel that is a life sentence at the moment. And I am so angry at them being happy.

This isn't me!! Why should I care? Part of me knows it's a good thing it's over, and the other part knows even if I don't want it and am suffering it's over anyway, so - please shake me, hold my hand, tell me your best strategies for moving on with your life after heartbreak. (Even if he is a complete loser dickbrain I can't deny my I've been utterly heartbroken.)

Any fantastic stories of finding love again after the age of 53 would be great as well. I know I do need to stop thinking of a relationship as something to define myself by, but I'm just so lonely. (Not helped by having moved and essentially living and working alone - I can go days and days without speaking to a real person).

You are so right. In my case it was longer than that but certainly the past 10/11 years have not been the same, the minute I caught a whiff of the EA back in 2005/2006, my feelings changed. I didnt have 100% proof then , just a few odd texts I saw and a lot of texting going on. It took me finding last year the songs and recordings he had written and recorded to her . I am told it was all 1 sided from his side and "in his head" but you know, I knew something wasnt right at the time , just didnt push it and I never felt quite the same. Its a long time ago but for me, something had died at that point, even without the proof . You know the Carole King song "Too Late" --well I guess thats how I feel. Ive got a good feeling for you but I think it will take you getting to that point of "meh" !! and acknowledging you are mourning something that was really less than you deserved.

I'm in a similar situation to you, just a couple of years on.

Acceptance has sunk in, life has moved on. I also met a lovely man, who I am now married to. We have a grown up relationship with none of the childish games, abuse, blaming, blanking and guilt which was a daily occurrence with my ex.

My ex now is with a woman half his age, who is apparently very cool and hot per my DC

I feel happy and blessed and definitely a stronger person with more positivity in life.

That said, there are days when I do get angry with the lack of fairness in the system. ExH has moved on with lots of women and now settled for this girl. His career has taken off and there seems to be no consequences to him for his actions at all.

It confuses me on the lesson in this for my children, bad behavior still leads to good outcomes??

user is pretty much us.

We were waiting to be given the thing that we expected our dear one, the one we gave our most secret selves to, to give to us. But they had it all themselves, and what they didn't have, they gave to the cat. It's no wonder you withdrew. It's madness not to.

pigs check out the Fair World Fallacy, or the just-world hypothesis.

Disclaimer: just knowing about it doesn't make the longing for it to be true go away. At. All. I'm the absolute worst for wanting actions like those of our exes to have Proper Consequences. But really, in most cases, they don't. And it really really sucks.

And user I have a similar time frame of knowing he was giving (at the very least) his attention to other women instead of to me. Getting to meh will entail forgiving myself for putting up with this for so long. But I will get there. X has said before that he was totally confused as to why I 'wasn't enough' - that's totally not about me. I am enough, more than enough! But nobody is going to be enough for him. That's why he's obsessed with this OW - a normal amount of feeling is not going to be compelling enough. It has to be all-encompassing. On the one hand I've no doubt he feels his feelings as real and true, and maybe they are as well. But OTOH I can also see how the weaknesses and fantasies and fears and projections are playing out here. Doesn't mean it will stop or even go badly (necessarily).

The Carole King is a good song for today. Better than fucking I Know Him So Well anyway. Enough about him!!

Yep if I am honest I want my DH to feel truly truly shit and awful as thats how Ive felt for months but you know what--I honestly dont think he does or if he does he certainly doesnt show it. I think he knows it was wrong and a crap thing to do but I think men compartmentalise and he thinks, "that was 11 years ago, it was a crap thing to do, it stopped and now is no threat" user498 needs to "move on" and accept. Indeed I am sure some women would, but we are all different I guess as to what we can live with, especially when I dont have kids at home to consider. I worry that he is prone to "limerence" whenever he gets a bit lonely or down and not sure I want to go through life being the marriage police. Being honest also, I actually "Like" being on my own.

Yeah being the marriage police sux. Limerence is lovely, that's for sure, but it's a never-ending search. And addictive. And precludes other, deeper forms of connection, which may, after all, be part of its 'charm'.

But I think it's really hard swimming against a massive tide of cultural messages. (Not making excuses).

Limerence is actually an addiction (love addict, anyone?) and it follows that the person with limerence is an addict. Living with an addict is tortuous hell because they're not actually there.

Obsession with them and what they are doing, etc, even if it's in anger or pain, I suppose feels a bit like the shadow side of limerence. Maybe that's why we get so stuck there. It's almost like being in love. Almost.

This morning I had a tiny little sense of a feeling that I hope is going to become much more regular. I felt as if my life was very much better without him. I already knew this, but this morning, for a smidgeon of time, I felt it. I felt that he's been holding me back, that though I'd tried so hard to see his best side and to support him in being the best he could be, he actually didn't want that - only I wanted that for him. He just wanted to be himself, even though he hated and hates who that person is. And even if I never meet anyone else (and I think this is a crucial part of the feeling) I really am better off free of the distraction and emotional dragging and frustration of trying to support him. All of that thinking I did of and for him I can spend on myself to make my life better.

Doesn't hurt that the sun is shining, of course.

Hope you are all ok.

Hare thank you for this thread, I'm sorry that you are going through such a tough time. For me, I've recognised a lot of traits mentioned here in DP (the co-dependancy Mummy issues thing in particular!) and it's really helped. I've had a difficult day with it today, and reading this thread has helped.
Everyone's situation is different, but none of us are alone in it clearly.

Charlies I know, there are many of us. I know reading other threads really helped me.

I am getting better at taking a step back. Today's fuckery: I cam to look after/spend time with the DCs over the next two weeks because he was working, said he'd be working all the hours...he's taken next week off. I'm house sitting for someone so he'll be in the house with them. I said I wasn't happy because I thought I'd be spending time with the DCs in the day. Asked what he'd like to do on Easter Sunday wrt splitting the time with them. He texted to ask if I'd like to meet for coffee and a chat as "this seems crazy".

Inside my head I went utterly batshit at this - for a start, why is it crazy, the way I've chosen to deal with this? Just because it's different to what he wants doesn't make it crazy! Grrrr....I didn't reply right away anyway - sat on my hands for a bit. Eventually texted back, Which part of 'this' seems 'crazy'? He texted back that he didn't know...with a crying face emoticon.

Jesus. The cheek. Everything he's done and he sends me a crying face because for the first time in 20 years I'm not being nicey-nicey and not putting him first. He's not great at much but being a twat is something he is certainly excelling at atm.

sigh today's fuckwittery: he took DD to visit his mum (who is very ill with dementia), and on the way back had to drop off something to OW. He said he was going to put it through the letterbox but rang OW who was "so excited" about seeing DD, DD did not feel she could say no (they - OW and DD - used to know each other before so had a prior relationship). So he's now made it all nicey-nicey between them and obviously feels he's had the seal of approval on this relationship. Which he is still pretending isn't a relationship.

If he wants them to meet and get on, fine - it's the fucking sneaky way he's done it that galls. He rang OW to see if she was around and she asked if DD was with him, apparently - no way was this not planned, and yet he presented it as if it was a kind of happy accident.

He's been telling the DCs that "we are angry with each other" - they know perfectly well why I am angry with them (though not all the details), but when they asked why he was angry with me he said, because I looked on his laptop, which I had no right to do because it was none of my business. DD told him that, given the circumstances, she would have done the same thing, and it was perfectly fair to do so. Maybe this is payback for that. Or maybe he is just so monumentally selfish he doesn't even see that he is using his own child to exonerate his own sense of guilt.

Bah. I'm doubly cross because, prior to this, I was actually getting much much happier. All the advice on the thread was starting to make sense - I am free of a lying loser, and I can make my own life. I was looking forward, and I was realising that it isn't really him I miss - I'm just lonely in my normal life (spending time with the DCs has been great). I will get back to this state, I am sure - just sick of the idiocy that comes from nowhere and throws me off-kilter. Still, I can see it is already losing potency and won't last - this makes me already much further on than when I almost couldn't see any kind of future. So thanks everyone.

Hi all, but specially Hare. My story: XDH left December 2014 for OW. He married her recently. She is the centre of his life, he can't spend 30 minutes seeing our eldest DC 26, living away from home, on his own. Long marriage, and I had no idea, none, that things were so bad for him nor that infidelity was an option. He went in his head before I knew he was leaving, but he drew it out with lies and obfuscation. He was not a bad man, but clearly he was unhappy, and so was I but I wanted to try and fix it, he didn't. So far, so normal.
IME those times when you realise you are better off without them are, to start with, short, but they get longer. In my case, I try to miss the reality, not the fantasy of what I wanted it to be like, but to think about what it was actually like. I put up and put up, because he was going to retire, and we were going to have the life We deserved together after the putting up. And we aren't. It's ok, I think, to mourn that, but it's as well to remember that it was a fantasy.

2+ years on, I know I am better off without him, I understand he didn't give me what I deserved. But of course there are lonely times (there were in the marriage too) and of course it's tough to be on my own, to manage my feelings and those of the DCs. I say yes to offers, I keep busy, I have done things I would never have done with him or to be fair needed to have done were I with him (holidays on my own, for example) and mostly, life is good. The feelings derail me sometimes, but I have a good counsellor, good friends. Oh and at 57, through a hobby I took back up, a new nice man.

People told me it would get easier, and it has. One learns, I think, to accommodate a new situation, and it helps to be determined, as I can tell we all are on this thread, to make the best of it, enjoy what's left of our lives free of unreliable, dishonest fuckwittery.

Theos thank you for a lovely, thoughtful post. I agree with all you've said - but got to "what's left of our lives" and just burst into tears.

Because that's it, isn't it? It feels like at this point I'm just trying to make the rest of the time I have here meaningful - and that entails finding a whole new meaning in life beyond what it has been (which was lots of things but the cradle for all of it was my family). And that's been blown away - such a similar situation to yours in that he'd said he was unhappy, but I thought it was with life and not me, and was clinging on hoping he would get help with his depression - but he'd spent the last few years leaving me emotionally. He's 3 or 4 years into a heart separation that I am six weeks into and I am still finding it hard some days.

(Like today) - yesterday I thought, ok, that's it, he's used DD to assuage his and the OW's guilt, they will see this as approval and I predict that after next weekend there will be a relationship announcement. Just had a text saying he wouldn't be around this weekend (even though the DCs will want to see him) but he will see them on Monday evening (which is the evening before DD goes back to uni). So far my prediction is dead on track - that's not bringing me any joy though.

I do know loads of people, some on this thread, have had it far worse, but today I just keep thinking, six weeks! I've had the facts for 6 weeks and he's telling the DCs I should be over it by now, his life is none of my business. In one way that's absolutely true - and I know that (as Springy pointed out previously) I am struggling to shift co-dependent thinking - but so is he! He has alternately overshared and kept massive secrets and I continually feel off-balance, out of kilter, because everything is changing so quickly, the terrain changes daily if not hourly. And he is ok - because he is so far ahead of me in the separation.

I'm really glad the times of realising you are better off without them get longer. In truth, even though I am upset today, I still really do know I'm better off without him - there is just some residual feeling of - is it ownership? Something like that - that makes me angry and gives me pain when I think of them together all shiny-faced and happy. There is something really galling about how unfair it feels, given how broken I feel my trust-o-meter is now, how little I feel I can bring to or cope with a new relationship.

Yeah. So. Today, just holding on. It will get better.

Yes, it will. It does. I think what you say is spot on, he left emotionally long before he left me, so I was behind the curve, like you. 6 weeks after he left he saw one of the DCs, asked about me, was told I was really upset, and said "What, STILL?"

And I too hated, with a passion, the idea of him being happy with OW. It's funny though, now he's married it feels like he's not my responsibility anymore. I thought I'd feel worse when he married, not better: go figure!

But that's not to deny that it is bloody hurtful, and you have a right to feel hurt. You took your marriage seriously, he has rubbished it, and who wouldn't be hurt and discombobulated by that? Maybe one thing to try is to stay true to your feelings, however he tries to derail you.

I wonder how they square their consciences over the way they treat the children though. And I realise how much I translated the emotional relationship my XH had with them. It's actually rather nice not to have to do that and to own my relationships with the children, which have improved, become more honest and open as his has become less so.

You will find new meaning, but after you've been the balance, the peacemaker, the "I don't mind as long as everyone is happy" person, it's hard, I find, to make choices for myself, to do what makes me happy. And I make mistakes, but then I can decide not to do that again, or to do it differently next time. Well, that's the theory!!

Sorry, didn't mean to write such an essay. Hope you see this, and hope it helps.

It definitely help. Your first post made me cry and your second made me laugh out loud. STILL???

Uh...yeah, mate.

God they are so clueless sometimes. All the lying has really destabilised me but he is so angry when I say I can't trust him and worry about mediation under those circumstances - it's like a little logic gap has formed around anything to do with the marriage.

Funnily, I've had that feeling of thank goodness he's not my responsibility any more - he'd/he's been so depressed for so long, and actually such a moaning negative person who'd failed utterly to live up to any promise or achieve any dreams - and I have had times of feeling very light and clear and free about my own future. It's the up and down nature of the recovery that I find hard now.

And yes, the next step is to stop protecting him from the children finding out who he really is. Translating, as you say. He partly has a good relationship with them because I am continually explaining, understanding - yes, translating, exactly it.

Plus - I have had quite a few moments of thinking, "well, what do I want?" and then thinking, oh, I actually have no idea! So used to thinking of what would make everyone else happy. So I will go ahead and make some mistakes!

Thanks- replies never too long in my book.

*helps, bah.

Oh, Hare, I so get the logic gap. I think once you have been lied to, you look around and wonder.....what else has he lied about? How much of what I relied on and trusted was, in fact, built on sand? And I agree, it makes you (well, me anyway) question any and every thing they now say. But as I write that, I think, well of course-once a lying git, always a lying git. I trusted you because our relationship was built on trust. And now it's not.

My guess is he's angry because that's not his picture of himself, and he doesn't like being confronted with anything that's uncomfortable. I can't speak for yours, but my XH was right, always, and evidence that he wasn't was difficult for him. Better to ignore it, and now he can't do that.

I'd love to tell you the latest example of how mine cannot put anyone ahead of him and her but not on a public forum....let me know if you'd like me to PM you. It's all to do with the children, and now I don't translate between them, I have to watch their hurt. And I bloody hate that. From what you say about yours seeing the children when and if it suits him, not them, and the way he's manipulating them seeing the OW, he sounds all too similar to mine, so I feel for you.
Recovery is up and down, for sure. But look: you recognise there are ups, and that is great. The counsellor I have and I have talked about this, and about, instead of dreading the downs when you are up, celebrate the ups, and know that the downs won't last. I kept a diary, which was hard to start with but has paid off now, because I can go back and see that I have got through tough times, and that they do pass.
I have no idea what I want long term, but I'm having some fun experimenting. Want to join in? What can you do differently over Easter?

Oh yes do please PM me! I have been having a little crying tantrum this morning - and the reasons why are now so tangled it's almost impossible to sort out why I'm crying - it's like a storm that you have to let go past before you can go out and clean the mud away to see what's going on. It shakes you and hurts so much but once it's passed you can try to see what you are reacting to.

I think this morning it's the general unfairness of it all. I have always had a problem with unfairness, from a very young age. I am working on approaches to dealing with it but sometimes it just comes and hits me in the back of the head again. I am looking at a single future even though I think I am a really good partner, and he is going off into his shiny new life (and using DD to facilitate that) - and me commenting on ANYTHING he does precipitates a major tantrum. He's not used to it and the change in dynamic is bringing up a lot of murky shit. Yes, absolutely, the evidence that he is not right, or nice, is very very uncomfortable for him, especially from the person who used to be his principle flag-waver.

Over Easter I'll be with the DCs. What to do differently - hmmm. Maybe we could go out somewhere nice. Maybe we could all do some kind of make a wish for the future thing. I will think more.

Dear hereinthemoon, me too - 56 - together 20 years - found out he'd been having an affair for the last 4. He's not with her though as she is married with 2 small children. That was in December when I found out - the anger and pain was horrendous, weeping and screaming every day, terrible rows and some awful heart to heart conversations, turns out he'd been 'managing my expectations' for 6 years (when he stopped wanting sex with me) but didn't want to break us up because there was so much 'still of value' to him. 6 years when I could have have healed and been in a much better place than I am now at 56. The lack of humanity and selfishness is gobsmacking. Now 3.5 months later I am in a much better place, the anger has subsided and I still cry most days but for much shorter periods and much less violently.

I would say you must get a counsellor - even if it's expensive it will be invaluable. And you should embark on a period (if you haven't already) of reading helpful books, leaning on your friends, writing - whatever it takes to support you through this awful period.

The anger comes when there is simply too much pain to experience, eventually you will accept what has happened and feel something more like grief and loss, which is purer and less awful than anger.

A book that really helped me, but which I accept might be too much for you or just not appropriate at this point (or ever for you personally) is The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle. It really helped me to stop identifying with the pain - it's not the essential you - it's something that your body is going through. You might want to start off with trying some mindfullness if you don't already know about it - this will help you to stop identifying with your thoughts. I won't go on, in case I sound like some mental spiritual healer! - but this stuff really does work - when you are ready that is. At the moment you are in the deep end, so as other's have said - a day at a time, and cry and scream as much as you want, don't fight it or feel you should be stronger - you have suffered a great trauma, but time will heal. Message me anytime. XXX and hugs.

oh *rosa8, your pain is palpable, and no wonder. I am livid on your behalf and on my own at this 'managing expectations'. How dare they assume they are better at knowing what we need or what is good for us than they are? it's such a shocking usurping of our individual agency I cannot see it as anything other than abusive.

X has admitted that he has been monumentally unskilled at relationships whereas I have worked really hard at understanding people and relationships. I think that is the reason for most of the lying frankly - it's the only way he feels he can get one over on me - if I actually do have all the details I know him (and people) so well there is nowhere to hide. So much for managing anything emotional. Ok, if 'managing' means 'lying like a cheap rug'.

I seriously doubt that you could get too woo for me. I am subscribed to Tolle's website though it has been years since I read the book - maybe due for a revisit. I have been reading as much as I can get away with and trying lots of mindfulness strategies, and I agree, it is the only thing at the moment that brings a bit of peace.

The lies, though, are really an assault. Springy told me to read about co-dependency and boundaries a while ago, and I now realise that he has been taking all of the advantages of the co-dependent relationship, with my understanding and insights, while depriving me of the ability to enforce boundaries I have set, using his lies. Because you set the boundaries of what you will and won't accept, but you have no way of protecting those boundaries if you don't know they've been breached. You can't stand up for yourself if you don't know that what you have asked for is being systematically undermined. I find this really abusive, and unforgivable.

This is the time of year when long ago I lost someone I loved deeply. I think what I need to do is to mourn the person I loved, who is no more (though his aged body has been inhabited by a shitbag loser) as if it is a death. the person I loved truly is no more. No wonder DD said he looked uncomfortable when she and OW were talking - so much detail came out that she has been making sense of - so many lies over such a long period of time - and I can see that him wanting to be with OW and the life they are and have been creating, is nothing I could have created for him, and furthermore, populated by people I don't want to be around. He has been moving heaven and earth for her and that really stings, since he wouldn't move his arse cheek to deflect a fart away from me, but in the end I don't want the person he's become and becoming. That person is a fool.

I just want to be rid of this feeling of competing like mad in a competition in which the prize is something I don't want.

Hope everyone has a great weekend.