Someone shake me and tell me how to get beyond the pain and anger

[hareinthemoon]

Almost two years into the separation after STBXH told me he wanted a divorce. But only a month into finding out that he had set up OW in the wings and made his move the very day he asked for the divorce.

I've tried so hard, reading the books, doing the exercises, I've been in denial a long time (aided by him keeping me hanging "as a friend" - and my own seemingly endless capacity for ignoring what I didn't want to admit), in pain a long time, recently moved to anger (find myself shouting "I hate him!" several times a day). But whyyyyyyy can't I just get him out of my mind?

He's not often with OW (increasing his obsession) but is with her tonight (as if it has anything whatsoever to do with me) and I just can't concentrate or enjoy myself. I'm so angry at the fact that he took all those years of my care and attention, ignoring me, treating me very poorly - and why did I stay? I was a strong, brave woman with a great future when I met him, and I feel like a washed up old shell of my former self, and I am single and I feel that is a life sentence at the moment. And I am so angry at them being happy.

This isn't me!! Why should I care? Part of me knows it's a good thing it's over, and the other part knows even if I don't want it and am suffering it's over anyway, so - please shake me, hold my hand, tell me your best strategies for moving on with your life after heartbreak. (Even if he is a complete loser dickbrain I can't deny my I've been utterly heartbroken.)

Any fantastic stories of finding love again after the age of 53 would be great as well. I know I do need to stop thinking of a relationship as something to define myself by, but I'm just so lonely. (Not helped by having moved and essentially living and working alone - I can go days and days without speaking to a real person).

OMG Smoked that's a horrible horrible shock. I was in an earthquake once when I was very small and it is like that - you suddenly think, oh, what is there that is real or true, if even the ground under my feet is not actually solid?

I never, ever thought I would be able to feel (or bear) pain like this and a couple of times I know I've been very close to the edge of what I could cope with (I had to move house last week, not by choice, and it was the first time in 30 years I've had to do that all by myself - including packing up lots of memories etc - that was a bad week!).

Here's hoping it will get better for both of us.

I moved away after we split, not too far but enough to have to make new friends, but I missed my family home
I must say now though that this place is my refuge, I love coming home
No memories, no reminders, it's all mine
Life does move on but when you are in the thick of everything it doesn't seem like it
When he pops into my head I instantly do something to make me concentrate on something else
It's pure hell but my thought is 'don't dwell' - I've also just started counselling and hopefully it will help.
I'm up for anything to help clear my brain of him - practice makes perfect
I'm not in denial anymore, I'm just trying not to be bitter
But it sure ain't easy - Karma and all that

I feel for you and I've been there. Split up with my ex over four years ago after finding out about his affair (18 months before that). I've had a relationship since (which didn't work out) and am now starting to see someone new who I met online. I have no idea where it will lead. I still have bad days. Stay strong.

Sorry to hear this.

My advice about emotions is always "let yourself feel them". So let yourself feel the anger and hate- once you've fully felt them, you'll move on properly, whole and healed. I think most addiction stems at least in part from trying to avoid actually feeling difficult emotions.

I think part of the trick is not to act out of those emotions though, whilst letting those emotions inform your actions by not acting against the emotion either. For example, if you are angry with your ex, don't call him up and scream at him. Equally though, if you are angry with him, don't be friends with him- that would be ignoring your anger, acting against your own emotion.

I suspect part of the reason you are finding it difficult to move beyond anger and hate is because you are forcing yourself to be friends with him, as it's what he wants but not what you want.

So you are acting against yourself and the anger/hate renews. You're not getting a break from him to stop them reoccurring, whilst you probably are starting to also hate/be angry with yourself for ignoring yourself/forcing yourself to do something you don't want to do (and you are perfectly sane/reasonable/sensible in not wanting to be friends- you might want to remain civil out of love for your children- but then, act out of love for them and only insofar as it doesn't involve acting against yourself).

So, what do you want? What does putting yourself first look like? Do that. Then think about what's good for your kids. Don't think about what's good for him at all, just do enough that what's good for you and good for your kids is still possible.

Thanks Phaedrus, I am {finally} trying to do that.

I'm encountering two main problems though - firstly, when you have been with a partner who has been depressed for some time, you get used to that caretaking role in which your emotions take second place (and they get used to it too!) and you push your emotions and needs down so far it's harder to get back in touch with what you feel and what you need. I ask myself, what do I need? And find it difficult to come up with the answer. (I am getting there but sometimes it seems as if a sort of inner compass is a bit broken at the moment). The second thing is making sure I am doing things because they are right for me and not to try to get some sort of reaction from him. Pathetic I know, and stems from trying to control things when I have no sense of security over anything. I watch out for it but sometimes only realise I was trying to manipulate a situation after the fact.

I can see the need for keeping my wants and needs to the fore is what's needed though. "Getting out of his head and into my own" is what I say to myself. A lot.

Sorry to hear you had a difficult day, OP

Take comfort in the fact that you will be a world away from this next Mother's Day. Your life and your outlook will be very different come next March.

Use this time to take stock of all your relationships. It's sad that DD forgot but at least DSD didn't. IMO, the universe is telling you to Start Putting Yourself First. On the bright side, you can now be as "selfish" as you want and if I were you, I'd not longer run everything I want to do in future through the lens of what other people will think about it, how it will affect them. Just think about your dreams and go for them full-throttle.

Out of Africa is one of those films I have never got around to watching. I must watch it as it's a classic.

You could have been me 7 years ago. I found reading this book helped a lot: Leaving Him Behind: Cutting the Cord and Breaking Free After the Marriage Ends Paperback – February 11, 1992 by Sandra S. Kahn .

You really need to stop being friends - he isn't your friend. Its tough, but you have to break free to be happy once more.

Thanks elasta - it is on my shelf! Just a couple of deadlines to clear - a much better day today in terms of work, thankfully.

Thank you flora - I am trying to substitute a dream/vision of myself as very very successful in my field whenever my thoughts turn to him.

I feel exactly the same OP. I asked my ex for a divorce after trying everything to make it work. He treated me like dirt for years. Within weeks an OW came out of the woodwork. I wish someone could tell me when I'll get over the anger. I don't want him back, I just want to stop missing him.

Also - rather brilliantly - saw this first thing this morning:

Should I Contact My Ex? (A Haiku)

No, No, No, No, No
No, No, No, No, No, No, No
No, No, No, No, No

Hahahahahahahaaaaa!!!!!!!
He has contacted me this morning asking for details of when I will be there over Easter (I've made it clear I don't want to see him when I am there) - as it was information I've already given I haven't replied. I am anxious as there is contact, but less anxious as I'm not participating in it. So - progress, if slow and incremental. I will make it.

Nearly, that's exactly the nature of the headfuck - if I don't want him back, if I know what a wankstain he is - why do I miss him? It's not rational or explicable. (Today I am channelling Toyah and singing 'It'th a Mythteryyyy' into a hairbrush)

LOL, OP!

You have a great sense of humour. You're going to be just fine - just about the time his life implodes. He who laughs last, etc

Remember to change his name in your mobile wankstain would be perfect.

Could you go somewhere for Easter alone or with a friend? Is that possible. Just avoid the whole problem?

You only miss him because he's a bad habit you once had. No different to smoking, picking bogeys out of your nose, etc. Even bad, filthy habits can get you in their grip

Remember any bits you miss about your ex unfortunately can't be accessed separately from the entire package. Unfortunately, the entire package is full of deceit, wankery, knobbiness, etc. It makes trying to obtain any good bits not worth the effort anymore.

Ha ha flora he is already Loathsome Loser in my phone!!

Easter in the same area with him is because DD is coming back for the hols (and bringing a friend) - and because X is working a lot I am going to be around to ferry people places (not a great area for public transport). Seeing my DCs is the name of the game. I miss them a lot so I won't want to not spend the time with them iyswim.

Loathsome Loser

I love the word "loathsome" - don't hear it enough these days.

I do see what you mean about the DC. No, you wouldn't and shouldn't miss out on them because of gruesome ole LL.

If it makes you feel better, my EXH also left for OW. After 2 really tough years finalising my divorce and trying to get him out of my life and my head, I met a lovely man through internet dating (e harmony). We have been together for 6 years now and are really happy. Am also 53, so dont give up hope - you will get through this

Thanks elasta it does make me feel a bit better - but for the lingering anger that comes along with him withdrawing sexually for the past few years, and me trying/asking how to fix it - ED being a big part of it and me trying to be understanding - if he'd just been honest or brave I could have been over it faster and having some of the bedsheet fun I have been without (not by my choice). I want to punch him when I think about how he withdrew intimacy and then complained to OW about it, when I was chewing my knuckles but dealing with the frustration out of a misguided sense of loyalty. Now he is a kind of viagra monster and I am still chewing my knuckles. Bah.

And breathe.

I will try not to give up hope, and stories like yours are definitely helpful.

OP, Im almost 60 and Ive been separated for 4 years after 36 years of marriage. To be honest I don't think you can just get over things by using strategies and going out. There is a long process involved and yes going out can help but there is a danger you'll gloss over your pain and you wont to come to terms with things in real terms.

Yes, by all means do things that give you some kind of happiness but don't forget to stand still and face what has to be faced as well.

Its not easy. Its a long and hard road, one that you may think you'll never get to the end of but you will and when you do you'll go on to live a good life on very firm foundations.

I've recently had a big obsession thing for someone recently - it was so about me, not him. I projected a lot of stuff onto him didn't help that he is an emotional seducer

What I'm saying is there are a lot of stands going on in your situation. There's the HOPE of a lifetime together, dashed. That takes some coming to terms with the loss. Though you know he's a loathsome loser, you had hoped he'd come through and you could carve out a solid future together. Didn't happen. He reneged.

Then he's manipulated you /you've allowed yourself to be manipulated (?) to put his emotional needs first. So far, so possibly normal for relationship investment: you put the other first in crucial ways sometimes. Then it turned out he was tricking you, consciously shafting you, betraying you in that deepest way: sexually.

Perhaps you need to grieve what you have lost. How your heartfelt investment was shat on. By a loathsome loser who manipulated you in the deepest way. Vile.

Ime of emotional seducer, above, I'm trying to reframe what is now absolutely clear: that he is a shit of the very worst kind . Bcs I want him to be a good, though flawed, guy who meant well. He so didn't mean well and I have to let go of my hopes; to accept my investment was pearls before swine.

Take heart, all is not wasted. You know how to love - he, however, doesn't. You are not responsible for him, how he conducts himself and his intimate relationships. You aren't his mummy who can teach him by loving unconditionally. Time to guard your heart

That last para sounds a bit pompous - apologies. I have to face my codependent traits sometimes that sneak around under the surface..

Somebody said to me the other day: healing is mourning.

Mrs, thank you. I don't know how I can get over it apart from using strategies. One thing is true, though, and that is that his lies have meant such a gradual uncovering of lies, half-truths and eventual truths (afaik) that I feel like I have had to be going over the same loss over and over again, for years. When I am over it I bloody well hope I am on a good foundation because it will certainly have taken enough, and long enough, to get there.

Springy I don't think it sounded pompous at all. I recognise the codependency traits from the last lot of reading you pointed me to....when I read it I pointed x to it as well and we were clear that we certainly had a very codependent relationship, and yes, the mummy thing was ALL OVER IT. I do believe, if he could have pulled it off, he would have used me as a sounding board for the new relationship(s) (I think he may have settled into choosing just the one for now, but of course I'll never know for sure), used me as housekeeper/nanny, AND used me for sex as well (with helpful Viagra in the wings). I do mourn so many things, including (and I know this is weird but it is very true) the past I wanted to have with him, the past years that I wanted to be good (that had the promise of being good but that he could not get over his past enough to make good). Both of us, in some ways, have been trying to rehabilitate our separate pasts with this relationship, and I want it to be other than what it was. But it wasn't. And I'm mourning it all.

I have to remind myself that I told him a few months after we met that it would say on his gravestone, 'He Meant Well.' I didn't realise I'd be champing at the bit to carve it on the stone myself.

I'm reading a novel at the moment (I normally don't allow this when faced with deadlines, I'm justifying it as Work) called The Broken Book, by Susan Johnson (I'm a bit of a fangirl). It is remarkably and sadly prescient. Good to read.

Hope everyone is ok today, sorry about the shitfaced seducer springy. they seem to be a bit ubiquitous, sadly.

I think a bit like me Hare you are in mourning for the relationship that "was" . I would like to go back to the first 8 years and stay there !! Please dont right yourself off, you are clearly intelligent, kind and sharp and whilst sad, those other things are still there. He can now add "cheater" to the list of things he is!!

Do you know what's really sad, user? For me to go back to when it was really, really good, it would have to be before we were married. And there was only a matter of months of that. I've been living a life of nostalgia for nearly 20 years for something that lost its sheen in a few short months. I'm sure I've learnt a lot, but mostly what I've learnt about is my capacity for fantasy relationships. Sadly.

springy another thing I agree with is the saying, 'how you end one thing is how you start the next.' I am going to be getting on with my life clean, aware, and knowing my capacities. He has lied his way into this relationship, she has bagged a liar and a cheat, and I am happy (at the very least) to be free of that muddy energy. Holding one's head high doesn't help much with knuckle chewing, but it certainly is better to be dignified than in a constant state of waiting for the shoe of the next infidelity to drop.