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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

What if it is actually all my fault

40 replies

Notwittyenough · 25/03/2017 11:34

I have posted before, and not even bothered to name change this time, about my relationship with my husband.

I'm at breaking point, but I'm still so uncertain. I still don't know what I want from here. Probably confirmation, though I suspect I may only believe a certain viewpoint.

I'm going to try to tell this from my husbands point of view, as I feel you need all the information to make a proper judgement.

We have been together 20+ years. In this time I have never given him enough attention. By attention I mean just general paying attention to him - cuddles and kisses etc. But also sex. We argue about this a lot now and have done over the past few years if not longer. I don't really make any effort to change this, or if I do it only lasts a couple of days and then it's nothing. I've been treating him like shit the entire relationship and he's had enough of it.

Many years ago at work I cheated on him (this is his opinion. We were having a rough time and I talked about it to a male friend at work. This friend sent me a letter saying that he thought we should be together. Husband (then bf) found this and believes I had an affair. I felt betrayed by my friend at the time as he was just a friend). Another time I was emailing a guy at work, telling him all about how I was engaged and generally just being friendly. Husband found these and again thinks I was trying to cheat on him.

Anyway we had a massive argument again last night. It culminated from a while ago when I said I thought he was controlling but couldn't give any specific examples. Also because I had to go away for training with work and he was jealous and I just got annoyed with him instead of being supportive. I told him I hated the way he talks down to me all the time like I was a child. He said that if I'm going to do stupid shit all the time I deserve to be spoken to like that. Also he has had to put up with years of me treating him like shit so I can't complain.

I managed to give him an example of him talking down to me. We have a few cats and one of them isn't allowed outside as he can be a bit stupid. But he likes to bolt outside sometimes and has caught me by surprise. Husband often shouts at me when that happens, even if it happens to him too. I told him this and he went mental. Said that he'd just had to pick a dead cat up from the road today and clearly I don't care about any of them being found dead and how I have to take it back or he'll go slit all their throats right now.

Ok, clearly even I know this is wrong to say, but as his anger at me in general for bringing this up misplaced? I care about the cats a lot, and I don't think my not wanting o be yelled at about it diminishes that.

But what if I have been treating him like shit. I don't always give him much attention, certainly not anymore because I don't really want too. But am I just feeding into a vicious circle I need to break.

I don't think I've done a very good job of explaining any of this :(

OP posts:
Thattoldme · 25/03/2017 11:51

You don't sound at all happy. If you think he's controlling, he probably is. You shouldn't need to reel off examples, it's the way you feel. You've been in this relationship for a very long time and it sounds like you've suffered a lot. You sound like you're finding it difficult to trust your own feelings. This is all typical in an abusive relationship.

emilybrontescorset · 25/03/2017 12:00

He sounds very jealous.
What attention does he want exactly and is he prepared to meet your needs too?
It's all very well him wanting more sex but if it's not great for you then your not going to want it are you.
I think you need to be honest with him and tell him what you want sexually and ensure he knows that you need to feel the earth move too.
It sounds obvious but quite a lot of men are drip fed that sex is all about having their wants met. Porn is acting and most of it does not show women genuinely orbasiming.
Sorry if that's tmi.

jeaux90 · 25/03/2017 12:01

It doesn't matter who's fault it is. You both sound miserable. Do you want to go to counselling and try and work on things or do you want to split? I can't conclude that he is abusive from your post but if he is then you should absolutely split.

Mermaidinthesea · 25/03/2017 12:07

Sorry but he sounds massively controlling. Threatening to kill the animals, getting in a rage about innocent letters and emails, demanding attention your full attention, irrational jealousy. It's very childish, not adult at all.
If you want to keep this marriage you need to go to counselling now otherwise it's going to fall apart. Maybe that would be for the best.

category12 · 25/03/2017 12:25

Who the fuck threatens to slit their pets' throats to punish their partner for a mistake? That's not normal. It is common enough however in abusive relationships.

If he is abusive and controlling, which it sounds like he is, relationship counselling together is not a good idea at all. OP, if I were you, I would read up on emotional abuse and absuer types and see what resonates for you. I would also, whatever the outcome of that, start thinking about ways of leaving the relationship, as you sound very unhappy.

TheLastNameLeft · 25/03/2017 12:27

He threatened to kill the cats? wtf?

Aquamarine1029 · 25/03/2017 12:29

Why on earth are you two still together? End this misery now and move on with your lives.

DancingLedge · 25/03/2017 12:30

Of course but here will two viewpoints in any relationship.

But, you stand up to him/ dare to criticise him, and that makes him angry enough to threaten your animals? Doesn't matter if he wouldn't actually do such a thing, because the violence of his words is aimed at controlling you. Big red flag.

NeonGod73 · 25/03/2017 12:39

If you don't do cuddling, kissing and hardly any sex, then how are you a couple? There's no affection between you two. You sound more like arguing flat mates. It must be pretty shit, I would get the hell out of there. Sexual attraction and plenty of genuine affection for each other would make you forget each other's little irritating habits, but you have none of this. You don't love each other. Stop torturing yourself and run for the hills.

frieda909 · 25/03/2017 12:44

Said that he'd just had to pick a dead cat up from the road today and clearly I don't care about any of them being found dead and how I have to take it back or he'll go slit all their throats right now.

This is all I needed to read to be able to tell you: it's not you.

Original poster
Notwittyenough · 25/03/2017 13:00

I didn't want to be the person who posts and never comes back, but I am totally rushed atm so posting on the fly and might not be able to again until Monday.

I have at many times in the past thought he is EA. but then I wonder if maybe I am just so selfish that I am using that as an excuse for my own behaviour.

There are so many things I want to say but I don't have the time. He says he wants to break up. I want to. But if I say that then he'll probably get angry coz I don't think he actually wants to, he just wants me to fight for him. He says how much he loves me and how much he does for me, and how it breaks his heart to get nothing but a selfish bitch in return. And he always has a point that I can't argue with.

OP posts:
BusyHomemaker · 25/03/2017 13:58

If you're worried about how he will react then it might be best to get your ducks in a row first and then leave him with little notice. If he's likely to becoming threatening, aggressive or intimidating in any way then you must protect yourself.

BusyHomemaker · 25/03/2017 14:01

Try not to engage in an argument if you can help it, although I understand too well how they lure you in. Just tell him you don't want to argue and will discuss it another day when you've both had time to think. Try not to give him the satisfaction of winding you up/making you feel uncomfortable/ confused. Good luck Flowers

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 25/03/2017 14:15

And he always has a point that I can't argue with.

You can split up without his agreement. You can hold your own opinion without him validating it. You can leave him without you both having agreed on the reasons. A relationship can end due to simple incompatibility without having to have a bad guy, a good guy and reasons for break up that everyone else in the world agrees would be deal breakers for them.

"I am not happy in this relationship" is enough reason. It cannot be argued with.

picklemepopcorn · 25/03/2017 14:17

He's doing a number on you. Treating you badly and telling you it is your fault. You've seen through him now, so you need to make plans to get out. Don't tell him. He'll argue and prove you are wrong and you'll end up believing him again. Ring Women's Aid for support and advice. Organise yourself, paperwork etc. When you are ready, get gone! Stay safe.

Hidingtonothing · 25/03/2017 14:29

I agree with pickle, I am reading between the lines a little admittedly but some of what you've posted screams EA and that you've been beaten into submission by his criticism and insistence that it's you in the wrong. I also think you should quietly make plans to leave and get some support from WA to do so safely.

frieda909 · 25/03/2017 15:06

Just to echo what others have said, you don't actually need him to agree that he's abusive. I think a lot of women make that mistake. If you think he's abusive and you want to leave then that's that. He will always have another point of view and if you keep waiting for his agreement then you'll wait forever!

Naicehamshop · 25/03/2017 15:10

He sounds horribly controlling and aggressive. Shouting at you, threatening to slit the cats' throats? Confused You must see that this isn't right? Sad

BantyCustards · 25/03/2017 15:20

He sounds absolutely fuckung terrifying.

He's incredibly manipulative, he gaslights, and thus he is controlling.

You deserve far better than this shit.

neonrainbow · 25/03/2017 15:24

He's abusive and you deserve better. Don't worry about what's happened in the past. Think about what YOU want in the future. Do you want to live like this for the rest of your life? If not, then you'll have to end this at some point. Might as well start now so you can be free to enjoy your life without some useless git threatening to kill your cats to keep you in line. That is not normal!

Finola1step · 25/03/2017 15:28

Are there children involved?

PoorYorick · 25/03/2017 15:49

Anyone who threatened to kill my animals would be out out on his ear and no second chances.

Ecclesiastes · 25/03/2017 15:56

So in a nutshell, he wants you to open your legs and shut your mouth?

Sounds like a prince Hmm

OlennasWimple · 25/03/2017 16:18

Even if you are terrible to him (which I don't think you are, from what you have said in your OP), why are you together? Why hasn't he found someone "better" to be with? (Clue: because he has got someone he can treat appallingly, and doesn't want to have to look for someone else in case they won't put up with it)

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 25/03/2017 17:22

A classic sign that you're being manipulated is a constant confusion and sense of guilt over being the bad guy and never quite knowing what the right thing to do is. From that alone (never mind the threats) I'd suggest that you're dealing with a manipulator. That is a game you are not going to win. Ever. And it won't get better or fix itself.

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