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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

What if it is actually all my fault

40 replies

Notwittyenough · 25/03/2017 11:34

I have posted before, and not even bothered to name change this time, about my relationship with my husband.

I'm at breaking point, but I'm still so uncertain. I still don't know what I want from here. Probably confirmation, though I suspect I may only believe a certain viewpoint.

I'm going to try to tell this from my husbands point of view, as I feel you need all the information to make a proper judgement.

We have been together 20+ years. In this time I have never given him enough attention. By attention I mean just general paying attention to him - cuddles and kisses etc. But also sex. We argue about this a lot now and have done over the past few years if not longer. I don't really make any effort to change this, or if I do it only lasts a couple of days and then it's nothing. I've been treating him like shit the entire relationship and he's had enough of it.

Many years ago at work I cheated on him (this is his opinion. We were having a rough time and I talked about it to a male friend at work. This friend sent me a letter saying that he thought we should be together. Husband (then bf) found this and believes I had an affair. I felt betrayed by my friend at the time as he was just a friend). Another time I was emailing a guy at work, telling him all about how I was engaged and generally just being friendly. Husband found these and again thinks I was trying to cheat on him.

Anyway we had a massive argument again last night. It culminated from a while ago when I said I thought he was controlling but couldn't give any specific examples. Also because I had to go away for training with work and he was jealous and I just got annoyed with him instead of being supportive. I told him I hated the way he talks down to me all the time like I was a child. He said that if I'm going to do stupid shit all the time I deserve to be spoken to like that. Also he has had to put up with years of me treating him like shit so I can't complain.

I managed to give him an example of him talking down to me. We have a few cats and one of them isn't allowed outside as he can be a bit stupid. But he likes to bolt outside sometimes and has caught me by surprise. Husband often shouts at me when that happens, even if it happens to him too. I told him this and he went mental. Said that he'd just had to pick a dead cat up from the road today and clearly I don't care about any of them being found dead and how I have to take it back or he'll go slit all their throats right now.

Ok, clearly even I know this is wrong to say, but as his anger at me in general for bringing this up misplaced? I care about the cats a lot, and I don't think my not wanting o be yelled at about it diminishes that.

But what if I have been treating him like shit. I don't always give him much attention, certainly not anymore because I don't really want too. But am I just feeding into a vicious circle I need to break.

I don't think I've done a very good job of explaining any of this :(

OP posts:

NotTheFordType · 25/03/2017 19:13

Said that he'd just had to pick a dead cat up from the road today and clearly I don't care about any of them being found dead and how I have to take it back or he'll go slit all their throats right now.

Christ alive. Anyone threatening my cat would be out of the house already.

What's the situation with your living arrangement? Do you work? Do you have family nearby who might be able to take you and the cats in temporarily?

Original poster

Notwittyenough · 25/03/2017 20:50

I felt sick when he said it.

We have a 21 month DD. And we have 6 cats. I can't take her and all of them.

Otherwise yes I work and earn considerably more than he does. I have nearby family who would help. I'm probably in a better position than he is. Last night I was convinced I would walk out today when he wasn't around - just pack a few things and go. But I haven't, and the more time passes the less I feel able to. I can't begin to imagine the horrors of co-parenting with him. I feel like a bitch for even considering it. I can't just walk out with his daughter. He will never forgive me for it.

OP posts:

ForTheSakeOfFuck · 25/03/2017 21:01

Notice how you describe this. You feel "unable" to leave. You're worried about retribution. You feel scared of the consequences. That's not a relationship. That's a hostage situation. Is that what you want for your DD? Is that the relationship you want to model for her so that she can have the same, or worse? When she's a grown up do you want her to look back and wonder why your fear of him was greater than your desire to protect her?

This sounds really harsh, OP, but you have a top priority - your DD. Then you have a second - YOU, as her mother, protector, and guide. And then he comes in third. The issue with the cats can be resolved and you know it. Don't create obstacles for yourself. Create a series of solutions.

picklemepopcorn · 25/03/2017 21:03

When she is older and thinks relationships like this are normal, and remembers her childhood ruined by being afraid for you, will she forgive you for staying?

Whether he forgives you is irrelevant. He does not own her, or you. He may behave as though he does, but don't fall for it.

You are in a strong position. You can keep her safer away from him. Who's forgiveness will you need if you don't?

Patriciathestripper1 · 25/03/2017 21:11

Wtf would you want to have sex with an abusive controlling arsehole?
You sound totally fed up and miserable tbh, and if I were I. Your position I would be planning my exit.
Of course it's all your fault. Why would it be any of his fault? That would make him responsible for something other than him
Being a total fucking dick,

OlennasWimple · 25/03/2017 21:18

Plan your exit. Arrange to take the cats to the Cats Protection League, or similar, if you can't take them with you.

Make sure you and and your DD are safe and you know where all your key documents (passport, birth certificates etc) are. Prepare to have to leave quicker than you intend. Phone Women's Aid for help

PoorYorick · 25/03/2017 22:07

Otherwise yes I work and earn considerably more than he does.

Then there is absolutely no need for you to shackle yourself with this abusive turd.

I can't just walk out with his daughter. He will never forgive me for it.

You don't need his permission or forgiveness. You say you don't 'feel' that you can leave, but you CAN. He has no hold over you. He has no power that you don't give him. You can leave and your daughter will be better off for it. Do you think he worries about your forgiveness like this?

Regarding the cats, contact Cats Protection. They can arrange foster care.

Gabilan · 25/03/2017 23:16

He says how much he loves me and how much he does for me, and how it breaks his heart to get nothing but a selfish bitch in return

He's abusive scum. Please take the advice on this thread. Contact Women's Aid and run for the hills.

neonrainbow · 25/03/2017 23:41

You don't need his forgiveness. She's less than 2 years old. How long are you going to stay with him to avoid having to coparent?

AcrossthePond55 · 26/03/2017 03:04

You don't need to consider his feelings in this. He certainly doesn't consider yours. Do you really want your DD growing up thinking that this is how a woman should be treated by her partner? That the things he says are normal?

You need to make a plan and then leave. Quietly. If you can't take your cats and you don't trust him to care for them, get them rehomed.

But the first thing you need to do, right away, is see a solicitor with regards to your legal position regarding your DD, your finances, and your home. If you are buying, how do you keep it. If you are renting, do you want to stay and/or what is your position regarding rental liability.

Get that all clarified, make arrangements for your cats, then get out.

Anniegetyourgun · 26/03/2017 05:37

Another 16+ years of this? Fuck that.

Gabilan · 26/03/2017 09:37

I can't begin to imagine the horrors of co-parenting with him

As opposed to the horrors of living with a man who threatens to kill your pets and then blames you for his behaviour?

I feel like a bitch for even considering it

That's him getting into your head. If he were a better man you wouldn't need to consider it..

I can't just walk out with his daughter. He will never forgive me for it

She's your daughter, plural, not just his. And as for forgiveness, you don't need it. You and your DD deserve better than this - no-one should be ground down to this point.

BantyCustards · 28/03/2017 19:07

Please leave this abhorrent piece of scum.

He will reduce you to absoliutely nothing, rob you of everything and leave you a mere shell if you don't.

WombOfOnesOwn · 28/03/2017 19:20

Your husband KNOWS you can't leave with both the kid and the cats. He's using the cats to control you. My guess is, he knew when he let/told you to get the cats that this would happen, and that they'd be little fur ball allies in keeping you under his thumb. Now, you'll be thinking more of their welfare than your own and your kid's, because you feel like he would take drastic action against them.

I have been in a VERY similar situation. Let me talk to you about how I handled it, and how I think you can do this with a minimum of suffering for you, your child, or your animals (which I know are probably very important to you -- any time I have been a victim of abuse, my cats have been my main source of comfort and love, and have kept me from suicide before).

You need to work on getting these animals fostered or adopted elsewhere, one at a time, until you have a small enough number that you can leave with your child. Your husband can be told that the adopted or fostered cat has "run off" or whatever when the adopter picks it up while he is away, or that you took it to the vet due to a health issue and had it euthanized and cremated. Don't prioritize based on which ones are your favorites -- prioritize based on which are most adoptable. Keep the ones for yourself that are least likely to find another home elsewhere.

Once you have just two or three cats remaining, you should be ok to start looking for a place. Even a place that says it will only allow up to two, you can often get a third in and no one will be the wiser.

You need to leave this man. Do not, under any circumstances, acquire any more animals until this is done. If he gives you a kitten as a gift this is a common tactic if an abuser who uses animals senses that you may be able to leave with your current number of pets find some reason to refuse it and take it back to where it was obtained.

RunRabbitRunRabbit · 28/03/2017 19:21

I can't just walk out with his daughter. He will never forgive me for it
If you don't your daughter might never forgive you for it.

There are plenty of people like me on here that have little contact with our parents.

You can tell your children you love them but if you make them live with an abusive cunt of a man, well, one day they wake up and realise that you can't have genuinely loved them at all. Actions speak louder than words.

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