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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

She's made her choice. She didn't choose me.

43 replies

Glenoxo · 24/03/2017 11:21

Hi all,

For those who may have seen my previous threads, I've been going through a tough time recently. After catching my wife having an affair I gave her an ultimatum: choose the job she has now, working alongside the boy she had an affair with or choose our marriage and the continuation of our life with our four chidren. (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2874455-Am-I-being-unreasonable)

Last night I got my answer. She chose her job.

I thought I'd be handling it better now. I've suspected this was the route she would go down and thought I was preparing myself for it well. I was wrong - I can't stop sobbing. I even broke down in front of the childminder when I dropped off my youngest, who himself was crying because he wanted his mummy. Trouble is, so do I.

I never really understood what heartbreak feels like until now. I feel abandoned, rejected and betrayed, all while still being in love with the person doing the rejecting. I didn't check out of our marriage; she did.

I'm hoping I get better quickly. I got through this morning by pretending I have a cold, but that facade won't work in front of my kids for long. It's going to be a horrendous weekend.

Any advice?

OP posts:
Paperdoll16 · 24/03/2017 11:34

Oh goodness, I remember your thread. Valentines night stood out the most.

I think from an outsiders stand point it was clear this was going to be the outcome (from the way she continued to behave after you found out about the affair). Howver, I also believe that although you are hurting so so so so much right now, she will get her karma.

Honestly, this little twerp of 21 (was he that age or even younger??) is not going to want to take on the responsibility of FOUR children. He's not thinking about a long term plan, only whatever their ridiculous office affair has entailed. It certainly does not include his income being spent on stepchildren and all the stresses step families bring. Perhaps he's told her he will stand by her but watch this space!!! She will be left begging for you to take her back; the loving, considerate husband who collected four children from four different locations on his way home from work whilst she went for drinks with her just out of teen lover!!

Spend time with your closest friends and family, take all of the suppprt you can. You will get through this, I promise you. My father lost his wife (my mother) when we were children and he brought us up (if you end up having main custody) doing a bloody good job!!

Big hugs to you, glen.

debbs77 · 24/03/2017 11:44

Oh goodness, this must be hard. Time will heal you, just be kind to yourself in the meantime xx

BatSegundo · 24/03/2017 11:59

I'm so sorry; you sound like a lovely person, i remember your last thread. You have just experienced a massive loss, so please be kind to yourself. Focus on the practicalities for now. Do the children know? Will it just be you and them this weekend?

wherearemymarbles · 24/03/2017 12:04

Very Sorry to hear this. But better the heartache now than a long drawn out death by a thousand cuts.

You can begin to move on. It will get better. You will manage. You will cope. You will realise you are better off without her. Just not right now, maybe tomorrow or next week or next month.

Sassypants82 · 24/03/2017 12:33

I'm so sorry you're hurting. Keep busy, focus on the children & pour your energy onto those who deserve your time & attention. Let it out when you need to.

I have no doubt you'll look back at this period, eventually, as the start of a new life for you & your children. You're doing amazingly.

Flowers
beansbananas · 24/03/2017 12:33

She sounds so selfish... how could she walk away from her family under these circumstances? But at least you can now try to move on from this betrayal. How old is she? A 20 year old man is not going to be able to support her through this. She is delusional!

Original poster
Glenoxo · 24/03/2017 12:55

He's turned 20 in January. I don't think she sees him as long term material at all; she knows it'd never last. He's just not me, though. And even if he wasn't there any more, she thinks she still wouldn't be able to look at me in the same way again, that she can't give me the relationship I want, need or deserve.

While I tend to disagree, I obviously don't know this woman like I knew my wife and the mother of my children.

OP posts:
Stripeymug · 24/03/2017 13:15

can you go bowling or cinema with DC this weekend? Keep busy and active.

Fwiw she is a fool, you sound great

Original poster
Glenoxo · 24/03/2017 13:20

Thanks, @stripeymug! I'm definitely going to do things with the kids; Science Museum perhaps, or the seaside if the weather's nice. Just need to stop sobbing while they're around, that's all!

OP posts:
hellsbellsmelons · 24/03/2017 13:24

I'm so sorry this was the outcome.
But she is right. You deserve far better than a cheat who won't put her DH and family first.
Will you be resident parent?
Will you stay in the house and her leave?

For now just take it one day at a time but you will need to get practical at some point.
Let us know when you are ready and we can help you.

FatOldBag · 24/03/2017 13:24

I'm so sorry for you being so sad at the moment, but I'm really pleased for you that this honest decision has finally been made so you can move on. It will feel a lot better as you come out of the shock and confusion and change of it all and you look back on it with real perspective, unclouded by the feelings you're going through right now. You honestly don't want to be with the person she really is, you want t be with the person you thought and wished she was. You will feel so much better in time, you just have to hang in there through the hardest bit. x

user1488723505 · 24/03/2017 17:26

I was in your position 3 weeks ago. All I can say is get through one day at a time. I cried every day, so much that I would end up vomiting and the heart pain was like a real acute agony of its own. Don't be afraid to cry in front of your kids. Real men cry and it's ok. I am just starting to move from the pain to the anger ( I'd like a shotgun right now) and it's a relief from the agony. Every day gets a little better I promise.

OldLibrary · 24/03/2017 18:06

Feel for you. But this is honestly for the best.

Mine stayed, but I think under sufferance, and now over a year on I wish he'd just stayed away.

Some people are really awful, and have no regard for the consequences of their actions. The havoc they wreak is truly awful.

At least you gave your children, gives you a reason to be strong, and not hanging out in trackies sobbing..at least not all the time!

c3pu · 24/03/2017 18:47

It'll be ok, just not in the way you thought it would be.

pocketsaviour · 24/03/2017 21:05

So sorry OP. It's okay to hurt and grieve and cry.

I also don't think it's bad for your children to see you cry. And to explain "I'm very sad because mummy and I aren't going to live together anymore. But it's the best thing for everyone, and both of us love you all very very much."

My parents always tried to pretend everything was totally normal when they had one of their (frequent) splits and it just meant we couldn't trust anything they said.

Does it sounds like you are going to end up the resident parent? I remember on your previous thread she was talking about getting a place in a houseshare.

SandyY2K · 24/03/2017 22:34

Glen,
I'm sorry you're hurting so much. I'll message you and we can talk.

SleepingTiger · 24/03/2017 22:44

This is the start of the rest of your life.

It is so heart wrenching that you think it is the end.

But it isn't. Make every piece of homework that you check with your DC's count, make every potato you peel for them count, remember the reflection of every rock pool you look into together also count, as if it is the negative of a photograph from a filmset that you would want on everybody's wall, and make every £1 you save towards Christmas presents count. In the way you want them too.

Because, the times you have yet to come are the best years of your life. You just don't know it yet.

If you cannot believe me, just trust me.

Angrybird123 · 24/03/2017 23:02

I remember your earlier threads. I'm so sorry and there's nothing any of us can say that will really help right now. I sobbed on my wonderful childminder many many times when ex did the same to me. Now though, two years on...not so much. I am RP and do 99% of everything for the DCs..it's relentless and stressful but i do it..every single day and night I do it all alone and it works. The three of us are a unit and it works. Time to get your big boy pants on, get legal advice and real life help and support. stop wondering about her and him and why and what if. It doesn't matter. (I know you will but in daylight hours, with your kids, don't). Onward, maybe not upwards but forward at least. It WILL get better and you CAN do it.

Howlongtilldinner · 24/03/2017 23:14

sleepingtiger what a lovely post!

glen heartbreak/heartache is physically painful. The despair is dreadful, and you think you will never feel 'normal' again. I can assure you that you will. It won't be easy, that's for sure, but you will get through it. Just take each day as it comes, and be kind to yourself.

I wish you and your children much happiness Flowers

PaterPower · 25/03/2017 02:01

Good luck Glen. It does get better, and you are better off without her.

Coconut70 · 25/03/2017 02:18

hello, I remember your last thread, you sound like a lovely, caring, sensitive man. I know you are hurting so much just now but please don't take her back if it ends with her boychild.
The pain will ease over time and eventually you will meet someone who is decent, kind and loves you for the lovely man you are.
selfish is an understatement to describe her cruel behaviour, please try and put your shutters up to her to protect yourself.
I am married to a lovely, gentle, sensitive man who is a great father as you are. I look forward to hearing you in time meeting a lovely lady who appreciates you, you deserve so so much better than the crap your wife is giving you. all my love xxx

Catherinebee85 · 25/03/2017 02:47

I'm so sorry she's done this to you. My betting is that some point in the future she will see that the grass isn't greener but essentially she has voted with her feet.

Please don't be afraid to cry. Your emotion needs to escape. Do you have people to talk to in real life? If you really can't get a handle on your emotions and especially if you can't sleep please see your GP for some support.

Come and vent whenever you need to.

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 25/03/2017 03:20

Sending you support, you sound like a great dad and a very decent man....look after yourself too in all of this....lean on friends and accept support....no one person is an Island......all the very bet my lovely x

Kevinbaconsrealwife · 25/03/2017 03:21

*best

ChrisYoungFuckingRocks · 25/03/2017 03:25

I am so sorry to hear this. I haven't read your previous thread, I shall do so now. I know this is hard to hear, but if this is the type of woman she is, then you're better off without her. We are all here for you if you need a shoulder (or 100 shoulders) to cry on.