She's made her choice. She didn't choose me.

[Glenoxo]

Hi all,

For those who may have seen my previous threads, I've been going through a tough time recently. After catching my wife having an affair I gave her an ultimatum: choose the job she has now, working alongside the boy she had an affair with or choose our marriage and the continuation of our life with our four chidren. (www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2874455-Am-I-being-unreasonable)

Last night I got my answer. She chose her job.

I thought I'd be handling it better now. I've suspected this was the route she would go down and thought I was preparing myself for it well. I was wrong - I can't stop sobbing. I even broke down in front of the childminder when I dropped off my youngest, who himself was crying because he wanted his mummy. Trouble is, so do I.

I never really understood what heartbreak feels like until now. I feel abandoned, rejected and betrayed, all while still being in love with the person doing the rejecting. I didn't check out of our marriage; she did.

I'm hoping I get better quickly. I got through this morning by pretending I have a cold, but that facade won't work in front of my kids for long. It's going to be a horrendous weekend.

Any advice?

Glen, you're well shot if her.

I'm about as feminist as they come, and deplore that it's seen as more natural for women to be natural mothers, etc. But, silver linings, imagine how utterly ridiculous this pitiful delusional excuse for x chromosomes is, and is going to look to anybody.

You're going through a tough time, and there's probably going to be some more before it gets better. But it does get better! I promise you. Let the wise women cheer you up.

KOKO

My ex husband left for a (just) 20 year old at work, he's 39. The pain was physical, I didn't know how I'd cope. Do you know what though? I did. I'm far more capable than I ever have myself credit for and I'm now happier than I've been for a few years.

Turn to your friends and family, mine were all amazing. It will hurt, some days unbearably, but you will make it. Take it one day at a time. Good luck!

I didn't see your original thread but just wanted to add my sympathy. My eldest son is 20 and neither he or any of his friends would be in any way mature enough for a Mum with four children.
Not the same thing at all but I was suddenly and unexpectedly widowed last year. It is a different kind of pain, obviously, but I have coped much better than I would have imagined. You will be ok though it doesn't feel like that now.

Hi Glen, 12 days ago I found out that my 50 yr old H was having an affair with a 30 yr old colleague. We're going for counselling and trying to make a go of it, (22 years of marriage + 5 years before that). I do wonder how I'll cope not being able to trust him, always wondering if he is really working late. I know that I could provide a decent home for the DCs, My eldest DC is in the middle of A levels, and I agree with the poster upthread who advocates the sticking plaster approach.
I'm so sorry that she's done this to you, my H gave me a red rose and card on Valentine's day, then went for a date with her. It hurts. Today, you can take a step forward, away from all of that pain and hurt. You will be fine and each day is a small step in the right direction.

You could have grown cold, but you grew courageous instead.
You could have given up, but you kept on going.
You could have seen obstacles, but you called them adventures.
You could have called them weeds, but instead you called them wildflowers.
You could have died a caterpillar, but you fought on to be a butterfly.
You could have denied yourself goodness, but instead you chose to show yourself some self-love.
You could have defined yourself by the dark days, but instead through them, you realized your light.

I remember your previous thread and TBH while it may not feel it now you're well rid of her. The way she acted and the way she treated you was truly awful. She's been astonishingly cruel and self centred and you deserver far far better.

Hold your head up high, accept the situation and move on.

I hope that when you're ready you find someone who respects you and treats you well.

This pain you are feeling now is a defining moment.
This was never going to end as 'cut and dried'
She did not want to re-commit to you but was never going to have the gumption to end it officially for whatever shitbag reasons.
The refusal to leave the job is your first step on the ladder of closure. She's closed the door.
It's about you now, the children, then you.
As long as they feel loved and secure, they are a lot more adaptable than we give them credit for.
You've got this

Divorce is tough on men when it was not of their choosing. A poster above has put it very well. Make the time with your kids count....they need you right now more than ever. Be strong for them. You are the same person before this decision was made by your wife as you are now. You don't have to look into yourself to see your faults or shortcomings.

Good luck mate....the first year or so will be tough, toughest of all on your kids when the only home they know will change in ways they will find it hard to comprehend. It will get easier for them and for you, I promise. Your confidence will return once you adapt to the inevitable changes coming your way. You will find happiness again.

#noego I love that

Glen, some lovely advice and kind words on here for you, I am so sorry. Take strength in your beautiful kids and live the best way you can, for now, for them. Best wishes.

I read you're previous thread OP and I'm so sorry. I'm afraid it sounds to me as though your wife is just immature - and that makes for behaving as selfish, impulsive, short sighted, needy and vain. By contrast I think you've shown immense maturity (more than I might have mustered in your shoes!).
I think it shows you have a strength - and it's probably what attracted her to you in the first place.
All you can do now is deprive her of your company - and that's what you should do. Keep contact to an absolute minimum - just family practicalities - by text or email.
All the wise MNer posters here (hats off to them!) can see that your wife is heading for a fall - not least because she is in an immature relationship with someone so young that it can only be fanciful to imagine their partnership coping with the responsibilities of parenting young children.
There are only two things you can now do - (1) Feel bad and (2) gradually feel better. So don't try to rush phase (1) and you will get to (2) in good time.
And there are lot of well wishers here for you OP for as long as you need. Good luck!

Hi, i had to leave a comment because this post really is inspirational, well you are. The way you talk about your wife, so respectfully and obviously with love is a clear indication of the kind of man you are, the kind of husband and father your wife is foolish enough to loose.
Even now after all she has done, disrespecting your marriage, your family, your lives you still havent bad mouthed her, thats comendable and shows your strength of character. I've read your other post too and i can say 100% that i would not have been so gracious, so thats the first....wow youre amazing.....for you.obviously i dont know your wife but if i had to describe her actions i would use words such as selfcentred, disrespectful, uncaring and cowardly, all very unattractive and despicable qualities. I dont know you either, but if i had to describe your actions and behaviour so far i would simply use the oppposite of the words i mentioned above. Yep here's my second.....wow you really are amazing.
I know its hard to see anything positive about yourself when someone you love and build your world around hurts you in such a cruel way, but others,including you children, can see it. The way in which she has treated you and your lives together is disgusting but that really is more of a reflection on her flaws than yours.
There is always two sides to a coin, we are all aware of that. Maybe she was unhappy or unfulfilled. Maybe the hum drum of normal life took its toll. Maybe she just didnt feel the same anymore but none of those things are worthy of her behaviour. She made a commitment to you, her children your lives together if something changed for her she should have adressed that with dignity and respect. She chose not to, thats her weakness, but your strength.
You know how much this will hurt and you are probably just begining to comprehend the changes to you and your life as a consequence. Unfortunately thats not your choice, it is hers and that makes it harder. I can tell you know with 100% honesty that nothing is permanant, the way you feel now is temporary. It will take time and courage (both of which you clearly possess) but i can promise you now, you will survive this. Your life will be different but it will be filled with the love of your children and you will own a new sense of worth. When you come out the other side of this you will realise how much you have achieved. Please be kind to yourself and take one day a time. Prepare for the bad days, because they will be there. Enjoy the good days, because they will get better each time.
You really are quite amazing.

I wondered how you were doing.
You WILL get through it, one day at a time.
Many of us have been where you are, it will be a roller coaster of emotions.
But you will come out the other side.

It is really hard and painful but now you know the truth.

This is the first step on the road to one day getting over her and moving on.

All the time left in limbo you just carried on hurting and couldn't start to heal.

Dude. Find your dignity, self respect and anger. She has treated you like a complete piece of shit while you have been bending over backwards to forgive her and convince her to stay. I've seen it referred to as the "pick me" dance. It's time to stop putting her first and concentrate on yourself.

I'm so sorry to read this thread having caught up on the others, but not surprised. My sister did the same after going back to work and finding her identity other than a wife and SAHM mum (although he was much older. And rich).
I am in a similar position too, my 45 year old STBXH is still with the 25 year old OW 7 months after we split. He chose her and never tried to make us work again. He is acting and dressing like a teenager and it's pathetic. There were traffic cones in the house when I went there last week
It's so hard to forge forward with a divorce and house sale that you never wanted. I've spent the last few days in tears again and reading the comments on your thread about how your marriage is dead has made me reflect on mine. You've a tough road ahead but from how you come across I think you will be just fine. Good luck

Glen I'm so sorry for what you've been put through,she's made her choice now you make yours!

Start living for you and your children again,you all deserve to have a wonderful life and you will get there,it will bloody hurt there's no denying it but once you start finding your way through out the other side life will start to feel better,alot better than you ever thought it could.

Surround yourself with those who love you,those who will make you laugh and smile again and those you can cry on when you need to and you'll find your way

Is she perhaps having some sort of breakdown? I have a DH and 4 children and whilst things aren't always perfect between us, I could never in my wildest imagine risking everything I have for a 20 year old!

Hi Glen, I remember seeing one of your threads a while ago but haven't spotted any in a while.

I am sorry to hear you are so upset. It clearly shows that you had gotten married for the right reasons. But if your wife disrespects you as she does- is she even the woman that you married?

I would really question whether you are in love with the idea of her or the real-life version of her.

Short term, focus on your children. You will be sad, any relationship breakdown is sad but you can take joy in knowing that you are an excellent father.

Please do let us know how you are getting on.