Does weekly commuting/working away from home work?

[pollyanna]

my DH wants us to move away from London while he keeps his existing job in London. Because the home counties are so expensive and you get alot more for your money further out, we were thinking of living in Somerset/Wiltshire. He has suggested that he wouldn't come home every night (as it would be a v long commute), and would stay in London say 2/3 nights a week. I am concerned that I would be too lonely ( we don't have family in those areas) or it would be a strain on our relationship. I would like to move to the country, but not at the expense of my marriage.

Does anyone's partner work away from home every week? If so, what are your experiences of it?

we did it for a year and now we live together again (for the last 2 months anyway) I didnt mind tbh because I knew eventually we would be living together. But now my husbands company is closing down and although he was offered a replacement job elsewhere within the company he didnt take it. So now he is looking again and it looks like he may have to travel again although we are trying to avoid him working away for several nights at a time. Will you be moving close to family? I think this could make a difference. If not it depends whether it suits you or not. I did get quite lonely. Also I think the kids started to notice more as time went on, because they were angels for me when I was on my own but when daddy came home of a weekend it was attention seeking time.

I suppose it depends on the pros and cons for you

I know AussieSim is in the same predicament too.

Thanks. We wouldn't know anyone in the area we moved to, and to start with I wouldn't be working either. It does worry me as I'm not really outgoing and take a while to make friends. On the other hand, I am happy with my own company too.

I was hoping my dh would look for a job in Bristol - but this would take a while I think.

well in that case. I would still say it might to suit you it might not. I dont know anyone here where we have moved to. And also I dont work either. I dont feel lonely though as I like my own company, plus I come on here to 'chat' alot of the time. I dont think too much time apart necessarily puts a strain on your marriage. It depends what kind of a relationship you have. Me and my husband were very reliant on each other before and now I think because we have spent more time apart we appreciate each other more and it has , most probably, made us stronger.

Dh has been working away during the week for he past two years - our dd's are 5 and 4. It does very much depend on your relationship as to whether you can make it work or not.

Strangely it's not the expected things that have caused the most difficulty - missing DH / daddy, wondering whether he's out having a bachelor life while I spend my evenings putting the children to bed, making my own food, dealing with the washing / ironing / cleaning and finally sitting down to rest at about 10 - but the others. In particular I think dh feels a bit excluded from the relationship with the children, because they will always defer any questions to me / ask me for help etc etc. Also perhaps like the stereo type of divorced parents, weekend ( +daddy) is when we have all the fun, and during the week is when we are stuck with bitch mother from hell who tells us to do the boring stuff, like tidy up, brush our teeth etc etc, and is very grumpy.

We're actually going to be reunited and actually live together again later this summer - and my overwhelming feeling (as it should be) is being pleased at that.............. but I'm sure there will be another period of readjustment of the family dynamic, and I'm not looking forward to that!

I don't mean to be remorselessly down, but please don't underestimate how much of a burden this will place on you - it really is like being a part time single parent. And I had family close by to do things like babysit so I could go to aerobics / evening class etc.

Whatever you decide - good luck

Gumdrop it certainly takes some getting used to, living together again!

The nature of dh's job means that sometimes he he can be working away for months on end, only coming home at weekends and at other times he's around and working from home a lot.

Honestly, it's much better when he's at home and we're a family. I put up with him being away, but it's nicer when he's here.

The downsides are that it's difficult to go out in the evening unless you have reliable available baby-sitting (I don't) There is no-one to help share the school and nursery run, so working becomes difficult unless you can arrange after-school or childminders etc. It's horrible when the children are ill - both mine had chicken pox one after the other whilst he was away.

And lastly, he hates being away all the time, despite living in hotel luxury and eating and drinking gourmet meals. In fact sometimes he'll do a long commute (3 hrs each way) so that he can get home to his own bed.

I hadn't really thought of the disadvantages from dh's point of view - ie that he would miss the children and feel excluded.

Do you think you would feel more positive about it if your partner was away only twice a week?

My dp used to spend sunday night to friday night in London and only come home at weekends. It was disastrous for our relationship, but I think that was partly because the children were so young - 2yo ds and then dd was born into this arrangement - so it really was like being a single parent, but with daddy coming home at weekends to disrupt things and be fun dad in contrast to grumpy knackered mummy. How old are your children Pollyanna?
2 or 3 nights a week probably wouldn't be too bad, except that if you have moved to a completely new area you may miss him far more than if he was away for 2 nights from your current home, IYSWIM. You need a good support network around if you're likely to be alone much more than that, I would have thought.
TBH, I think it really depends on your own relationship, because resentments build up very easilly in these situations - feeling like he's having a fun bachelor lifestyle while you're doing the donkey work. But on the plus side(and especially if it's only for 2 or 3 nights) - you get the good side of being a lone parent and being able to slob about and have toast and jam for supper, watch what you like on telly and have no-one moaning if you're on the phone or mumsnet for hours! And you might find the time you have together is more precious "quality time". It really could be whatever you make of it, if you're aware of the likely pitfalls, and he realises too.

It doesnt work. My dp has a daily 1.5 - 2 hour commute each way into London. He gets up at 05.30 and isnt home until 8pm (if the trains are running on time, usually they're not, they break down, often has to stand the whole way or be forced to sit in a smoking carriage). He'll have his tea, sit and watch telly until midnight as he cannot bear to get home, eat and go straight to bed which is really what he should be doing due to the early start. He doesnt want to stay in London overnight either as all he is then doing is getting up, going to work, staying late, going to hotel and the cycle starts again the next day. At weekends he is so knackered he stays in bed till midday, I amuse children all saturday as he needs some 'me' time then sunday he is just about ok until evening time when he gets depressed about the following week. As the children see him so rarely he finds it difficult to strike a balance with the constant 'will you play with me' as he feels obliged to do so when he would really rather just sit in the garden and chill. The children also follow him constantly when he is home from the bedroom to the toilet, kitchen, lounge etc etc. He isnt given a moments peace as they want to make up for not seeing him and he gets irritated by their constant presence. I quite understand why you might want to move out of London but you need to be realistic about exactly how much of a commute is feasible.

it's very difficult. Dh is up 5am on a Monday, and we often do not see him until 9pm Friday, when he is tired and needs 'looking after', and lots of tlc. If he does come home mid-week it will not be until 8.30pm, have supper, and then it is 11pm and we're both too tired to talk or do anything anymore. We have been doing this for four years, and it does get easier, but weekend are hard because he wants some time out, the children are desperate to have time with him, and I just carry on as normal.
We made a list of pros and cons, and there were more pros, but do not think it will be bed of roses. Expect to be like a single parent, and when he is home, don't expect him to take over.
ON a positive note, dh LOVES working and is happy - although he occasionally suggests we move closer to London (we are 2 hours each way), and I won't because I am a selfish cow! (and that is a whole different topic!)
Good luck whatever you do - you might enjoy having lots of girlie nights in to have baths, read, iron, clean, pay bills, etc, and be on mumsnet without him asking what you are doing!

Where do you live Trifle? What length commute do you think would work?

I think you have all answered my questions - it seems it would probably make us and the children miserable. I already think that he is obsessed with work and staying in London during the week would allow him to be a complete workaholic. It is him that is really driving the move out of London, and I suppose the answer is for him to get a job out of London first (or for us to win the lottery so we can buy a weekend bolt hole somewhere!!).

pollyanna, I agree with a lot of what the others have said here (in particular Gumdrop). My dh commutes from Bristol to London every day, so doesn't see dd during the week (unless he gets a day working from home, but then he doesn't have time to take her to school or pick her up either). I'm never sure what time he'll be home, so that's difficult to plan a nice dinner together, and I do feel like a single mum! I get to do all the 'bad cop' stuff, but obviously I also get to share all the fun with dd during the week, which dh misses out on. He is a bit out of sink with us at the week-end and tends to over compensate with dd by being 'too soft' IYSWIM. While I'm itching to go out at the week-end and do stuff out of the house, he wants to stay in and potter about... Very hard to strike the right balance. I do like my own company so don't feel lonely, but that can be a problem too as he sometimes interrupts my quality time on my own!!! I wouldn't recommend it to be honest. But you have to see what's best for you. What kind of job would he be looking for in Bristol? It can be a difficult market in some areas.

He is a solicitor, but in quite a specialised area, and not many jobs come up out of London at his level. tbh he doesn't see the children in the evenings anyway (and he is about 35 minutes from his office here) so nothing would change there, but I quite like to see him! But he does take ds to school at the moment and he wouldn't be able to do that if we moved.

What time does your dh get home in the evenings Frenchgirl? I suppose I could cope if mine was home by 9 each night, but I wouldn't want him going off at 5.30 in the morning (mornings are hellish in our house!).

Just wanted to a positive "daily commute" story -

DH commutes daily into London, getting up at 4.30am, leaving house at 5am to get the 5.15am train - has to be at work by 7am. We live 1.5 hrs away.

He gets in at any time - ranging from 7pm (VERY GOOD DAY!) to 10pm, depending on trains. He LOVES going up to London - I wouldn't move anywhere nearer as the way things are : we have the London Salary, but get more "house for our money" living here.

Once he's eaten at home, 90% of the time he's contacted by phone/email if problems occur - and as they are so busy and have a shortage of staff then he often works on his laptop at home (works for an International investment bank in the City - he's an IT Manager).

At weekends, he's up and about with the kids, taking them out on his own to park/soft play etc and makes a real point of spending time with them.

It's not hard now that my kids are older, but when I had 3 under 4 - baby screaming, tired kids, getting dinner ready etc etc then it was b**dy hard work and it used to get me down a lot

You'd soon adapt to mornings on your own

I have a military operation in place now - DH has NEVER been around in the mornings since we've had kids - and I have to say when he's off, he disrupts my whole schedule and so we end up rushing about.

Polyanna, we live in theory 40 minutes train ride away from Waterloo but the reality is dp has to get the 06.30 am train just to get on it and if he's lucky he'll get a seat. He's forever stuck at Waterloo due to some technicality and the tube strike tomorrow is another hitch in an already long day. I forgot to mention that dp has never been able to come to any plays that ds1 has performed in at nursery, nor checked out any infants schools to decide which is best or seen any of the nurseries so I've had to make all the decisions with regard to their education on my own. Ds1 had a serious accident last year which meant me rushing him to A & E. Dp couldnt get there obviously and that was when I really needed him. If I want to go out during the week with my friends I have to hire a babysitter as I cannot guarantee he will be home on time. It would only work really if your dh could work 4 days in London and guarantee to be with you either fri or mon or negotiate working from home on that day.

on a good day pollyanna he's back at 8.30pm (rare), usually between 9 and 9.30pm. Tonight for instance boss called meeting at 6pm for all staff and I don't know if dh on a train or still in London (normally phones from Paddington but sometimes... forgets!)
I don't know the situation for solicitors' work in Bristol, but for dh, in PR, he had a few interviews but the job always went to a 'local' girl who'd been working at the 'local' paper!!
Also remember the enormous transport bill if commuting!

Thanks for all the advice everyone. I think it confirms my doubts about moving out - we will just have to live in a very grotty bit of London.

However, I told dh about all the advice on this and he still wants to try it! We are renting out our house from the 18th July, so I might try renting out of London for the school holidays (I've also been phoning London Letting agents for September).

Pollyanna, make sure that you look at what the train commute is like, not just how far you are geographically out of london. I know that sounds obvious but there really are huge differences between seemingly comparable areas. For example, we live in North Wilts, in the middle of beautiful countryside, and dh goes into Swindon station to commute to london every day. Because it is an intercity line, it only takes 55mins to London, and trains go every 15 mins. It also isn't crowded, has OK coffee etc on board, and he can work at his laptop, make calls, read the paper etc. It is expensive though. However, if we lived 5 miles the other direction, he would have to go to Chippenham, which takes an hour and a half into Paddington and there are only 2 trains an hour. So you have to wait longer for trains as well as them taking much longer. And they are smaller more crowded commuter type trains as a rule. So three ways to get more stressed!!

My dh commutes in every day. He leaves the house at 7.30 and is in the office by 9.30 (Mayfair). It would be quicker if he left earlier. He is home between 7.30 and 8pm almost every day. He wouldn't do it if he was still in the City because getting from Paddington across town takes a while longer. He is an ex-lawyer, now a banker, so still works intensively, but runs his own business so can arrange his meetings to suit this civilised timetable. And fairly often has calls in the evening, but nothing too disruptive.

I could cope if he was away 2 nights a week, but I would hate it if it was any more - what is the point of being married if you don't see them? But I must say I don't hold much truck with people that say "when he gets back for the weekend he needs "me" time to wind down after his hard week"...??!! Sleeping 4 nights a week in a lovely bed uninterrupted by children and socialising with who you like? What is to wind down from?! If you go down that route make sure you make it clear to your dh that it is YOU who will require tlc and lie-ins on the weekend!

There are good jobs in Bristol for most specialisms (I'm a solicitor too, worked for 10 years at one of the big 3 and have a lot of ex-colleagues now at OC, BS etc) - I also have a friend who is a partner in a big firm with an outpost of Reading - which sounds horrific but actually he gets very good work there and lives in a lovely bit of Berkshire... worth thinking about.

Renting over the summer sounds an excellent idea. Why don't you try that?
I must say having been confirmed Londonites for ages, I love being in the country now, and wouldn't go back. DH feels the same, although he was dreading the commute - actually it is fine.

If you want any info

Same here PPH.

DH commutes into London daily - gets into Liverpool Street then a walk around the corner to his offices in the City.

Last weekend, we were staying in Mayfair and he said that there is no way he would commute into London if it involved trekking across the other side of London. Took ages plus 1 line change to get from Liverpool Street to Green Park.

... let me know!

Dino, I know a corporate partner at one of the big 3 who lives in london in the week and goes back to wife and three kids in east anglia at the weekend. he has been sleeping with his assistant for several years now. but then I think he would probably have been sleeping around if they were still in Fulham... he is that kind of guy. eughh. I'm sure your husband is not, pollyanna!

Pph thanks for the advice (nice to see a more positive view!), my dh works near Oxford Street, so he wouldn't have a huge trek across London. I have got a copy of that commuterland book and that gives some guidance about times into London. It is a bit daunting really - have to do alot of research before we can even think of moving (and haven't even thought about schools yet...)

I have started looking for somewhere to rent and we'll see how that goes. Like you pph I don't really want to leave London - it is dh driving the move, but I want to see what it is like.

I don't think dh would have an affair if we were apart - he would just never leave the office and become an absolute workaholic.

pph, I'm a solicitor too - stopped a couple of months ago - but might want to go back at some stage, so it would be good to be near Bristol. My ex - boss commuted from Swindon for 20 years - it has finally got too much for him and he is buying a flat in Notting Hill to live in during the week. (he stays in his club now if necessary!).

Pollyanna, just to add to what PPH said, it might be worth looking into the areas around Castle Cary and Westbury. My train knowledge of that area is out of date, but there used to be a lot of trains on that line, and it was quite fast into Paddington (about 90 minutes from Castle Cary). The station there is right in the middle of the country, with a nice little market town a few minutes away.