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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

DH setting our bedtime

74 replies

North79 · 21/03/2017 13:08

Hello first time posting and NC because it was too identifying. I would like to hear if i am in the wrong or not. DH is quite a light sleeper - i am not. the last few months his job has gotten very stressful and he has not been sleeping well to the point it is affecting his health - physical and mental. He is in for 9 and home by half seven, eight or later and often has to work evenings and weekends emailing at home. He is always tired, sleeps in till quite late on weekends, and has to rest sometimes during the day. we have two dc's one at school and i do all the pick up and drop off - recently stopped working but looking for job. i do 90% of cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping and other domestic stuff apart from garden which DH also wants me to help with and ironing which MIL does for him (i do rest). anyway DH has said in order to manage his stress at work etc he needs to go to bed at 10pm - we have argued a no of times already because i dont go to bed earlier enough for him and i keep him awake etc so i sleep in a different room but even then i keep him awake if i dont go at the same time as him. so during the week he wants me to go to bed at 10pm and at whatever time he chooses to go up on the weekend. a few weeks ago he got really cross because i came up at 10.20pm so i promised to go up when he does. often he goes up at 9 and has a bath winds down etc. so i potter and go up for 10ish. Last night i only got to sit down from bedtime routine and cooking my dinner at 9.15 so i didnt want to go up at ten despite my promise. i went up at 10.30 but managed to drop something on our wooden floor and apparently woke him up so now he is cross and says he needs to sleep at 10 and he cant keep having this conversation. i feel like every once in a while he said let it go if i want to go to bed a bit later but i dont think he can accept this. am i wrong? was i disrespectful to not stick to the bedtime he has asked me to follow?
sorry for the long essay but i'd really appreciate others' perspective as i can't work out whats reasonable

OP posts:
JoeyJoeJoeJuniorShabadu · 21/03/2017 14:46

your DH clearly has some mental problems. and he's a knob.

bowtieandheels · 21/03/2017 15:07

It sounds like he needs to manage his stress better, exercise, meditation, breathing techniques....anything that will help him cope better rather than stressing you out too! It sounds like he's mostly a good DP but in this instance I would say he's being selfish .

TheFlis12345 · 21/03/2017 15:55

How can you possibly be disturbing him that much if he wears earplugs and you are in a different room??

Original poster
North79 · 21/03/2017 16:21

Thanks bowtie and welsh and others in a similar vein. I can see the consensus and will push back and look at some of the suggestions made. I really appreciate the advice

OP posts:
HelenDenver · 21/03/2017 16:22

You are in another room. This is bonkers!

reup · 21/03/2017 16:30

When he has lie ins and day time naps - do the rest of the house have to be quiet too? Or is it just bedtime?

Naicehamshop · 21/03/2017 16:45

OMG.

I have never said this on here before, but tell him to FUCK OFF.

He is trying to control you op, and is borderline abusive in my opinion. I'm sorry he is suffering from stress, but he needs to deal with it, and not take it out on you!! Angry

Original poster
North79 · 21/03/2017 17:02

reup no we aren't quiet in the day - I might go out for a few hours but otherwise normal noise levels
naice I might not use those exact words but like I say I'll push back.

OP posts:
RubyWinterstorm · 21/03/2017 17:50

This is not normal OP

He needs to figure out a way to handle his stress (no work msiks at night, or even changing jobs. Doing a bit of exercise, meditationor yoga, and relax a bit about relaxing)

When I had stress and sleep problems (and getting myself wound up thinking: "now I'll only get 5 hours sleep!" "Now only 4!" Etc, I really benefited from learning that any human can functionnormally on 4 hours sleep. Yes, more needed long term. But the odd night if only 4 hours will mean you can still function normally.

This knowledge meant I stressed less about lack of sleep.... and I ended up sleeping better Smile as I stressed less about lack of sleep.

He cannot be horrid or dictating to you though!

Parker231 · 21/03/2017 18:08

You don't need to push back for a later 'bedtime ' - he can go to bed when he wants, and you whenever you want. You're not children with a set bedtime. Tell him to grow up and sort himself out!

StewieGMum · 21/03/2017 18:13

Being stressed at work isn't an excuse for being a jerk. And it's not your responsibility to make his life perfect. Demanding you go to bed at the SAME time in a different room is controlling behaviour. He is an adult who needs to take responsibility for his own health by seeing the GP about stress and it's impact on his sleep. Not treat you like a 3 year old.

TwitterQueen1 · 21/03/2017 18:14

Whatever time you go to bed will not fix this issue OP, and the more you try to accommodate his demands, the worse you will both feel. He will find something else to stress about and you will become more stressed yourself.

Your DH needs professional help with his anxiety.

Original poster
North79 · 21/03/2017 18:40

i'll think about what you've said stewie and twitter - thanks. :)

OP posts:
Ginandpanic · 21/03/2017 18:49

If his job is making him so stressed that the entire contents of the house have to be totally silent from 10 pm then he needs to talk to his manager and hr. He is being utterly ridiculous and if he is usually a nice guy then this is really worrying.

If he is using this as an excuse to make a big show of him being the only bread winner and trying some awful tactic to make you get a job then he is still being ridiculous.

You can go to bed when you want op.

happypoobum · 21/03/2017 19:22

He sounds really controlling - this is ridiculous. You aren't even in the same room and he wants to tell you when you can go to bed???!!!

I would tell him to get over himself.

Aquamarine1029 · 21/03/2017 19:26

He's being ridiculous. I would get him a noise machine to help him sleep.

Smurfy23 · 21/03/2017 19:41

I can sort of see where hes coming from. My DH works shifts- sometimes hes not home til 1 or 2 in the morning and Im a really poor sleeper who cant get to sleep if I know he'll be turning up at some point. Bottom line is though thats my problem, not his.

He is being VU to do that. Hes not your parent and the entire household does not revolve around him or his sleep patterns. It sounds like hes struggling with the stress and anxiety of work and is taking it out on you (presumably because he feels theres nothing he can do about it). Doesnt excuse it though. Id have a talk to him- at the weekend- about how this was unfair and how to tackle the root cause of it

Joysmum · 21/03/2017 21:05

Foam earplugs are crap. Go to an audiologist to have mounds made for custom earplugs.

Joysmum · 21/03/2017 21:05

*moulds

Patriciathestripper1 · 21/03/2017 21:11

Tell him to fuck off.
You are an adult and can go to bed when you want,
You are his wife not a baby who has to be put to bed at a certain time.

Original poster
North79 · 21/03/2017 22:12

No major discussion tonight - DH has been very nice, no pressure, he has tidied up etc but I am tired and have a cold so am going to bed! I will tell him he's being ridiculous when I need to. And thanks joy another suggestion I'll look into.

OP posts:
Joysmum · 21/03/2017 23:44

I got mine made at a place in Orpington. They provided a list of my nearest places to have the moulds fine buy that was up to me to make the appointment and pay for.

mummybean21 · 21/03/2017 23:53

I think he needs help with anxiety but also to understand it's the quality of sleep that matters most, not the quantity. Getting wound up will effect it because he'll be laying in bed dwelling on why he's awake and not on relaxing to get to sleep.

OverthinkingSpartacus · 22/03/2017 00:11

If he's such a light sleeper that even when wearing ear plugs, you reading in a seperate room wakes him up, how on earth does he he sleep through normal household noise on a weekend morning? Wouldn't the normal noise of DC wake him up?

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