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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

DH setting our bedtime

74 replies

North79 · 21/03/2017 13:08

Hello first time posting and NC because it was too identifying. I would like to hear if i am in the wrong or not. DH is quite a light sleeper - i am not. the last few months his job has gotten very stressful and he has not been sleeping well to the point it is affecting his health - physical and mental. He is in for 9 and home by half seven, eight or later and often has to work evenings and weekends emailing at home. He is always tired, sleeps in till quite late on weekends, and has to rest sometimes during the day. we have two dc's one at school and i do all the pick up and drop off - recently stopped working but looking for job. i do 90% of cooking, cleaning, washing, shopping and other domestic stuff apart from garden which DH also wants me to help with and ironing which MIL does for him (i do rest). anyway DH has said in order to manage his stress at work etc he needs to go to bed at 10pm - we have argued a no of times already because i dont go to bed earlier enough for him and i keep him awake etc so i sleep in a different room but even then i keep him awake if i dont go at the same time as him. so during the week he wants me to go to bed at 10pm and at whatever time he chooses to go up on the weekend. a few weeks ago he got really cross because i came up at 10.20pm so i promised to go up when he does. often he goes up at 9 and has a bath winds down etc. so i potter and go up for 10ish. Last night i only got to sit down from bedtime routine and cooking my dinner at 9.15 so i didnt want to go up at ten despite my promise. i went up at 10.30 but managed to drop something on our wooden floor and apparently woke him up so now he is cross and says he needs to sleep at 10 and he cant keep having this conversation. i feel like every once in a while he said let it go if i want to go to bed a bit later but i dont think he can accept this. am i wrong? was i disrespectful to not stick to the bedtime he has asked me to follow?
sorry for the long essay but i'd really appreciate others' perspective as i can't work out whats reasonable

OP posts:

sniffle12 · 21/03/2017 13:46

I think the real issue here is his light sleep (likely compounded by his stress) rather than you.

My DH comes to bed around 3am. I briefly stir but fall right back asleep; likewise he stirs when I get up at 8am but then falls back asleep. The reality is even healthy sleepers stir now and then during the night - perhaps a car passes outside, they're sleeping awkwardly and the body needs them to readjust, you need the loo/a drink etc. Healthy sleepers will still feel tired enough to drop off again.

Has he seen a GP at all?

Adora10 · 21/03/2017 13:47

So essentially OP, his needs trump yours; so not normal.

ArriettyClock1 · 21/03/2017 13:47

You don't even sleep in the same room and he wants to dictate to you what time you go to bed?

This is completely ludicrous. Why are you allowing him to control you in this way?

Original poster

North79 · 21/03/2017 13:47

thanks hellsbells and zap - i will look into both of those. :)

OP posts:

FetchezLaVache · 21/03/2017 13:48

I understand you're worried about his health and consideration for others is a necessary evil part of a relationship, but if you're sleeping in a different room and he wears earplugs and you STILL wake him up, then at some point it's just tough shit. He's probably anxious and therefore can't fall asleep if he knows you're still up, but that's his problem for him to deal with. As others have said, he has no right to dictate your bedtime. I enjoy pottering round the house after everyone else has gone to bed and I would resent it to fuck if anyone told me I wasn't allowed...

Original poster

North79 · 21/03/2017 13:50

i might try suggesting sleep disorder and GP - thanks.
Adora - not usually but right now within reason i do think so

OP posts:

category12 · 21/03/2017 13:50

He needs to learn to cope better. It's unfair to expect another adult to go to bed so early, especially when you're using another bedroom.

What on earth will he do when the dc are older teens, dictate to the whole household their bedtimes for ever?

It's his problem. I would be sympathetic about his stress levels, but he needs help with those in other ways, not demanding everyone tiptoes round him. Perhaps a trip to his gp.

swingofthings · 21/03/2017 13:52

So essentially OP, his needs trump yours; so not normal.
Well his need is an essential one, nobody functions without it. OP needs to come to bed whenever she feels like it is not so vital.

I agree that it is his issue, without a doubt compounded by the stress of work, but if anyone has a miracle remedy, besides giving up the job, do please let me know as I could do with it (and yes, I do already exercise actively, eat healthily, don't drink coffee nor alcohol, don't smoke, and do try to meditate!)

Ginkypig · 21/03/2017 13:53

As long as your not being noisy and disruptive like sass's dp for example when you go through later then what's his problem!

He needs to put things in place like ear plugs keeping door shut etc

The only thing you need to do is keep the disruption to a minimum which it sound like you already do! (Apart from the one example of dropping something) For a start he's already kicked you out your own room so how much noise can he possibly hear really?

Oh and sorry sass to use your dp as an example.

Original poster

North79 · 21/03/2017 13:55

arietty - that's sort of the question i am asking myself - and seeking advice on.
i agree fetchez - hearing other people say it helps :)

OP posts:

Gatehouse77 · 21/03/2017 13:55

Nah, sorry but fuck that for a game of soldiers! It's called being a part of a family to do some give and take, make compromises, etc.

I'd probably agree to a couple of evening concessions but, shit as it is, his sleep issues need to be addressed by him within the context of the family environment and not by changing things to an unrealistic setting that can't be achieved long term.

Adora10 · 21/03/2017 13:57

OP, this is a joke, you sleep in another room, and he wears ear plugs but yet still complains; you better try some magic dust that transports you above the floor then but probably even then you'd wake him.

The amount of credit and adoration you are giving to him re his sleep is a joke, sorry.

welshmist · 21/03/2017 13:58

Hubby goes to bed at 10pm he used to nag me to come to bed at that time, what and lie in the dark I thought wide awake, no thank you. He is a lark I am an owl, we had quite a few arguments until I said that he was not my Dad. What you could do to help, is put on your night things, brush teeth, all the things that you do before going to bed. Then all you have to do is slip between the covers when you come up to bed.

I think he is redirecting his stress about his job towards you. Being the only bread winner may be exacerbating this. My hubby cannot sleep without the tv being on timer, the news which drives me nuts but I know if I turned it off he would immediately wake, so I just turn it down a bit.

I also have my tablet and watch/listen to Netflix with earphones in if I cannot sleep which does not disturb him. I close the cover so that the light does not disturb us. You do need tricks to help you sleep sometimes.

xStefx · 21/03/2017 13:59

Gosh OP your going to be walking on egg shells soon (and that will still be too noisy for him). I understand he is stressed with work but if his job means that you and him have to live like that then I suggest he cant handle his job and to leave and find a new one.

I would hate to live like that its not reasonable at all.
He needs another way to manage his stress level.

franke · 21/03/2017 14:01

I think I may be alone here but the problem as I see it is his job. The long hours and stress it's causing mean that neither of you have any quality of life. Cleatly he is incompatible with this job if it has such an impact on family life. Is there anything that can be addressed in terms of working hours? Start looking for a new job?

Original poster

North79 · 21/03/2017 14:11

Sorry - i should've mentioned that he is looking for another job - hence me feeling it is short term...
but in the immediate term i will push back and all your comments will help to do that.

OP posts:

sassandfaff · 21/03/2017 14:12

No problem ginkypig

xStefx · 21/03/2017 14:14

The thing is P, it can be the start of a cycle.

If you start agreeing to ridiculous things because he gets angry then what will he ask next? What will he be angry with next?

I would have nipped it in the bud, not entertained the idea so he knows that you wont stand for that kind of behaviour.

I think getting a new job would be best, as they say "if you cant stand the heat then get out of the kitchen" and he certainly cant.

Good luck OP

KingLooieCatz · 21/03/2017 14:15

Blimey - he can swap with mine and realize how lucky he is!

DH works shifts, night come around every couple of weeks. We live in a 2 bed flat so no upstairs/downstairs and no spare room. And we have an 8 year old with ADHD. DH very much appreciates the effort involved in letting him sleep through the day at weekends. Much shooshing, stumbling in the dark and staying out the flat for as long as possible.

gillybeanz · 21/03/2017 14:17

tell him to get stuffed, who does he think he is?
It sounds like he can't cope with his job tbh, it gives him no time with you and he's hardly a family man.
please stop trying to please this man, what does he do to please you and the dc?

Autumnsky · 21/03/2017 14:18

Lacking of sleep is horrible, my friend's DH can't sleep very long each night due to work stress, and GP can't help either. He really think of retiring earlier if his company doesn't let him reduce responsibility, my friend said she has to go back to full time working if DH goes down that route.
I agree with some post, the most important thing is to find ways to help you DH to cope his stress. Can he reduce some work load?

ShuttyTown · 21/03/2017 14:18

If he's that stressed at work I suggest he speaks to his employers to get something sorted. Needing to go to bed at 10pm every night without fail and 'rest' throughout the day is ridiculous and he can't make you live by his rules. Does his need for 'rest' coincide with when some housework needs doing by any chance? He sounds like a twat

alltouchedout · 21/03/2017 14:19

I think he has a responsibility to seek help for his difficulties. Insisting on you going to bed (in a separate room!) at a time that suits him and only him is not reasonable. Making a huge issue out of an accidental noise that wakes him is not reasonable. What will he demand of your dc as they get older? Does he seriously think his preferences have to determine the way the whole family lives?

Trust me when I say I get what it's like to have sleep issues, I get being very tired and doing long hours in a demanding job, I get the frustration when you're woken by someone just as you drop off. I honestly do. That still does not mean it is everyone else's responsibility to tiptoe round me. My needs do not supersede everyone else's.

Mummyoflittledragon · 21/03/2017 14:27

I have ME and am easily woken. Dh and I sleep separately because of this. No way would I tell him a bed time. Hes a night owl. He doesn't turn the landing light on and keeps to TV quietish. He is not that quiet going to bed. Your dh needs to relax more. Or take some melatonin or 5htp, which also helps with sleep.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 21/03/2017 14:33

i heard ear plugs work quite well.....

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