Husband emotionally cold towards the kids

[Jessie1980]

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Today 07:31 Jessie1980

Hi there
This is my first post, I hope.it won't be too much of a ramble! I really don't know what to do. I've been married for 6 years and together for 8, we have a Ds 5 and Dd 3, both great kids. People always comment on how well behaved they are, polite etc.
When Ds came.along I'm sure I had pnd but didn't recognise at the time and so just got on with it, had a horrendous labour and had felt terrible after it all. Anyway, dh found it difficult too and I was told he didn't 'get' babies and they were alien to him so because of that I didn't expect anything from him, I got no emotional support and if he was left in charge of them he'd just go for a.walk so they were in the buggy, or go out in the car. I always wondered was it so he didn't have to interact with them.
Anyway I let it all go and thought it would all be fine when they were up and running around talking. They are 5 and 3 now and if anything, it's gotten worse. He has a low tolerance towards them, he is constantly at them to say please and thank you if they forget just once (they are good at saying it) and the most recent is if they say 'i won't as in a drink or something, he bellows 'its not want, it's I would like'! But everywhere we go to family etc, they are asked, what do you want to.drink, what do you want to eat. I can see it being confusing as to why they aren't allowed to say this word they have been taught but everyone else is!
He never praises them or offers encouragement, he only started telling them he loved them a few.months ago after me questioning him as to why he didn't. If they try to tickle him, they are told he is not ticklish and to stop it as it's annoying. He never comforts them if they are upset, he never apologises to me or them. He hurt Ds but running into his heel with the buggy when we were on holiday and cut him, blamed Ds for it who was in front and didn't see him! He was crying and his father just stared at him with a blank expression and I asked was he not going to apologise and he just glared at him.
I could go on all day. Dh works away for 6 weeks at a time, he's just home 1.5 weeks and I have had.enough of it all. The kids certainly aren't.babies now.so what is the issue. He is more loving towards me and the dogs and he gives the impression the kids are an inconvenience to him although he tells me.thats rubbish.
I have told him how I feel yet again last week and how I'm not willing to put up with it any longer. He won't see any sort of councillor and doesn't see any issue with our marriage or the way he treats the kids, looks at me like I'm making it up when I list what he does or doesn't do to them.
He won't talk, I.am.met with a brick wall or like I am attacking him when I try to talk.
He has however started making more of an effort with the kids since I talked to him. He greets them in the morning and actually speaks to them rather than walking past without even a hello. He has stopped being on their backs for little things and yesterday I came home from work (I work from home but work away 1 day a week) yesterday and found they had made pancakes (he has never done this before).
So he is trying but he won't talk and he has just said I want to change who he is as a person and if I'm not happy it's my choice if I want to leave. Like there is.no.fight to save our marriage. He says he feels I have rubbished all he has done for us as a family over the past 5 years and is sad to think I don't want to be with him.anymore.
I feel enormous guilt now for making him.feel like this. I can't help but feel the effort he is making with the kids will be shortlived as we have been here many times before and I feel I have a lot of resentment towards him.that has built up over the years. I do love him and I believe he cares for me and the kids. He provides financially and would do anything for us but is not there emotionally. I just don't know what I want to do from here.

Thanks in advance for any replies!

Username: Jessie1980

Subject:

Husband emotionally cold towards the kids

Message:

Hi there
This is my first post, I hope.it won't be too much of a ramble! I really don't know what to do. I've been married for 6 years and together for 8, we have a Ds 5 and Dd 3, both great kids. People always comment on how well behaved they are, polite etc.
When Ds came.along I'm sure I had pnd but didn't recognise at the time and so just got on with it, had a horrendous labour and had felt terrible after it all. Anyway, dh found it difficult too and I was told he didn't 'get' babies and they were alien to him so because of that I didn't expect anything from him, I got no emotional support and if he was left in charge of them he'd just go for a.walk so they were in the buggy, or go out in the car. I always wondered was it so he didn't have to interact with them.
Anyway I let it all go and thought it would all be fine when they were up and running around talking. They are 5 and 3 now and if anything, it's gotten worse. He has a low tolerance towards them, he is constantly at them to say please and thank you if they forget just once (they are good at saying it) and the most recent is if they say 'i won't as in a drink or something, he bellows 'its not want, it's I would like'! But everywhere we go to family etc, they are asked, what do you want to.drink, what do you want to eat. I can see it being confusing as to why they aren't allowed to say this word they have been taught but everyone else is!
He never praises them or offers encouragement, he only started telling them he loved them a few.months ago after me questioning him as to why he didn't. If they try to tickle him, they are told he is not ticklish and to stop it as it's annoying. He never comforts them if they are upset, he never apologises to me or them. He hurt Ds but running into his heel with the buggy when we were on holiday and cut him, blamed Ds for it who was in front and didn't see him! He was crying and his father just stared at him with a blank expression and I asked was he not going to apologise and he just glared at him.
I could go on all day. Dh works away for 6 weeks at a time, he's just home 1.5 weeks and I have had.enough of it all. The kids certainly aren't.babies now.so what is the issue. He is more loving towards me and the dogs and he gives the impression the kids are an inconvenience to him although he tells me.thats rubbish.
I have told him how I feel yet again last week and how I'm not willing to put up with it any longer. He won't see any sort of councillor and doesn't see any issue with our marriage or the way he treats the kids, looks at me like I'm making it up when I list what he does or doesn't do to them.
He won't talk, I.am.met with a brick wall or like I am attacking him when I try to talk.
He has however started making more of an effort with the kids since I talked to him. He greets them in the morning and actually speaks to them rather than walking past without even a hello. He has stopped being on their backs for little things and yesterday I came home from work (I work from home but work away 1 day a week) yesterday and found they had made pancakes (he has never done this before).
So he is trying but he won't talk and he has just said I want to change who he is as a person and if I'm not happy it's my choice if I want to leave. Like there is.no.fight to save our marriage. He says he feels I have rubbished all he has done for us as a family over the past 5 years and is sad to think I don't want to be with him.anymore.
I feel enormous guilt now for making him.feel like this. I can't help but feel the effort he is making with the kids will be shortlived as we have been here many times before and I feel I have a lot of resentment towards him.that has built up over the years. I do love him and I believe he cares for me and the kids. He provides financially and would do anything for us but is not there emotionally. I just don't know what I want to do from here.

Thanks in advance for any replies!

Jessie

The time has now come to put your children properly first now before the two of them become further emotionally harmed by their dad.

He is very much a product of his own dysfunctional upbringing and shows no self awareness or even any basic willingness to at all engage emotionally with his children. He is messing them up big time now and you cannot afford to sit on your hands any longer. He has created enough damage already.

You have a choice re him Jessie; they really do not.

Jessie

Re this part of your recent comment;-

"We were away with a friend of mine and their kids. The girl 5, had her legs sprawled over him and sitting on his knee etc, I couldn't help but watch with disappointment for our own daughter watching that".

I recently read an article on emotionally absent fathers re this point and I thought you would like to read the now adult woman's response below (she is from the US):-

"As a girl I longed to be Daddy’s little girl. My dad was a salesman and a good one. He was sort of like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde when we were around other people. My mom and dad had couple friends that they would invite over for dinner on occasion. One of them had a little girl that was a few years younger than I was. I am not trying to be mean or vindictive but she was not a pretty little girl. My dad would pick her up and put her on his lap and be so sweet to her. I would look on and wonder what was wrong with me. I would go into the bathroom and look at myself in the mirror. All I would see was me, I did not know if I was pretty but I thought I must not be because Daddy does not think I am.

Over the years I have had great difficulty in relationships because of my relationship with my dad. I never felt worthy of anyone’s love and would bend over backwards trying to please men to get them to love me. I was needy and hurt easily which was not a recipe for success in relationships. I set myself up to be hurt with men that were just like Dad because that is where my comfort zone was.

I spent a lifetime doing everything I could to win Dad’s love and approval. My brothers were doing the same thing except that after awhile they became angry and had nothing to do with him. They were seeking his approval and I was seeking his love"

That will be your daughter 20/30 years from now particularly if you do not manage to get yourselves well away from their emotionally absent dad.

Not surprised at his upbringing. A self absorbed (and abusive) mum and distant father was exactly stbxh family circumstances.

If you add in Aspergers or extreme left brain thinking you can end up with someone like your husband.My stbxh has black and white thinking, it has to be right or wrong. Nothing inbetween but young children don't operate like that, they are learning and make mistakes.

I would not discuss AS with him since he will believe you are trying to control him as well as feeding into his inadequacies. which will cause him to pull away further. To him he is 'right' so you are 'wrong' to correct him.