Red flag or no?

[Princessmollygolly]

Quick sense check please?
I have had one date with a guy on Happn (another OLD app for the uninitiated!) He messaged me, we had a couple of really good jnjtjal chats as we have a specific shared hobby/interest. He seemed very keen which I was slightly careful about as find the coming on strong a bit offputting when you haven't met them. We arranged to meet for a drink, he was pretty accommodating of my schedule (single mum so had to arrange it quite carefully with babysitting etc. I was upfront about that from our first chat btw, I've learnt it's the best way in OLD.)
So we met, he was cute, nice, articulate, we had a load to talk about. All great. Had several drinks. He was pretty upfront that he wanted to see me again. Saying he's never dated anyone with a child but he's happy to make a go of it. (He's 36 btw if that makes any difference?!) But then he started saying "There are a lot of guys online who will just want to sleep with you and then leave because you're a single mum, but I want to date you and get to know you". At the time I was a bit like like it seemed that he meant well but it was an odd comment. I did jokily say that to him right after. It's stayed with me, the whole "I'm not like other guys" thing (I'm not that naive!!) and the fact that he said that.. it just doesn't sit well with me. He's sent some lovely messages and seems very keen proposing date 2 but having thought about it I'm still not comfortable with his comment about basically guys wanting to use and then leave me as though I should be grateful he "doesn't" want to do that!?
Or could he just be clumsy...
Any views?

Sick0f well done for closing the door for him.
When they say the don't mind the age it's already a proof that they do, otherwise why mention it?
Usually words come out of the mouth because of the thoughts...

After my cancellation text he thanked me for letting him know.

I cut someone from my life because I was bargaining respect for sex, no matter how much it still hurts me. Won't allow people like this to come closer at all :)

I hope OP didn't give him a second chance.

My stbxh made a comment about my age when we met, nothing major but I was slightly older than him.It stuck with me as I felt it was to knock my confidence and make me feel time not on my side.

Otherwise he was so attentive that I stupidly ignored it and realise it was an attitude that came over and I should not have ignored it.Now going through high conflict divorce.

Your instincts gave you a clue and honestly I would trust them as it's an early warning signal that we are fortunate to have.

What's the downside of binning him now?
You are too fussy and miss out on the best man in the world?? Really unlikely given other things you said about him.

But if you weren't a single parent, you wouldn't be dating so...it really does sound like he's trying to be the 'hero', as another pp pointed out. And if he wanted to date a woman, sans child/ren, he wouldn't have gone on a date with you.

There is something about this that doesn't sit right. Go with your gut. It would be playing on my mind, too.

I'm going to disagree with all those who say you're overreacting because of two things:

1. Trust your gut, trust your gut, trust your gut

1. Any man who is trustworthy never says, or needs to say, that he is. He is betraying himself through that ubiquitous device called "projection"

Sounds creepy and manipulative and potentially controlling

like he's sitting there calculating what's going on inside your head and reading online A Guide To What To Do To Manipulate Women instead of just letting things unfold organically. Red flag up, grey rock, detach

(there was one guy I dated who displayed quite similar behaviour - would spend ages trying to be "reassuring" when in reality hardly knew me so was just weird and condescending?

• and a bit misplaced, I don't struggle getting dates, so why I'd need someone to "reassure" me us crazy?

Of course, as time went on, what he meant became clear: "I've said X which is NICE now where is my sex"

He had some good qualities but seemed deluded/a fantasist when it came to representing and interpreting his social/romantic life - he seemed to think he had all these social and sexual "options" and "invitations" to choose from when none of these actually were that solid?

I mean he was a shorter than average PhD researcher (from another country so needed social "leading" )who wasn't very conventionally masculine but seemed to interpret "welcome party for international students run by church group" meant all these women volunteers running the group secretly desired HIM and were desperate for his company? Or that I agreed to a few sparse dates with him meant I was desperate for a serious relationship with him and my whole emotional wellbeing depended on him. Because that's what women are like

I actually think types who get rejected lots THEMSELVES project this onto others? Like a defense mechanism.

They like to make out they're always the ones in control and "doing the picking and choosing" when in fact their dating experience is normally completely opposite.

I guarantee Mr I'll lower myself To Date a single mum has been rejected by every single one of the last five dates he's been on.

Yes, I've had the, "there are do many women who want to go out with me, bla bla bla"...I say, well, you don't need me then.

Haha yeah band

It's like " oh, so X is in your social group and she's smiled at you twice so you're telling other women she wants you and is one of your Options" ( and I need to be more "compliant" to your needs because I've got X as competition)

funnily enough, if you ring X up and ask if she's got time to go out for a 1-1 drink this weekend ( or even host you as her lover as she's allegedly so desperate for you romantically ) what do you think the answer will be?

It's just odd. Like he seems quite nice and genuine but also was massively complimenting me which I am always about suspicious of, and he didn't have to make such a big deal of the "single mum" thing, if I ever mention it it's always in a pretty confident way so I don't NEED the reassurance. I wish he hadn't said it.
Like some pps I hate the BS of online dating (and indeed general dating it seems.) WHY do blokes think grown women are so likely to fall for the most obvious tactics including but not limited to: constant messaging, talking about how much they want to meet you, how hot you are (til it's in the flesh you surely take it with a pinch of salt), even referring to future plans, based on nothing?!? And even after they've met you and should be able to sense you're not this naive pushover, they continue to butter you up, flatter, etc etc... it's so false. Or they're like the seemingly great guy I met while out and then had an awesome first date with (hardly ate our food as talking so much, went on for drinks for hours, lots of laughing, mutually very passionate snog)- then DISAPPEAR never to be seen again!?

I despair! And actually like pp has said i don't think I've been treated worse than when I didn't have a child- I just was clueless when I was younger and fell for it all

Tempted to sack off this guy and move on but the whole scene has totally unimpressed me.

that, as a single parent, you should be grateful for any man to give you attention

OP sounds like she thinks that since he's a shortarse he should be grateful she considered dating him.

like the seemingly great guy I met while out and then had an awesome first date with (hardly ate our food as talking so much, went on for drinks for hours, lots of laughing, mutually very passionate snog)- then DISAPPEAR never to be seen again!?

Isn't this exactly what you're about to do to this guy, minus the snog?

Sometimes on these threads you fear for the OP because she is a bit insecure after a previous relationship and a bit lonely and wants someone to look after her and therefore overlooks the obvious.

You sound really switched on, OP. You can see all the fakery for what it is without being cynical about it.

I think the dating scene can be draining, but like pp's have said you seem to be switched on OP! I think cutting out/ eliminating dates AS soon as your instincts say is the key really - it's when you let them linger for longer and "give them a chance" and override the spidery senses that you end up with drama and chaos and negative energy.

Spinassienne I'm not sure what from my OP gave you that impression about how my date with the guy my OP was about went?! It went well and he seemed promising but I never said it was an AMAZING date, I have had dates that seemed to go exceptionally well which came to nothing so that was more of a side comment. Also I have said a couple of times I will likely be giving this guy a 2nd chance!? So don't need the sarky comment really. I don't think I have done anything wrong. If he hadn't made what I would consider an odd and unwelcome reference to my status I would probably be feeling a lot more rosy about him considering he is seemingly keen.

Go with your gut. Basically, if you thought he was off the chain hot and you want to give him another chance - do that - if this whole thing has basically put you off, BE put off and don't bother with him.

he was cute, nice, articulate, we had a load to talk about. All great. Had several drinks

This bit. Sounds like a pretty successful date to me. Actually fwiw I see what you mean about his comment, though I certainly think it can be read both ways, but I don't think you've done yourself any favours listing his height as a reason not to be interested. I don't suppose he needs your poty on that account any more than you need his for being a single mum.

*pity

spin I don't think the OP was pitying him or commented on his height on the date, more just not drip feeding as the date seemed to be indicating that he was "above" her ( well not in stature obviously ) and making a pompous judgement about "choosing" not to just have sex with her when he DOES have something that puts women off him and isn't gods gift himself

It's breathtakingly arrogant to assume that she was going to even invite him over for sex ( at ehich point he would "choose" whether he accepted her children or not)

I myself don't have a height preference but it's common knowledge many women do.

I also think " successful date" means fuck all generally. Adults on a night out at a nice venue where they're laughing and drinking and presenting their best face and asking questions about someone and being asked about themselves are going to enjoy the night for sure ( especially as one gets older, it's harder and harder to get good nights out so a date is a treat!)

that has very little correlation to, on the cold light of day, the other person coming across as a good emotional prospect to add to ones social life.

One of those strange but interesting threads out of a slight event.

Hearing other women talking about the strange put-downs hidden (or not so hidden) in early dating talk ...