Red flag or no?

[Princessmollygolly]

Quick sense check please?
I have had one date with a guy on Happn (another OLD app for the uninitiated!) He messaged me, we had a couple of really good jnjtjal chats as we have a specific shared hobby/interest. He seemed very keen which I was slightly careful about as find the coming on strong a bit offputting when you haven't met them. We arranged to meet for a drink, he was pretty accommodating of my schedule (single mum so had to arrange it quite carefully with babysitting etc. I was upfront about that from our first chat btw, I've learnt it's the best way in OLD.)
So we met, he was cute, nice, articulate, we had a load to talk about. All great. Had several drinks. He was pretty upfront that he wanted to see me again. Saying he's never dated anyone with a child but he's happy to make a go of it. (He's 36 btw if that makes any difference?!) But then he started saying "There are a lot of guys online who will just want to sleep with you and then leave because you're a single mum, but I want to date you and get to know you". At the time I was a bit like like it seemed that he meant well but it was an odd comment. I did jokily say that to him right after. It's stayed with me, the whole "I'm not like other guys" thing (I'm not that naive!!) and the fact that he said that.. it just doesn't sit well with me. He's sent some lovely messages and seems very keen proposing date 2 but having thought about it I'm still not comfortable with his comment about basically guys wanting to use and then leave me as though I should be grateful he "doesn't" want to do that!?
Or could he just be clumsy...
Any views?

That sounds off putting. Almost like he tried to put you down from the get-go. It sounded inappropriate - just like you wouldn't say to him that he's pretty short and renting but you're not like other women and will give him a chance...

I think you're overthinking it

I would not give him a second look. The lips can't speak what the mind hasn't thought.

He has communicated what he 'doesn't' think of you very clearly. Run.

Pretty divided then between: clumsy but well-meaning, or probably a wanker.
He's definitely very attentive and trying to show keenness since our date but I hate the thought he might be trying to pull the wool over my eyes because I'm an "easy target". I'm not!! Being a mum has made me 10x more self respecting and no-BS than I used to be...

That would really annoying me. He's basically saying that many wouldn't find you an attractive option but he is.

You're pointing out his less attractive traits now too...

He's also about 5'7"

Wow

Nothing wrong with that comment. A lot of women don't like short arses. Sounds like the Op prefers taller men, was trying to overlook that this guy is an umpa lumper.....but now his comments are the final straw.

My DH is 6ft 3 and built like a Rugby Player....anything less would not appeal to me now. She's allowed to feel that way about her sexual partner.

Huskylover..laughed out loud at Oompa Loompa comment!!
Sorry I don't mean to sound shallow but yes I wouldn't point out what I might perceive as undesirable (and unchangeable) qualities in a person, but I hate hate hate that guys in dating scene feel so able to go ahead and comment on your having children as some kind of fundamental flaw regardless of all the other great stuff you might have going for you. I've had guys in initial chats on OLD say stuff like "I don't mind the fact you have a child, though a lot of guys would" it always annoys the hell out of me. So rude. Either you're ok with it or you're not.

I suppose it shouldn't put you off him OP, you can excuse him, nerves, being clumsy, etc.

But its interesting isn't it I've found on online dating? Men just can't help putting women down ... even if its unintentional.

I wouldn't give a chance.

I'm 39 and end up chatting on OLD with someone who is 34. The fist thing he said after introduction was that "he has a thing towards old/mature women" It made everything clear for me that time. I did agree for a date, slept on it and cancelled the next morning. No chance for nonsense in my case. Learned to trust myself.

Nice one inexperienced. If someone shows you who they are then listen

It could be negging

just googled negging. Yuck.

Move on OP.

There will be someone taller much nicer around the corner, that will be made for you.

"There are a lot of guys online who will just want to sleep with you and then leave because you're a single mum"

Sorry pressed post to soon! Was he saying that many men have a 'thing' about shagging single mums and then buggering off?

He certainly is presuming a lot...that, as a single parent, you should be grateful for any man to give you attention because of what?: you are used goods and come with a lot of baggage? This objectifies you (and your dc) and pre-assigns emotions to you that you are "desperate".

Imho, going out with him would prove him right. Swerve around this one, don't waste your time.

Hmm.. i get your discomfort. I had a man make comments like that. Im in my forties but it was like implied that being a singl mother 'lowered my stock value' in the dating game. I didnt articulate my discomfort because we got on v well otherwise. I thought hang on buddy, im still five years younger than you, i have a job a house and i didnt miss out on parenthood like you did. He was 50.
In the end it died a death. I think he was going for a woman with kids not out of a mature acceptance that people have lived, but out of his own low self esteem. He thought id be more grateful for his attention perhaps.

Oh yeh inexperiencedchick, i was on a date with a guy who told me he didnt usually find women over 45 attractive. I said well im going to go now. I wont be 46 for three weeks but ill get my coat. There had been a spark there but fgs!
I dont regret checking out after that comment.

This has rankled me a bit-so another thing would be how does he know what all these other men think? There must be a lot of kissing and telling going on-another degradation in store for you.

Of course there may be no actual association with other men's experiences. If so, then he is self-appointing himself as a representative spokesman for the masses of his gender. Quite the ego. No thanks.

However, we can generally understand what has been stated up thread: guys will say anything to get in your pants. This would line up nicely with all the nice-nice texts he is presenting to you. Lip service.

...and I agree 5'-7" would more than likely have Short Guy Syndrome (Lord Farquaad ).

yes, women are always fucking apologising for something ....

I'd really like to get feisty with some of these gits. Maybe its so common, the kissing-and-telling and degradation amongst themselves outlined by TheBandPlayedOn, they don't even realise their shitty comments and attitude.

Suddenly feeling v. annoyed (I was and am a single parent, I'm sure men had these attitudes to me btw).

I work with a nice guy aged around 30 who online dates and we were chatting about it. He said there are a lot of men who target single parents because they're seen as easy prey. So maybe your man was clumsily trying to make this distinction. I would give him a second chance but proceed with caution.

Easy prey. They wish.

We are fussier I think.
Although at my age men without kids acknowledge that it might not happen for them. Most of the men ive dated (once or twice) without kids acknowledge that it gets less likely for them too with every passing year, and that although it's been tough at times in the grander scheme, i have not missed out on parenthood. I suppose when you're in your 20s it's more of an issue. But if somebody clicks with you they won't expect you to be grateful for their attention. They'll feel lucky!

Cheeky git; I'd find that very insulting and I'd have put him right in his place; he sounds condescending at best; it would put me right off, he'd have to move heaven and earth to get me to go on a second date.

I agree, proceed but with caution. He might have just been clumsy. But do tell him your feelings on Single Monthers being seen as easy prey, let him know anynmore stupid comments like that and he is dust.

Red flag for me. It's bollocks anyway - not been used my men any more or less since having kids. Actually it's less! Plus it makes him sound a bit up himself