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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Liars and Stonewalling

52 replies

OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 11:34

In a nutshell have been chatting to a guy for a while now, we have been friends about 3 years but the last few months he has told me he has always had feelings for me and wants to pursue a relationship.
We live opposite ends of the country but he thinks we could overcome this and see each other when we can.
He had an online friendship with a married woman on social media about a year and a half ago and since she has found out about us she has been creating fake profiles to make me think they are still talking.
He says not but when I question him about this on the phone he goes silent ...or sometimes the phone loses connection.
I just get the feeling he is putting me on hold and maybe answering a call or messaging her.
He has blocked me about 4 times now and each time he says it is because it is painful to be around me and he can't deal with the accusations when he is not talking to this woman .
It's just at times on social media the posts seem to relate to things we have discussed recently ...how would she know this .....
He says it is just coincidence, but my instinct tells me differently.
I don't understand why this woman keeps creating these profiles ....to get at him through me...because she wants him ....just game playing .
Her says he is not involved in any of this.
I was reading up about stonewalling and wondering if is silent treatment to me is when I am getting close to finding out that they are still talking ....
I know I may sound paranoid and this is quite petty in the big scheme of things but the groups I admin on social media and have been a lifeline to me and her constant fake profiles and sarcastic quotes/songs are making me wonder if this guy is still talking to her and I am a smokescreen as she is married.

OP posts:
Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 20/03/2017 13:27

That quote is very thought provoking .....

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 20/03/2017 13:28

My quote didn't post before I don't think. Trying again

Liars and Stonewalling
Deadsouls · 20/03/2017 13:33

OH It did, oh well I've done it twice now 😬

Well the reason I asked whether he said she was crazy etc, is because for me it is a huge red flag when a guy starts talking about a crazy 'ex'. Some men seem to have pasts littered with crazy ex's. There can be a number of reasons they then tell you, the new love interest. Primary is that having a crazy-ex tucked away somewhere gives the impression that they are so irresistible that this woman just can't stop pursuing them! It makes them seem more desirable.
Second, it triangulates you so you are in competition with this other woman.
The point is you only have his side of the story to go on. You don't know anything about the truth of their past or ongoing communication or relationship. Why is he involved with a married woman anyway? That kind of says something about him.

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 13:35

I just couldn't be arsed with this

No man is worth the headfuck

ChopsticksandChilliCrab · 20/03/2017 13:40

I can't believe what I'm reading OP. He is messing you about, you can't trust him, he lives miles away and you've met him once. All this would be bad enough from a teenager but is unforgivable from someone old enough to know better. It is a no-brainer. Tell him it isn't working for you and then block him.

Get yourself on POF or Tinder or down the pub/golf club/farmers market and meet some local people who you can get to know easily. Once you meet their friends and family you will know they are pretty likely to be genuine.

PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 20/03/2017 15:12

No man is worth the headfuck

And there's the T-shirt. Grin

AnyFucker · 20/03/2017 15:28

I should patent it Smile

And get some wristbands knocked out

Qwerty111 · 20/03/2017 17:20

I don't think there's another woman at all - my guess is it's all him. The fake profiles, the mentioning things "she" could only know through talking to him, the way he cuts you off if you ask too many questions.
Run! Run for the hills! Don't look back! Sing the "I dodged a fuckwit and I like it" song as you go Grin

TheNaze73 · 20/03/2017 17:28

I really couldn't be arsed with this

Goforit2017 · 20/03/2017 17:36

What a weirdo.

Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 21/03/2017 13:48

Thank you for your replies.

That makes perfect sense why he would spout about crazy exes, I get the feeling he has an over inflated ego , trying to convince himself maybe.

Love the T shirt idea, think you would make a killing with those!

Yes a teenager would probably act in this manner , a 54 year old man.....hmmmm!
As you say dating sites, meeting local guys were you can at least judge body language etc , the way to go.

Ha, will be humming that song in my head now....
'I dodged a fuckwit and I like it'
Strangely I have thought of that scenario too....that it is him making up some of these profiles.
Especially as sometimes it is within half an hour of us talking about something and these posts appear!

Am thinking weirdo now too , and starting to wonder why the hell am I being arsed with this!
If he is as irresistible as he thinks he is he should have no trouble finding another woman !!

OP posts:
PreemptiveSalvageEngineer · 21/03/2017 14:55

Well done, Horizon! Love your new thinking. Smile

What is your intended method of shedding 14 st of crazy ugly deadweight? I'm voting for ghosting. The more you engage the more opportunities he'll have to mess with you.

You don't live together and barely see each other. There's nothing that needs discussing and you owe him nothing. Just block and ignore and enjoy your freedom.

Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 21/03/2017 18:09

Ghosting sounds good.
Or a bit of his own medicine and the silent treatment.
Make him wonder why his actions aren't working and how dare I not be falling for his charms!

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 21/03/2017 18:16

Well done horizon!

Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 22/03/2017 22:10

Thank you Deadsouls

OP posts:
665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast · 23/03/2017 07:01

If you do a bit of a headshift and try and picture other people in this relationship , like you were casting a movie! can you picture your role being played by a strong independent woman who cares for herself?
Or are you a sidekick, doormat, victim type at the moment.
If this role is anything other than the person you aspire to be, don't make it part of your future plans.
Don't give him the silent treatment. Give him the view of you walking away forever.

Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 23/03/2017 20:42

Very good advice 665TheNeighbourOfTheBeast

I have been in the role of sidekick , doormat etc and vowed I never would again!

Walking away ....and not looking back !

OP posts:
InTheMoodForLove · 23/03/2017 21:30

this is where your problems start
the groups I admin on social media and have been a lifeline to me

time to log off and go out !

if you are an Admin you should no better, harsh but only to be fair
you do not really know these people
social media have their use but it sounds like you have given far too much importance to the whole thing

Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 23/03/2017 21:46

Yes I understand what you are saying InTheMoodForLove

I am aware that in the past I have spent far too long relying on social media as a lifeline .
I came out of an abusive relationship some years back and have been bringing up my two children and it's only this last year really that I have been gaining back my confidence and self esteem .

Your point is well made and I have said similar things to myself before .
I guess in my own naïve way I like to think people online ...virtual friends...have the same morals as in real life.

OP posts:
pictish · 23/03/2017 21:51

This is such nonsense. OP get off facebook and live an actual life instead of a virtual one. That's my advice.

Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 23/03/2017 22:14

pictish That is what I was trying to say before....

I am coming to that realization myself now .
What I was attempting to explain , albeit badly, is that for me the virtual world was my escapism after what I had been through in the past .
But yes, you can't hide away from real life forever!

OP posts:
Gallavich · 23/03/2017 22:18

You're not having a relationship. You don't even know him! Meeting once in 3 years doesn't make a relationship. This is ridiculous drama to be having over a virtual stranger in your life. Online relationships are not real. Stop talking to him and wasting energy on him. He's a time waster and a
messer and he's stringing you and this other woman/women along because he likes online ego strokes, doesn't mean he has real feeling for you. That's impossible when you don't know each other in real life.

Original poster
OnTheHorizon66 · 23/03/2017 22:25

Gallavich yes, all very true .

I guess I am guilty of being swept away in the moment and trusting /believing his words , but as they say actions speak louder than words .
But of course with only having met him once and not really knowing him as you say there is no real actions.

OP posts:
Deadsouls · 23/03/2017 23:11

onthehorizon
You haven't done anything wrong to feel guilty or bad about. Fantasies can be a comfort when real life is difficult or you have heavy responsibilities such as bringing up children on your own. You're not stupid for having believed or fallen for this this man's BS. You're not the first and you won't be the last to fall for a man's charms and for all we know this guy is very practised at charming women. You know better now. Don't feel badly for not having seen it. It's really a lesson in disguise. I had a terrible experience with a man who swept me off my feet, I believed everything he said, I really believed the image he projected of himself. It turns out he wasn't who I thought he was. It taught me to be more discerning and circumspect about what some men say. I'd be more inclined to take a look at someone's actions than listen to their words.
I'm glad you saw through the BS enough to post on here for viewpoints.

Anniegetyourgun · 24/03/2017 07:33

Let go of that not wanting him to get away with it thing. What he wants is continuing engagement, which you are in fact feeding. Not letting him get away with it means giving the whole thing a sharp swerve.

I've been in the situation of hiding from real life online, and it was helpful for a while, but as you say, there comes a time when you have to dig yourself out and face reality again. It was a crutch; now it's time to walk on your own two feet again. I say this, typing away on MN instead of getting on with chores...