Why do men have this idea about women...?

[Barnum]

I signed on to a dating website and a man who lived near contacted me. He seemed to be open, honest and I liked the sound of him. I explained I wanted to take things slowly (ie wasn't just looking for sex ) and he agreed that was fine. Anyway, after chatting for almost a weeek, today I went to meet him - he seemed ok - we ended up at his house. He was so full on from the outset it was unbelievable. I reminded him about going slowly. I don't feel he's done anything wrong as such because I was a willing participant, I didn't feel threatened and consented all the way along. I think he would probably have stopped if I'd asked him to tbh. But I am cross with myself because it moved faster than I wanted to and we ended up in bed together. He seemed to think that was ok and once the deed was done announced he had to go walk his dog!! He didn't want conversation, offer me a drink, nothing. I am mad and embarrassed with myself for being so stupid as to think he might have wanted a 'normal' relationship rather than just sex. Needless to say I will not be using this way of meeting men again. Perhaps I am just being naive in believing that people on dating sites do want a normal relationship and aren't there just looking for sex? How do you find a decent partner?? Will I ever manage to find a nice, kind and loving man who wants a relationship?

I think that even when we've just met someone, we sometimes feel shouldn't be awkward, or risk seeming uncool. You didn't want to annoy him, but you didn't owe him, you had a complete right not to carry on with things, at any point.

I think you should practice thinking about what YOU want, and ways to politely remind people if they push you past what you want. At the end of the day, it didn't really matter what he thought of you, or whether he was happy with the date, because you didn't like him so much due to his behaviour, so you need to put what you want, and don't want, first next time.

Maybe make it an absolute rule that there won't be more than a quick kiss, however much you fancy him? If he's worth having , he won't mind at all, spending a few dates getting to know you.

To be quite honest, isn't this what dating is? Fun, companionship, sex? Out of which a relationship might grow? My and DP slept together on our first date, we're together two and a half years later. There are no hard and set rules, except perhaps dont put yourself in an intimate setting if that isnt what you want.

So you were aware he wanted sex and so what? Your viewpoint sounds a bit skewed.

If you're interested in a relationship then take your time on dates to learn more about people- their interests, attitudes etc to see if you're likely to get on. Get to know them, meet up to do some fun stuff together and sleep with them only if you really like them + find them attractive + feel that they are into you as much as you're into them.

The mind boggles.

Do you tend to be rail-roaded by other people in your life, OP? Please work on your assertiveness.

I cant quite follow your thought process tbh.

Verbally you are bemoaning the freely availabe casual hook up option. Ok, fine.
Then, you go and do the very thing you said you don't like.
It's confusing .

Agree the guy was not very chivalrous but i think it would be more helpful for you to re-analyse your own actions to avoid this happening again.

@Barnum time for many women to understand a simple biological dynamic that no amount of feminism can really alter. Men go into relationships for sex, if you give sex on first dates you are creating the very problem you are complaining about.

I agree I did a stupid thing going back to his house but as ohidoliketobebesidethecoast said where else was there to go.... I didn't want to be having sex in a car or whatever..<

I don't understand this, why did you feel you had to go anywhere. Why couldn't you end fhe date and go home? You were aware in advance he wanted sex and basically went with him So you could.

Plenty of people do want relationships, and many of them meet on line, and yes some of them really like each other and have sex immediately.

But this wasn't the case here, neither of you felt that spark, you're upset because he disengaged so quickly after sex, please, next time, just go home,,,💐

I can't see what you're asking here? Why on earth did you go back to a strangers place, on a first date? Redstep is right, men by & large, enter relationships for sex, not for the fluff.
Please work on your assertiveness OP

I highly doubt you'll hear from him again

Less of a problem than sleeping with someone on a first date is how you are coming across. You seem to want to please your date, no matter what, against your own feelings and boundaries. If YOU want to have mad crazy sex 10 minutes after meeting someone that absolutely fine but the key here is what YOU want. You owe a stranger from the internet nothing. My concern is you wasn't even sure you fancied him but slept with him and you have to seriously ask your self why?

I agree I did a stupid thing going back to his house but as ohidoliketobebesidethecoast said where else was there to go.... I didn't want to be having sex in a car or whatever.

That is so sad that you thought you couldn't go home but sex was a foregone conclusion just because he turned up for a date.

Chalk it down to experience, I hope at least you can look back and say you enjoyed the sex in the moment. It's not a mistake its a learning curve, you'll know more about you and what you want next time. Enjoy it, what ever it is YOU want.

OP, I think people are being a bit harsh. You need to grow a thick skin when online dating, you need to learn to say 'no' and walk away if you don't want to have sex with someone. If you do find someone attractive and you feel like going ahead then that's fine but don't get your hopes up about it being anything more than just sex.
I met my ex online, we had sex on the first date and went on to have a relationship, it can happen.

Thanks Lovemusic33 - I appreciate your kinder tone... I'm glad you had a good experience. I don't know why I bothered with my comments/ questions tbh as people on here seem to be so critical of the op. I wasn't suggesting that what I did was right/ a good idea/ or not naive & stupid. I know it was. I was just feeling sad that I had allowed myself to be ' railroaded' in this manner into something I hadn't planned on...and also sad that it seems to be so commonplace with OLD. I just wish there were more men around who wanted to go about things the old fashioned way - by talking and getting to know each other slowly etc. But then maybe I'm living in cloud cuckoo land. Water under the bridge now - experience gained, older and wiser now!

Why do you blame the man? Take responsibility for your own actions.

To be honest OP, if he was interested in you, he'd be doing the talking and getting to know you bit after the sex because if he liked you, wild horses wouldn't stop him pursuing it. The sex is not relevant really unless his thinking is from the dark ages. He just wasnt that into you. Not being unkind, just pragmatic.

where else was there to go

Most people have a first date in a pub, restaurant or other public place.

Going to the house of a virtual stranger isn't wise. I'm not sure how old you are. ..but I'll admit I did a couple of similar rather risky things in my late teens and early twenties like this.

Looking back, I could have been raped or killed with the situations I put myself in.

Next time, just stick to your guns or don't put yourself in a situation where sex is an option.

Don't waste your time regretting it. When I had a similar situation, I just put it down to experience and acknowledged the sex was great.

Life's too short.

Hey OP I did lots of dating, online and real life. Some guys I would wait to have sex, others it was the first night. Sometimes when I waited I still got dumped, sometimes it turned into a relationship. Same with the people I slept with on the first night. There are no guarantees either way, so don't be too hard on yourself.

What's important is that you're doing what you want to do and feel comfortable with - and that wasn't the case here. It's horrible, but just try to view it as a learning experience so you don't get railroaded into things you're not comfortable with again.

Nb I've been with my current lovely boyfriend for six months, we're happy and in love, have loads of plans - and we banged wildly on the first date, and have been doing ever since!

OP, you get a lot of shit here, which is really unfair.

I now how it is when someone goes against your set boundaries, chipping them away piece by piece, until you don't quite remember you set them in the first place.

I don't get those people on here acting like you had initiated the sex, then there's no hint to that at all.

Meet the next guy in public, and do not go anywhere private with him.
It is not safe.
Granted, being alone with a man is never safe, but this specific kind of asshole might lose interest after three dates with no opportunity to get you into bed.

If you want a quick shag that's perfectly fine and dandy, I'm not judging you, but if you put out on the first meeting no bloke is going to think you're girlfriend potential.

Utter bullshit. He never wanted a relationship, simple as that.

He "put out on the first meeting", too. Or, more precisely, he pushed her into it.

Men that are worth having aren't damn shitty sexist assholes who would judge a woman for the very same thing they do themselves. Easy as that.

Did you find him attractive? Was the sex good? I just wonder because there seems to be no talk of that ...

I think there's a really important thing to take from this - and I don't think it's about OLD and what men want or how they behave. I know you've said you shouldn't have gone along with it, etc - but I think you really need to take that on board and think about what it means about your behaviour. What I mean is - I think you (like many of us, and me the Number 1 at this!) do sort of what you think is expected and what will keep people happy. It would have been quite embarrassing to say no. Presumably he wasn't unattractive and so it was just easier to go along with, and not unpleasant, but not at all what you wanted really.

Whether you meet someone on OLD or however, the issue of setting out your boundaries and only doing what you really want to do is nothing to do with how or where you met the guy - it's to do with how you deal with yourself, and your own plan. (I'm saying all this because it's the advice I need to give myself as well!!)

If you'd said no, he actually would have been made to take it more slowly.

I can totally understand why you didn't say no, but I think that the whole thing was an interaction, with you also having influence over what happened.

and also sad that it seems to be so commonplace with OLD. I just wish there were more men around who wanted to go about things the old fashioned way - by talking and getting to know each other slowly etc.

Men have lied to women about wanting relationships (back then it was marriage) forever.

If you don't want to feel used, make them wait. Unlike some people believe, waiting will not turn men who just want sex into princes who want to marry you. It will just make them lose interest.
(There's perhaps a small risk that a sexist arsehole will decide you are the virtuous virgin of his dreams and pursue you despite his initial attempt to trick you into having sex with him and proving yourself worthless in his eyes ...but I think it is a rather small risk, and you will find out about the sexist attitude in other ways if you keep your ears and eyes open.)

I just wish there were more men around who wanted to go about things the old fashioned way - by talking and getting to know each other slowly etc

You can set your own pace. You don't need to be led by what he, or any man, wants. You know that, right?

There are plenty of men out there happy to take things slowly.

if you put out on the first meeting no bloke is going to think you're girlfriend potential

FFS. I, as you so quaintly put it, "put out" on the first meeting. I'm still with the same bloke 7 years later.

I think when someone else is determined to do something, it's hard to push back unless you are equally determined not to. I think this is a real grey area. He got what he wanted all along, and you went along with it quite possibly because you are socialised into the habit of deferring to determined, driven men.

I'm afraid you need to find your inner, rage fuelled feminist and not let people men around you drive the agenda.

OP I've learnt this lesson the hard way too. Put it down to experience and don't be too hard in yourself.

I signed on to a dating website and a man who lived near contacted me. He seemed to be open, honest and I liked the sound of him. I explained I wanted to take things slowly (ie wasn't just looking for sex ) and he agreed that was fine. Anyway, after chatting for almost a weeek, today I went to meet him - he seemed ok - we ended up at his house.

I think he behaved wrongly and took advantage of you, but you've got to be careful. I haven't got any experience of the whole internet dating thing, but I think they're are a lot of sexually predatory people out there. In the future, I wouldn't go back to anyone's house straight after you've just met them. I'd go on several dates first to get the lie of them. You can't trust anyone straight away these days. Sad but true.

he did not take advantage of the op, she went willingly to his house and had sex by choice. The issue is entirely with the op not feeling like they are able to say no. some posters on here are saying he took advantage and this is where the blurred lines are for rape accusations.