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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

I don't know how to deal with DH's jealousy.

43 replies

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:28

I've name changed as I'm pretty identifiable from my other threads and don't want people irl to know about this.

I'm really on my knees and need some help.

I have been with DH for almost 5 years, married for almost one. I have a DS who is not biologically DH's. He is 5, we got together when he was a small baby.

We have always had a wonderful relationship, DH is the love of my life and I've never had any doubts about that. Him and DS really love eachother. DS's father is on the scene and sees him regularly but isn't much of a parent figure in his life. DS refers to DH as his dad but calls him by his first name.

DH has turned round and said he's struggling with feeling jealous that DS isn't his. I haven't been a step parent but I can understand that it must be hard. Both DH and I have worked hard to create the family setting we do have and I thought we were doing really well.

When DH brought it to my attention I tried to reassure him about the important role he plays in DS's life without trying to undermine the fact that it is hard for him. I guess he took it the wrong way and now he seems angry that I don't understand and tried to change the subject.

He's now saying he has to 'think about how to deal with it' and 'start depending on himself more'. I asked him if he thinks he can't do it. He said he doesn't know.

I'm panicking and hurt. I want to support DH and figure this out but I'm also scared he's just going to leave us. Part of me is angry too.

I just don't know what to do.

OP posts:

chickenjalfrezi · 19/03/2017 17:30

Didn't want to read and run - are you planning your own DC?

Wishiwasmoiradingle2017 · 19/03/2017 17:32

My ex was with me since I was pregnant with ds. He wanted to bring ds up as his own. Biological df not on the scene from a fortnight old.
Exh never ever forgave me for ds not being his. It ruined our marriage.

Sorry if that's not was at you wanted to hear.

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:32

chicken yes we do want our own children. We were planning on trying.

OP posts:

chickenjalfrezi · 19/03/2017 17:32

I'm a 'stepmum' to a girl who's mother died when she was very young and it's incredibly hard, even more so I imagine when the other parent is still on the scene so cut him some slack I think. My DSD is a hugely important part of my life and even if down the line the relationship with her father breaks down, she's one of my children now and my child's sister. But it is hard sometimes not being her 'mum'

Pallisers · 19/03/2017 17:34

I'm probably fairly cynical and may well be wrong but it seems to me that your dh has engineered a situation in which you feel in the wrong (why? why is he angry with your response?) and he is justified in responding that he will "Start depending on himself more" which translates to me as "doing what I damn well please without reference to you or your child".

And the "i don't know" in response to you asking if he can continue being a husband and stepfather? Again, I suspect a set up for "I need more time to myself" or similar.

Sorry and would love to be wrong. Maybe he has suddenly run into a wall with step-parenting but something seems off to me.

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:34

chicken I'm trying to stay reasonable but it's like he's angry with me and I just don't know how I'm meant to deal with it. How do I support him through this?

OP posts:

chickenjalfrezi · 19/03/2017 17:34

The most important thing is him having his own relationship with your DS and it not being by association i.e. My wife's son. Give him time and be supportive in fostering that.

chickenjalfrezi · 19/03/2017 17:37

But I agree with PP, it sounds like it might be another issue and the stepfather role is the easiest thing to pick holes in.

Can you go to counselling? DP and I have done to help us strengthen our 'blended family' set up. Sometimes you just need external help - there's plenty of places to go to help with parenting but step-parenting is emotionally far more complex than having your own children ever will be.

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:37

I really thought we were in a good place. They have such a wonderful relationship and really do love eachother. I've made sure I let their relationship develop without me interfering, I make sure DH is involved in decision making when it comes to DS. They have their own little things that they do just the two of them, as well as family outings and movie nights.

OP posts:

SandyY2K · 19/03/2017 17:38

This is not a situation you can change, because your DSs father, is not your DHs.

Perhaps once you and he have children it will be better, but I think your DH has to fine his own way to deal with it.

What does he want or expect from you? Have you asked him how he'd like you to help? What exactly is it he wants?

chickenjalfrezi · 19/03/2017 17:39

Sounds like you are doing all great things OP.

Has anything changed with him recently? Or with the role your son's father plays?

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:39

Thankyou chicken maybe we should try counselling. I do appreciate everything he's done for our family I know it hasn't always been easy for him.

OP posts:

GurneyGob · 19/03/2017 17:39

I think I would sit him down and tell him calmly some of what you have said here - how you love him, how DS looks to him as a father figure, what a good family setting he has helped create etc and acknowledge how hard it must be for him. Ask him if he would like to explore his feelings with a counsellor and emphasize how you will support him if he wants to do that.

TheNaze73 · 19/03/2017 17:39

Get his point however, he knew what he was getting involved with. Sadly, this isn't your fish to fry

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:40

Nothing has changed. DS's dad still distant. We're looking at moving quite a way away and that can be stressful at times but we're looking forward to it. If anything their relationship is the best it's ever been.

OP posts:

highinthesky · 19/03/2017 17:41

What does DH actually want you to do?

You can't rewrite history, and you thought that what you have is working for everyone. So put the onus on him to suggest a solution to what is a problem that the rest of us seem, to be missing.

Except that he is an attention-seeking child himself!

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:42

If I ask him what he wants me to do, what he needs from me I get 'nothing'. I really feel he thinks I'm the bad guy in this but I really am trying my best.

OP posts:

chickenjalfrezi · 19/03/2017 17:43

Yes and it sounds like you will have shown him that appreciation. You sound lovely and very thoughtful.

It's hard because if he is keen to have DC, I wouldn't wait in a way because from personal experience the arrival of a shared child has really bonded our family in a way words never can. I'm sure people will read that as 'having a baby to fix problems' but I meant maybe your DP feels like he wants to experience being a father? Which is not a bad thing as when he does he'll realise that whether they're yours biologically or not, the bond that you can develop with stepchildren is incredibly special. There's nothing I wouldn't do for DSD that I would do for my own DC.

highinthesky · 19/03/2017 17:45

If I ask him what he wants me to do, what he needs from me I get 'nothing'. I really feel he thinks I'm the bad guy in this but I really am trying my best.

Classic passive aggressive. The problem is his and it's better that you have uncovered it before you have DC together.

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 17:45

chicken thankyou for being so helpful. I have started worrying that now if we have a baby it will be like we're just trying to fix things with a new baby (which I've heard does not work!) but I do feel that having someone that links all three of us together for life would be positive for all of us and especially DH.

OP posts:

AtrociousCircumstance · 19/03/2017 17:51

I could not forgive this man for turning his back emotionally on my child - a child I thought he loved and cherished.

I agree with a PP that maybe there is something else going on and he wants an excuse to pull away.

He's being an arsehole. You sound lovely.

gamerchick · 19/03/2017 18:01

It's very risky to have another baby in the hope it will bond you all together. It could well go the other way and your firstborn will be effectively ignored in favour of the biological child. That scenario will tear you into 2 pieces.
He needs to get over himself before you start bringing more babies into the world. Adoption, parental responsibility or you can show him the door.

You have done nothing wrong, don't make it your problem.

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 18:02

Atrocious he is being a bit of an arsehole. But I don't know if it's because something else is going on or because he's really struggling to deal with it. My instinct is that he's struggling and frustrated and I've got caught in the brunt of it. He is a good man but he struggles with his emotions sometimes (to be fair so do I)

OP posts:

Original poster

TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica · 19/03/2017 18:04

gamer I don't believe adoption is possible when DS's bio father is still in the picture? Not sure what you mean by parental responsibility but would like to know if that is an option.

OP posts:

chickenjalfrezi · 19/03/2017 18:14

I have a good man who struggles with emotions too. Being there and being his special person means you do catch the brunt sometimes. So you're probably right. It would be interesting to find out whether there are other things too but don't push him, pick your moment and start high level.

Whatever you do, remember this isn't you - you haven't done anything wrong here

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