I don't know how to deal with DH's jealousy.

[TheDogsEatingCaptainAmerica]

I've name changed as I'm pretty identifiable from my other threads and don't want people irl to know about this.

I'm really on my knees and need some help.

I have been with DH for almost 5 years, married for almost one. I have a DS who is not biologically DH's. He is 5, we got together when he was a small baby.

We have always had a wonderful relationship, DH is the love of my life and I've never had any doubts about that. Him and DS really love eachother. DS's father is on the scene and sees him regularly but isn't much of a parent figure in his life. DS refers to DH as his dad but calls him by his first name.

DH has turned round and said he's struggling with feeling jealous that DS isn't his. I haven't been a step parent but I can understand that it must be hard. Both DH and I have worked hard to create the family setting we do have and I thought we were doing really well.

When DH brought it to my attention I tried to reassure him about the important role he plays in DS's life without trying to undermine the fact that it is hard for him. I guess he took it the wrong way and now he seems angry that I don't understand and tried to change the subject.

He's now saying he has to 'think about how to deal with it' and 'start depending on himself more'. I asked him if he thinks he can't do it. He said he doesn't know.

I'm panicking and hurt. I want to support DH and figure this out but I'm also scared he's just going to leave us. Part of me is angry too.

I just don't know what to do.

Adoption would be possible if bio dad agreed. Perhaps worth considering as you are moving away.
Currently your husband can't authorise treatment in hospital for your son etc.
You should discuss this with a family law specialist and bear in mind that it would have ramifications if you ever split up.

If he agreed it would.

There is a section on how to apply for parental responsibility on the GOV. U.K. Site I think.

If your Ex is still somewhat in the picture and your DS knows him to he his dad, then I doubt he'd agree to adoption.

Does your H know that DS refers to him as his dad? Maybe it would help for him to know that.

I think he can't tell you what he needs from you, because there really is nothing you can do to change the fact that he's not his son.

Was he expecting your Ex to totally disappear? Or did he not want DS told who his biological father was?

I'm struggling to understand what the real issue is here. He knew the score from the beginning. Why is he acting like this now?

I do know that step parents in his position, would not even get access to the child if you split up, but as everything seems fine apart from this, I wouldn't have thought that was the issue.

Is parental responsibility different from adoption? Sorry if I sound ignorant but as I understand it, for DH to adopt DS then his bio dad would give up his parental responsibility? Have I got that wrong? Bio dad is no real parent but I very much doubt he'd agree to that.

Sandy he has said in the past that selfishly it would be easier for him if bio dad wasn't around BUT he wouldn't want that for DS. The fact that bio dad is so crap really bothers him as he doesn't want DS to grow up feeling rejected.

He does know that DS refers to him as dad. When I hear things like that or when DS says something lovely about him I make sure to tell him but I think he finds it hard to believe it.

Maybe you are over thinking this.

How often does this topic get raised? Who by?

He is having trouble with his feelings. He has told you there is nothing you can do. I'd see that as a positive: it is a statement that the problem is in his head not in his reality and therefore it is something he has to work out for himself. Carry on normally and let him sort his own head out.

runrabbit it has been raised a couple times but it was a few years ago so I thought we were in the clear. Hopefully you're right, I do tend to panic and feel the need to 'fix' everything. We tend to share all our feelings to eachother and sometimes I wonder if it does more harm than good!!

Think I would

• remind him I loved him and thought we had an amazing life
• then say that however, his feelings had the power to destroy the relationship
• remind him of the fact he has always known the situation - so has no right to now blame your for it
• insist that he goes to counselling to uncover exactly what this is about for him and how it can be fixed.

Basically, your dh has two reasonable choices. He can get over his feelings and have a good relationship with you. Or he can (sad as it would be) acknowledge that he can't hack a relationship with someone with kids, and leave. anything in between is out of order.

www.gov.uk/parental-rights-responsibilities/apply-for-parental-responsibility

crazyhead you're right. He's working tonight so we both have the opportunity to chill out and revisit it tomorrow.

gamer that's really helpful thankyou, I see that more than 2 parents can have parental responsibility. When (hopefully!) we've talked through this it's something I will definitely consider raising with DH.

Haven't read the whole thread and have very limited time (hospital) but thought I could maybe help.

I have been your husband. I entered a relationship with my DW when my DSS was 1, a month before his 2nd birthday.

I'm not going to lie - at times I found it very, very difficult. I was young too - early 20s. Feelings and emotions were swirling in my head. What helped is spending time with DSS and (then) GF and going out - even the park or the supermarket m just a change of scenery.

We had DSS bio father trying to cause problems - he was abusive, violent, destructive, a real bad egg. So much so my partner and stepson moved a significant distance to be with me.

It took 3-6 months for the jealous feelings to begin to settle and 12-18 months to go. That said, for a few years there was occasionally a little twinge.

Someone mentioned a line to me and it helped me mentally so much: "Any man can be a father; it takes a special one to be a long lasting dad."

You, or your husband, please feel free to PM me with any questions, to rant, to express emotion. Anytime. Best wishes

Oh my OH was regularly the brunt of my confused emotions. I feel so bad about it still, she was the obvious person. If you can work through it, you'll have a very strong relationship.

I'm confused, is this really a recent development or has this been under the radar for sometime? What exactly is he jealous of? He's never going to be your son's bio father and that fact surely can't be news to him. I am very curious about the rationale behind the "start depending on himself more" statement, it sounds like he's giving himself permission to withdraw, whilst his anger at you 'not understanding', sets you up as the fall guy for his withdrawal.

Don't make the mistake of taking responsibility for his issues because you can't fix things, if he's really admitting that jealousy is the problem (as opposed to a convenient and deliberate excuse to obscure another issue), than he needs to understand where those feelings are coming from.

I definitely suggest counselling and don't let him fob you off with excuses, he's either going to be the instigator of finding a solution or he's going to become part of the problem.

In the meantime, hang fire with TTC as there is far to much uncertainty.

SeriousSteve thanks so much it's helpful to know that it isn't a problem unique to us.

Isetan it is something he expressed a few year ago but tbh the conversation didn't go well at all that time and I got very emotional. This time it really did seem to come out of the blue as we've been doing so well and have really grown as a family.

He's said he finds it hard that his role seems to be picking up the slack that bio dad has left behind, and that if bio dad decided to be a better parent then his role disappears. I don't believe this to be the case but I can understand why he'd feel like that and that must be hard.

I really don't think he's looking for an excuse to kick off.

And I was in your position many years ago. DH took on my son, initially as GFs son and later, when my DS wanted him to as his son. My son refers to his bio dad by his name or as 'my father' and to my DH as dad.
The difference is that DS has refused all contact with his DF for many many years.
My son understood - from the age your DS is now - that his father contributed a physical part of him but that his dad contributes everything else and he really appreciates all of that.
We are over 20 years down the road and their's is a strong loving relationship which brings joy to both of them.

Happy it's nice to hear something positive! Thankyou x

Thankyou all so much for your responses. We've had a long talk today and we're in a much better place. It was really helpful to hear more step parents perspectives. This is a real learning curve for both of us but I hope we make it through, I know I'm determined to:

That's lovely OP - wishing you all the best