Dark family secret. Do I tell her?

[mojitosbythesea]

What do you do when you’ve been sworn to secrecy about something pretty horrific in the family, but it’s messing up your head? I feel like I might explode if I don’t talk to the only person who will understand exactly how I feel. My sister.

For lots of reasons, this has all recently resurfaced and I’m finding it a real struggle. How can I sit there and listen to all these ‘lovely’ stories about someone I now hate? Someone I wish I had no biological ties to. I am ashamed to have had them in my family. It kills me.

My therapist thinks I should tell her, as keeping it to myself is hindering my recovery (I suffer with depression and anxiety).

The thing is though, morally, is it ever ok to break a promise?… What will she gain from knowing what I know? What will I gain?

*his name

Oh- I am sorry I just re-read and saw you have said you do not want to hear 'funny' stories.Good on you.

And, lots of

It is so hard. xx

can I ask why your sister is the only one you can talk to about this?

I think that you can use what is already commonly known to say that you don't want him discussed in the "he's a one" tone. You don't need to mention yours mums experience but you can say. "why are you talking like that, we all show how he treated Grandma. I find very difficult to hear this".
I think you should say this out load at least once even if denial is your mothers coping mechanism, because then they will understand why from then on, you get up and walk out of the room whenever his name is mentioned fondly. I hope they will realise soon that its best not to mention his name in your presence. Your mothers secret will not be compromised however.
Although I mentioned discussing it with your mother, from what you've subsequently said I don't think this is worthwhile as I think your mums coping mechanism is to bury it ever happened. But you can use your Grandma as the reason for your refusal to listen to him being described in glowing terms.

know not show

Nanna50
Who did you unburden yourself to - presumably a professional therapist? What type of person would be appropriate for this type of situation?
mojito
In a not dissimilar situation myself - so sorry you're going through this, and I completely understand your confusion as to what is best to do. Whatever, someone will be hurt.

I think the opinions of the victim matter a lot. With respect, OP, you are not the victim. You cannot decide who knows the details without the victims permission.

You need to speak to your mum about this and see if your sister can be brought in.

Otherwise you need to continue with your therapist to deal with these feelings. You are reassessing your memories and its best not to do that alone.

That's a good point scottish.

scottish, my therapy is now over. I could have done with a lot more. Of course I understand what you're saying, but this is multi layered. I'm not sure I'm being selfish by wondering if he did this to my sister and I. As I said, I remember him scaring me a lot and making me sit on his knee when I didn't want to and this was when the abuse happened with my mum. Apologies if this is triggering. I feel like something did happen, but I'm not sure if that's because I'm trying so hard to remember if something did.

This is honestly the first time I've had this 'memory'. I don't even know if it's real. Literally just happened. Not sure what to do.

I still think you need to speak to your mum. Tell her that now have these worries and it would be a good idea to bring your sister in. What if you trigger something in your sister? What will you do if she says nothing ever happened?

You need some further professional help. You feel like something did happen but have no recollection or firm grasp? Has something else happened recently that has caused you to think like this? You didnt think like this when your mum told you?

scottish, I did wonder, yes. I have buried it for a long time, but recent events have brought it back and have forced me to think about it.

This is really complicated as evidenced by the very varied but well reasoned responses you are getting.

I have some professional experience in this area and I think that people only tell 'secrets' of this nature because a small part of them, deep down, wants the truth to become known and telling someone else increases the likelihood of that happening whilst relieving them of the responsibility for any negative fall out. That makes a lot of sense in your situation - your mum has let it slip while drunk so if it ever becomes general knowledge she can say it wasn't her fault.

You say it is a family secret - well, it's your family too and you have as much right to decide who is privy to learn the secrets as any other family member.

So bearing those two points in mind, I think you would be morally justice to tell your sister but why do you want to do that? I think you need to be very clear about your intentions before you make that decision. You know how much the knowledge has hurt and troubled you and it may well have a similar effect on your sister. Is that something you are ready for? Would she be able to cope with it? Would she blame you for being the messenger who shattered her illusions?

I think there are two separate issues here. Your own difficulties in dealing with this information and the doubts and worries it has raised in you. Whether or not to tell your sister is a separate problem. I know you already had some counselling but if it is at all possible I think you need to get some more - this is such a complex situation and it sounds as if you could do with more support in working through it.

I'm going to leave you with two scenarios.

1. My late husband. Had been abused by his older brother, who had died fairly young. My H had not let anyone in the family know as he felt it would be spoiling people's memories for no reason (in retrospect I feel there was a lot of fear in this decision and he was afraid that people would disbelieve him. He was very much the scapegoat.)

1. My mum. My grandad had been abusive to literally everyone in the family before I was born, but I had no experience of him being anything less than kind.

My mum, in the immediate aftermath of my grandad's death in his 60s, burdened me with a lot of stuff about how awful he was and he'd beaten my grandma etc. #

It really was not the thing that a grieving 15 year old should have had to deal with.

I'd tell your sister if you're close to her. I can't think of any reason why not to.

what is it?

Sorry your family was in this position.

An ex-boyfriend of mine was sexually abused by his aunt and his cousin (her son). He confided me in about it when he was older ( we were in our late teenage years). He was very messed up about it, in particular he was worried he would become an abuser himself in later life. I suggested he seek both professional help and family support. And he did.

As well as getting counseling he spoke to his mum. I'll never forget him telling me "Turns out our childhoods have a lot in common". She'd been abused by the aunt (her sister) and their dad, which now that I'm older I probably really see as both sisters being abused by their dad.

It did help him a lot, he and his mum did do some counselling together, it also helped her because she also sought counselling (she hadn't before, she'd never spoken about it to anyone before). They became a lot closer, and well, a lot happier.

He is now married and has a baby. He wasn't on that path in life before he got help and support for what happened to him. I really think he'd have been a drug addict/alcoholic/dead by 30 if he hadn't sought help. His mum credits therapy with saving her marriage, she was really starting to struggle with her buried emotions.

So if you suspect that something may have happened to your sister and that she hasn't sought help, I think there is a duty of care issue here. I do think you would need to talk to your mum first about it though. You will need to approach it with some tact. It may be that you need to approach it from the point of view of your emergent memories, rathe rthan your mum's story, if you don't have your mum's permission to share her story. I do think that the wishes of a victim for secrecy are important here, but I think confiding in and swearing to secrecy someone who is a child of a victim and part of the family situation in which abuse(s) occurred (and where there may have been more, as yet I revealed victims) means those kind of boundaries have already been significantly blurred.

Recently, I told my step-family that the reason I didn't want to see my long-estranged father even though he is currently dying from cancer, was because he abused my mum. And that I witnessed that as a small child.

He had managed to conceal it from them, and to them had always blamed the fact he didn't see me at all after the age of 7 on me/my mum/life being so unfair. When in fact he just stopped showing up on Saturdays. (I tried an adult reconciliation with him years ago. No remorse, said it was my mum's fault he hit her etc, said some dreadful things and told outright lies, so that was a non-starter).

And so, when recently asked to go see him, I said no and I said why. And as soon as I did, all the pieces fell into place. They just didn't know. He told a lot of lies in all directions at that point. Looking back, I think he was terrified that I'd blurt out what he'd done to my mum to his new family and ruin the cosy new set up. It was a very confusing time that suddenly made sense.

It felt very good to say no, say why and realise that in some little way the truth had been set free. I realized that the step-family's hostility over the years was probably as a result of some pack of lies, that me and my mum had been scapegoated so he he could enjoy a new life. It felt good that he wasn't going to get away with it totally scot-free, blaming everyone else for all his troubles anymore. It was probably the single most mentally and emotionally freeing thing I've ever done.