i am tired of his anger, is it me or him the problem, please help

[at37]

Hello. I have been in two relationships in my life both lasted 10 years each. This is my third one and counts one year so far. This person is nothing like i knew before and thats why is so confusing for me to understand. He can be sweet and caring one minute and get a fit of anger the next . When this happens is like he is changing to someone i dont know, he constantly insults and pulls down and threatens and he needs time to calm down. While in that state anything i say is wrong and gets him more angry. I decided not to talk but he finds this is wrong too because "i block him out" so i have no idea how to act. Tonight he had some issues at work and i tried to support him, listen to him and offer advice to the best i can with my experience. It seemed that he wasnt listening so i said that if is any way i can help he can let me know. His reply was that i try my best and even if i dont offer anything good he can see that i try. Later he carried on ignoring me talking so i stopped and was waiting to watch a movie with him. He asked what was wrong and i said nothing , but he can be rude sometimes.That was enought to set him off. He went into a fit of anger constantly insulting me . Among other things he said that he has no idea how other people come to me for help, that he can not rely on me, that he wishes i was a normal gf that listens, that i have delusions that i am a good person but i am not because ei clearly dont care about him etc etc. I kept quiet but i said that have no idea where all comes from as the only thing that happened is that i said he can be rude sometimes. That set him off even more, he carried on the insults and started threatening that "i do everything worse" everytime i was trying to talk. Then he left to "cool off" and return saying sorry and that i am a good person. Then he carried on that he doesnt need anyone and he only tells me his problems because he makes me the favor to include me in whats going on in his life. I said, well if you dont feel like telling me then dont. That set him off again and started that i dont care and he can not do that anymore and that i ruined his night and he doesnt know if he can go to work as i made him feel drained etc etc you get the picture. He insisted i apologize for my behaviour and think what i did. I really dont think that i did anything wrong but said that to him it just made him angrier. I need opinions , i need to understand if is me that i do something wrong or him. This sort of behavor happens often and it got me to a point to not care anymore and just to want it to stop when is happening . Thank you

OP how are things? Are you OK?

Op thanks for the message. I'm going to post about my situation later..looks like we've separated and I'm at a loss as to what to do for many reasons. I hope you're ok..let us all know what's going on. Big hugs x

You said earlier that you wil try "not to make him angry".Hes the one with the temper but you are blaming yourself.
Dump him he isn't a nice person

If you don't live together, I would suggest that you just tell him it's over, change the locks and block all contact. I suspect his threats against people you love are no more than threats, but if you have any suspicion that he means it tell the police.

Thank you all for the messages and the support, it means a lot because i have no one close to me to talk. I am preparing myself to let go, i have no doubts that this is what i want, i have no love left for him but still i need to prepare myself mentally for this. Tonight he humiliated me again and i felt physically sick, i know it shouldn't upset me but the emotional abuse he is putting me through it affects me. There is no one to talk so i will just write it here , it makes me feel better instead of bottling everything. I had a bad day, many things in the house broke down etc. When he asked about it, i told him about hurting my leg and can barely walk and then started telling him about my cooker braking down. Half way through my sentence he interrupted commenting that "why do i buy stuff from the 1960" and that his cooker is better. I have no idea where the 1960 came from but my day was bad and i didnt need the ridiculous comments. So i suggest it to leave it and the answer was " i forgive you . I was left speechless... i asked him what i did to forgive me for and he just repeated that he forgives me and he knows i had a bad day. Turns out it was major crime against his peace and character assassination when i suggested to leave it and move on because i cant deal with his comments...Then he went as always to comment on how he cant take it anymore, how i constantly nag, how he does his best for us but i dont etc. I am fuming because after a year and after all the support i gave him this shit is what i get back. It does get through your mind having to deal with this kind of people but i wont let him affect me anymore. He will insist that evetrything is my fault, that i can not stop and same time wont let me talk . Today it got me to the point to feel sick when he asked if he is who i turn to when i have problems. I said not always , you dont provide a safe environment for me to be able to talk because you constantly get angry over nothing and then he started again on me on how he doesnt know what to do with the relationship, how i ruin it all etc etc. I DONT CARE ABOUT THE RELATIONSHIP but he only says those things to hurt me. Then he went into a " you dont know what you say, i will decide how we will do things and you have to comply " thing.The sooner a get rid the better but still affects me to be treated like this . Thank you for listening and be aware and stay away from people like this , i promise its only get worse

He cant take it anymore!!!

He's given you your out.

I would leave him a note telling him you dont want to put him through any more.

Of course it hurts you; it's emotionally draining; he just wants to blame you because he probably deep down feel guilty and would rather you took the blame for his bad choices; I'd honestly stop engaging with him; it will do you no good whatsoever; stop caring what he thinks of you.

Op I'm totally with you and am not trying to hijack your thread but wondered if anything I put in my situation rings a bell.
Just one of many..jealous of other men and tells me after he's found something annoying in a subtle (or so he thinks kind of way)
That I reply in a sarcastic or flippant way..this only happens when he's tired.
He thinks things through in his head and I'm sure that if I don't respond how he wants it totally throws him off track..he then gets wound up and angry that I haven't replied/acted as he'd expected..
Reading back I can see things aren't going to work..but I'm heartbroken..aside from this 95% of him is perfect. He really is lovely but this side affects us massively

He sounds revolting.

When he goes to work put everything of his in bags and leave them on the doorstep.

Lock doors.

Text him and tell him to get his stuff and only get his stuff, you will not be talking to him as he isn't worth another second of your time and it's finished.

If he comes round and kicks off call the police.

Block his number and ignore any attempts to contact you.

He sounds like a total bastard, you really need to get out of this 'relationship'.

The hurt you feel is because you can't believe someone who you care about and who you think dates about you treats you so badly.

Your brain struggles to make sense.However when you realise that he enjoys the power over you and enjoys bullying it makes more sense.

I'm glad you are getting out..its not you causing this.

..... and it's not when the two of you have disagreed over something you both feel differently about. Like a brown sofa or a cream one. There is literally no 'trigger' required. Just the familiarity is the trigger. Negative ''intimacy''. You're the one he crushes and dominates. He is continually gas lighting you and abusing you so that he can feel powerful.

I totally know how you feel, my H is like this too , except without the personal insults. He verbalises every argument thats going on in his head, every business issue, every slight, even down to the shouting me to come and look at the dishwasher he was loading with salt because there was a tiny chicken bone/bit of plastic-- It is partly I know because he works on his own at home and needs someone to vent to (and hence why I go out part time to a separate office even though we work together) Its very tiresome, originally I liked the fact he seemed "engaged" , found it quite amusing even, after having very laid back ex H , but it gets wearing!!

at37, when you leave or kick him out he is not going to let go easily.

Please stick around because thousands of us have been through this. He will promise to change, he'll show fake remorse, he'll use reason on you, he'll remind you that you're not perfect either, he'll make you feel like you've no right to end it with him, he'll make you feel like you owe it to him to give him another chance. Your head will be spinning.

I recommend that when you tell him it's over don't give him any examples such as "the time you roared at me for hours". That will instantly be flipped around in to your perceived failures, what you did to MAKE him roar at you for hours and how really he is a virtual saint to have put up with you for as long as he has, and how dare you criticise him when blah blah blah blah blah

Keep it as simple as you can.

Keep it as much as possible to statements that can't be argued with.

Pick about three or four and just repeat them over and over again and don't get drawn in to further discussion.

"I don't want this anymore"

"This is over"

"I don't want you anymore"

"I don't like you"

"I look forward to a future without you"

"I want to end this relationship"

"I am unhappy with you"

"I want to be single"

Start with the least confrontational. Like I want to be single. I want to be single. He will try every trick in the book to get you breaking it off with him switched around to be a conversation about your flaws.

Whatever ridiculous flaw he tells you you're guilty of just say ''I accept your perception of me". If he tells you you're evil and selfish and a cold-hearted bitch and you're cruel and you've ruined his life, don't defend yourself. Say like a lifeless sap ''I accept your perception of me". Don't even stress the your

Mantra

I want to be single.
This is over.
I look forward to my future without you.

I accept your perception of me.

Good luck breaking it off. You're going to need support breaking it off. You've decided that that is the right thing to do but a brain mincing fucker like this guy is not going to shrug and say ''no hard feelings at37".

I read a good article that helped me deal with my own x emotion-mincer. Drop the Rope. I 'll try and find it for you.

Being angry sometimes about something that happens, expressing anger, talking about whatever it is, than moving on is normal.

This does not sound normal at all though. He has big problems and this is abuse.

One year has gone, get out while you can.

The longer you stay the harder it is to leave.