i am tired of his anger, is it me or him the problem, please help

[at37]

Hello. I have been in two relationships in my life both lasted 10 years each. This is my third one and counts one year so far. This person is nothing like i knew before and thats why is so confusing for me to understand. He can be sweet and caring one minute and get a fit of anger the next . When this happens is like he is changing to someone i dont know, he constantly insults and pulls down and threatens and he needs time to calm down. While in that state anything i say is wrong and gets him more angry. I decided not to talk but he finds this is wrong too because "i block him out" so i have no idea how to act. Tonight he had some issues at work and i tried to support him, listen to him and offer advice to the best i can with my experience. It seemed that he wasnt listening so i said that if is any way i can help he can let me know. His reply was that i try my best and even if i dont offer anything good he can see that i try. Later he carried on ignoring me talking so i stopped and was waiting to watch a movie with him. He asked what was wrong and i said nothing , but he can be rude sometimes.That was enought to set him off. He went into a fit of anger constantly insulting me . Among other things he said that he has no idea how other people come to me for help, that he can not rely on me, that he wishes i was a normal gf that listens, that i have delusions that i am a good person but i am not because ei clearly dont care about him etc etc. I kept quiet but i said that have no idea where all comes from as the only thing that happened is that i said he can be rude sometimes. That set him off even more, he carried on the insults and started threatening that "i do everything worse" everytime i was trying to talk. Then he left to "cool off" and return saying sorry and that i am a good person. Then he carried on that he doesnt need anyone and he only tells me his problems because he makes me the favor to include me in whats going on in his life. I said, well if you dont feel like telling me then dont. That set him off again and started that i dont care and he can not do that anymore and that i ruined his night and he doesnt know if he can go to work as i made him feel drained etc etc you get the picture. He insisted i apologize for my behaviour and think what i did. I really dont think that i did anything wrong but said that to him it just made him angrier. I need opinions , i need to understand if is me that i do something wrong or him. This sort of behavor happens often and it got me to a point to not care anymore and just to want it to stop when is happening . Thank you

@RunRabbitRunRabbit
well, i have to be careful here. Considering the way he reacts and his anger i need to find a safe way to do it. He is a vengeful and very angry person and in the past he has mentioned in a joking way ( well now i dont think it was a joke at all ) that if i try to leave he will hurt the people i love and not me. It took me a year to properly realise what he is and now i remember all the incidents and i can clearly see what he is , but back then i couldn't

Women's Aid could probably give you great advice on how to stay safe when you end it and after you end it.

I'm glad things have come into focus for you OP.

Do you live together? What your set-up?

@WelshMoth

We dont live together but he spends a lot of time in my house. He is making plans about us getting married and having children and all that but i can not do this under the circumstances. He has some great qualities but his unexpected fits of anger and the way he goes on about things and the threats and the guild he tries to create on me are too much, i wont put any children through this. I tried in the past to talk with him, he admits he has issues , he apologizes but it only happens again. I was hoping that it would get better but it doesnt and the last episode that i described here it was the final straw. The funny thing is, after that episode he called me from work, telling me he loves me and "despite what i did" he wants only me and wants to marry me etc It can get confusing and thats why i gave him chance after chance after chance. When i told him that what he did would be enough reason for many people to leave, he replied he is sorry for what happened but "no other woman would leave him for something like that". I replied that constantly insulting and humiliate and devalue the woman you are with, is something most women (or anyone ) would accept for long. Even if he loves me which i dont think he does considering this behavior, he has big issues that he needs to resolve

i meant guilt*

I'd break up with him by phone or text, change the locks and tell as many people as possible.

When breaking up, I suggest neither justifying yourself nor trying to advise him on how to fix himself. "This relationship isn't right for me. I don't want to be with you any more."

Don't be drawn into any discussions. Just repeat as necessary and hang up / walk away / ignore the messages if you have to.

Those two statements above are not about him, only about yourself. Nothing else is relevant. Of course he will try to make it all about what he wants despite that not being what you want.

@RunRabbitRunRabbit

I should make it in person but somewhere public, i will try to avoid as possible to make him angry. Having saying that he gets very angry over little things so in that case i can not avoid it but at least will try to have it as less as possible. The reason is that in the past he said that if i ever hurt him he will revenge me by hurting the people i love and back then i though it was said in a joking way but now i am not so sure. RunRabbitRunRabbit, Thank you a lot for all the advice, it helps

Op I could have written your post. I have the exact same problem (posted this morning about my partners behaviour yesterday as he works nights and took his tiredness out on me) I'm like you and have had 2 previous long term relationships so I can't suddenly be a horrible person?
Does he explain why he is like is is after he's calmed down? Sorry if I've missed that bit

Nope, you need to get away from him and also work out why you think you deserve to receive his anger and be called nasty horrible names; it's not normal OP, even after 20 years together, but 1 year and you are being abused like this; you need to get away from him end of; he will not change; this is who he is, a nasty angry man that puts down women.

Also, if you have a big male relative or friend of some kind; I'm sure a word from them about him taking revenge of your loved ones would soon shut that argument up; in fact he'd probably run away as it's women he feels most comfortable taking apart.

@missmove38
Hello. I am sorry to hear that you have similar problem, its exhausting and ends up wearing you down and make you doubt your own sanity and reason. In my case his anger fits getting more often and more intense with the time. It can start over the most trivial things, many times i even wonder what happened to cause that. At start i thought that maybe he is tired or stressed and taking out on me but is more than this. I can excuse it if it happens once or twice but this is keep happening, its just how the person is and not due to circumstances. When he calms down he usually wants to "stop talking about it because it takes back to that moment and aggravates him again" and if i try to talk about it i am "nagging and dont know when to stop". Now i think that this is an attempt on his part to make it all go. If i insist he will start blaming me for his behavior, i "pressed his buttons" i "hurt "him etc. In the incident i described for example , eh said that "he had enough and i made him explode". I asked him if anything else happened other than telling him that he can be rude sometimes and he said no. Well , that is not a reason for this reaction of course but he kept insisting. When i say that his bahavior is his responsibility and no one elses fault his reactions differ. Other times he gets angry again and it all starts from beginning and other times he will apologize. He apologizes a lot and without me asking him to do so , thats why at the beginning i thought we could overcome this .BUT it never lasts. He will be great for a week or so , only to explode again in a worse way next time . I dont think is easy for a person like this to change. I dont even think that he loves me, he seem to have some sort of dependence or is just his big ego but it can not be love when he keeps treating me this way . I dont know if that helped, i hope you can figure what is right for you in your relationship

Treating you like an emotional punch bag is an excellent coping mechanism for him

The triggers for these episodes of anger are when he feels shit (about himself) caused by things not going his way, trouble at work, stress, somebody disagreeing with him. It deflates his ego and he needs to make you feel crap to inflate his own ego in comparison.

Make no mistake, you are not pushing his buttons, he just has such a low self-esteem that he can't tolerate anybody disagreeing with him or not admiring him 24/7, so having the power to make you feel shit makes him feel powerful and worthwhile

You are not the trigger. His combination of low self-esteem and enormous ego is the problem here.

Angry men always take it out on the people closest to them.

ps, I bet you all the tea in China that he doesn't go around demanding apologies from anybody else. But this demanding an apology thing, such a low self-esteem/enormous ego symptom. How dare you not admire him?! How dare you not show him the respect he thinks he deserves? How dare you have YOUR OWN INTERPRETATION of what just 'went down'. He is incandescent with rage that you dare to have your own perception of him. HE will dictate to you how you perceive him!!!!

As a matter of interest, has he ever demanded an apology from a male colleague or from a male friend or from an acquaintance? Or does he hold you to a higher bar? YOU alone have to show him all of this respect and perceive him how he demands to be perceived??

Trouble with us women is we hold on to the bitter end trying to find ways to make it work when sometimes you just have to give up; you can spend all your time trying to work him out, what triggers it, why did he say that, when did he start his grumpiness, you could contemplate forever.

I think you now have to start thinking, what do I tolerate, what do I accept and what do I not accept, and tell him, tough if he doesn't like it, who'd want stuck with him anyway, the miserable git.

He looses the rag with you OP if you dare to disagree or point out he's acting like an arsehole; he just rams up the abuse towards you.

Please do not accept this; no matter how much of a shit day he's had; sicko above puts it far better than me.

@Adora10
Thank you for the reply. Yes he is a nasty angry man but is also very manipulative and clever. You wonder why i started doubting whose fault it is.Its more like trying to get confirmation from other people that what i believe is right because he makes you doubt your common sense and logic. When he first started showing this behavior i was numb, i had no idea what was happening as i never experienced anything like it and i was wondering why he acts like this. When he is not into those fits he can be very sweet and caring , only making things more confusing. As time passes and those incidents happen more often it ends up wearing you down.. Every time he wont let me talk as "i aggravate him more " and "keep talking making things worse" (his words). He will blame me for his anger and try to make me feel guilty for having an opinion or feel certain way .He will blame me for "ruining our night" and "destroying the mood" etc When this happens over and over and over again and when this person is calm and sweet all the other time it does make you wonder if you do something wrong

oh my x would do that. Lose his temper because I breathed in and out wrong and then blame me for ruining everything
I do not miss that.

Honestly, would you allow any other human being to treat you and talk to you the way he does, I highly doubt it, never too late to say:

I'VE HAD ENOUGH, I AM NOT ACCEPTING THIS ANYMORE.

Another thought process that helped me to break away (mentally) was the realisation that I'm not on trial here. I don't need to prove that I'm perfect in order to leave. Whenever I tried to break away it ended up descending in to conversation about my faults! I'd defend myself and it was a red herring. I should have said something that couldn't be argued with ''This isn't for me'' and then when he stood there and accused me of being cold, selfish, ruthless, of having ruined his life, I should have just shrugged and said ''I accept your perception of me''.

DO NOT ARGUE WITH THE BULLSHIT.

You could go round in circles forever.

Just know in your own mind that you deserve better and you're not taking this crap.

Get out. That sickening feeling that you can't do anything right? It never goes away. You will feel like you're walking on air once you're free of him.

Remember, you don't need him to agree with you that he's treating you badly. If you wait for that, it will never come. I used to make that mistake all the time. I'd try to tell him that he had upset me and I'd just get drawn into an argument about whether HE thought I should be upset. Comments like 'no other girl would dump me for that, you're overreacting' are a classic, designed to make you second guess yourself. Ignore them!

The fact that you're so terrified of what he might do if you leave him says it all. Have you got friends or relatives who can be there with you?

@sick0fmykids
Thank you for the reply and yes you are absolutely right. He does have a huge ego and everything that goes wrong in his life is always other peoples fault. And yes he has a HUGE idea about himself and his abilities , everything is exactly as you describe it. He often demands apologies from me in a manner that makes me feel like a child that did something wrong. I will admit couple of times i apologized just to stop it all because is draining me but most of the times i refuse because of his manner and because i dont think i did anything wrong. Then he will go into a childish tantrum, trying to make me feel guilty or do things like leaving or put the phone down only to return few minutes later angry why i "didnt chase him or call him". And yes he doesnt demand apologies from anyone else, when people at work for example or his family make him angry he just stays calm and keeps it inside him , its only at me that he has this behavior.

He sounds just like my x.

My x was nice enough when everything went his way! and he was 'blessed' in many ways, tall, handsome, good degree, good job. But he had a low self-esteem and at the end of the day he was exhausted from dealing with imbeciles and he took it out on me.

To begin with I thought why is this tall, handsome, educated, successful guy interested in me? I guess because he treated me like shit and due to my own self-esteem issues I stuck around. We both had low self-esteems but mine manifested itself in me taking his shit. His manifested itself in him berating me and insulting me and blaming me.

When you're in the middle of it, it seems like it would be such a scary change to leave and call time. But honestly, considering I thought about it so carefully beforehand, I never regretted it for a second. Weird that. He had made me doubt myself so much

Have you got rid yet?

Sick, well done for getting out? Did your ex move on to another victim? You seem to have gained excellent insight as it seems to be so similar to my stbxh.

What happens to men to make them behave like this? My ex had a dreadful childhood but some people with similar backgrounds find a way through it and others turn into angry abusers.

At37, you are seeing the situation clearly now, and recognise you are not in a normal relationship.Get out but do it safely and call the police if he threatens you or anyone in your family.

He has a new gf now and Ive no idea how miserable she is but I'm free.
he attacked me when i left so be careful.

He had never actually hit me but he stood over me shouting, he pushed and shoved me and poked me hard, but he would have said and believed "i never hit you!". The day I left though, with a buggy and one bag, he made no effort to rein in his temper.

So Be Careful