Cliche arguing after having Children.

[leaningover]

DS is coming up to 2. DH and I were married after 2 years together and had DS 9 months after the wedding.
The fact this all happened so quickly may be the root of things.

We'd never argued ever before having DS. But now it's niggly arguments about everything. Pent up resentment about who gets the most sleep, who does the housework, who's helping out with the baby. I gave up my job to be a sahp and I am regretting it, DH has carried on and got further on in his career. I'm resentful and jealous because his life has barely changed whereas mine is entirely upside down. There have been several incidences of pure nastiness between us, mainly him to me as I try hard to 'keep the peace'.

the main question is is there any coming back from the typical post children arguments or is this only going to get worse. He won't particularly accept there's a problem, even though I know there is.

Yes you can come back from it. You both need to accept your new reality though.

Your life has changed permanently and its best not to resist or avoid it.

It's wise to sit down and discuss who is going to be responsible for doing what in regards to the house and the baby.

It's not right that you are doing everything.

What is sensible is that you do the majority during the day and then once he is home he contributes in some way.

Weekends - both parents should have a lie in each.

Both parents should be able to have equal leisure time.

You need to make it clear that his approach to things need to change and that you are a team, helping each other, giving each other a rest when it's needed.

The tiredness you both feel will ease off but you need to tell each other that. It's temporary. It gets so much easier.

Oh and do look into returning to work being a SAHM is no picnic

Quite is spot on!

Thanks. I really want to go back to work but having a hard time finding anything at the moment. He had the baby one night last week, as DS wakes frequently still. This is the ONLY night he's ever done the night wakings and we cosleep anyway so he didn't even need to get out of bed, just tap his bum. And he slept in for 1.5 hours as soon as DS got up for the day - and he still says I'm lazy when jn the day I haven't done much because of the tiredness.

I never have a lie in. Often DH has a lie in on one of the days of a weekend.

I think you said it, in your opening post. The rapid speed at how things progressed, is probably the root cause, having built the house, without steady embedded foundations.
All's not lost though, you just need some structural repairs, which may cause some short term annoyance however, if you have the corrective work done now & agree to how that is shaped, the house should remain standing for many years.

Absolutely no idea, where the house analogy came from however, I know what I mean!

Good luck

It takes both of you - and Theron lies the problem. IME most men simply don't value what an SAHP does. They see themselves as the ones shouldering all the responsibility and thus turn into nasty fuckwits.

He says you're lazy?

Nope - this is way more than structural repairs - this is a deep rooted attitude he has. Good luck changing it.

I can't stand that life is so different while his is largely unchanged. He thinks I should put up because I chose to have DS

Did he not also choose to have DS?? Or Did he not want children?

It doesn't matter if you chose to or not. Our DS was unplanned and DP would never make me feel bad about it. Your OH should be supporting you, as you are now a family.

What???
So his sperm was nothing to do with creating your DS then?
Or you stole his sperm and did it all yourself?
Hardly. He made a baby WITH you.
So you do things together.
Please keep looking for work.
Enrol with agencies and take temp work if you can.
It's a good way to get back into things.
Could you maybe work evenings for a while just to get out and about?
Local pub? Restaurant?
It all helps to fill up your CV. Showing you are prepared to do anything.
He sounds nasty.
Sorry but he does.
I think couples counselling might help but if he's in any way abusive don't go down that road.
Do you have full access to all money?

No.

You BOTH chose to have children.

I had a similar convo once with my abusive ex. He told me exactly the same thing and that if wasn't his fault is my earning potential was affected by us having children.

Just over a year later he assaulted me,was arrested, and charged and found guilty in court.

He then proceeded to play the victim of a money grabbing harlet who had trapped him and through her own jealousy of him having all the assets was trying to take his child away from him.

Tread carefully, OP.

Oh, and the conversation was on the back of him accusing me of trying to steal 'his' house from him when I asked for us to buy a new house together and him refusing to change his job so I could contribute 'equally' (on a financial basis) to the mortgage.

I had an income due to child maintenance and DLA/Carers - he sold that income as having never been spent on anything but my other child from a previous marraiage in court too which was a complete and utter lie.

OP you have to decide if you want this to continue. Competition in a relationship is so unhealthy. It should be a partnership, if one person feels what they do is never enough, its toxic. Being resentful is also toxic.

You need to sit DP down and explain how you are feeling and what you feel you can both do to improve things, or this will end in disaster (trust me I've been there). if he won't accept it or acknowledge it it will only be a matter of time before one of you is filing for divorce or going elsewhere to have your needs met.

I had the opposite where ex was a SAHD (but an emotional abusive fuckwit) and the constant competition is so draining and frustrating. He felt I didn't do enough (I did, when I stepped out of work i was a very present mother) and although he didn't want to do anything about changing the situation he was resentful of the fact I was working and he wasn't. It built and built over time, the more I tried the worse things got, he wasn't invested in us as a relationship at all. I left 5 weeks ago, he is now playing the devastated one, and I am picking up the pieces. if you want to work at it, you will both find a way, if you don't the end is inevitable.

Think about a way you can return to work, if that is what you want, even if it is just part time.

Good luck

So if he has a lie in on one day of the weekend he gets up on the other day. Which begs the question why are you not having your lie in on that day? Why are you both getting up together?

I didn't have a lie in for over 6 months after our child was born whils ex stayed in bed until 12 4 days out of 8 on average. That was conveniently forgotten once I stood up for myself.

I'm sorry OP, but my (unfortunately wellseasoned) alarm bells are ringing off the hook.

I don't think it's the speed of things happening, mine was similar ( married after 2 years together, first baby after just over a year) and the kids (i had another one 18 mths later) didn't make too much of a difference to our relationship. Yes we are both knackered and lives changed hugely, but we kept putting each other first. If only one of you is doing that, then it gets pretty bad very quickly. He isn't putting you first and its uneven. You need an honest conversation and you need some respite.

It's really common to feel like this after having a baby - many couples go through a sticky patch and it's certainly possible to get back on track. He needs to pull his weight though - it sounds like he is being lazy and sexist. Would you consider counselling or a marriage course to give you the opportunity to talk things through in a calm way?

Good luck with finding a job, I think that will help.

Thanks for all the responses- I've taken it all on board and just thinking of a response for now but thought I'd answer about getting up on the other day of the weekend,

So this is how it goes, DS wakes up at 7.30 am. Me and ds will chat a bit and have a cuddle and DH will lie asleep. I might ask him to do DS' nappy change and he might say yes but 5, 10, 15 minutes and even more can go by and he won't have done it. So I am aware DS is getting hungry and sitting in a full nappy and DH still doesn't get up. So I change DS, take him downstairs for breakfast and midway through breakfast DH will come down sometimes and sometimes we won't see him for a couple of hours because he stays in bed.

If he's had a lie in for a couple of hours on the Saturday, I still can't lay in on the Sunday because DH won't get up and do ds' nappy and breakfast straight away like I would so poor DS is waiting and waiting and getting hungry and sitting in a disgusting nappy. So I end up first on the Sunday as well, and DH doesn't come down straight away. Sorry that that ended up an essay. I've gone back and inserted paragraphs so it's easier to read

Yes he did also want DS but because I've chosen to be sahp then I should just get on with it

Thanks for the well wishes on the job hunt I've been to a few interviews but not been successful so far.

I've tried to talk to him properly and he barely acknowledges a problem and when he did he said yes but 'it's your [my] fault and you need to sort out your moods/see a doctor'.

It might be worth devising a scenario where he has to look after DC solo as he is unlikely to truly appreciate the complexity and difficulty of looking after a small child (or children) until he's had to do it unaided. Perhaps after that point he will be less inclined to throw around allegations of laziness.

He had DS alone a few evenings ago which ended in DS screaming and crying (he almost never cries. He's amazing) and DH yelling I AM FINISHED WITH HIM! So Im not sure

Wow - so because you want him to step up he declares you are 'crazy'
I don't really know what else to suggest.
He sounds like a feckless dickhead.
Would he agree to couples counselling?

Do you ever get time just the two of you?

Sounds like he is in denial he is a parent, and perhaps missing having the two of you alone. Have you talked to him about it? I am not excusing anything, as his behaviour stinks, but if you want things to improve you both need to feel supported and loved.

Having a child for a mother is different to a father. As a new mum your whole focus shifts, and some men find that difficult to deal with. Could anyone babysit for you so you could go out or have a night away?